My God is real of that I have no doubt. I feel I am only starting to awaken to the love my Savior has for me. Only just now starting to scratch the surface of how high and how wide and how deep and how long is the love of Christ and to KNOW this love that surpasses ALL understanding! I wish, oh, I wish I could spill my guts and tell you all of specific ways he has revealed himself to me over the past month. To tell you all of the things he has spoken to my heart. But, alas - it would not be wise nor prudent given my current pending legal action. Oh, and because the devil might read this and learn what's going on. :) (that was a little inside humor for all my fellow pentecostals - especially you Lee alumni). I was asked this week by someone if I want to live in a place where I have to rely on miracles all the time? You know, maybe I would. I have never known such freedom! Granted, I'm not walking in the freedom like I should - constantly, unwaveringly, not doubting. I still find myself wringing my hands from time to time or projecting situations or circumstances that may never be. But ultimately I keep making my way back, even through the muck and mire, to the place of rest, peace, security. Under His wings. And I am learning to trust like never before. But where it seemed to be getting harder to trust for a while there, He has so proven Himself faithful and true, over and over, that it's actually getting EASIER to trust now. I'm sorry I could not trust without the proof, but such is the human heart, eh? Has my circumstance changed? Yes - it seems to be getting worse. But my peace is growing. My security is growing. My faith is growing. And my love for God is growing. And my realization of His love for me is growing. My anxiety, doubt, fear, grief and sorrow are all waning. I do not make any apologies for how long it has taken me to grieve this, nor how much longer it might take. For I am more certain than ever that when I am done, it will be complete. There will be closure. It will be finished.
If any of you would like more specific testimony, feel free to e-mail me and I will share details in a less public forum. But let me just say... TO GOD BE THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE.
I do hope there are many of you who are still praying for Rob. He needs it really bad. Allow the Lord to lead you how to pray - because I often don't know myself. I can tell you his heart and his mind has never been more bitter, hard, cold...nor has he ever been so far away. He is utterly consumed and I truly shudder to think what awaits him in this life and beyond.
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