Festival of Lights

I got to treat my boys to a childhood tradition of mine - going to the Cincy Zoo for the Festival of Lights! It was bigger than I remember it, which is odd - usually things you revisit as an adult seem smaller than you remember them as a child. The boys had a blast with all their cousins, aunts, and uncles and of course mamaw and papaw. We enjoyed seeing the animals, the beautiful light displays, pop corn and hot chocolate. And mommy enjoyed not freezing her tuckus off like I would be if I were in MN! :)

It's especially nice feeling a part of something bigger - not just me and the boys. And having help in keeping up with them and getting them ready to go places, etc. And even having someone to help in the middle of the night with the terrors, coughing, fevers and so on. I love these boys and would do anything and sacrifice everything for them, but being a single parent is hard work and having help makes a big difference to them and me. Having other people besides mommy to see the cool stuff, hear the secrets, laugh at the jokes, watch your trick, attend to your needs - that's important.

They also love having so many men around to affirm and validate them. Yes, they have that in many friends and brothers in our church, but I can see a difference in them having it daily through grandpa, uncle Brandon, cousin Tom, etc. Why papaw even showed them how to shave this week. Ethan thinks he's something else now! I already call him "the man of the house" and that makes him feel really special. But being "let in" on such a manly ritual and rite of passage...now he's feeling very grown up. He has a Transformers shaving kit and couldn't wait to show me how he shaves when I bathed him. So cute. So precious. And he's growing up so fast. I don't want to miss a moment.

But I keep trying to remind them as I tuck them in, pray over them, and bless them - Jesus is really all they need. Not mommy, grandpa and grandma, cousins - just Jesus. I remind them to tell Him everything...how they feel, what they are thinking about, even questions they have or jokes they want to share. This is the same lesson mommy is having to learn, too. I never intended for my boys to learn so early that life is cruel and unfair - because of sin and the nature of man's heart, but here we are learning it way before I felt they were ready. And not through a stranger, but through someone they love. But it certainly is a great way to illustrate that man will always fail - but God never will. NEVER.

New Year's is coming up. New beginnings. New adventures. New changes. I wonder where our journey will take us in 2008? I am confident that as long as I hold to the hand of God, and follow His steps, that it will be OK. Safe? Happy? Perfect? Probably not. But that's the adventure. It will be exciting, risky, joyous and perfecting. For me and the boys. As for me and my household...we will serve the Lord-and EXPECT the wonder that can only come from a life abandoned and submitted to Christ. As I heard in a recent sermon- Christians were never meant to be ordinary, "normal", status-quo kind of people. We are BARBARIANS. We go against the flow. We buck the system. We are risk-takers. We seem foolish to the world. Reckless Abandon to the One who gives Reckless Mercy. As I journey, I'm noticing that the path isn't getting easier, but it IS getting clearer. Everyday, every moment there is a choice to be made. Death or life? Rebellion or obedience? Curses or blessing? And though the world tries it's best to make the choices seem gray and muddled, the closer I draw to Him, the more distinct the choices are.

This year, when the clock strikes midnight, I will kiss TWO "men" and spend the evening in the arms of the lover of my soul. Because I have a choice - I choose life. I choose hope. I choose Christ.

Lunch at good 'ol LaRosa's pizzeria

Thanks to Mare for the pics. I'll be downloading all the ones I took once I'm home in MN. These were some of my drama/Choralier friends from FHS. Several of us met for lunch on Wednesday...

...and as usual, Noah ended up wearing a spaghetti beard.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Just wanted to wish everyone a very Christ-filled Christmas and a wonderful 2008! We are having a great time with family in Ohio. It's been really good to be with people who love you. We have been blessed abundantly by family, friends, and people who don't even know us. I am once again, amazed by God and his abundant, perfect and unconditional love for me and my children.

