Be the Eagle

This is the theme from Ethan's school this year. He has told me "mommy, did you know
Eagles can fly above a rain storm?" and "Eagles can see really good".

My pastor did a sermon series a couple of months back called "Wings". He spoke of us hiding under God's wings, riding on top of God's wings, extending our own wings to soar and to protect others.

Yesterday, I was praying and feeling very blue, missing the Rob I knew and feeling rather anxious at the legal fight ahead of me. I THOUGHT I kept hearing God bring me back to 2 things I THINK He's been telling me (I'm hesitant to credit God because over the last 8 months there have been many times when what I thought was the voice of God seems to have turned out to be my own voice, or possibly even the enemy preying on my emotions...I hope I'm not the only one out there who has some trouble telling the difference sometimes. Guess I'm not always a very good sheep, huh?) The two things: 1)WAIT, Lori...you have done all you can now stand still and know that I am God and 2)soar above this with me...get your eyes on me and not Rob or the circumstance.

Have I been listening? Apparently not very well because yesterday I'm driving home and what do I see swooping in and out of traffic on Snelling Ave. in the middle of commercial property no where near a river? A large, adult, bald eagle. I've been here 12 years and have never seen that. And it flew off once my car passed. I still almost missed it until this verse popped in my head "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles...". Once the fact that the Omnipotent Creator of all the Universe took a moment to send me an eagle to remind me of His presence, I wept all the way home.

So the more I allow the Lord to heal my heart here, and the more freedom I find as I let go of my wrong judgments and really learn to trust the Lord completely, the more my spirit is open to seeing and hearing what He is saying and has apparently been saying since the beginning of this mess: rest in me, Lori. Stop trying to control the situation. Let ME be your strength. Let me be your defender. Vengence is mine, not yours. Your job is simply to abide in me and allow me to abide in you. Your job is to LET ME. Let me heal you. Let me transform you. Let me fix what is wrong in you - and release the rest. You can't fix it anyway.

And he's been showing me, speaking to me through so many channels, but I've not been tuned in to hear them. Oh, I've been able to recognize the biggies: $5000 of free car repairs, abundant blessings for Christmas from numerous sources for myself and my boys, a job making $8000 more than I had even dared hope for. But I was missing those whispers of "I'm still here. You are carved into my hand. I'm still in control of YOU and your children because you are in covenant with me...and I'm certainly able to influence secular minds and systems to ensure MY will is done for those who belong to me." Those whispers through my son relaying his school theme. The whispers through a sermon series. And now even sending an eagle...just for me. Coincidence? I think not.

It makes me hunger and thirst for more. It makes me desperate to know Him more intimately than ever. It makes the world fade away and become less important or scary. If the Lord is my stronghold and my salvation...whom shall I fear? What can man do to me?

Every day I am learning a bit more to agree with the writer of that hymn...yes, tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...Oh, for grace to trust Him more. I'm learning to be content and at peace - to know that I may be pressed, but not crushed. Persecuted but not abandoned. Struck down, but not destroyed. And though I may get rattled at first, I'm finding it easier to take a deep breath, hit my knees and cast it upon Him.

I shall not be moved.

Smart Boards....

Are possibly THE coolest thing ever! My new job is at a Technology Magnet School in St. Paul. Every teacher has their own iBook and a SmartBoard in their rooms. If I have a kid who has is learning disabled for writing and I'm supposed to provide him/her copies of my notes, anything I write on the board can be printed off immediately with the touch of a button. I can integrate charts, graphs or images directly off the internet because we are also wired and wireless. It's AWESOME!!! Everything written on the board or typed can be manipulated by hand directly on the board...for instance: I had the students divide their paper into 2 columns, label one side "rotation" and the other side "revolution" (I did the same on the board). Then I wrote several words that had to do with each such as "axis", "orbit", "365", "24", "year", "day", etc. and asked the kids to write each word in the correct column. Afterwards, we checked it together and all I had to do was touch each word on the board and drag it under the column I had drawn. The print off a copy for my IEP students - we are talking FREAKIN' GREAT!!!!

Of course, I still use the overhead sometimes because my staff computer hasn't gotten the software for the scanner installed yet and I'm not re-typing all my stuff. The kids call me "old school" when I use it. Can you imagine? Now where's my chalk....? ;)

new job

I started working this week for the St. Paul school district. I'm enjoying being back in the classroom, but it is very tiring and I miss my kids.

