Tired

Wow. I thought I was tired after I had both of my babies and was only getting sleep in 2-3 hour increments. But now, after 8 months of only averaging 5 hours a night or less, plus working full time and trying to maintain a homestead and household by myself...well, let's just say somethings gotta change soon.

Rob thinks there is no reason why I should not be willing to let him help with the maintenance on the home, or even running errands from time to time for us. Can you imagine? He wants to play house. Apparently, in his world, this is the way it's done. Why, some of the new friends he has even live under the same roof as divorced people "for the sake of the kids". He actually looks at me as if I just can't think logically here because my emotions are not in control like his - and that is my problem. I need to move past this so we can 'maintain the status quo" for the boys...nevermind that MY status quo and the boys status quo was mommy at home full time teaching them while daddy worked. No, it's really Rob's status quo he wants to maintain...he get's his domestic fix when he wants it and gets to play otherwise. It's sick and I really don't care if that's the way the world does it. I have no intentions of having any relationship with this man apart from what I must with regards to the kids. And allowing him to play "domestic partner" is NOT part of the deal.

This creates a bit of fear in me when I'm weak and tired - Rob comes off as very logical and wanting to do whatever is best for the boys (provided it doesn't mean him having to change his life too much - like moving to Ohio or actually repenting) and makes me seem like the emotional basketcase who just can't see past her pain. Please, someone tell me this is just not logical. I'm not crazy for not wanting to maintain a domestic relationship with him am I? Is it possible the courts will actually say to me "why not? Seems like a good arrangement for the kids and you are an adult so you can get over it."

I know I have good arguements for moving - financial ones, employment ones, emotional ones. And I've already been shown that my concerns for letting him have the kids in the night time is valid becuase the neutral evaluators agreed with me - no overnights until he's tested and they can see more clearly what's going on in his brain. But I also know the legal reality is that worse parents than Rob have been granted parental visitation and/or custody, and that whole parental rights piece seems to trump financial stability or emotional stability. After all, it would trample on poor Rob's civil rights to not be able to have access to his children. Apparently it's not in the kid's or my civil rights to have emotional, financial and spiritual support as well as stability.

How am I supposed to look forward to 16 years of "co-parenting" with a man who no longer shares my values and really only wants to parent in so much as it doesn't require him to change his life? And who SEEMS to have the courts to support this behavior and choices - becuase he's not doing anything "illegal". At least that we KNOW and can prove.

That brings me to my last revelation for today: I realize that I've been a single parent for a while now. But not just to Ethan and Noah. Also to Rob. I never set out to parent my spouse, but as I look back to the last 2 years or so, I see it's a role he kind of forced me into. What I thought was supporting him as a wife on this side is starting to look like an attempt to save him from himself...just like a mom is supposed to do. I picked up his slack - financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I tried not to in many instances, giving him the room and time to be the man and head he was supposed to. But there comes a time when it just has to be done and if the person who is supposed to do it isn't going to, well then, you must. Of course, I'm thinking that's what a friend does. That's what a wife does. At least, that's how it's supposed to work - we are supposed to challenge, sharpen, make one another better, help each other. But all Rob was doing was resenting himself for not being able to meet expectations and resenting me for being able to apparently - because he had no intentions of changing and didn't WANT to change. He just wanted everyone to stop expecting him to be a Christian, father, husband, friend. But I know for a fact that I never forced anything nor did I nag. Of course, to him, if I had to ask more than one time becuase he forgot, or is procrastinating, then I'm nagging. He is so much just like the teen agers I teach right now, it's comical....and sad.

Please continue praying for the legal side of things. We are all on hold waiting for Rob to "get it together" and do his evaluation. He's stalling because of the cost involved. Oh, he has plenty of money to go out, pay his fancy phone bill, buy clothes, take the kids out to eat, but not enough to get a court requested psych eval done. His creditors are starting to call me, too. Perhaps, part of that waiting that God is asking of me is to just wait for Rob's finances to crash around him...then he can't really fight anymore. I hate waiting, but I am intrigued to see how God is going to show Himself through this.