I had the great privilege to catch up with some old high school drama/Choralier buddies of mine at a Christmas party on Sunday! Thanks to the efforts of Dave P. who started a reunion site, many of us have become re-acquainted and was in town for the holidays. So one of the gals hosted a little get together for us. It was fun to catch up and amazing to see where we all have been, are, and are going - and what many have become. We have doctors, lawyers, actors, musicians, teachers, nurses, business masterminds, top secret government IT guys... you name it and someone in this group does it. I get to have lunch with a few of them tomorrow before we all start scattering the country once again. So here is a shout-out to my FHS peeps (that just sounds so pathetic coming from a 36 year old mother, huh?) :) We missed those of you who could not make it (especially Tom who was supposed to stay at my Grandma's house but who wimped out last minute because of weather. You owe me a reunion, dude. :) )

I will post pics as soon as I get back to MN. Don't worry Chris...I will protect your identity and not post any pics of you on my site. ;)

Christmas '07

Being that this is our first Christmas without daddy, I was afraid I would have a hard time making it special, let alone providing gifts given the current financial situation with the pending divorce. However, once again, God's love and grace has been poured out pressed down, shaken together, and running over! The Body of Christ has responded as His hands and feet, and my boys are enjoying one of the best Christmas' they've ever had, apart from the relational aspect of not having their father be a part of it. Grace is covering them in that area, however, as they are young enough that it's not effecting them too much.

My concern now is to make sure this 1)does not set a precedent for future years - I could not afford it! and 2)that I'm able to get the true Christmas message through all the "gettin'". I plan to have them pick out at least one new toy they recieved to give away. We sat and talked about Christmas being when God GAVE us something precious without asking anything in return from us - we had nothing to give. And talked about how people and helping/giving is better than what we get. Then we talked about how it would be better to get zero presents, but have daddy come back to the Lord and be at home because Jesus still loves him and misses him just like we do. We said a prayer of thankfulness for Emmanuel, for God's love and blessings being bestowed upon us through His followers, and for Rob. Then they tore in....

A little visit from sunny SC...

Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk came for a visit last week and had an early Christmas with the boys. It was bittersweet to spend time with them, especially with Rob's absence. But they are my family and have been for half of my life. And no divorce decree will change that. Please lift them up in your prayers. They are just as heart broken and confounded as the rest of us who love Rob.

Ethan got "Optimus Prime" for Christmas. He has slept with this thing every night since! :)

Took us a full hour just to figure out how to "transform" it between a truck and robot. The pictures in the instructions are rather worthless.

Noah was completely mesmerized by the kaleidoscope. It makes me smile when the simplest toys bring the most wonder. Who needs batteries or flashing lights?

Ethan and Noah have begun a "I want to sleep in bubby's bed" phase...at least a couple of times a week. I figure it won't last long, so why not. They think they are having a "sleep over". It's sweet.

The boys always appreciate time to wrestle and tickle with Grandpa!

Ethan was quite proud of his "Gingerbread" House and wanted us to snap some pics of the finished project. What have I learned about my son by doing this project with him? That he did not get my sense of orderliness and spacial balance. He just haphazardly threw candy all over it. I've had to learn to let some things go... :) Of course, you can probably pick out my contribution right away - the straight row of alternating striped chocolate chips on the roof. Yep. Balanced and orderly. I don't do abstract well.

Ethan was proud to show off his school work.
Noah has discovered the world of telecommunication. There is nothing he loves better than a phone. He and Ethan will play talking on the phone for very long periods of time.


You may think this is just Grandpa enjoying some cuddle time. Personally, I think he got down to change a diaper and just couldn't get back up again. ;)

overlooked fall fun...

Boy, as I emptied out my camera, I realized just how long it's been since I downloaded any of the pics I had taken. So here is a flashback to our time this past fall. We had some beautiful colors here in MN and great weather! This was one of the most colorful trees I've ever seen - and it took it a long time (by MN standards) to finally fade and loose it's leaves. We really enjoyed the show!

This year we tried a different apple orchard and went with our good friends from church - the Forbes Family. We had a blast. Their oldest, Jaben, is one of Ethan's buddies from Sunday School. Pictured is Ethan and Noah, and Jaben and Myla Forbes.

The boys just hanging out and being silly. Myla had given up on them at this point and moved on to more interesting things... :)

This year for Fall Festival, Ethan wanted to be a Power Ranger. Why? I have NO idea - he's never seen one that I'm aware of. Nor does he possess any secret powers of own weird weaponry or communicative device, so I'm pretty sure he isn't one himself. I honestly don't know how he even knew what a power ranger is! Noah is a "fire dog".

Fall was GREAT this year. And we scored nicely on the candy! :)

"Gingerbread" houses

Here is Ethan and mommy working together to make our very first "Gingerbread" house. Ethan's teacher had the great idea of hot gluing the graham crackers to 2 pint cartons of milk. All we had to do is slather on the frosting and garnish with the candy! Ethan used a chocolate bar for his chimney.