Starting to see some concessions from Rob. He's willing to give me sole religious upbringing responsibility. Still wants to be in on the decisions for education...I'm working on that. Please pray that he'll let that go. Still pray about Ohio, too. I want to move closer to family.

He's experiencing a lot of humilation when it comes to work - he just can't seem to get hired anywhere. And yet he still refuses to acknowledge the spiritual side of it..."God opposes the proud". It makes it harder on me in some ways - I cannot rely on Rob for anything financially and as long as he's not working, he gets the boys on Wednesday's all day. But, it might make it easier for me to go to Ohio if there is nothing holding either of us here and a judge sees he cannot support us if we stay.

While I am finally feeling like I'm getting past the extreme emotional pendulum I've been on, there are times it still seems like a bad dream. But now, not so much a bad dream for me...I simply cannot believe he would choose to do to himself what he is doing. I had more faith in him than that. I knew him as wiser. The people he's cavorting with...what are they searching for? The very things he had. Meaning. Purpose. Love. Family. Friendship. Validation. God. He's thrown away more in 8 months than most people get in their life times. For what? A thrill. A momentary, meaningless, high. That's it.

Ethan started riding the school bus to school last week. He was a bit apprehensive at first, but absolutely loved it! Unfortunately, my camera wouldn't work on that first moment, so I didn't get it recorded. Sigh. I had conferences with his teacher this last week, too. He's doing GREAT in school and the teacher says he's ready to read! He's even doing inventive spelling - where he tries to spell out the word with at least the beginning, middle, and end sounds. He's made such amazing progress this year - and matured a lot. Still need to work on strengthening his hand muscles to improve his writing ability, but that will come.

Noah is getting funnier every day. He is becoming a mimic. And he loves to dance and sing - even make up songs! Now if I could just get him to go on that potty!

A Quick "Ethanism"

I just have to share this. We went to see "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" today and of course Ethan came home wanting nothing more than to play pirates with me and their new pirate ship play set they got for Christmas. Within minutes, the pirates were joined by Transformers and Lego space ships and were engaged in a desperate game of "steal the treasure". Back and forth we went, foiling one another and taking the treasure back to our secret lairs. One ploy I attempted was to "disguise" my pirate and try to become part of Ethan's crew to steal the treasure back. He told me he already had 4 men and there was no room. So I asked if I could go into his lair to use the bathroom thinking I'd take it that way. He exclaims he doesn't have a bathroom - it's just a cave. So I ask if I could have a drink...where does he keep the root beer? "Well, we don't really have any furniture or a refrigerator or nothing yet. We ordered it all on line on our computer, but it hasn't been delivered yet."

No bathroom or fridge, but apparently WIFI has now become a part of pirate lore and a staple amenity in caves world-wide. ;)

Today I learned

to appreciate the ringing ears that comes from the laughter and screams of 2 brothers playing and becoming friends. What a lovely sound! Honestly - I had to make a decision to appreciate it mind you, because at first it was irritating. But the more I thought about what that sound meant, the more thankful I became for my ringing ears.

Course, this DOES mean that I fully expect some compensation from both of them when I'm old and feeble and need hearing aids... :)

I'm also learning that other stuff really doesn't get done any slower if I take a break and play more. I think I was a bit more productive today in every area. That is a very good thing. We played Topple, Hi-Ho Cherry-O!, built a race track, made a blanket fort, and built a railway and played trains. And I still managed to do some dishes, laundry, take down all the Christmas decor AND put it back in the garage, shovel, make a quick trip to the grocery store, "cook" 3 meals (one was PB&J but still homemade!) give baths, talk to my mom on the phone for over an hour, check e-mail, take care of some business AND have a bit of worship and prayer time today! Phew! Who knew?

I think this is the "Fly System" (Flylady.com) kicking back in. I must be getting better! :)
Tonight I will reward myself with a candle-lit movie night. Maybe even a bubbly bath. AHHHHH...

Oh, tomorrow I get to sing on the worship team - last minute call around 8:30 tonight. I also may be singing the National Anthem at a few U of M Gopher Hockey games coming up! I'm excited! I will keep you posted.

One more quick praise - God worked out my child care so unbelievably. I knew He would, but this is even better than I thought. Not only is the woman a Christian and someone I know, but she lives in the district of my son's school, and he will get to ride the school bus to his school. He is sooooo excited! It also means I don't have to pay the extra for the before school care and drop him off and hour and 15 minutes before his school even starts...he didn't like it too much - it was boring for him and made him very tired by the end of the day. The provider will also take him to school and pick him up on days the bus doesn't run. So now, I have ONE location to take BOTH my boys and it's right on my way to work and I don't have to worry about Ethan's transportation to and from school, the mornings will be a bit more leisurely and a bit later and they won't have to eat cereal bars in the car every morning!

