First, I saw a picture of some dear friends of ours. It was the reaction of the children, upon coming home from a play date to find their dad, who had been gone for a while, finally home. It was beautiful. There was such excitement and joy not only in the kids faces, but in the fathers. You could just tell there was no where any of them would rather be than with each other. That triggered a deep longing and sadness in me. THAT is what my children are supposed to be experiencing. THAT is what I'm supposed to have. And there are still times when I don't understand why God would would have allowed that to be taken from us.
And second, I watched Fireproof. I probably shouldn't have. In that movie, the man decided that he loved his wife more than the porn - and did what was necessary to guard his heart, rather than just saying "God made me this way so I might as well enjoy it..." (what a weak and cowardly stance to take). He stopped blaming God, his wife, his mom and everyone else, stopped building himself up to be "a good person" and took responsibility for his junk. Then did something about it.
I do take comfort in this thought...the boys and I probably never had the dad in that picture to start with. And I probably never had the husband who loved me above himself to start with. Not really. It was a sham. Like the holodeck on Star Trek - so real. Interactive. But a complete fantasy. Me and the children were real. He was a poser. A fake. And I have to have hope that, because I was real, because I was faithful, that Ethan, Noah and I will experience the real...especially now that there is room for it with the removal of the fake.
My loneliness sometimes has a way of refracting the light a bit to make the lies seem like they could be truth. Like the lie that Rob may somehow be completely normal. That living with casual sexuality and abandoning your family vows and responsibilities can somehow be "OK". That Rob is a "decent guy" apart from this - that his character can be compartmentalized. I'm smart enough, during these times, to reach out and not rely on my own feelings - for feelings are deceptive. A dear friend encouraged me with this:
Why would your desire subside if you've been feeding it and growing it? That doesn't make sense. It totally makes sense that it would GROW the more you feed it. Do you know the story, "How to kill a wolf?" Eskimos put a little bit of blood on a sharp knife out in the snow. A wolf is attracted to the smell of the blood and begins to lick it. As the wolf does this, he cuts his own tongue and starts to bleed more which creates more of a blood lust in the wolf. The wolf eventually dies from his own bleeding, and he never knows it. Obviously, this is metaphor for our sin -- especially our lusts and desires. Your desire will not subside by giving in to it. That's a lie. Rob is lying if he says this is true. I KNOW this is not true. Maybe he gets bored with it for a while, but then it just takes more and different things to "fill" his empty place. THIS is why he, you and anyone else would fall prey to pornography. TO FILL AN EMPTY PLACE. The TRUTH though is that it only makes the empty place bigger.
I have to not give up - I have to keep seeking Jesus Christ as my filler for that empty place and stop entertaining the idea that Rob has actually found a way to fill it apart from Christ. My children will learn how to fill their empty place through me. Some days I feel like David, who with the strength of the Lord, slew the giant. Other days I feel like Gideon hiding in the wine press, wondering why in the world would an angel refer to me as "mighty warrior"? Why can I see the folly of the Israelites, who doubted God shortly after witnessing miracles, but I cannot see my own folly (that does the same thing) in time to stop it - or put an end to it altogether.
I've heard that Mother Teresa began her life's work based on ONE revelation from God when she was a young girl. Imagine that. She never wavered even though she never heard from Christ in that way ever again. She died doing the last thing she was commanded to do. She got her orders and set to them, and she assumed she was to continue until she heard "stop". Yet here I seek a new, fresh revelation daily, and if I don't get it, I doubt the original one. What a poor soldier I make.
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