Target Pics

If you don't hear from me within a couple of weeks, you can assume the Target cartel has dispatched their lackeys to take care of me...I have no idea of this is legal. All I know for sure is 1)they are darn cute photos and 2)I spent a butt-load on a portrait package, including an extra fee to get on-line access. So until I hear otherwise...here are some of our most recent family photos.

for all you parents...

Came across this on You Tube. Sums it up quite well. You will laugh and cry...

Is there any greater thrill in life than being the most important person to our children? Any greater privilege than investing in their lives?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uISuvTiTYJA

Family portraits

I treated myself and my boys to some updated family portraits to replace all the old ones - they turned out really cute! I'll post some (if I legally can) once I get them back.

I got me some might fine boys - handsome, well behaved, fun. I am so grateful to God that I get the privilege of being their mommy. Nothing in this world is more important to me - and I pray nothing ever becomes more important, thus disqualifying me from the honor.

I'm starting to see glimmers of hope and excitement about the future of our family. Yes, I have to work more hours, but the hours I'm not working can be focused intensely on Jesus and Ethan and Noah. How can that be anything BUT good? I can't wait to see what happens in my heart, and to my character. And especially in and through the lives of these two wonderful people God made.

A Day Out With Thomas...

Rob took the boys to see Thomas the Tank Engine and have a train ride in Stillwater...

Saved from what?

Here is a question that has been bouncing around in my head...If I am "saved" what exactly is it I am saved from? What am I saved to? It has to be more than mere fire insurance...

I think on many levels, my walk with Jesus has been pretend. He is bidding me come to a deeper place and to be honest, I'm a little scared to go there. It was comfortable where I was. Deeper places require more from me. But do I REALLY know Him? Is He really mine?

What exactly did I need to be saved from? If I'm honest - I have to admit a bit of self righteousness here. Of course, I know I am not perfect, but I honestly don't think I've grasped just how dark and sinful my heart is - apart from Christ. After all, I've lead a pretty "good" and "nice" life. Sheltered and naive, some may say. Guess what...I'm seeing it now. It's not pretty. I see it in Rob - how a man who was so wonderful can change so quickly and so completely. I see it in myself - how I respond to Rob. The dark thoughts and imaginations that take hold when no one else is around. The realization that too much of my self worth was wrapped up in Rob and not in Christ. The horrible realization that perhaps the reason I'm having such difficulty accepting this is because I set Rob up as an idol in my life - I gave him a more important place than Jesus. And God is Jehovah Quanna - jealous.

I am starting to see that I needed to be saved from....myself. From what I will inevitably become if Christ is out of the picture. If I no longer allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart. And after seeing Rob's state - I do NOT want to go there. It's ugly, selfish, hurtful. It's treacherous and traitorous. It's merciless. It's destructive. I've seen those shadows in me of late. I pray for a more open-eyed view and understanding of that. I want a godly sorrow regarding the state of my heart and mind. Not condemnation - but conviction. Deep and penetrating conviction. No scales, no blinders. I want to come to a place where I am willing to expose my chest to His bullet and say "execute that sin" - whatever it takes.

Now what am I saved to? "Christ in me...the hope of glory". I need to understand that more. Because there are days that I think "if this is all there is, what is the point?"

I think I will read Acts again. The early church really had something that we lack - at least I lack. I want to want it. I'm weary of comfortable Chrisitanity - if that's all there is, why not just go Rob's direction and "enjoy" life - feel the "freedom of pleasure" - even if it is for only a season. There has to be more. I want the "pleasure of freedom" - freedom from anything that wants to rule over me and master me. Freedom from sin. Freedom from fear. Freedom to trust and believe.

I want it, I want it, I want it! Now to pursue...

Black and White vs. Gray

One lie that keeps surfacing in this ordeal is the idea of life often being "gray" where us Christians view it black and white. That one has really bothered me - but I could not put my finger on why. It seems a logical argument in some instances... such as is a lie really bad if you known the truth will hurt someone deeply?

Remember what I said about a small nugget of truth (it is wrong to hurt people) is wrapped in layers of lies (so therefore it is OK to break the law if it will save someone from being hurt)? The Spirit of Antichrist...is gray. Gray is what you get when you try to wrap white (truth) up in black (lies). But notice - gray is much closer to black than it is to white. White is pure and spotless...blemish-free. Any color added - no matter how little, and it is no longer true white.

Gray is what happened in Eden. God told Adam and Eve - "here is ONE tree, out of the entire garden, that you are NEVER to touch, let alone eat of. If you do you will die." Not "if you do you will get sick" or "if you do you MIGHT die". Black and white. Along comes the Serpent "God didn't really mean that...you won't die. That's hogwash. Why, God loves you - he would never punish you for partaking just a little taste. I'm sure he will forgive you and move on. Besides - if he really loved you, why would he withhold something so delicious, tempting and tantalizing from you? Maybe he just doesn't want to share. Maybe you would be doing GOD a favor by showing him His weakness and His selfishness. Maybe He's just afraid you will be like him - His equal. And if He has that much trouble with sharing power, then you will actually be helping Him out by eating...just a little bite. He'll learn something from all of this and so will you - then your relationship can be even better than before. C'mon - what can it hurt? No one will know. It's a secret." Notice the little nuggets of 'white'? Add the lies and what do you get? - GRAY.

