I've wrestled with hatred of late. Not extreme dislike that we label as "hatred", but I'm pretty sure it's the kind Christ described as "murder" when he was trying to explain to the Pharisees that it's more about the spirit of the law than the letter. My own heart disturbs me sometimes, but it' s a wonderful reminder of what I might become apart from my savior...and why I need one so badly. It drives me back into the arms and lap of Christ - the one and only antidote to fix my human frailties, weaknesses, and hypocrisy. The Word says the "heart is deceitful above all things...who can know it?" I would be lying to myself if I pretended that I'm OK and handling things well at every minute and every turn. I'm not. I don't. I'm OK with that. As long as I keep striving to do it correctly and keep seeking HIM. And keep putting myself on the alter as that "living sacrifice" and repenting. It's not enough to just say "yeah, I admit it. I'm sinning in this area. My heart is dark over here and I am on the throne instead of Christ" and leave it at that. I have to do something about it...I have to "prepare for rain"...
That is what has been spoken to me for sometime, and I have every excuse in the world to keep putting it off. I finally saw "Facing the Giants" this weekend and that dialog smacked me right in my kisser: 2 farmers pray for rain. One only prays and walks away, the other prays, then goes out to prepare his fields for the rain. Which one had faith that God would actually answer? The one who put forth his own hand and effort. Did he make the rain? Of course not - God still gets the glory for the answer, but he was ready for it and he put his faith to action. "Faith without works is dead". Jesus has been drawing me to prepare myself as His bride - just as I did as Rob's bride. To work on getting myself in shape. To read and study to prepare myself to be the best "wife" I can be. To seek counseling to prepare myself mentally and emotionally and to heal so I can be whole again for my kids, for Him, for any future relationship, and for myself. Basically prepare myself inside and outside - just as an engaged woman prepares for her wedding day. Prepare for His rain - to put feet to my faith. To give Him EVERYTHING and the best of it I have - not just ask for His answers then sit back and wait. To do what I can and know to do, then leave the results up to Him. He will open what He will, and shut what He will. And no person can open what He has shut, or close what He has opened. A life fully surrendered to Christ, doesn't mean pain-free, heart-ache free, trouble-free, but it does mean peace and joy - even when happiness is elusive.
Unfortunately, I haven't REALLY forgiven yet. And I have to forgive. Not for Rob's sake. For my own. My unforgiveness is hurting my relationship with my savior...and will ultimately hurt other human relationships. I have to learn to understand that forgiveness is not letting Rob off the hook, pretending it didn't happen, or saying it is "OK". It is not. It was and still is wrong. But forgiving him is relinquishing my right to make Rob pay. For it is a price he can't pay - will never be able to. Like all sin. And it is not within my right to be judge. That is God's place. For me to forgive Rob will actually free God to take His rightful place and free me of the useless burden that I cannot bear. But I am accepting that this is more of a process than a one time thing. And an act of faith. If I wait until I "feel" like forgiving him, it will never happen. And I will become bitter and jaded. I'm not willing to let that happen. That is NOT who Christ created me to be. I have to keep seeking God to work this in my heart...for I cannot on my own. I am incapable of this kind of forgiveness, of Agape love towards the man who has betrayed and hurt me and my children so mercilessly. This can only be a work of Christ in my heart through an act of bending my will to His. Jesus, make me willing to be willing...
It's not about me. It's about Jesus. I've been asking the wrong questions. I ask "why" when I should be asking "what do You want me to learn, here?". I'll ask "when" when I should be asking for His timing and for the grace to endure and glorify Him in my patient trust. I'll ask "why not" when I should be asking Him how I can lift Him up most in my circumstances. I'll ask "what if" when I should be turning it all over to Him and not worrying about the details - I cannot add one minute to my life worrying about what might or might not be.
I've also been looking from the wrong perspective. Using the wrong gauges to assess the situation. What is my purpose in life? Was it to be Rob's wife? I thought it was. But, No. Marriage was just something that happened along the way. It was beautiful and I believe it was arranged to enhance both of our life purposes...if it were nurtured and if we kept our hearts where they should have been. He chose not to, so his presence became an obstacle that threatened to defeat my purpose...which is to glorify and love God with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. Did God cause the divorce? No. His word says "I hate divorce" and now I know why. Because of the lives it attempts to destroy and the hurt it imparts. Notice I said attempts. I am not about to let Rob's decision cast a shadow over my life, or that of my children. I do not believe we are better without him, if he had not changed. But I do believe we are better off without who he has chosen to become. And therefore, God will fulfill the promises Rob broke, God will fill the gaps Rob left. God will take up the slack where Rob failed. God will pick up the pieces that Rob shattered. God chose not to save me FROM this pain, but He is saving me IN this pain - as long as I keep letting Him.
I am tired of the mental anguish of determining my value and worth by human standards. Especially Rob's standards. I am Christ's. That is all the validation I need. I am worthy, I am lovable, I am beautiful, I am valuable...because HE said I am. And He paid a dear price to redeem me. No matter if any other created human being ever thinks so or says so. God forgive me for seeking anything apart from you!!!
I purpose to fulfill my purpose. I purpose to give Him everything I've got. My best. This is a scary declaration - because I know I will fail at times. But ultimately...I WILL love Him no matter what. I WILL serve Him no matter what. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. And nothing....NOTHING can separate me from His love. Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him.
One last observation: while I recognize I have not been "preparing for rain" as I should yet (and that changes TODAY), I will say this. When Christ is becoming your everything, when you get to a place in your life that He is all you have, then your worship certainly becomes more free. Frankly, I don't care anymore what people think of how I worship. I don't care if I look like an utter fool - I, as David, will kick up my heels and dance - even at the disdain of my loved ones. Because HE IS WORTHY OF IT.
The anticipation of where He may take me once I start acting on my prayers and my faith...is awesomely breathtaking. I want my life to be poured out - to allow every single circumstance - good and bad - to scream of His wonder, faithfulness, mercy, love, and grace. To Him who sits on the throne be all blessing, honor, glory and power forever. Amen.
The adventure continues... And what a grand adventure it is becoming!
No comments:
Post a Comment