OK - gonna go have my "me" time now.

The good news is...

that right feelings do indeed follow right choices, right attitudes, right "confessions"- eventually. I feel a tide turning in my heart, mind and spirit of late. And I want to give glory to God for his patience, gentleness, and unwavering faithfulness. As well as his forgiveness and grace.

You know, sometimes there just isn't a perfect choice or even a good choice. All you can do is make the best choice you know to make given the information you have at the time, or your ability to understand and process that information. Most of the time, we end up having to go back and clean up a mess we've made along the way. And that is grace. That is mercy.

I fully accept that I've been foolish, selfish, prideful, harsh, angry, bitter, vengeful, and a lot more during these last 7 months. Isn't it wonderful to know that Love is patient and never gives up? It endures all things and hopes all things. God's love for us is amazingly gracious and unconditional. Sometimes we need a push from behind, but other times we need gentle nudges and allowance to run back into His lap a bit when we should be a few steps farther. That's OK. He knows what we need and when we need it. He is, after all, our Man of Sorrows, acquainted with our grief.

A friend of mind wrote me today: " Wonder what God thinks as he sees us clinging to our tattered and torn earthly blankies (physical and emotional) when we could exchange them for glory like we've never seen? " So well spoken. A Rich Mullins song concurs: "I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want than take what You give that I need." But just like that child, sometimes it takes a while to be able to put down that blankie - it's so familiar and comfortable. And growth never is. Neither is death. But I am learning to embrace the pain and die to self. And I eagerly look for the "hope of Glory" that awaits me.

Here is something funny for you - God's Word and ways really are true. Imaging that! The more I am weak, the more I find strength in Him. The more I surrender, the more I am free. The more I die, the more I live. The more I let go, the more I gain. Oh the beautiful paradox that is the Christian life!

Today I realized...I trust Him. I REALLY trust Him. I thought I trusted before, but that was a shadow. Today I can say that even though the desert is hot, dry, painful and in no ways fun, I never want to go back to Egypt.

Tomorrow may be another story...that's why I'm journaling today. The Israelites marked important events and places to remember. This is my mark. I know the enemy will not find this amusing in any way so I must brace for the next round. But I will fight...and when there is no more fight in me, I will STAND and see the Salvation of my Redeemer. The battle is the Lord's. I'm FINALLY getting that. And it is making ALL the difference. What a shame that I was raised in a charismatic faith and I'm JUST NOW understanding and really learning spiritual warfare. Guess that's a skill you can't learn until you really need it.

When this is all over, I gotta write a book or something.

Boys

I remember when the idea of movie night was an artsy film, a good drama, a psychological thriller, a sci. fi or fantasy film, or a romantic comedy. Tonight's feature: Hot Wheels. The World Race.

'Course, mommy has hers for later. Something a bit more sophisticated. Like Spiderman 3. ;)

I'm all for a good action flick, but I have a feeling that it's going to be a while before I can expand the genera preference of my boys. It honestly reminded me of an MST3K we watched. One about Hercules. No lie - about 20 minutes of this movie was Hercules and some of his buddies climbing around on this mountain during a sand storm or something. The bots finally ran out of things to say, so it just became "yep. rock climbing. More rock climbing". They were weeping to make it stop. I didn't get that bad, but by the end of this movie I was saying "yep. more racing. more crashing. Oh, look, now they are racing in snow instead of sand. That crash had 4 cars instead of 2..." you get the picture.

But I dutifully sat there exclaiming with excitement how ultimately cool and wicked it all was.
Bonding with boys is easy. ;)

Gasp! I just realized...I'm gonna have to start liking NASCAR and sports, aren't I?

Less Like Scars reprise

A few months ago, I let our pastor and music minister know that when the time was right, I'd like to share a testimony with the wonderful people of RLC that has rallied and supported me since June and sing that song "Less Like Scars" (I posted the lyrics last month - Sara Groves). I figured it would be a while before I could, but wanted them to keep it in mind.

