Bad news is it's been a rough couple of week. Good news is I can actually feel progress in my spirit and my mind. I asked my counselor about this back and forth thing and he said it's normal for me as long as I'm making progress. Apparently I have a "right side"...the side that is my go getter, my pick-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps side that wants to be done with it all and move on. Then there is my left side...my emotional side that must grieve and work through it. My right side feeds on anger - if I get good and mad at him the I can get over it. But anger blocks the grief. So every once in a while, my emotional side says "take a break already and let me cry". With each "set back" I cling desperately to the truth even though I don't feel it. And I come out on the other side feeling more detached, which is good. I come out believing the truth a bit more, and starting to feel the truth. That, my friends, is progress. Unfortunately my counselor has also told me this is going to take time and it will not be quick. But I must embrace it and let it happen at the pace God has designed.
I shared with my mom that it's a lot like a serious wound. Often a wound must be irritated in order to heal. A broken bone must be set, a deep cut or scrape must be cleaned thoroughly, a bullet must first be removed. It involves pain and suffering, but without it infection sets in and the danger of gangrene. My infection is bitterness. If I am ever to be whole and share life with another, then I must embrace the pain and the suffering and let Him clean the wound. Even if it means He has to remove the scab over and over again to apply the ointment. The only way to let it all go is to not deny it's existance - it must be dealt with. And it is deep so the cleansing must happen in phases like peeling an onion...remove one layer to deal with the layer underneath.
I am sensing a peace about moving to Ohio. I believe it's going to happen. It might mean, however, that I have to be willing to let him have the children for overnights and extended periods. That still scares me, but I have to trust Jesus with my kids just like I've had to trust him with my heart and my life and my salvation.
Pastor Pete spoke on "why God doesn't answer my prayers" Sunday. Among the reasons was "because He may have something better". Dear Jesus, please let it be so. I never imagined I would want my life to not have Rob in it. But that's where I'm heading. He simply has too much "junk" and I have less and less interest to help him with it or be burdened by it. I have a lot to offer and he squelched it in me. I will NOT settle ever again.
1 comment:
Hi Lori.
Your analogy to the healing wound is really insightful. I'm reminded of a dear friend who was in a terrible accident that required skin grafting. Every day, three times a day, her husband had to remove her bandages in order to apply medicine to the graft. Every time he did so, the pain was just excruciating, but it had to be done in order for the graft to take hold and heal. Sounds familiar, eh?
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