fallout?

I've been contemplating today. I think I am beginning to recognize one of the scars left on my heart from my divorce. Rejection. I anticipate it. I am a bit hypersensitive to it. I now have a tendency to feel it even when it doesn't really exist. If something negative happens, I tend to wrap it around this theme of rejection.

A good example: I went back to my vocal therapist yesterday. I've been experiencing some anomalies with my voice...tiredness, slight hoarseness (not like before, but a weird glitch or catch in my voice in the upper register/transition notes). I was hoping the verdict would be lack of sleep, too much caffeine, not enough water - things I can control. Instead, I have a sulcus, or scar left from the surgery.

What does this mean? I don't know. It may mean my singing days and theater days are over. This makes me tremendously sad - beyond what I can even express. It may mean I have to learn ways around it. It may be correctable with the right procedure and right doctor. But a lot of that depends on price, etc. Immediately, I feel rejected by God. I feel as if He is taking away a talent and pleasure He blessed me with and I have been careful to use to glorify Him for these many years.

Why do I jump right to rejection? Why, if someone important to me is having a bad day, do I feel rejected? Why, if someone corrects my children or can't handle their energy and needs them to calm down, do I feel rejected? Why, if a friend is not particularly talkative, or doesn't seem interested in meeting me for lunch, do I feel rejected? Why, when my children are rejected for some awkward social behavior,do I feel also rejected? I believe this is fallout from my ordeal that I am going to have to learn some coping mechanisms for.

I guess I knew, deep down, there would be fallout. There would be scars. There would be emotional leftovers that I will deal with for a while. I just hoped it was nothing huge or overwhelming. This feels a little overwhelming for me. I'm not used to being as emotionally crippled as I have for the past almost 3 years. I've always considered myself a rather stable and healthy person who is able to consider the many sides of a circumstance and logically override my feelings - eventually. I bounce back. But this tendency to immediately feel rejected has caught me off guard and I'm not sure what to do about it from here. As they say, recognition is the first step.And the length of time that I have been rehabilitating is hard for me. I'm a destination girl, not a journey girl. Patience is not one of my stronger areas.:)

I do remember a times earlier in my life that I felt rejection really keenly like this. And, of course, usually it was during a time that I was having to deal with Rob's porn and emotional/spiritual betrayal. I also remember pouring my heart out to the Lord and Him telling me "I'm letting you feel this so you can help others who do". In other words, He was letting me know this feeling is not unique to me...most of us feel it. Perhaps my heightened awareness is a message that I need to reach out to others and do more to make sure others do not feel rejected by me.

It is a good reminder...even the most composed, confident, poised, "all together" person around us feels rejected and vulnerable sometimes. We should all remember to pour ourselves out to others as much as we can.

Christmas with the Wegmans...

Steve bought me a spa day and the Star Trek movie....our first date!  (heart)

The boys all flew in to building the legos while I worked on cookies.

Later, it was off to Doug and Lisa's (Steve's niece)

All in all, a nice preview of Christmases to come.  :)

Holiday Greetings

No Christmas Cards this year, folks...nor a newsletter. You've been with me throughout the year on FB, my blog, and via e-mail, so there is no big news you are not aware of. And I can share more love electronically. So have a blessed holiday season all of you! You are in the thoughts and prayers of Lori, Ethan, and Noah. We love you all very much. May the miracle of Christmas stay with you throughout the new year - Emmanuel has come and dwelt among us, has become one of us. What love would leave the glory of Heaven for the confines of Earth? A perfect, unconditional love. Agape love.

Noah the donkey - Hamilton COG program

Ethan sang his heart out this year! HCOG program

Silly brothers - HGOG

Santa Noah

Santa Ethan

Ethan got a speaking part at school this year: Penguin #4 (Ridgeway elementary program)

Penguin #4 mugging for the camera (school program)

people who dress their dogs are a little weird (ahem - Brandon, Carla, Steve...) Here dad poses with Lola who clearly thinks she's people.

the tree at HCOG - the ladies always decorate them so nicely.

Donkey Noah

Ethan wanted to be sure I saw him! LOL!