Afterwards, we played tinker toys for a while. Ethan built robots. I swear, I was only there for about 15 minutes and he had no less than 4 little girls in his class come by and ask him what he was doing... ;)

I'm behind

with regards to pictures and updates regarding the kids and such. I will try to catch up in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to helping Ethan build a gingerbread house tomorrow in school! A first for BOTH of us! Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk will be there, too. We are going to have a blast.

You know, having less time with my children sure makes me appreciate the time I do get and makes me think more creative about making it special, and not just popping in a video or something. I realize how much I took for granted being with them all day. I still believe that is the ideal - for kids to be in the presence of a Godly parent MOST of the time, but there is grace to cover my kids. I will not squander any more time with them. Nor will I worry. I am learning to let God be God, and to stop trying to be God for them. After all HE is all they need... and some people and some situations are simply not worth fretting over.

You know, there was a freedom in being childless that I vaguely remember. And single parenthood is even less "freedom" as you are picking up the slack for the other, irresponsible party who does not value the inherit human obligations that come with parenthood and family life. But...to miss out on the smiles, hugs, laughs, horseplay, jokes, silliness, learning moments, discussions of life and faith... I may not be as "free" as I was, but I certainly am living much more than I was. To know that you and you alone can kiss the boo-boo all better, can cuddle the scaries away, can soothe a troubled heart or sick body. To know you helped to give life and have a part in sustaining it. To mold and shape a life and be molded and shaped yourself as well. To know you are the most important person to someone else. To share life, love, dreams, hopes and the future. To live with purpose, destiny, peace, joy....

and NO REGRETS.

THAT is real freedom.

White washed tombs

Had an unfortunate glimpse of Rob's new life this week when I had to go check out his apartment before leaving my precious son in his care for an entire day - Ethan had pink eye, I had to work - I really had no other options. I knew it would be emotional...

Rob has surrounded himself with "beautiful" things, even without the income to do so...a new bed, antique desk, nice plants, lamps, decor, new dishes and wine glasses and 2 closets full of clothes and shoes. Yes, you read right. We shared one closet all our married life and now he has enough clothes and shoes to fill 2 all by himself. He keeps scented candles burning and air fresheners going constantly, and while we were there, was in a constant state of agitation as the kids messed up his cushions, spilled a bit on the floor, or got too close to his nice lamp. Obsessive compulsive comes to mind.

Of course it was a stab in my heart again - he loves his new life, his freedom, his "friends" and his stuff. While I am sleep deprived and desperately missing time with my kids as I work at a frantic pace to make income to keep it all together, while I haven't cooked in ages and me and the boys seem to be living off of fast food, while I'm dragging my kids out of bed at 6:30 AM when they are used to sleeping until 9 and hauling them all over the place for someone else to care for them all day, while I am frustrated with celibacy after 17 years of beautiful, meaningful, REGULAR intimacy, while my closet and home is full of thrift store bargains, he is living it up with seemingly no consequences and loving every minute of it feeling absolutley no regret about what it has done or is doing to me, the kids or anyone else.

But as I got home that night and let the tears flow into my Savior's lap, I kept hearing "white washed tombs". God was showing me its just all part of the facade that is his life. Nothing is real. Nothing is true. Even the nice, new things were purchased on credit he cannot afford - they are not his, he is only getting to borrow them for a short while. He is surrounding himself with as much distraction as he can - anything to try to cover up the look, feel, and stench of the spiritual death and rot that is his life. It's just more medication. And like the alcohol and women, it, too will not satisfy or cover up the stench for long. The smell of decomposition has a way of overpowering everything else eventually. The Bible describes this as "white washed tombs - full of dead men's bones". They may look nice on the outside - but they are still just graves filled with corpses.

It was disturbing to see his place and see how he acted in it with the kids there. It hurt, but it also was a very powerful visual reminder that he is not the same person on ANY level - he was always neat, but never obsessed with it. And stuff was not important to him. But now, this is all he has and all he can control, so understandably it has higher priority than his children feeling free to play. It's especially weird to have a visual representation adn object lesson so close to me that illustrates so many things the Word of God says regarding this type of sin.

