If any of you have been remarried with children or been a part of an effort to blend a yours and mine situation, I would like some insight and wisdom on relationship dynamics. How to counteract the competition factor. How to see the new family as a complete family and not two autonomous entities living under the same roof. How to date and nurture the husband/wife relationship when children are a part of the equation.
I'm stuggling with the becoming one aspect of all of this. How do you do it with children? Should we remain autonomous? Can a blended family follow the same biblical model as a natural made one - where the marriage relationship is first and priority or should the children be first?
Any thoughts from those who have been there?
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Wise as Serpents...Harmless as Doves
I am learning that although I want to be honest and deal with all people rightly, that not everyone appreciates or rewards that. In fact, there are many who lie in wait to exploit it.
Alas, I don't like this lesson. However, it may have saved me from a fatal financial error this week. We shall see.
I do have to thank God above for two angels he has watching over me: my mom and my fiance. Sometimes we entertain angels AWARE. When we are too emotional to hear the Spirit's voice, He uses others who can cut through the clamor - if we are smart enough to stop and listen. I'm not a genius...but I'm at least THAT smart. :)
So, with their help, I enjoyed a moment where I was wise as a serpent. I was assertive, yet respectful and harmless as a dove. As granny always said..."you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!"
mmmmmmm....honey...... ;)
Alas, I don't like this lesson. However, it may have saved me from a fatal financial error this week. We shall see.
I do have to thank God above for two angels he has watching over me: my mom and my fiance. Sometimes we entertain angels AWARE. When we are too emotional to hear the Spirit's voice, He uses others who can cut through the clamor - if we are smart enough to stop and listen. I'm not a genius...but I'm at least THAT smart. :)
So, with their help, I enjoyed a moment where I was wise as a serpent. I was assertive, yet respectful and harmless as a dove. As granny always said..."you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!"
mmmmmmm....honey...... ;)
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Fruit Inspection and Grace
There have been two people in my life of late who has caused me to really reflect on some theological questions. Interested in feedback or thoughts.
The grace of Christ is free, but is it cheap? In other words, can/does Christ offer forgiveness to those who willfully sin with an attitude of "I can't help it so I'm not going to try" or an attitude of "I will enjoy my sin until it runs it's course then I'll ask forgiveness and all will be well"?
Does someone who sins and harms others while doing it get the privilege of their slate being wiped clean if they do repent? Are they still not responsible for the consequences of their actions? Are they still not accountable to those they wronged?
In Matthew, Christ instructs us that making things right with our brothers and sisters is a precursor to offering praise. So, if someone claims to be a Christian now, or be attending church, but have made NO efforts to seek forgiveness for sins committed towards another, and continues to live in such a way to harm another with no efforts to change or make that right, then are they truly a Christian? The Bible does tell us to be careful how we judge, for we cannot know the heart of others...but it also clearly outlines the type of fruit you should see in the life and attitudes of one who has come under the Lordship of Christ.
It seems to me that many "church people" find it all too easy to use Jesus as an anesthesiologist instead of a surgeon. They don't want Him to get in there and dig around and remove parts of them or cause them to die to themselves. They just want to be comfortably numb. They use him as a way to avoid responsibility and accountability. And instead of seeing their actions and thoughts in the light of God's holiness and realizing their need to change, they'd rather view them under the rose colored glasses of grace and use it as an excuse NOT to change (God loves me just like I am) .
Where is the balance? God is Love. Yes. God is merciful. yes. But God is Holy, holy, holy. I don't want to go back to legalism, but the permissiveness that seems to be pervasive in the church makes me sick to my stomach. Yes, grace is free to get. But doesn't it cost us something to keep? Doesn't Paul outline that to us in his instructions:BE YE TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind...? Doesn't' that seem to indicate that we have some responsibility in the relationship? Not that we can save ourselves or ever be good enough. Not to go so far as salvation by works. But I cannot bring myself to accepting the theology of "greasy grace", either.
Paradox always gets me. On one hand, grace is not grace if it is stipulated. On the other, Christ is a rock of offense and clearly expects more of us. The closest thing in this life to explain this is the parent/child relationship. I love my kids. I can be angry with them. Dissapointed in them. Downright mad at them. I can expect more, discipline, correct and punish. But I still love them. And I will still extend forgiveness and grace to them. But I will hold them accountable. I'm dealing with this in Ethan right now. He seems to always be "accidently" hurting his brother. He will do something, say he's sorry and ask forgiveness, then get angry at Noah if Noah is not willing to just forgive and forget about it. But where is Ethan's heart? Is he truly sorry? My guess is no - for he is right back doing the very same thing within hours...sometimes minutes and right back to expecting no consequences if 1) he claims it was an accident and 2) he apologizes and asks for forgiveness.