Back at Niedermans...

The rest of the family festivities conclude this week. More pics will follow!

Thanksgiving images

Noah's daycare did a little play and dinner for parents before Thanksgiving. It was cute - Noah was a pilgrim.

Of course, it wasn't very politically correct...here the pilgrims are celebrating "Indian style" complete with hopping and whooping...

Then all the kids got to say what they were thankful for. Noah was thankful for mommy and his toys. :)

The daycare workers put an entire thanksgiving spread together - it was delicious! I took off for 4th and 5th period so I could join Noah for lunch.

I got to spend a lot of wonderful, quality time with my love over the weekend while the boys were with their dad. Of course, we did a lot of texting... Ah, romance in the 21st century! LOL!

Holiday Train Display

A local family owns a farm and has a train aficionado who has built a barn dedicated almost entirely to his hobby. He used it this year as a fund raiser for Children's Hospital...it was really incredible. The photos don't do it justice.

Leaf fun

Not sure how I missed these pics, but they are so much fun! I came home from school one day to find my boys playing in the leaves Grandpa was desperately trying to blow from the yard...he was finally successful but it took much longer than normal. Especially when mommy jumped out of the car and begin to play along... :)

The Old is New Again...

When I first started dating again, I went back through my blog and pulled out several entries whose topics were more emotional as I went through my journey. My intention was not to "hide" what had happened to me, but God had brought such healing to my heart and unless you had been "on the ride with me" so to speak, I was afraid those moments in time would be misconstrued. That any man I might meet who was interested in getting to know me might read my blog and not understand the timeline of the entries and think that these were snapshots of where I was today. I thought they might think it was still emotional baggage I was hanging on to rather than read it for what it was - a woman dealing with her baggage and moving on.

I went back today and added those posts back. 1)what a testimony of God's grace and my journey. 2)I had more people tell me what a blessing my honesty and transparency was to them as I chronicled. 3)I am comfortable with my relationship with Steve and have shared pretty much everything with him and I know he understands that where I came from over the past 2.5 years has helped make me into the woman he has fallen in love with. So, for any of you who are interested, scroll back through and pick up some of those very raw entries...it may help you to understand the miracle of who I am and where I am right now even better.

And give HIM the glory for it all. Hind sight is always 20/20...but when the pieces are recorded you can see the big picture even more clear. And it is an amazing one that I can take NO credit for - absolutely none. I tried every way I could to screw it up and still Jesus Christ found a way to restore, renew. How DOES He do it? :)

I love Him. more and more and more... What a wonderful husband He has been to me. I hope I don't loose sight of that as I gain another earthly husband. I know I will be a much better wife for Steve if I keep my relationship with Christ as #1.

new title

Friends....for now you will still find my blog at funderburk follies. However, with my upcoming nuptials, I am exploring new possibilities that would not include a last name, seeing as how my last name will be different from my children's. Ugh. Not looking forward to that confusion, but I am looking forward to marrying Steve. For now, I was sitting listening to my ipod and U2's song "Window in the Skies" came on and I started reflecting...Love has truly done some miraculous things in my life and the life of my boys. The love of Christ has allowed me to release hatred and bitterness and actually look back at the last 17 years and cherish the good memories. The love of Christ allows me to walk in forgiveness - toward myself and toward Rob or any other person who has wronged me. The Love of Christ has protected my children and will keep them from becoming statistics. The Love of Christ has healed my heart to love again and brought me Steve, Joe, and Ben. The Love of Christ has restored, renewed, and revived. Oh, can't you see what Love has done? What it's doing to me? That whole song is a wonderful description of what Love has done in my life.

I will keep you all posted if the url address changes. I don't know if I can change that so that I don't loose all the posts, or if I just have to start a new blog... I'll have to contact blogger to find out.

Niederman's Farm (the day Steve asked me to be his bride)

Not a bad "little" family we are all going to make...

A bunch of "posers"... (hee, hee)

Awwww...da widdle soft, fuzzy wabbits

I imagine life is going to feel like this some days with 4 boys in the house together! :)