When I am around him, it's easy to get dragged into his lie. It's so dark, sinister, and thick it consumes all around it. When I'm away, I can see and hear much more clearly and I'm finding it easier to seperate the lies from the truth. I am thankful to God for that progress, for I would never be here without His help, and it gives me hope that the future will not always feel so bleak.

One of the hardest lessons in all of this is that doing the right thing and loving the right way - with your whole heart and and soul - may not be rewarded - at least not down here, and perhaps not by the recepient of that goodness and love. That doesn't mean it wasn't right. And that doesn't mean I should close my heart off to anyone in the future to protect it. It was right to love Rob like I did. I will not become bitter and guarded. I may hate what is happening now, and the pain it causes, but I do not hate loving in such a way that I have this grief and pain. And I plan to love that intensely and completely again...for it is the only real way to love. God did not withhold His best from those He loves - so neither will I. I loved him with my heart, soul and body. Apparently that was too much for him - and he prefers only being "loved" with one out of the 3. That's too bad for him...because that is not love. But I suppose it's all he can fit into his small world.

Funny how we can love something and hate it at the same time...hate the pain, but love the reason for the pain. Hate the tiredness, but love and be thankful for the job that makes you tired. Hate that I'm not eating right, but loving the weight loss. Hating the messy house and car, but loving that I have a reliable car, a warm home, and loving the 2 people that have made the messes in them both.

I'll happily take my thrift store bargains and the real relationships I have with my kids, my family, my dear friends over all brand new stuff and casual, meaningless, and pretend relationships. And I'll take Jesus over all of that if I had to. I am determined and decided to pass the test.

Less Like Scars

Here are some more lyrics to share with you all that summarize where I am right now...and it's a very good thing.

Sara Groves \ Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard Healing changes are subtle But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here, and you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars and more like Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping You would come

And I need you , And I want you here, And I feel you

And I know you're here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars (x3)
And more like Character


...Amen.

Ask me about my car...

I'm sorry I have to be so vague right now with everything. I'd love to shout praises from the roof top, but I've learned that I cannot trust a certain person with access to this public forum to not use some information against me in legal proceedings. But if you really want to hear some AMAZING tales regarding the blessings and grace and mercy and love of the Lord towards me in these last 2 weeks, e-mail me a message and I will be happy to give details. After the divorce is final, I will divulge any and all details and share the wonders of my God with all! I can tantilize you with this: you will simply not believe it. I don't. "Above all we can ask or think or measure" as my pastor put it. :)

Impossible?

Here's a deep theological perspective to chew on. I welcome comments.

Heb. 6:4-8

4It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit,5who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age,6if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because[2] to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
7Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.8But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.

I have read this in at least 4 different translations and every one of them says "impossible". Even though "with God, all things are possible". Guess that says a lot about free will, huh? With God, all things may be possible, but with man, there are simply some impossibilities because of man's selfishness, stubbornness, and outright rebellion. May I never subject my beautiful savior to public disgrace or another crucifixion. May my land never get hard from the outpouring of rain and only produce thistles. May I never turn away from the living water of which I have tasted. I am counting the cost and finding nothing more valuable than Christ.

new job

God is good and He is taking such good care of me and my boys. And when He chooses to open the storehouses....then look out! I don't want to reveal too much here, but apparently I'm a hot commodity - even being out of the classroom for the last 5 years and even in the middle of the school year when all the jobs are supposedly filled. If you want more details, e-mail me privately.

I had another incident that reminded me of the Israelites wandering the desert - even though they are in a horrible place seemingly aimlessly wandering without food, a home, etc. the Word says that God caused their shoes and clothes to last an unnaturally long time (in addition to providing them food and water). Praise God that He can and does work on so many levels - from causing our material goods to last longer, to providing the means by which to fix or replace them when that time comes - whether through a job or a miracle. Doesn't matter to me - it's all His hand at work! :)

And even on a "fun" note: I have officially dropped 50 lbs. Another testimony to His "levels": although the reason for my weight loss is horrible, at least I'm looking good and feeling really good about myself. It's as if the weight loss helps to counter the reason for the weight loss...if that makes sense. I'm now in a size I was in during my college years - it's been a long time! So despite the ending of one season of my life, I'm getting a new lease as I enter the next one.