I believe I am in covenant with Christ. I know I have done things to bring Him shame or disappointment. I know I have hurt others (though I will say I do not usually do it intentionally - the exception to that is my divorce. I know there were times I was intentionally trying to hurt my ex). I am grateful for the free grace of Christ extended to me. But I am also keenly aware of my responsibility to that grace. I honor the gift, not taking it for granted. I am careful not to abuse it, not becuase I think God will zap me if I do, but becuase I am in relationship and I want to represent Him well. I don't want to stand before Him one day only to hear Him say "now who are you? I don't know you..."
I am not God and therefore am not the source of unlimited, unconditional grace and love. But I can say this: seems to me a very dangerous thing to think all sin or bad decisions in your life is negated by a flippant "please forgive me, God" or regular attendance at a church. As our Heavenly Father, seems to me that God would not be showing us love, nor justice (of which He is the perfect balance between) by letting us live like the devil and claim His grace. Seems to me Jesus should not be used as a personal endorsement to justify our selfish lives and choices. If I let my children do whatever they wanted or treat people however they wanted and never held them accountable or let them experience the consequences, then how much do I love them, really?
Christ tells us to come to Him as we are and let HIM clean us up. Not come as you are...you are just fine. We wouldn't need to come if we were not in need of some sort of fixing. You don't need a savior if there is nothing to save you from.
I welcome thoughts, comments, considerations....
The grace of Christ is free, but is it cheap? In other words, can/does Christ offer forgiveness to those who willfully sin with an attitude of "I can't help it so I'm not going to try" or an attitude of "I will enjoy my sin until it runs it's course then I'll ask forgiveness and all will be well"?
Does someone who sins and harms others while doing it get the privilege of their slate being wiped clean if they do repent? Are they still not responsible for the consequences of their actions? Are they still not accountable to those they wronged?
In Matthew, Christ instructs us that making things right with our brothers and sisters is a precursor to offering praise. So, if someone claims to be a Christian now, or be attending church, but have made NO efforts to seek forgiveness for sins committed towards another, and continues to live in such a way to harm another with no efforts to change or make that right, then are they truly a Christian? The Bible does tell us to be careful how we judge, for we cannot know the heart of others...but it also clearly outlines the type of fruit you should see in the life and attitudes of one who has come under the Lordship of Christ.
It seems to me that many "church people" find it all too easy to use Jesus as an anesthesiologist instead of a surgeon. They don't want Him to get in there and dig around and remove parts of them or cause them to die to themselves. They just want to be comfortably numb. They use him as a way to avoid responsibility and accountability. And instead of seeing their actions and thoughts in the light of God's holiness and realizing their need to change, they'd rather view them under the rose colored glasses of grace and use it as an excuse NOT to change (God loves me just like I am) .
Where is the balance? God is Love. Yes. God is merciful. yes. But God is Holy, holy, holy. I don't want to go back to legalism, but the permissiveness that seems to be pervasive in the church makes me sick to my stomach. Yes, grace is free to get. But doesn't it cost us something to keep? Doesn't Paul outline that to us in his instructions:BE YE TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind...? Doesn't' that seem to indicate that we have some responsibility in the relationship? Not that we can save ourselves or ever be good enough. Not to go so far as salvation by works. But I cannot bring myself to accepting the theology of "greasy grace", either.
Paradox always gets me. On one hand, grace is not grace if it is stipulated. On the other, Christ is a rock of offense and clearly expects more of us. The closest thing in this life to explain this is the parent/child relationship. I love my kids. I can be angry with them. Dissapointed in them. Downright mad at them. I can expect more, discipline, correct and punish. But I still love them. And I will still extend forgiveness and grace to them. But I will hold them accountable. I'm dealing with this in Ethan right now. He seems to always be "accidently" hurting his brother. He will do something, say he's sorry and ask forgiveness, then get angry at Noah if Noah is not willing to just forgive and forget about it. But where is Ethan's heart? Is he truly sorry? My guess is no - for he is right back doing the very same thing within hours...sometimes minutes and right back to expecting no consequences if 1) he claims it was an accident and 2) he apologizes and asks for forgiveness.
