Saved from what?

Here is a question that has been bouncing around in my head...If I am "saved" what exactly is it I am saved from? What am I saved to? It has to be more than mere fire insurance...

I think on many levels, my walk with Jesus has been pretend. He is bidding me come to a deeper place and to be honest, I'm a little scared to go there. It was comfortable where I was. Deeper places require more from me. But do I REALLY know Him? Is He really mine?

What exactly did I need to be saved from? If I'm honest - I have to admit a bit of self righteousness here. Of course, I know I am not perfect, but I honestly don't think I've grasped just how dark and sinful my heart is - apart from Christ. After all, I've lead a pretty "good" and "nice" life. Sheltered and naive, some may say. Guess what...I'm seeing it now. It's not pretty. I see it in Rob - how a man who was so wonderful can change so quickly and so completely. I see it in myself - how I respond to Rob. The dark thoughts and imaginations that take hold when no one else is around. The realization that too much of my self worth was wrapped up in Rob and not in Christ. The horrible realization that perhaps the reason I'm having such difficulty accepting this is because I set Rob up as an idol in my life - I gave him a more important place than Jesus. And God is Jehovah Quanna - jealous.

I am starting to see that I needed to be saved from....myself. From what I will inevitably become if Christ is out of the picture. If I no longer allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart. And after seeing Rob's state - I do NOT want to go there. It's ugly, selfish, hurtful. It's treacherous and traitorous. It's merciless. It's destructive. I've seen those shadows in me of late. I pray for a more open-eyed view and understanding of that. I want a godly sorrow regarding the state of my heart and mind. Not condemnation - but conviction. Deep and penetrating conviction. No scales, no blinders. I want to come to a place where I am willing to expose my chest to His bullet and say "execute that sin" - whatever it takes.

Now what am I saved to? "Christ in me...the hope of glory". I need to understand that more. Because there are days that I think "if this is all there is, what is the point?"

I think I will read Acts again. The early church really had something that we lack - at least I lack. I want to want it. I'm weary of comfortable Chrisitanity - if that's all there is, why not just go Rob's direction and "enjoy" life - feel the "freedom of pleasure" - even if it is for only a season. There has to be more. I want the "pleasure of freedom" - freedom from anything that wants to rule over me and master me. Freedom from sin. Freedom from fear. Freedom to trust and believe.

I want it, I want it, I want it! Now to pursue...