fallout?

I've been contemplating today. I think I am beginning to recognize one of the scars left on my heart from my divorce. Rejection. I anticipate it. I am a bit hypersensitive to it. I now have a tendency to feel it even when it doesn't really exist. If something negative happens, I tend to wrap it around this theme of rejection.

A good example: I went back to my vocal therapist yesterday. I've been experiencing some anomalies with my voice...tiredness, slight hoarseness (not like before, but a weird glitch or catch in my voice in the upper register/transition notes). I was hoping the verdict would be lack of sleep, too much caffeine, not enough water - things I can control. Instead, I have a sulcus, or scar left from the surgery.

What does this mean? I don't know. It may mean my singing days and theater days are over. This makes me tremendously sad - beyond what I can even express. It may mean I have to learn ways around it. It may be correctable with the right procedure and right doctor. But a lot of that depends on price, etc. Immediately, I feel rejected by God. I feel as if He is taking away a talent and pleasure He blessed me with and I have been careful to use to glorify Him for these many years.

Why do I jump right to rejection? Why, if someone important to me is having a bad day, do I feel rejected? Why, if someone corrects my children or can't handle their energy and needs them to calm down, do I feel rejected? Why, if a friend is not particularly talkative, or doesn't seem interested in meeting me for lunch, do I feel rejected? Why, when my children are rejected for some awkward social behavior,do I feel also rejected? I believe this is fallout from my ordeal that I am going to have to learn some coping mechanisms for.

I guess I knew, deep down, there would be fallout. There would be scars. There would be emotional leftovers that I will deal with for a while. I just hoped it was nothing huge or overwhelming. This feels a little overwhelming for me. I'm not used to being as emotionally crippled as I have for the past almost 3 years. I've always considered myself a rather stable and healthy person who is able to consider the many sides of a circumstance and logically override my feelings - eventually. I bounce back. But this tendency to immediately feel rejected has caught me off guard and I'm not sure what to do about it from here. As they say, recognition is the first step.And the length of time that I have been rehabilitating is hard for me. I'm a destination girl, not a journey girl. Patience is not one of my stronger areas.:)

I do remember a times earlier in my life that I felt rejection really keenly like this. And, of course, usually it was during a time that I was having to deal with Rob's porn and emotional/spiritual betrayal. I also remember pouring my heart out to the Lord and Him telling me "I'm letting you feel this so you can help others who do". In other words, He was letting me know this feeling is not unique to me...most of us feel it. Perhaps my heightened awareness is a message that I need to reach out to others and do more to make sure others do not feel rejected by me.

It is a good reminder...even the most composed, confident, poised, "all together" person around us feels rejected and vulnerable sometimes. We should all remember to pour ourselves out to others as much as we can.