I know I haven't caught up with all the photos and events of the summer, but I had to take a moment and express some thoughts that have been in this brain for a while and just share where Jesus has brought me.
2 years ago, I experienced the worst pain I can ever imagine. My heart felt ripped apart, trampled, utterly destroyed. I honestly did not think I would ever recover or ever be normal again. I certainly did not think I'd ever trust or love anyone like I did Rob. I feared the scars he left me would be permanent features of who I am, controlling my future and my destiny in ways I didn't want them to. I felt helpless, hopeless, lost.
Slowly, God has restored the years the locust have eaten. It's not been miracle upon miracle (though there have been miracles), it hasn't all been good. Sometimes healing requires further tearing, cleaning, reopening of wounds - and though it hurts, it's necessary work.
I often did not see the light at the end of the tunnel - just an endless, eternal tunnel of darkness. It has affected every part of my life and still does in many ways. The single parenting issues have not gone away. The financial strain and fall out has not gone away. However, I am learning to adjust, adapt, reorganize, manage...
Back in May, God showed up in an unexpected and glorious way. As many of you know, I waited to start dating. First, I felt it necessary to be divorced legally. Second, I felt it necessary to at least reach a place in my healing where I was sure that I was over Rob and was ready to put him and my life with him behind me and look forward. As of January '09, I felt like these thresholds were reached and I began to enjoy dating again - but casually. I knew I was not ready for anything serious or exclusive. I think I had convinced myself that I'd have to date LOTS of different people over a very long period of time before I found a match. I think I convinced myself that I had to be completely healed and restored before I could connect with another soul. I think I convinced myself that I had to have my life and priorities all 100% correct before I could think of joining myself with another or merging families. I think I convinced myself that my relationship with Christ had to be back to what it once was before He allowed me to move forward with any other relationships. However, God showed up to dispel those myths in Steve Wegman.
Steve had not only pursued me romantically making me feel like a giddy little school girl (I had forgotten how it felt to have someone like you and want you like that), he has become a wonderful friend, a superb father figure, a helper, and a brother in Christ. He has been instrumental to my healing, my sanity, my spiritual growth, my esteem and confidence, and has been an excellent mentor and guide for Ethan and Noah. I watch in amazement as they bond with him and my heart swells. I have learned that not only has my divorce NOT hindered my ability to love another, but it has actually enhanced it...for I no longer take it for granted. I understand the joy of a true spiritual and emotional and romantic connection with another - one who has CHOSEN to connect with me and committed to that connection. One who treats it with respect and honor as it should be. With that, I've also learned that my ability to trust has not been affected either. It's shifted to it's rightful place. I now understand where I had misplaced trust before, and have learned I can be a trusting person without trusting those who are not deserving of it. Learning that has made a huge difference - it helps me have the correct expectations of others including Rob. More realistic expectations based on THEIR performance, honesty, efforts. Not what I wish they were.
Steve has also validated everything I thought I was, but that had been invalidated and destroyed by Rob. Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to just have someone recognize qualities in you that are positive or that enhance their lives? I know we should not need the validation of mankind, but it sure does feel great when we do get a nod every now and then!
So where I agree completely that divorce is never God's will - He always prefers restoration, sometimes that is not possible due to the OTHER parties choices, not your own. God will not hold us in bondage to that kind of emotional torment. He will find another way for RESTORATION (His perfect will) to happen - even if it's through another. God's chosen instrument for me, Ethan, and Noah seems to be Steve, Joe, and Ben Wegman. The future looks very bright, indeed. And God gets all the praise, glory, and credit. Please hold us all in your prayers as we carefully navigate unknown territory and contemplate our futures.
An amazed and grateful daughter of the King,
Lori
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