At first, I resisted. After being married 17 years and not intending to ever NOT be married, it's a scary prospect. But the Lord is truly separating me from all of this. It is reminiscent of college before I had my personal conversion. I remember the Lord bringing me to a state of "loneliness" - not the kind where you have no friends or companionship, but the kind where you are keenly aware that it's just you and God. And that's really all that you need. I'm getting back to that place as God reveals to me his name: Jehovah Quanna. Jealous. Jealous for me. I am being courted and pursued by my savior - the lover of my soul. And I must say it feels very good. The love letters He has sent me these past 2 weeks have just taken my breath away! The gifts and tokens of affection He has offered make me swoon. I am amazed by God. It makes me want Him more and more.
Ethan has been expressing some rather odd behavior for him. He's becoming a bit more clingy and expressing fear at a lot of different things, yet nothing specific. He's expressed worry at my dying for one. I'm sure it stems from the abandonment by his father, but I'm praying that God will reveal himself to my sons as Abba - "daddy", so that they will not even need their earthly dad. Jesus loves my kids, too. His grace is sufficient. Please pray for my boys.
I'll mention this latest "gift". I recognized it as a gift from God right away because of how it happened and the timing. I had been talking to God earlier about even though I'm learning to be satisfied in and through Him for all things, I do miss feeling attractive and feminine to the opposite sex. I miss having a man come home and put his arms around me and kiss my neck while I'm making supper. Or invite me to sit and cuddle on the couch. Or look at me with that "I'm really interested in you" kind of glance. So yesterday, I'm on my way home from church. I'm driving a minivan (nothing screams "mom" like a minivan). This car goes to pass me on the highway. It just passes and slows down, getting even with me. Naturally I glace over and this pretty cute guy is checking me out! :) So, I smile and nod, then he slows down and gets behind me as I am exiting onto a different road. I have to admit - I was a bit nervous at first...what if this guy is some psycho who's gonna follow me home? Instead, he got up beside me again just as he was about to exit for good, waved, blew me a kiss and smiled. I think I smiled and giggled the rest of the drive home.
And who says God is not interested in our minutia?
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