another step...

I almost don't want to say it for fear of "jinxing" myself (of course I don't believe in that - just an expression) but since this blog serves not only as a "news channel" for those of you keeping tabs on me from afar and my own personal journal/memory maker, I have to make notes as they come...for my own sake. Just as the Israelites created monuments, feasts, and markers to identify places, times, and events that they needed to remember as part of their own journeys, this serves as my reminder. It's therapeutic, but also helps me speak to my soul when it is down - and it is good to remind ourselves of the places we have come from so we can have hope for the places to where we are going.

So here it is. I think that for the last week or so, I've actually crossed some line, some threshold. I've been able to say "I forgive"...and actually feel in my heart that I mean it. I actually feel as if I'm moving forward rather than spinning my wheels. It's hard to explain what has happened or how it is different...it just "is". I still feel pain and regret. I still feel the sting of loss. But it's not so overpowering and I don't feel this deep need to "make him pay" right now. THAT, my friends, is huge. I cannot tell you how frightened I was at my own thoughts and motives at times. How hopeless I felt - like I'd never escape the bitterness, anger, vindictiveness, unforgiveness that threatened to consume me. And I fully acknowledge with humble gratitude, that this change has not come about by any action on my part other than lying before my creator, broken, and crying out for Him to save me from myself. It is through His strength that I am here, and my own weakness. I could not do it. Still can't. Any forgiveness towards him comes from Christ in me, for the carnal side of Lori still wants justice - wants him to hurt as much as he hurt me.

I'm trying to be realistic - most likely I won't stay here. I'm sure I'll be back in the mud wrestling with it all again. most likely I will have to wake up one morning and CHOOSE to forgive him - even though I don't feel it. But while I do feel it, I want to record it to remember...

So, thank you, dear Jesus. Friend, comforter, provider, protector, defender, peace maker. Thank you redeemer, husband, king. Thank you Emmanuel, God with ME and El-Shaddai, God Almighty and all-sufficient.

Your grace is enough...