At first, I resisted. After being married 17 years and not intending to ever NOT be married, it's a scary prospect. But the Lord is truly separating me from all of this. It is reminiscent of college before I had my personal conversion. I remember the Lord bringing me to a state of "loneliness" - not the kind where you have no friends or companionship, but the kind where you are keenly aware that it's just you and God. And that's really all that you need. I'm getting back to that place as God reveals to me his name: Jehovah Quanna. Jealous. Jealous for me. I am being courted and pursued by my savior - the lover of my soul. And I must say it feels very good. The love letters He has sent me these past 2 weeks have just taken my breath away! The gifts and tokens of affection He has offered make me swoon. I am amazed by God. It makes me want Him more and more.
Ethan has been expressing some rather odd behavior for him. He's becoming a bit more clingy and expressing fear at a lot of different things, yet nothing specific. He's expressed worry at my dying for one. I'm sure it stems from the abandonment by his father, but I'm praying that God will reveal himself to my sons as Abba - "daddy", so that they will not even need their earthly dad. Jesus loves my kids, too. His grace is sufficient. Please pray for my boys.
I'll mention this latest "gift". I recognized it as a gift from God right away because of how it happened and the timing. I had been talking to God earlier about even though I'm learning to be satisfied in and through Him for all things, I do miss feeling attractive and feminine to the opposite sex. I miss having a man come home and put his arms around me and kiss my neck while I'm making supper. Or invite me to sit and cuddle on the couch. Or look at me with that "I'm really interested in you" kind of glance. So yesterday, I'm on my way home from church. I'm driving a minivan (nothing screams "mom" like a minivan). This car goes to pass me on the highway. It just passes and slows down, getting even with me. Naturally I glace over and this pretty cute guy is checking me out! :) So, I smile and nod, then he slows down and gets behind me as I am exiting onto a different road. I have to admit - I was a bit nervous at first...what if this guy is some psycho who's gonna follow me home? Instead, he got up beside me again just as he was about to exit for good, waved, blew me a kiss and smiled. I think I smiled and giggled the rest of the drive home.
And who says God is not interested in our minutia?
Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
"Diet"
40 lbs and counting.... :)
I don't recommend my diet plan, but MAN am I looking HOT! (hee-hee)
It does propose one small problem - finding the dough to buy new clothes - not because you WANT them, but because you NEED them! My "skinnier" jeans are starting to fall off of me (yippee)!
I don't recommend my diet plan, but MAN am I looking HOT! (hee-hee)
It does propose one small problem - finding the dough to buy new clothes - not because you WANT them, but because you NEED them! My "skinnier" jeans are starting to fall off of me (yippee)!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Pursuing Freedom
As part of my healing journey, the Lord has put me in contact with a pastor that is helping me to identify bondage's in my own life that have been put there by wrong thinking and misunderstanding on my own part. I'm seeing that all of us are guilty of the exact same sin - and it started with Eve. Here was a person created IN THE IMAGE OF GOD to reflect HIS glory. Eve enjoyed the only pure relationship ever known - that of unconditional love from the source of love - God. She and Adam were able to explore the depths and richness of their own relationship because they were secure in their relationship with God. There was no worries about what I look like, how I perform, what I do for the other person - their own lovability, acceptance, esteem was not wrapped up in each other - it flowed from the pure relationship with their creator as they were a reflection of HIM, and therefore "worthy". No thought was even given to what the other human thought about them. Who cares?
But, once Eve believed the lie (God's love IS conditional - he's holding out on you. He doesn't have your best interest at heart...)then her wrong judgement was that she had the power within herself to take hold of that which would satisfy and make her "worthy". Suddenly the pure, unconditional relationship she shared with God and with Adam became tainted with performance based acceptance. And now that is where we have been stuck ever since. We all believe we are the "masters of our own destiny". We've forgotten what it truly means to surrender and trust and rely on God as our source for ALL. Not just to meet our monetary needs - but our source of peace, companionship, love, acceptance...all of those things we so desperately search for in other people - and will NEVER find. We will be nothing but disappointed and hurt over and over again because man's love is conditional. Why do we pursue so hard after that which has no ability to satisfy? Why do we run after the very thing that will hurt and disappoint us most, yet turn our backs on that living water that will quench our thirst permanently? Why was I trying so hard to "win back" the love of a man who has shown me such unkindness, betrayal, pain, disappointment, disregard and ignored the love of the only One who has NEVER disappointed, been faithless, caused me pain, betrayed or disregarded me? The only One who has loved me unconditionally - that He would die for me even before I acknowledged Him as Lord and friend.
