Thursday, May 3, 2012
The Seed of Doubt
My impending unemployment has stirred some very confusing emotions in me. I would expect fear or anxiety. Even depression. But I have a peace that I will find employment. No, instead, it has drummed up some left over places in my heart that I suspect was damaged by my divorce. Self doubt. Not self doubt in my abilities, really. Or my worth. But ever since the divorce one thing has plagued me...did I ever really hear and know the voice of God? Ever since my ex husbands revelation of his "true nature" I have wondered if I was just totally blind to this by my feelings for him or did he change? Did God really give me His blessing to join with Rob or did He try to warn me? Did I really hear from God about homeschooling? Especially since I didn't even really get to even start before the boys father abandoned us. Or was I always to remain in the public school classroom? Is that where He wants me now or should I be home more? Questions, questions, questions...and no clear direction. Yet. I have to trust that the same Father who has held me through many storms over the past 5 years, will not let me go now. No, I do not doubt HIM...I doubt my ability to hear and know His thoughts for me. His plan. I have a fear that every decision I've ever made was done so under the guise of God's approval. Maybe I haven't ever really listened at all... maybe I just plowed ahead based on my own feelings at the time...
I keep reminding myself that the steps of a righteous man are ordered. That my choices were not the ones that got me where I am right now. However, one cannot help but pause and wonder if everything I have experienced was some sort of course correction due to my own ignorance, stubborness or disobedience. I trust HIM. I love HIM. I want nothing more in this life than to be known as HIS daughter. His servant. His bride. His friend. But am I really there or just fooling myself?
I know Joseph was chosen and given promises by God that were in no way fulfilled in the way he would have expected or even wanted them to be. But how much of his ordeal was in God's plan, and how much was brought about by his own arrogance, or poor judgement (he did not have to flaunt his father's favor to his jealous brothers, after all)?
I keep praying about my job situation - that God will lead me where He wants me to be, and that my spouse will be in agreement and it will be what is best for me, our family, and God's plan. But I am fearful of making the wrong decision if I'm given more than one option. I'm just not sure I know how to discern the direction of Jehovah anymore...if I ever did.
Wow. Some wounds go deep into places you never thought they could.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Some lessons from remarriage...
God allows for divorce due to the hardening of hearts. However, He is very selective on whom can and under what circumstances may you remarry. I studied, sought counsel, and prayed and listened very carefully. Blending families is not an easy task. I believe were it not for the Lord approving of my remarriage, it would be an all but impossible one. It has been clear to me why so many second marriages fall by the wayside...mostly because of the kids.
Let me clarify, my marriage is strong and sure. God is in it. But the kids, who never asked for the divorces and certainly didn't ask for the remarriages have put many obstacles in the way that would cause the faint of heart to give up. At times it has been difficult to see from God's perspective of eternity and not just the frustration and pain of the moment.
In spite of it all, I still belive it was the right thing. Being right in the eyes of God does not mean being trouble free as Joseph, Job, Jesus, etc. all learned. My kids have a better mother and they have a father figure who can help guide them into mature, Christian manhood. I have a partner and companion that helps sharpen me and makes me a better woman. Steve's children, though they are less accepting of the arrangment, have an example of what a Godly marriage should be playing out in front of them, and have a father who is less stressed because he has a help-mate now. Even though bringing the families together has created some problems, I still firmly believe that we are all better for it and it is God's will.
All that said...here are a few things I have learned for those of you heading down these waters. Take it or leave it.
#1 lower your expectations on the marriage - it is not a first, and it is not starting out as just the two of you. There will not be time for the honeymoon romance you had before - you are in the full throes of life, kids and all. Take the romance when you can and learn to appreciate it. And find ways to MAKE it happen even if it is just a few minutes each day. It doesn't have to be candelight dinners and movies. It may be just sitting on the couch cuddling, cooking dinner together and stealing a kiss between the frying pan and the sink.
#2 lower your expectations on the kids. They didn't ask for any of this and their frustration or feelings of powerlessness will most likely be aimed at you. It's nothing personal. Besides, teens are nasty even WITHOUT the divorce situation. It's just who they are. Some days, the best you may be able to hope for is just civility between everyone. Don't push the "family" idea on them, but do teach them that everyone has a place and is welcome and everyone is to be respectful of one another.
