I'm so tired of the emotional rollercoaster I'm on. I'll be doing great and BAM he'll do or say something to plunge the knife in yet again and send me backwards. It's hard to describe exactly who he has become. Needless to say, one of the most painful parts is knowing how much time, effort, love and passion I poured into this man for 17 years....and he doesn't even seem to miss me.
It makes it very difficult to hold on to the understanding that it's not personal - because it FEELS personal. Especially when he can be so mean and flippant in his attitude and words.
I know I am no longer dealing with Rob. I am dealing with a spirit that has consumed him. And I, like a fool, have been fighting against flesh and blood with carnal weaponry - arguments, reason, anger, violence, tears and sorrow. I have to learn to turn him over to the Almighty...easier said than done when he won't stop coming around. I think he enjoys the torment on some sinister level. I am open to whatever I need to do to help myself to heal - including a move. I'm tired of playing his set up game - where he causes something then accuses me in my reaction or uses my reaction to justify his evil somehow (as if there is any justification to be found in what he is doing).
I am getting a hard lesson on what the Word means when it says to "pray for your enemies and those who SPITEFULLY use you"...I just never expected it to be talking about my husband and friend.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Fire Department Annual Open House
Another annual family tradition has come and gone - the Fridley Fire Dept. Open House. They put on a good show - lots of fire engines and other official city machines (police cars, snow plows, construction equip., etc.) for the kids to climb in, free prizes, free food, Home Depot kids and an area to build them, fun activities and really cool demos. Our favorite is when they set a mock living room on fire with a toaster. Really makes you want to go home and practice your fire drills - the entire room is usually engulfed in less than 2 minutes. This year they added rides around the block in an old fashioned, collector fire engine. See the pics below.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Just checking in
We are all doing well. Been busier now that I'm working and getting back into the swing of things with church. Doing a wonderful study on Covenant through the Precepts Ministries. It's really beautiful. At first, I was nervous that it would be a constant reminder that my so called "husband" placed little to no value on our covenant, but it's been more about God's covenant with us - His people. Again, I am being pursued. He is captivated with me!
I've really tried to refrain from saying negative things about "he who must not be named" :) - but I've had it with trying to always take the high road when he's slithering around in the ditch and trying to fling mud up at me all day long. So here goes a "vent": last week, he liquidated MORE of our HELOC - and then went through the pretense of "asking" me if he could "borrow" it. He'd already purchased a car with it before even asking!!! Can you believe the sheer audacity? "Lori, I know I'm shirking every responsibility towards you and the boys - especially now that I've left you without any health coverage. But it's more important to me to have some wheels and not be inconvenienced by having to take a bus or ask for a ride than it is to make sure you have backup money to pay for Noah's meds and keep up your B12 shots so you can care for the children I've abandoned." He even got a legal consultation back in the summer and apparently didn't pay one bit of attention to the lawyer. Any attorney worth his salt would have explained the concept of "liquidating marital assets for personal gain" to him. What does Rob hear? "blah, blah, blah...do whatever you want, blah, blah, blah". I'm to the point where it's starting to become humorous...how easy he's making this for me. He's hanging himself - I don't have to point a finger. God is clearly the head of my home, my husband and father to my son's. He is our defender - our bulwark. No weapon (financial, emotional, spiritual, physical) Rob forms against me will prosper. As a matter of fact, they all seem to be strangely backfiring. Rob is no match for the Almighty.
He's played the fool - he's sown to the wind and he's reaping a whirlwind.
I've really tried to refrain from saying negative things about "he who must not be named" :) - but I've had it with trying to always take the high road when he's slithering around in the ditch and trying to fling mud up at me all day long. So here goes a "vent": last week, he liquidated MORE of our HELOC - and then went through the pretense of "asking" me if he could "borrow" it. He'd already purchased a car with it before even asking!!! Can you believe the sheer audacity? "Lori, I know I'm shirking every responsibility towards you and the boys - especially now that I've left you without any health coverage. But it's more important to me to have some wheels and not be inconvenienced by having to take a bus or ask for a ride than it is to make sure you have backup money to pay for Noah's meds and keep up your B12 shots so you can care for the children I've abandoned." He even got a legal consultation back in the summer and apparently didn't pay one bit of attention to the lawyer. Any attorney worth his salt would have explained the concept of "liquidating marital assets for personal gain" to him. What does Rob hear? "blah, blah, blah...do whatever you want, blah, blah, blah". I'm to the point where it's starting to become humorous...how easy he's making this for me. He's hanging himself - I don't have to point a finger. God is clearly the head of my home, my husband and father to my son's. He is our defender - our bulwark. No weapon (financial, emotional, spiritual, physical) Rob forms against me will prosper. As a matter of fact, they all seem to be strangely backfiring. Rob is no match for the Almighty.
He's played the fool - he's sown to the wind and he's reaping a whirlwind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)