Truth is - God did not, nor does not withhold his best from us ever - at least not those of us who are serving and living for Him. He always has our best interest in mind - whether we understand it fully or not. We do not have to clutch and flail and reach so desperately to try take hold of something to give us worth - to make us feel loved and accepted and important and fulfilled and satisfied...whe already have it. We just can't accept it because of the lies we believe and the wrong judgments it leads us to. And if we can't accept it from God, then we're not gonna find it anywhere else. Only God can fill that hole.
People can come and go in my life. My worth (nor that of my sons) is not and will not be affected - because my worth is found in Christ. I don't have to settle for anything because God has His best in store for me and my sons.
A friend of mine put it to me this way - "Lori, you may be a victim of all this, but I suspect you are further down the list than you realize. Rob first did this to God. Then to himself." As David repented for the whole ordeal with Bathsheba "Against you and you alone, O God, have I sinned" even after taking Bathsheba and murdering her husband and betraying the entire nation of Israel. David's sin was not lusting, adultery, murder, betrayal. Those were all symptoms of the root. It was pride. It was thinking that God was withholding His best from David, so therefore David will reach out with his own hands to take hold of "fulfillment" rather than finding it in Yahweh. He believed he could actually find anything apart from God to fill that need of "I'm worthy, lovable, accepted" and that he had the ability to capture it through his own striving and abilities. The branch cannot bear fruit of it's own efforts - it MUST be grafted into the vine/trunk. It's only from the sap flowing from the vine into the branch, can the branch produce. Without that sap, the branch will only wither and die. It cannot even sustain itself, let alone produce anything of value.
Understanding this is the key to gaining freedom. Surrender is freedom. Letting go of all the wrong judgments and lofty ideas that we can do anything to make us worthy of anything is liberation. Letting go of the idea that our performance is tied to our worthiness. That we can earn grace and love and mercy. It is there and it is free and it is unconditional. Letting go of the idea that man's opinion matters in the least - and accepting that we reflect the Glory of the Almighty. And that is ENOUGH. Only once we understand these things can we truly be free to love others unconditionally and accept love unconditionally.
Apart from Christ we are nothing. But IN Christ - we are the reflection of divinity. We are fulfilled, satisfied - living as we were meant and created to live. And we have freedom to experience life and relationships free from fear, lies, deception.
I was trying to get my approval and acceptance and worth through Rob. And now I realize how much I was missing out on. Even though my attempts were through a "proper" and right relationship, they were still MY attempts to fill that hole with the wrong thing. And God, in His mercy - seeing my heart was pure in it's search, is setting me free and releasing me from the law of sin and death. And I will be able to teach my sons how to not even accept that root and those wrong judgements so they will hopefully never fight this battle. I believe my sons will not suffer any consequences from the moral failing of their father as long as I continue to seek God and get a healthy mind, heart, and soul myself. This is not the end. My path will lead to God's best. Unfortunately for him, Rob's path will lead to man's worst. I will miss him.
But, once Eve believed the lie (God's love IS conditional - he's holding out on you. He doesn't have your best interest at heart...)then her wrong judgement was that she had the power within herself to take hold of that which would satisfy and make her "worthy". Suddenly the pure, unconditional relationship she shared with God and with Adam became tainted with performance based acceptance. And now that is where we have been stuck ever since. We all believe we are the "masters of our own destiny". We've forgotten what it truly means to surrender and trust and rely on God as our source for ALL. Not just to meet our monetary needs - but our source of peace, companionship, love, acceptance...all of those things we so desperately search for in other people - and will NEVER find. We will be nothing but disappointed and hurt over and over again because man's love is conditional. Why do we pursue so hard after that which has no ability to satisfy? Why do we run after the very thing that will hurt and disappoint us most, yet turn our backs on that living water that will quench our thirst permanently? Why was I trying so hard to "win back" the love of a man who has shown me such unkindness, betrayal, pain, disappointment, disregard and ignored the love of the only One who has NEVER disappointed, been faithless, caused me pain, betrayed or disregarded me? The only One who has loved me unconditionally - that He would die for me even before I acknowledged Him as Lord and friend.
Truth is - God did not, nor does not withhold his best from us ever - at least not those of us who are serving and living for Him. He always has our best interest in mind - whether we understand it fully or not. We do not have to clutch and flail and reach so desperately to try take hold of something to give us worth - to make us feel loved and accepted and important and fulfilled and satisfied...whe already have it. We just can't accept it because of the lies we believe and the wrong judgments it leads us to. And if we can't accept it from God, then we're not gonna find it anywhere else. Only God can fill that hole.
People can come and go in my life. My worth (nor that of my sons) is not and will not be affected - because my worth is found in Christ. I don't have to settle for anything because God has His best in store for me and my sons.