God has done such miraculous things in my heart as I've learned to abandon myself to Him. I have a long way to go, but Pastor Pete asked if I was ready and willing to share as part of his Christmas series. He has been preaching on how God uses unexpected people and circumstances to bring about His plan sometimes. I know in the Word how it says we overcome by the power of the blood and the word of our testimony, so by faith, I decided to go ahead and share of the work He has done, is doing, and I trust He will do - even though it's not all done yet. So right before Christmas, I took the plunge.

I have received such positive feedback from people present to hear my story and my song - it's encouraging to know that good can come of this - God can use this to His glory even though the circumstances themselves are far from glorious. Just like Joseph. Nothing glorious about being sold into slavery by your own brothers, then being falsely accused of a crime and having your name smeared, then helping someone only to be forgotten about. BUT...in the end, he helped save the very family who had betrayed him, and kept an entire nation from starving to death. And he was a better man for having gone through the trials than he would have been otherwise (I think before he may have been a little bratty - wearing that coat around all day and flaunting it to his brothers. No wonder they were jealous! :)) Anyway, the response I've gotten reminded me of a promise that God gave Rob years ago, when we were in the beginnings of his addiction...God told him he would use our trials to save other people's marriages. Now, please don't misunderstand. I firmly believe that God wanted Rob to seek and receive deliverance, our marriage to be completely restored and healed, and then our story to be the catalyst to save those on the brink. However, just like it was God's original plan to walk with man in the garden, man had a different idea. MY man had a different idea. That doesn't mean God's ultimate plan cannot happen - just that we have to take a different route to get there. God IS using and I believe WILL use my story to help others. I'M not the one who veered from the path - Rob is. I'm sorry he will not be around to share in the miraculous, but I'm going forward with my original plan: to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to serve Him by loving my neighbor as myself. And telling of His wonders to anyone and everyone who will listen to me. And letting Him use my life however He can and will to speak life to others. I hate that the way God will fulfill His promise is to use Rob as an object lesson - a warning sign so to speak. But if Rob chose to not cooperate with God's plan as God intended it, then Rob will have to be the one to adjust - not God, not myself, not my children, not our friends and family.

There are still days that the pain and hurt look MORE like scars than anything. That I feel like a victim over and over again and I see how my children are being victimized by Rob's inconsistency and instability (as I e-mailed some of you about the recent incident with Ethan). But the fact that there are days that the pain and hurt looks LESS like scars - well, that's the glory. That's the mercy. That's Jehovah my healer, my defender, my strong tower. That's when I feel bold in my spirit. When I can agree with my Savior and say "ENOUGH! I will NOT be a victim nor will I let my children be victims!" As a fellow sister who went through a similar journey 3 years ago told me - we are VICTORS not VICTIMS.

Because I am in Christ, I am secure. My future is secure. My life is secure. My family is secure. My hope is secure. I am on the Rock... and though it may feel shaky, nonetheless it's still solid. Rob is in the miry clay - the quicksand - the pit. There is no security in the pit. The saddest part about that is he doesn't have to be. He wasn't there to begin with - he looked around and jumped right into it all by himself. And he LIKES it down there. Guess you would have to to stay in it. The prodigal found something appealing about eating pig slop.

I still have a lot of questions regarding doctrine and theology I've grown up with and how to frame all of this. But I'm starting to be OK with the fact that I may never have all the answers - because there simply are no answers to some aspects...at least no logical or sane ones. But I will keep peeling back the layers of my thinking and my heart and looking for the wrong judgements and roots that are there and keep seeking THE ANSWER for my answers. And keep working on framing it all through Jesus - who knows exactly how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned by a close friend when you've done nothing to deserve it or cause it. He knows what it's like to have your good repaid you with evil. He knows what it's like to wrestle with this heart and body of dirt...and STILL overcome. And because I am His, so can I.

Greetings from my family to yours!

We hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and are looking forward to 2008. May those of you who know Christ, know Him deeper and more intimately than ever. May those of you who do not know Him, come to know Him.

May the Lord bless and keep you, make His face shine upon you, be gracious to you and give you peace.

PS - don't I have me some handsome boys? :)

PPS - Today, Ethan asked me if superheros were once real like dinosaurs and just went extinct. Where does he come up with this stuff? He's a little obsessed right now with learning the background, theme song, and secret identity of EVERY SUPER HERO ever. I realized there are very few that I know the hows and whys of their powers. Guess it's time for a Google search or a long chat with my comic-nerd friends (said with all love and admiration. After all, one man's 'nerd' is another man's 'cool' - believe me. I know! :) Drama club, swing choir, sci fi...)

Happy New Year 2008!

I hope you all rang in the new year with those you love! I know I did.