Please pray for wisdom and discernment for me with regards to my employment- and that God would work out the child care situation to the best for me and for the boys.

validation

I know the source of my pain and my rollercoaster - I just don't know how to turn it off, you know? My problem is that I'm still viewing this hateful, cruel man as my husband and best friend and seeking validation of our relationship, our marriage, of my role as his friend and wife. Now I know full well he is NOT going to give it to me, nor could he even if he wanted to. But something in me fears that if he doesn't validate it, if he doesn't recognize it as true, then somehow that makes it invalidated and untrue. When, in reality, truth doesn't change and hasn't changed - Rob has. So therefore his opinion is moot. He has no credibility to validate anything. He has believed and continues to believe lies and deception, to the point that reality has become something else to him. Our history, my role, my importance, our relationship - he is not viewing any of it through the eyes of truth, therefore he has reframed it all and rewritten history. Just because someone doesn't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen or happened differently.

My husband and best friend is dead. This new person should mean nothing to me. How do I get there?

I KNOW IN WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED...

My God is real of that I have no doubt. I feel I am only starting to awaken to the love my Savior has for me. Only just now starting to scratch the surface of how high and how wide and how deep and how long is the love of Christ and to KNOW this love that surpasses ALL understanding! I wish, oh, I wish I could spill my guts and tell you all of specific ways he has revealed himself to me over the past month. To tell you all of the things he has spoken to my heart. But, alas - it would not be wise nor prudent given my current pending legal action. Oh, and because the devil might read this and learn what's going on. :) (that was a little inside humor for all my fellow pentecostals - especially you Lee alumni). I was asked this week by someone if I want to live in a place where I have to rely on miracles all the time? You know, maybe I would. I have never known such freedom! Granted, I'm not walking in the freedom like I should - constantly, unwaveringly, not doubting. I still find myself wringing my hands from time to time or projecting situations or circumstances that may never be. But ultimately I keep making my way back, even through the muck and mire, to the place of rest, peace, security. Under His wings. And I am learning to trust like never before. But where it seemed to be getting harder to trust for a while there, He has so proven Himself faithful and true, over and over, that it's actually getting EASIER to trust now. I'm sorry I could not trust without the proof, but such is the human heart, eh? Has my circumstance changed? Yes - it seems to be getting worse. But my peace is growing. My security is growing. My faith is growing. And my love for God is growing. And my realization of His love for me is growing. My anxiety, doubt, fear, grief and sorrow are all waning. I do not make any apologies for how long it has taken me to grieve this, nor how much longer it might take. For I am more certain than ever that when I am done, it will be complete. There will be closure. It will be finished.

If any of you would like more specific testimony, feel free to e-mail me and I will share details in a less public forum. But let me just say... TO GOD BE THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE.

I do hope there are many of you who are still praying for Rob. He needs it really bad. Allow the Lord to lead you how to pray - because I often don't know myself. I can tell you his heart and his mind has never been more bitter, hard, cold...nor has he ever been so far away. He is utterly consumed and I truly shudder to think what awaits him in this life and beyond.

Rollercoasters

I'm so tired of the emotional rollercoaster I'm on. I'll be doing great and BAM he'll do or say something to plunge the knife in yet again and send me backwards. It's hard to describe exactly who he has become. Needless to say, one of the most painful parts is knowing how much time, effort, love and passion I poured into this man for 17 years....and he doesn't even seem to miss me.

It makes it very difficult to hold on to the understanding that it's not personal - because it FEELS personal. Especially when he can be so mean and flippant in his attitude and words.

I know I am no longer dealing with Rob. I am dealing with a spirit that has consumed him. And I, like a fool, have been fighting against flesh and blood with carnal weaponry - arguments, reason, anger, violence, tears and sorrow. I have to learn to turn him over to the Almighty...easier said than done when he won't stop coming around. I think he enjoys the torment on some sinister level. I am open to whatever I need to do to help myself to heal - including a move. I'm tired of playing his set up game - where he causes something then accuses me in my reaction or uses my reaction to justify his evil somehow (as if there is any justification to be found in what he is doing).

I am getting a hard lesson on what the Word means when it says to "pray for your enemies and those who SPITEFULLY use you"...I just never expected it to be talking about my husband and friend.

