Impossible?

Here's a deep theological perspective to chew on. I welcome comments.

Heb. 6:4-8

4It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit,5who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age,6if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because[2] to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
7Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.8But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.

I have read this in at least 4 different translations and every one of them says "impossible". Even though "with God, all things are possible". Guess that says a lot about free will, huh? With God, all things may be possible, but with man, there are simply some impossibilities because of man's selfishness, stubbornness, and outright rebellion. May I never subject my beautiful savior to public disgrace or another crucifixion. May my land never get hard from the outpouring of rain and only produce thistles. May I never turn away from the living water of which I have tasted. I am counting the cost and finding nothing more valuable than Christ.

new job

God is good and He is taking such good care of me and my boys. And when He chooses to open the storehouses....then look out! I don't want to reveal too much here, but apparently I'm a hot commodity - even being out of the classroom for the last 5 years and even in the middle of the school year when all the jobs are supposedly filled. If you want more details, e-mail me privately.

I had another incident that reminded me of the Israelites wandering the desert - even though they are in a horrible place seemingly aimlessly wandering without food, a home, etc. the Word says that God caused their shoes and clothes to last an unnaturally long time (in addition to providing them food and water). Praise God that He can and does work on so many levels - from causing our material goods to last longer, to providing the means by which to fix or replace them when that time comes - whether through a job or a miracle. Doesn't matter to me - it's all His hand at work! :)

And even on a "fun" note: I have officially dropped 50 lbs. Another testimony to His "levels": although the reason for my weight loss is horrible, at least I'm looking good and feeling really good about myself. It's as if the weight loss helps to counter the reason for the weight loss...if that makes sense. I'm now in a size I was in during my college years - it's been a long time! So despite the ending of one season of my life, I'm getting a new lease as I enter the next one.

Please pray for wisdom and discernment for me with regards to my employment- and that God would work out the child care situation to the best for me and for the boys.

validation

I know the source of my pain and my rollercoaster - I just don't know how to turn it off, you know? My problem is that I'm still viewing this hateful, cruel man as my husband and best friend and seeking validation of our relationship, our marriage, of my role as his friend and wife. Now I know full well he is NOT going to give it to me, nor could he even if he wanted to. But something in me fears that if he doesn't validate it, if he doesn't recognize it as true, then somehow that makes it invalidated and untrue. When, in reality, truth doesn't change and hasn't changed - Rob has. So therefore his opinion is moot. He has no credibility to validate anything. He has believed and continues to believe lies and deception, to the point that reality has become something else to him. Our history, my role, my importance, our relationship - he is not viewing any of it through the eyes of truth, therefore he has reframed it all and rewritten history. Just because someone doesn't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen or happened differently.

My husband and best friend is dead. This new person should mean nothing to me. How do I get there?

I KNOW IN WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED...

My God is real of that I have no doubt. I feel I am only starting to awaken to the love my Savior has for me. Only just now starting to scratch the surface of how high and how wide and how deep and how long is the love of Christ and to KNOW this love that surpasses ALL understanding! I wish, oh, I wish I could spill my guts and tell you all of specific ways he has revealed himself to me over the past month. To tell you all of the things he has spoken to my heart. But, alas - it would not be wise nor prudent given my current pending legal action. Oh, and because the devil might read this and learn what's going on. :) (that was a little inside humor for all my fellow pentecostals - especially you Lee alumni). I was asked this week by someone if I want to live in a place where I have to rely on miracles all the time? You know, maybe I would. I have never known such freedom! Granted, I'm not walking in the freedom like I should - constantly, unwaveringly, not doubting. I still find myself wringing my hands from time to time or projecting situations or circumstances that may never be. But ultimately I keep making my way back, even through the muck and mire, to the place of rest, peace, security. Under His wings. And I am learning to trust like never before. But where it seemed to be getting harder to trust for a while there, He has so proven Himself faithful and true, over and over, that it's actually getting EASIER to trust now. I'm sorry I could not trust without the proof, but such is the human heart, eh? Has my circumstance changed? Yes - it seems to be getting worse. But my peace is growing. My security is growing. My faith is growing. And my love for God is growing. And my realization of His love for me is growing. My anxiety, doubt, fear, grief and sorrow are all waning. I do not make any apologies for how long it has taken me to grieve this, nor how much longer it might take. For I am more certain than ever that when I am done, it will be complete. There will be closure. It will be finished.

If any of you would like more specific testimony, feel free to e-mail me and I will share details in a less public forum. But let me just say... TO GOD BE THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE.

I do hope there are many of you who are still praying for Rob. He needs it really bad. Allow the Lord to lead you how to pray - because I often don't know myself. I can tell you his heart and his mind has never been more bitter, hard, cold...nor has he ever been so far away. He is utterly consumed and I truly shudder to think what awaits him in this life and beyond.