I believe I am in covenant with Christ. I know I have done things to bring Him shame or disappointment. I know I have hurt others (though I will say I do not usually do it intentionally - the exception to that is my divorce. I know there were times I was intentionally trying to hurt my ex). I am grateful for the free grace of Christ extended to me. But I am also keenly aware of my responsibility to that grace. I honor the gift, not taking it for granted. I am careful not to abuse it, not becuase I think God will zap me if I do, but becuase I am in relationship and I want to represent Him well. I don't want to stand before Him one day only to hear Him say "now who are you? I don't know you..."
I am not God and therefore am not the source of unlimited, unconditional grace and love. But I can say this: seems to me a very dangerous thing to think all sin or bad decisions in your life is negated by a flippant "please forgive me, God" or regular attendance at a church. As our Heavenly Father, seems to me that God would not be showing us love, nor justice (of which He is the perfect balance between) by letting us live like the devil and claim His grace. Seems to me Jesus should not be used as a personal endorsement to justify our selfish lives and choices. If I let my children do whatever they wanted or treat people however they wanted and never held them accountable or let them experience the consequences, then how much do I love them, really?
Christ tells us to come to Him as we are and let HIM clean us up. Not come as you are...you are just fine. We wouldn't need to come if we were not in need of some sort of fixing. You don't need a savior if there is nothing to save you from.
I welcome thoughts, comments, considerations....
Thursday, February 11, 2010
On Valentine's Day
I'm really looking forward to making some new Valentine's memories.
In the past, my ex seemed to always choose some sort of special occasion to drop a betrayal bomb on me. My birthday, our anniversary, ....but Valentine's Day seemed to be his choice more than once. It's left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I know as well as you do that V Day was created by the greeting card cartel, really. Personally, I prefer $4 Kroger boquets several times a year for no reason to a $50 rose boquet on Valentine's...but it is nice to know your special someone takes a moment to reflect on what you mean to him and how grateful he is to have you in his life. And, vice versa.
I am so thankful God sent me Steve. I spent some time reading some of our early e-mails to one another. It made me smile to recall all those first meeting butterflies and the anticipation of a new romance. And reminded me to not let that go too easily. I want to feel that and stir that in him 20 years from now. I am grateful for the things we have in common and for our differences. So I am taking this Valentine's day to reflect upon that - to make sure I'm not taking it for granted. To celebrate it. And to replace the old memories surrounding this holiday with new ones more appropriate to the day. After all, God said in His Word that out of Faith, Hope, and Love, the greatest of the three was Love. I know He wasn't saying Eros, but Christ embodied love perfectly. I believe He embodied them all - Eros, Phileo, and Agape.
And that is what I will strive for this Valentine's day. To embody love to Steve, his boys, my boys, my friends and family. To reflect my Savior to the world.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! For believers: may you be His hands and feet of love to the lost. And may you know His love for you. His unfathomable love.
In the past, my ex seemed to always choose some sort of special occasion to drop a betrayal bomb on me. My birthday, our anniversary, ....but Valentine's Day seemed to be his choice more than once. It's left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I know as well as you do that V Day was created by the greeting card cartel, really. Personally, I prefer $4 Kroger boquets several times a year for no reason to a $50 rose boquet on Valentine's...but it is nice to know your special someone takes a moment to reflect on what you mean to him and how grateful he is to have you in his life. And, vice versa.
I am so thankful God sent me Steve. I spent some time reading some of our early e-mails to one another. It made me smile to recall all those first meeting butterflies and the anticipation of a new romance. And reminded me to not let that go too easily. I want to feel that and stir that in him 20 years from now. I am grateful for the things we have in common and for our differences. So I am taking this Valentine's day to reflect upon that - to make sure I'm not taking it for granted. To celebrate it. And to replace the old memories surrounding this holiday with new ones more appropriate to the day. After all, God said in His Word that out of Faith, Hope, and Love, the greatest of the three was Love. I know He wasn't saying Eros, but Christ embodied love perfectly. I believe He embodied them all - Eros, Phileo, and Agape.
And that is what I will strive for this Valentine's day. To embody love to Steve, his boys, my boys, my friends and family. To reflect my Savior to the world.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! For believers: may you be His hands and feet of love to the lost. And may you know His love for you. His unfathomable love.
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