Pursuing Freedom

As part of my healing journey, the Lord has put me in contact with a pastor that is helping me to identify bondage's in my own life that have been put there by wrong thinking and misunderstanding on my own part. I'm seeing that all of us are guilty of the exact same sin - and it started with Eve. Here was a person created IN THE IMAGE OF GOD to reflect HIS glory. Eve enjoyed the only pure relationship ever known - that of unconditional love from the source of love - God. She and Adam were able to explore the depths and richness of their own relationship because they were secure in their relationship with God. There was no worries about what I look like, how I perform, what I do for the other person - their own lovability, acceptance, esteem was not wrapped up in each other - it flowed from the pure relationship with their creator as they were a reflection of HIM, and therefore "worthy". No thought was even given to what the other human thought about them. Who cares?

But, once Eve believed the lie (God's love IS conditional - he's holding out on you. He doesn't have your best interest at heart...)then her wrong judgement was that she had the power within herself to take hold of that which would satisfy and make her "worthy". Suddenly the pure, unconditional relationship she shared with God and with Adam became tainted with performance based acceptance. And now that is where we have been stuck ever since. We all believe we are the "masters of our own destiny". We've forgotten what it truly means to surrender and trust and rely on God as our source for ALL. Not just to meet our monetary needs - but our source of peace, companionship, love, acceptance...all of those things we so desperately search for in other people - and will NEVER find. We will be nothing but disappointed and hurt over and over again because man's love is conditional. Why do we pursue so hard after that which has no ability to satisfy? Why do we run after the very thing that will hurt and disappoint us most, yet turn our backs on that living water that will quench our thirst permanently? Why was I trying so hard to "win back" the love of a man who has shown me such unkindness, betrayal, pain, disappointment, disregard and ignored the love of the only One who has NEVER disappointed, been faithless, caused me pain, betrayed or disregarded me? The only One who has loved me unconditionally - that He would die for me even before I acknowledged Him as Lord and friend.

Truth is - God did not, nor does not withhold his best from us ever - at least not those of us who are serving and living for Him. He always has our best interest in mind - whether we understand it fully or not. We do not have to clutch and flail and reach so desperately to try take hold of something to give us worth - to make us feel loved and accepted and important and fulfilled and satisfied...whe already have it. We just can't accept it because of the lies we believe and the wrong judgments it leads us to. And if we can't accept it from God, then we're not gonna find it anywhere else. Only God can fill that hole.

People can come and go in my life. My worth (nor that of my sons) is not and will not be affected - because my worth is found in Christ. I don't have to settle for anything because God has His best in store for me and my sons.

A friend of mine put it to me this way - "Lori, you may be a victim of all this, but I suspect you are further down the list than you realize. Rob first did this to God. Then to himself." As David repented for the whole ordeal with Bathsheba "Against you and you alone, O God, have I sinned" even after taking Bathsheba and murdering her husband and betraying the entire nation of Israel. David's sin was not lusting, adultery, murder, betrayal. Those were all symptoms of the root. It was pride. It was thinking that God was withholding His best from David, so therefore David will reach out with his own hands to take hold of "fulfillment" rather than finding it in Yahweh. He believed he could actually find anything apart from God to fill that need of "I'm worthy, lovable, accepted" and that he had the ability to capture it through his own striving and abilities. The branch cannot bear fruit of it's own efforts - it MUST be grafted into the vine/trunk. It's only from the sap flowing from the vine into the branch, can the branch produce. Without that sap, the branch will only wither and die. It cannot even sustain itself, let alone produce anything of value.

Understanding this is the key to gaining freedom. Surrender is freedom. Letting go of all the wrong judgments and lofty ideas that we can do anything to make us worthy of anything is liberation. Letting go of the idea that our performance is tied to our worthiness. That we can earn grace and love and mercy. It is there and it is free and it is unconditional. Letting go of the idea that man's opinion matters in the least - and accepting that we reflect the Glory of the Almighty. And that is ENOUGH. Only once we understand these things can we truly be free to love others unconditionally and accept love unconditionally.

Apart from Christ we are nothing. But IN Christ - we are the reflection of divinity. We are fulfilled, satisfied - living as we were meant and created to live. And we have freedom to experience life and relationships free from fear, lies, deception.

I was trying to get my approval and acceptance and worth through Rob. And now I realize how much I was missing out on. Even though my attempts were through a "proper" and right relationship, they were still MY attempts to fill that hole with the wrong thing. And God, in His mercy - seeing my heart was pure in it's search, is setting me free and releasing me from the law of sin and death. And I will be able to teach my sons how to not even accept that root and those wrong judgements so they will hopefully never fight this battle. I believe my sons will not suffer any consequences from the moral failing of their father as long as I continue to seek God and get a healthy mind, heart, and soul myself. This is not the end. My path will lead to God's best. Unfortunately for him, Rob's path will lead to man's worst. I will miss him.