Thursday, May 3, 2012
The Seed of Doubt
My impending unemployment has stirred some very confusing emotions in me. I would expect fear or anxiety. Even depression. But I have a peace that I will find employment. No, instead, it has drummed up some left over places in my heart that I suspect was damaged by my divorce. Self doubt. Not self doubt in my abilities, really. Or my worth. But ever since the divorce one thing has plagued me...did I ever really hear and know the voice of God? Ever since my ex husbands revelation of his "true nature" I have wondered if I was just totally blind to this by my feelings for him or did he change? Did God really give me His blessing to join with Rob or did He try to warn me? Did I really hear from God about homeschooling? Especially since I didn't even really get to even start before the boys father abandoned us. Or was I always to remain in the public school classroom? Is that where He wants me now or should I be home more? Questions, questions, questions...and no clear direction. Yet. I have to trust that the same Father who has held me through many storms over the past 5 years, will not let me go now. No, I do not doubt HIM...I doubt my ability to hear and know His thoughts for me. His plan. I have a fear that every decision I've ever made was done so under the guise of God's approval. Maybe I haven't ever really listened at all... maybe I just plowed ahead based on my own feelings at the time...
I keep reminding myself that the steps of a righteous man are ordered. That my choices were not the ones that got me where I am right now. However, one cannot help but pause and wonder if everything I have experienced was some sort of course correction due to my own ignorance, stubborness or disobedience. I trust HIM. I love HIM. I want nothing more in this life than to be known as HIS daughter. His servant. His bride. His friend. But am I really there or just fooling myself?
I know Joseph was chosen and given promises by God that were in no way fulfilled in the way he would have expected or even wanted them to be. But how much of his ordeal was in God's plan, and how much was brought about by his own arrogance, or poor judgement (he did not have to flaunt his father's favor to his jealous brothers, after all)?
I keep praying about my job situation - that God will lead me where He wants me to be, and that my spouse will be in agreement and it will be what is best for me, our family, and God's plan. But I am fearful of making the wrong decision if I'm given more than one option. I'm just not sure I know how to discern the direction of Jehovah anymore...if I ever did.
Wow. Some wounds go deep into places you never thought they could.
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5 comments:
Lori,
Faith is not Faith unless it stands in the face of doubt.To find the seed of doubt in the garden of your heart is not always the bad thing that we take it to be...It is that doubt which makes us consider where we stand with God.When I say WE I mean me,and many other Christians who have come to the crisis of doubt in the life that is walked by Faith and not by sight.Wondering if you have EVER discerned or listened to the voice of God actually demonstates that your spirit wants to know what
God has to say.It is in some ways like the person that is worried if they have committed the unpardonable sin...if they are worried about it they still have not been seared...Do I believe that you have listened to God in your life ....Yes and I will message you on Facebook to remind you of a conversation that took place in ther centenary room at Lee with you Rob and myself you both requested privacy so I will continue in a private format if you decide to post that is your choice...I am only honoring the request on your behalf.
George
Yes...please. Thank you, George.
Lori,
I have tried FB message 3 times last night and when your chat bar came up the system crashed. Then I recalled that your blog requires your ok to post. That I feel allows me to honor Your portion of the privacy request you can read it and not post or post if you choose just if you don't mind put a small mention that you got this on my FB wall so that I know.
The conversation I am refering to occurred in the Centenary Room during a break between classes. Rob stated that he had a "struggle"
with pornography that included (my apologies for using these words) self gratification...and that the problem was not just with magazines noted for porn. It also involved lingerie catalogues that you had recieved as a women that like most has to buy undergarments.
You told me he waited to tell you until the day of your anniversary.
Now what does this have todo with Hearing from God? More than you might think. The natural response to something like this would be prolonged anger self doubt and questioning yourself as a woman.
I am guessing that at some level you did go through that...What is most important though is your final
reaction....forgiveness and agreeing to help Rob.You could have walked away in seperation until he could prove his act was together, or if you had taken the strictest appoach you could have said,"Rob you have looked on other women in lust, and by the words of Jesus you have already committed adultry in your heart...I want out
of this relationship.this is where hearing from God comes into the story...You offered forgiveness and the chance for a fresh start that is the Nature of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit at work in you. You may claim that it is the only right thing to do...Let me assure I have talked and listened to many that got out quickly.
To know if you have heard the voice of God you must consider the ways he has and does reveal Himself to us.
1)Natural Revelation: " The heavens declare the Glory of God the firmament shows His handiwork.
