another step...

I almost don't want to say it for fear of "jinxing" myself (of course I don't believe in that - just an expression) but since this blog serves not only as a "news channel" for those of you keeping tabs on me from afar and my own personal journal/memory maker, I have to make notes as they come...for my own sake. Just as the Israelites created monuments, feasts, and markers to identify places, times, and events that they needed to remember as part of their own journeys, this serves as my reminder. It's therapeutic, but also helps me speak to my soul when it is down - and it is good to remind ourselves of the places we have come from so we can have hope for the places to where we are going.

So here it is. I think that for the last week or so, I've actually crossed some line, some threshold. I've been able to say "I forgive"...and actually feel in my heart that I mean it. I actually feel as if I'm moving forward rather than spinning my wheels. It's hard to explain what has happened or how it is different...it just "is". I still feel pain and regret. I still feel the sting of loss. But it's not so overpowering and I don't feel this deep need to "make him pay" right now. THAT, my friends, is huge. I cannot tell you how frightened I was at my own thoughts and motives at times. How hopeless I felt - like I'd never escape the bitterness, anger, vindictiveness, unforgiveness that threatened to consume me. And I fully acknowledge with humble gratitude, that this change has not come about by any action on my part other than lying before my creator, broken, and crying out for Him to save me from myself. It is through His strength that I am here, and my own weakness. I could not do it. Still can't. Any forgiveness towards him comes from Christ in me, for the carnal side of Lori still wants justice - wants him to hurt as much as he hurt me.

I'm trying to be realistic - most likely I won't stay here. I'm sure I'll be back in the mud wrestling with it all again. most likely I will have to wake up one morning and CHOOSE to forgive him - even though I don't feel it. But while I do feel it, I want to record it to remember...

So, thank you, dear Jesus. Friend, comforter, provider, protector, defender, peace maker. Thank you redeemer, husband, king. Thank you Emmanuel, God with ME and El-Shaddai, God Almighty and all-sufficient.

Your grace is enough...

Theater

This should probably go under one of my favorites, but I just have to say...

I am REALLY enjoying getting back involved in theater again. Working as the high school Tech director is stoking that flame that I allowed to die down some. It was being fanned some at Real Life Church and that is one thing I was really bummed about when making my decision to move to Ohio. Now, I'm learning a lot more about the sound and lights, and enjoying the energy of the high school students. Plus this experience is solidifying something I kinda figured in college - tech crew folks are a lot of fun! Not nearly as much drama or as many divas back in the booth as there are on the stage! ;) I'm starting to inquire about possibilities at my new church, and once I have my vocal surgery and get recovered, I want to start looking into community theater and opportunities around the Cincy area.

Why did I pull back from this activity that I enjoy so very much? Oh, right. I did it because I thought my theater involvement was taking too much time and attention away from my husband and I wanted to be a loyal wife and concentrate on our relationship and marriage...

I'm going to try really hard to believe I didn't waste my efforts. From my end, it taught me love that is sacrificial, that is unconditional, that is more interested in the other person than in yourself. So that wasn't wasted, I suppose. I'm a better woman for it. Can't help that the recipient wasted it for himself. Guess that's what "unconditional" really means, huh?

My children are going to enjoy growing up "in the theater" I think. Noah was quite a hit with the older kids when I took him along the other day. I'm taking them to see our production of "Really Rosie" on Sunday. I'll let you know how it goes!

Fav's entry #4

I know, I know. It's outrageously expensive. It's ridiculously full of fat and calories (at least the ones I drink are). But I feel like its a special treat when I get my Starbucks coffee. Or Caribou.

Maybe it's a special treat because I mostly drink Folger's with some fancy-schmancy creamer in it. (sigh) Just not the same.

The Governor's education plan...

maybe he should rethink funding an additional 20 days of school, and use the money to buy some plows so we can make use of the current days we have.

Total calamity days used: 9
Total allowed:5

So we have to make up 4 days, and it's only the beginning of February. It took me 2 hours to get home yesterday. Normally is a 20 minute drive in all. The snow had stopped by 10PM! They could not get the streets cleared enough from 10 pM until 6 this morning so that we could have school.

At this rate, I'm going to be teaching right into July... ugh.