Unfortunately, the consequences of "gray thinking" are never gray. Nor are they white. They are only black. Not fair, but that's sin. Adam and Eve believed the gray, chose the black and look where it has gotten us all.

I don't care if it does label me a fanatic or narrow minded. The stakes are too high. I want no allowance for compromise in my life. No gray.

I must point out the hope and grace, though...because that is the message of Christ. His blood can wash out the gray - returning the color to an amazing shade of white like never before. A white even more pure and spotless than it was originally. A blinding white. But only He can do it. I pray that we all will apply His blood to our "gray matter". (now THAT will preach...do I hear an AMEN?!) :)

The tactics of the enemy

I am gaining a deep understanding of what Christ must have gone through in the wilderness...as the enemy was using the holy Word of God to try to deceive and tempt him. So much in the past 2 months has been confusing as the enemy very subtly uses tiny nuggets of truth wrapped in several layers of lies to keep me reeling. What has it shown me? I don't know the Word of God nearly as much as I should.

I'm reminded of when my mom was a teller at a bank. I remember her telling me about their training to spot counterfeit bills. Surprisingly, there wasn't hours and hours of training - because there were so many variations of counterfeits, it would be impossible to learn them all. Instead, the bank focused on making sure the tellers knew what the TRUE bills looked like, felt like, smelled like...once you have the true bill burned in your mind, the counterfeits are easy to spot.

What an object lesson. You know what the best thing about learning where you are weak is? The new opportunity to fix it and the possibilities that lie in store from this moment forward.

Grace upon grace, mercy upon mercy - and none of it deserved by me. I am in awe and humbled - "when I think of the heavens and Your workmanship, what is man (Lori) that you should be mindful of him (her)?" The King of Glory knows my weaknesses, shortcomings, faults, mistakes, and the darkness of my heart....AND HE LOVES ME IN SPITE OF IT ALL. And died to pay for it all even while I continued to betray Him and refuse his love. And even as I still betray him and disappoint him and bring him shame from time to time.

I pray for a godly sorrow towards my sin - one that isn't just sorry for bad things I've done, or evil I've entertained in my thoughts, but one that brings about a REAL and DEEP understanding of my sinfulness in light of His holiness. Godly sorrow brings about TRUE repentance. And in true repentance, there is no room for self righteousness or entitlement or pride. Only an understanding that it is a miracle that any of us are saved - and no sin is too dark what cannot be cleansed by His blood and His love.

There is a precious sister in the Lord at my church who has a beautiful ministry of intercession. God gifts her with visions and word pictures that she shares with me as she lifts me and my family in prayer. As I mentioned I've been so confused by the seemingly duality of instruction in the Word regarding my suggestion. The battle to "figure out what to do" is mostly of my own making as I am a "fixer". Sunday she shared with me that as she was praying, God brought a scene from the movie "Return of the King" to her mind. It is the one where the small, seemingly defeated army lead by Aragorn was standing before the vast, snarling army of orcs and uruk hai under Sauron's command. Thinking Frodo was dead and the ring was back in the hands of the enemy, they bravely charge forward to their deaths. Then Psalms 23 popped in her head "thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies..." and she envisioned a beautiful banquet table with fine linens, china, silver and gold, and the richest of foods spread out with Christ sitting at one end and one other chair - just for me - at the other. Surrounding this table was the snarling, drooling, cursing enemy. And you know what? Even though they outnumbered me and surrounded me on every side, all they could do is stand there and watch and drool, and snarl - they could not touch me because I was with the King.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I describe that to you - and I am overwhelmed by the love of Christ. I am realizing that I don't have to understand any of this - I only have to trust that the same One who would prepare such a beautiful feast just for He and I to share, the same one that can keep the snarling orcs at bay, is the One who will bring me through this and the One who will be glorified in and through me, if only I will sit at the table and just BE with Him. I purpose to learn to just BE. To "be still and know that I AM GOD".

Ephesians 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

How many warriors have you seen that just stand? How crazy is it to sit down to a nice dinner in the middle of a battle field surrounded by things that want to utterly destroy and consume you? Notice it doesn't say 'when the day of evil comes - rush in and stop it." This is a hard lesson for us "do-ers" and "fixers" - but who better to fight my foes than He who can destroy them with just a word? Why should I waste energy slashing and stabbing all to no avail? - there are too many and they are too strong for me. But not for Him. His armor and protection is sure, His victory swift and complete. All I have to do is stand and just be. Trust him to do the rest.

God, may I find that place - under your wing of protection, at your feet like Mary, at your banquet table. Help me to allow you to be more than enough and say along with Job "though You slay me, yet will I trust You".

Bridge collapse

Wow. This certainly has been the summer for reminders of how much life can change in an instant, hasn't it? How many times have I driven over that bridge? While I wasn't anywhere near it, eyewitness accounts I've heard have described the eerie silence in an otherwise very bustling area - especially in light of the fact that it was in the middle of rush hour.

I don't want to diminish the loss of life that has occurred, but considering the time and location, it could have been much, much greater. That ,in itself, is a miracle.

The other miracle - God chose to spare Rob one more day. That is a common route he takes. Mercy upon mercy that is continuously rejected.