Is much longer than I anticipated. I know I am healing. But I have moments of set-back. I just started attending a Divorce Care group at a local church. They also have a class for Ethan. I think it will be good - he's been very angry for a while now. But I surprised myself when I started with my introduction (a VERY brief synopsis of your "story") and had to have the box of kleenex passed to me.
Why do I, after 15 months, still weep over this? Why do I still feel loss? Surely something is wrong with me, right? Well, apparently not. According to a lot of research, it can take upwards of 5 years to fully recover. Ugh. But I want to do this right - I want to allow the grief to happen. Otherwise it may take longer and I may end up doing stupid things like rebound relationships. Don't get me wrong - I want to date. I'm ready to date. But I am in NO WAY ready for anything serious or even semi-serious. I must allow grief it's agenda - not try to conform it to my own.
I'm learning that the extreme pain I feel is OK... and much better than the excruciating pain I would feel if I tried to hurry this process or medicate it away or supress it. The pain tells me I am human. I am OK. I am alive. I will survive this. AND it reminds me that I loved correctly...with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. The pain is the mark of covenant. When God made covenant with Abram, the animals were cut in two. This part of the ceremony was signifying the seriousness of this relationship: "may it be unto me as one of these if I break this covenant". When I married Rob, I joined my soul to his. That is the "one flesh" aspect of the relationship. When he broke covenant, it is not a simple "unzipping". It is a ripping of flesh - a tearing of the seams. It was more than a legal contract to be entered and exited on a whim. We became family. Closer than family. More than family.
One very important insight I got from my first class: I'm not so sure it is Rob that I love - at least not now. It's more that I am addicted to or infatuated with what I believed my relationship with Rob to be. With the dreams, plans, and ideas that formed my life until June of 2007. But all that was based on lies and deception - not from my end, but his. And it was a mockery to God, therefore, HE removed Rob. For those dreams, plans, ideas and that relationship cannot exist with him in the picture - at least not as he is right now. Does that mean my dreams were wrong? Nope. Same play, but it needed to be recast. God knows His plans for me, Ethan, and Noah. He said so. Those plans could not be fulfilled with such deception in our lives.
Today I saw a big difference in Ethan, too. This class will be good, I think. Another step in helping me to preach with my life. To SHOW my kids what a relationship with Christ Jesus looks like, not tell them. To let them witness my communion with my Savior - often and in the daily grind, not just on Sunday or Wednesday.
1 comment:
Lori,
Please know that you, Noah, Ethan and Rob are in our prayers daily. I can not imagine how you feel, but I needed the tissues while reading your post. You are so open and honest with what you are going through. I know God has a plan, sometimes it is just hard to see his plans. Keep seeking him, and doing what you are doing. It is great that Ethan is able to join a class that will help him through this. Praying for you.
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