2)Incarnaion Revelation: The person of Jesus of Nazareth: If you have seen me you have seen the Father" this includes His teaching way of life and His desire to seek and to save that which is lost.
3)Verbal Inspiration Revelation: All scripture is given by divine inspiration and teaches us about the process of someone being drawn away by their own lusts (important to understand that this demonstrates free-will and that we can if we decide to walk away from God.)
4) The ongoing Revelation of the ministry of the Holy Spirit: Filling us and prviding wisdom, comfort, and working with our conscience.
part 2
Now those arenot the only ways God speaks to us but they are the most
visable way noted in the New Testament.
My argument to you about you "never hearing from God" is this:
You have mentioned the beauty of His creation.
Youhave expressed the desire to be His daughter and no one comes to the Father except through the Son
and no one comes to the son except the Spirit of the Father draws them.The posts from you and Steve demonstrate a respect for the written Word of God. In that way you have shown that you are sensitive to the ways He reveals Himself as listed above.
In my last letter I shared that a seed of doubt if approached properly can actually help grow your Faith. Do I think that you are perfect...no....but you have expressed the desire to be perfected by Him.Are you the only one that questions if you missed something God was trying to reveal in His time? Nope.You must remember that you are in a relationship with God, not a religion.The difference between relating to God and relating to others is that God is constant in his desire for your best. I have read your posts back and forth with Steve and it appears that both of you are growing and showing your children good Godly examples.Sandee and I have talked about how things would have been different if we met in High School...We both agree that in order to appreciate God's best for us and our children we had to have grown some more (men don't really ever grow up) we do mature (in most areas).Lori I , you, Steve, and even Rob have been given free-will...What we do with it is upto us.We can pull away from God and try to ignore all He has done for us, or We can embrace Him tightly as we follow His path in a lost world.When you gave Rob chances to change you were acting in the way that God would. When the situation became a spiritual and emotional danger to you and the children you were following God as He set about protecting you and the children. This is the simplified version...If you are like most you probably secondn guessed yourself many times and you might have even wondered what you could have done differently. When we say all things work together for the good those who love the Lordand are called according to His purpose . Wear not actually reading the literal translation. The difference may at first seem unimportant but hear now the first part in a more literal Translation:
GOD works all things....It is now some vague disconnected chain of events that work themself out in the end. God is actively working to be certain that all the events that occur in this world prepare us for His best and the time when we get to enter into His Kingdom.What you went through brought you to where you are and who you are. I imagine you better appreciate the man that is your husband because you have been witness to those who turn away from God.I know that I am rather long winded on this but I truly feel compelled to encourage you. Please let us know what we can do to help.
Your Brother in Christ,
George
George...thank you. so much. I had forgotten that conversation. I had also forgotten just how long this was a problem. Looking back, I don't think there was ever a time that Jesus and I fully had Rob's heart. He was unfaithful to me for our entire marriage! Ugh. Makes me sick that I saved myself for THAT, honestly. :(
I appreciate your willingness to continue to honor the privacy asked for at the time. I have gone ahead and posted because I know there are some (women in particular) who have and are going through a similar trial and have told me my blog has been a help. This encouraged me more than you know and I want to make it available to others. Besides, when we asked for discretion, it was because I was trying to honor my husband who was wanting help. He is no longer my husband and made it clear that he did not want, nor did he think himself needing of help anymore.
One thing I questioned for quite a while was this: Rob (and I) felt like God made us a promise several years back...that He would use our marriage to save others. Now, as most of us do, I painted what I thought that scenario would look like in my mind: Rob is delivered, our marriage is healed, and we lead groups, speak, teach, counsel, etc. others on the brink. At one point in the divorce proceedings, I was questioning (a nice way to put it - yelling at is more accurate) God about that promise. He revealed to me that He did not break that promise. Through my blog, my openess with others, my testimony, He has used it to save other marriages. Rob's is a cautionary tale of warning. Mine a victorious tale of overcoming IN SPITE OF MYSELF - but only through the blood and spirit of Christ.
Again, thank you brother. Not only for being a part of my life (you and Sandee), but for listening to the voice of God to speak when told to speak. It reminds me He is still there and working, even when I don't feel him. Faith, not sight. sigh. seems to be what most of this walk is, isn't it. Where is the "pentecost" in Pentecostal? ;) Sometimes, feeling him is at least a confirmation that you are on the right path, you know? Ah...a foolish generation seeks signs. Guess there is still foolishness in me. ;)
By the way, you are only long winded if you have nothing more to say but keep talking. You were "just the right length" winded. LOL!
Love in Christ - always,
Lori
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