#3 lower your expectations on the time it will take. This is a journey, not a destination.
To sum up, lower your expectations. There is no such thing as the Brady Bunch. I am not saying any of this to be cynical, only real. If I've learned one thing in the past 4 years, it is that God walks WITH us through our trouble, He doesn't always deliver us OUT of it. And He does answer prayer, though it rarely happens in the way I expect it. He is infinitely more creative than I. He will not be put in a box. The hearts of kings were not changed by righteous lives of Shedrach, Meshach, Abednego or Daniel...they were changed after they saw how God walked through the fire or den of lions with them. Job still lost everything. Joseph stayed seperated from his family, still had to be a slave, and still served jail time. Jesus still had to endure the ridicule, torture, and the cross. Stephen was stoned. John, beheaded. Often, we are more glorious in our troubles, trials, and death than we are in life. And to live is Christ, to die is gain.
So I will press forward and not look behind. I will cast my eyes Heavenward for the example of how to live and thrive here to get a better reward. I will do my best to remember that these temporary troubles are nothing compared with the surpassing Glory that awaits me. Yes, God cares about the battles. But He is more concerned with the war. His perspective is eternal and mine is so very limited.
I have lowered my expectations of myself and those around me. And in that have found the confidence to raise my expectation of the One who can deliver. And trust Him for it.
Let me clarify, my marriage is strong and sure. God is in it. But the kids, who never asked for the divorces and certainly didn't ask for the remarriages have put many obstacles in the way that would cause the faint of heart to give up. At times it has been difficult to see from God's perspective of eternity and not just the frustration and pain of the moment.
In spite of it all, I still belive it was the right thing. Being right in the eyes of God does not mean being trouble free as Joseph, Job, Jesus, etc. all learned. My kids have a better mother and they have a father figure who can help guide them into mature, Christian manhood. I have a partner and companion that helps sharpen me and makes me a better woman. Steve's children, though they are less accepting of the arrangment, have an example of what a Godly marriage should be playing out in front of them, and have a father who is less stressed because he has a help-mate now. Even though bringing the families together has created some problems, I still firmly believe that we are all better for it and it is God's will.
All that said...here are a few things I have learned for those of you heading down these waters. Take it or leave it.
#1 lower your expectations on the marriage - it is not a first, and it is not starting out as just the two of you. There will not be time for the honeymoon romance you had before - you are in the full throes of life, kids and all. Take the romance when you can and learn to appreciate it. And find ways to MAKE it happen even if it is just a few minutes each day. It doesn't have to be candelight dinners and movies. It may be just sitting on the couch cuddling, cooking dinner together and stealing a kiss between the frying pan and the sink.
#2 lower your expectations on the kids. They didn't ask for any of this and their frustration or feelings of powerlessness will most likely be aimed at you. It's nothing personal. Besides, teens are nasty even WITHOUT the divorce situation. It's just who they are. Some days, the best you may be able to hope for is just civility between everyone. Don't push the "family" idea on them, but do teach them that everyone has a place and is welcome and everyone is to be respectful of one another.
#3 lower your expectations on the time it will take. This is a journey, not a destination.
To sum up, lower your expectations. There is no such thing as the Brady Bunch. I am not saying any of this to be cynical, only real. If I've learned one thing in the past 4 years, it is that God walks WITH us through our trouble, He doesn't always deliver us OUT of it. And He does answer prayer, though it rarely happens in the way I expect it. He is infinitely more creative than I. He will not be put in a box. The hearts of kings were not changed by righteous lives of Shedrach, Meshach, Abednego or Daniel...they were changed after they saw how God walked through the fire or den of lions with them. Job still lost everything. Joseph stayed seperated from his family, still had to be a slave, and still served jail time. Jesus still had to endure the ridicule, torture, and the cross. Stephen was stoned. John, beheaded. Often, we are more glorious in our troubles, trials, and death than we are in life. And to live is Christ, to die is gain.
So I will press forward and not look behind. I will cast my eyes Heavenward for the example of how to live and thrive here to get a better reward. I will do my best to remember that these temporary troubles are nothing compared with the surpassing Glory that awaits me. Yes, God cares about the battles. But He is more concerned with the war. His perspective is eternal and mine is so very limited.
I have lowered my expectations of myself and those around me. And in that have found the confidence to raise my expectation of the One who can deliver. And trust Him for it.
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