A few months ago, I let our pastor and music minister know that when the time was right, I'd like to share a testimony with the wonderful people of RLC that has rallied and supported me since June and sing that song "Less Like Scars" (I posted the lyrics last month - Sara Groves). I figured it would be a while before I could, but wanted them to keep it in mind.
God has done such miraculous things in my heart as I've learned to abandon myself to Him. I have a long way to go, but Pastor Pete asked if I was ready and willing to share as part of his Christmas series. He has been preaching on how God uses unexpected people and circumstances to bring about His plan sometimes. I know in the Word how it says we overcome by the power of the blood and the word of our testimony, so by faith, I decided to go ahead and share of the work He has done, is doing, and I trust He will do - even though it's not all done yet. So right before Christmas, I took the plunge.
I have received such positive feedback from people present to hear my story and my song - it's encouraging to know that good can come of this - God can use this to His glory even though the circumstances themselves are far from glorious. Just like Joseph. Nothing glorious about being sold into slavery by your own brothers, then being falsely accused of a crime and having your name smeared, then helping someone only to be forgotten about. BUT...in the end, he helped save the very family who had betrayed him, and kept an entire nation from starving to death. And he was a better man for having gone through the trials than he would have been otherwise (I think before he may have been a little bratty - wearing that coat around all day and flaunting it to his brothers. No wonder they were jealous! :)) Anyway, the response I've gotten reminded me of a promise that God gave Rob years ago, when we were in the beginnings of his addiction...God told him he would use our trials to save other people's marriages. Now, please don't misunderstand. I firmly believe that God wanted Rob to seek and receive deliverance, our marriage to be completely restored and healed, and then our story to be the catalyst to save those on the brink. However, just like it was God's original plan to walk with man in the garden, man had a different idea. MY man had a different idea. That doesn't mean God's ultimate plan cannot happen - just that we have to take a different route to get there. God IS using and I believe WILL use my story to help others. I'M not the one who veered from the path - Rob is. I'm sorry he will not be around to share in the miraculous, but I'm going forward with my original plan: to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to serve Him by loving my neighbor as myself. And telling of His wonders to anyone and everyone who will listen to me. And letting Him use my life however He can and will to speak life to others. I hate that the way God will fulfill His promise is to use Rob as an object lesson - a warning sign so to speak. But if Rob chose to not cooperate with God's plan as God intended it, then Rob will have to be the one to adjust - not God, not myself, not my children, not our friends and family.
There are still days that the pain and hurt look MORE like scars than anything. That I feel like a victim over and over again and I see how my children are being victimized by Rob's inconsistency and instability (as I e-mailed some of you about the recent incident with Ethan). But the fact that there are days that the pain and hurt looks LESS like scars - well, that's the glory. That's the mercy. That's Jehovah my healer, my defender, my strong tower. That's when I feel bold in my spirit. When I can agree with my Savior and say "ENOUGH! I will NOT be a victim nor will I let my children be victims!" As a fellow sister who went through a similar journey 3 years ago told me - we are VICTORS not VICTIMS.
Because I am in Christ, I am secure. My future is secure. My life is secure. My family is secure. My hope is secure. I am on the Rock... and though it may feel shaky, nonetheless it's still solid. Rob is in the miry clay - the quicksand - the pit. There is no security in the pit. The saddest part about that is he doesn't have to be. He wasn't there to begin with - he looked around and jumped right into it all by himself. And he LIKES it down there. Guess you would have to to stay in it. The prodigal found something appealing about eating pig slop.
I still have a lot of questions regarding doctrine and theology I've grown up with and how to frame all of this. But I'm starting to be OK with the fact that I may never have all the answers - because there simply are no answers to some aspects...at least no logical or sane ones. But I will keep peeling back the layers of my thinking and my heart and looking for the wrong judgements and roots that are there and keep seeking THE ANSWER for my answers. And keep working on framing it all through Jesus - who knows exactly how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned by a close friend when you've done nothing to deserve it or cause it. He knows what it's like to have your good repaid you with evil. He knows what it's like to wrestle with this heart and body of dirt...and STILL overcome. And because I am His, so can I.
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