A friend of mine put it to me this way - "Lori, you may be a victim of all this, but I suspect you are further down the list than you realize. Rob first did this to God. Then to himself." As David repented for the whole ordeal with Bathsheba "Against you and you alone, O God, have I sinned" even after taking Bathsheba and murdering her husband and betraying the entire nation of Israel. David's sin was not lusting, adultery, murder, betrayal. Those were all symptoms of the root. It was pride. It was thinking that God was withholding His best from David, so therefore David will reach out with his own hands to take hold of "fulfillment" rather than finding it in Yahweh. He believed he could actually find anything apart from God to fill that need of "I'm worthy, lovable, accepted" and that he had the ability to capture it through his own striving and abilities. The branch cannot bear fruit of it's own efforts - it MUST be grafted into the vine/trunk. It's only from the sap flowing from the vine into the branch, can the branch produce. Without that sap, the branch will only wither and die. It cannot even sustain itself, let alone produce anything of value.
Understanding this is the key to gaining freedom. Surrender is freedom. Letting go of all the wrong judgments and lofty ideas that we can do anything to make us worthy of anything is liberation. Letting go of the idea that our performance is tied to our worthiness. That we can earn grace and love and mercy. It is there and it is free and it is unconditional. Letting go of the idea that man's opinion matters in the least - and accepting that we reflect the Glory of the Almighty. And that is ENOUGH. Only once we understand these things can we truly be free to love others unconditionally and accept love unconditionally.
Apart from Christ we are nothing. But IN Christ - we are the reflection of divinity. We are fulfilled, satisfied - living as we were meant and created to live. And we have freedom to experience life and relationships free from fear, lies, deception.
I was trying to get my approval and acceptance and worth through Rob. And now I realize how much I was missing out on. Even though my attempts were through a "proper" and right relationship, they were still MY attempts to fill that hole with the wrong thing. And God, in His mercy - seeing my heart was pure in it's search, is setting me free and releasing me from the law of sin and death. And I will be able to teach my sons how to not even accept that root and those wrong judgements so they will hopefully never fight this battle. I believe my sons will not suffer any consequences from the moral failing of their father as long as I continue to seek God and get a healthy mind, heart, and soul myself. This is not the end. My path will lead to God's best. Unfortunately for him, Rob's path will lead to man's worst. I will miss him.
Ethan's first day of school
Got my Cars lunchbox and my Spiderman backpack. I'm set!
Ethan's cubby
Ethan was very excited to get a name badge and his very own special seat!
This is his teacher Mrs. Rollerson reading a story to them as we all said goodbye. Ethan did fine, I did fine. It was Noah who cried - he didn't want to go and didn't want to leave bubby.I'm terribly sorry that this is sideways - I used my camera to shoot the video and didn't think about the fact that you can't "rotate" a video image like you can a picture. Just wanted to capture the moment live...
Just a fun day with my kids...
culminating in a spontaneous picnic at Moore Lake.
Ethan made a new friend who was willing to give him rides on his "motorcycle".
Noah loves to play in the pirate ship.
While Ethan was riding around with his new friend, Noah and I enjoyed one of the last days warm enough to remove your sandals and stick your feet in the water.
Then we all enjoyed one of the best simple pleasures of summer - hurling rocks into water. Yep, poppie...I can still skip 'em just like you taught me! :)
Saturday, September 1, 2007
MN State Fair 2007
I know it's basically the same thing every year, but I love it, I love it, I love it! Who can resist the State Fair? The smelly animals, the shameless consumerism, the greasy food, the nauseating rides, the sore feet, the frustrating crowds...and the laughter and memories. The excitment in your children's eyes. The comfort of sharing a tradition.
This year we got to see a calf being born! Ethan's reaction was "Mommy, that's kind of gross." Yes. Yes it is. And strangely beautiful. I can do without the vets strapping on gloves up to their shoulders then sticking their entire arms up the animals vagina to assist...but otherwise it's an amazing moment to see a new creation being brought into this world. It brought me back to the first moments I laid eyes on my two beautiful boys - I cried when I finally got the privilege of seeing the faces of these people who had been doing flip flops in my uterus for months. It's a magical moment.
Noah got to ride the rides this year. He's my daredevil. He doesn't even stop to consider that he might not like it or it might be scary - that is not even a concept to him. Ethan even tried a roller coaster this year...and LOVED it! I thought sure we were gonna have to change his pants he was laughing so hard!
Of course the favorite of my boys is machinery hill. Honestly, I think if I didn't buy a single ride ticket and just let them play on the lawn mowers and tractors all day, they'd be perfectly content.
All in all - a fun day at the fair! The Funderburk family tradition continues...can't wait until NEXT year! :) Some of you should really consider joining us - you are always welcome to stay in my home when you visit! I'm STILL waiting for the promised visit from my cousin Angie and my brother Brandon.....(looks at watch....drums fingers on table....) :)
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