The Seed of Doubt

My impending unemployment has stirred some very confusing emotions in me. I would expect fear or anxiety. Even depression. But I have a peace that I will find employment. No, instead, it has drummed up some left over places in my heart that I suspect was damaged by my divorce. Self doubt. Not self doubt in my abilities, really. Or my worth. But ever since the divorce one thing has plagued me...did I ever really hear and know the voice of God? Ever since my ex husbands revelation of his "true nature" I have wondered if I was just totally blind to this by my feelings for him or did he change? Did God really give me His blessing to join with Rob or did He try to warn me? Did I really hear from God about homeschooling? Especially since I didn't even really get to even start before the boys father abandoned us. Or was I always to remain in the public school classroom? Is that where He wants me now or should I be home more? Questions, questions, questions...and no clear direction. Yet. I have to trust that the same Father who has held me through many storms over the past 5 years, will not let me go now. No, I do not doubt HIM...I doubt my ability to hear and know His thoughts for me. His plan. I have a fear that every decision I've ever made was done so under the guise of God's approval. Maybe I haven't ever really listened at all... maybe I just plowed ahead based on my own feelings at the time... I keep reminding myself that the steps of a righteous man are ordered. That my choices were not the ones that got me where I am right now. However, one cannot help but pause and wonder if everything I have experienced was some sort of course correction due to my own ignorance, stubborness or disobedience. I trust HIM. I love HIM. I want nothing more in this life than to be known as HIS daughter. His servant. His bride. His friend. But am I really there or just fooling myself? I know Joseph was chosen and given promises by God that were in no way fulfilled in the way he would have expected or even wanted them to be. But how much of his ordeal was in God's plan, and how much was brought about by his own arrogance, or poor judgement (he did not have to flaunt his father's favor to his jealous brothers, after all)? I keep praying about my job situation - that God will lead me where He wants me to be, and that my spouse will be in agreement and it will be what is best for me, our family, and God's plan. But I am fearful of making the wrong decision if I'm given more than one option. I'm just not sure I know how to discern the direction of Jehovah anymore...if I ever did. Wow. Some wounds go deep into places you never thought they could.