Fire Department Annual Open House

Another annual family tradition has come and gone - the Fridley Fire Dept. Open House. They put on a good show - lots of fire engines and other official city machines (police cars, snow plows, construction equip., etc.) for the kids to climb in, free prizes, free food, Home Depot kids and an area to build them, fun activities and really cool demos. Our favorite is when they set a mock living room on fire with a toaster. Really makes you want to go home and practice your fire drills - the entire room is usually engulfed in less than 2 minutes. This year they added rides around the block in an old fashioned, collector fire engine. See the pics below.

Just checking in

We are all doing well. Been busier now that I'm working and getting back into the swing of things with church. Doing a wonderful study on Covenant through the Precepts Ministries. It's really beautiful. At first, I was nervous that it would be a constant reminder that my so called "husband" placed little to no value on our covenant, but it's been more about God's covenant with us - His people. Again, I am being pursued. He is captivated with me!

I've really tried to refrain from saying negative things about "he who must not be named" :) - but I've had it with trying to always take the high road when he's slithering around in the ditch and trying to fling mud up at me all day long. So here goes a "vent": last week, he liquidated MORE of our HELOC - and then went through the pretense of "asking" me if he could "borrow" it. He'd already purchased a car with it before even asking!!! Can you believe the sheer audacity? "Lori, I know I'm shirking every responsibility towards you and the boys - especially now that I've left you without any health coverage. But it's more important to me to have some wheels and not be inconvenienced by having to take a bus or ask for a ride than it is to make sure you have backup money to pay for Noah's meds and keep up your B12 shots so you can care for the children I've abandoned." He even got a legal consultation back in the summer and apparently didn't pay one bit of attention to the lawyer. Any attorney worth his salt would have explained the concept of "liquidating marital assets for personal gain" to him. What does Rob hear? "blah, blah, blah...do whatever you want, blah, blah, blah". I'm to the point where it's starting to become humorous...how easy he's making this for me. He's hanging himself - I don't have to point a finger. God is clearly the head of my home, my husband and father to my son's. He is our defender - our bulwark. No weapon (financial, emotional, spiritual, physical) Rob forms against me will prosper. As a matter of fact, they all seem to be strangely backfiring. Rob is no match for the Almighty.

He's played the fool - he's sown to the wind and he's reaping a whirlwind.

On becoming single again...

At first, I resisted. After being married 17 years and not intending to ever NOT be married, it's a scary prospect. But the Lord is truly separating me from all of this. It is reminiscent of college before I had my personal conversion. I remember the Lord bringing me to a state of "loneliness" - not the kind where you have no friends or companionship, but the kind where you are keenly aware that it's just you and God. And that's really all that you need. I'm getting back to that place as God reveals to me his name: Jehovah Quanna. Jealous. Jealous for me. I am being courted and pursued by my savior - the lover of my soul. And I must say it feels very good. The love letters He has sent me these past 2 weeks have just taken my breath away! The gifts and tokens of affection He has offered make me swoon. I am amazed by God. It makes me want Him more and more.

Ethan has been expressing some rather odd behavior for him. He's becoming a bit more clingy and expressing fear at a lot of different things, yet nothing specific. He's expressed worry at my dying for one. I'm sure it stems from the abandonment by his father, but I'm praying that God will reveal himself to my sons as Abba - "daddy", so that they will not even need their earthly dad. Jesus loves my kids, too. His grace is sufficient. Please pray for my boys.

I'll mention this latest "gift". I recognized it as a gift from God right away because of how it happened and the timing. I had been talking to God earlier about even though I'm learning to be satisfied in and through Him for all things, I do miss feeling attractive and feminine to the opposite sex. I miss having a man come home and put his arms around me and kiss my neck while I'm making supper. Or invite me to sit and cuddle on the couch. Or look at me with that "I'm really interested in you" kind of glance. So yesterday, I'm on my way home from church. I'm driving a minivan (nothing screams "mom" like a minivan). This car goes to pass me on the highway. It just passes and slows down, getting even with me. Naturally I glace over and this pretty cute guy is checking me out! :) So, I smile and nod, then he slows down and gets behind me as I am exiting onto a different road. I have to admit - I was a bit nervous at first...what if this guy is some psycho who's gonna follow me home? Instead, he got up beside me again just as he was about to exit for good, waved, blew me a kiss and smiled. I think I smiled and giggled the rest of the drive home.

And who says God is not interested in our minutia?

"Diet"

40 lbs and counting.... :)

I don't recommend my diet plan, but MAN am I looking HOT! (hee-hee)

It does propose one small problem - finding the dough to buy new clothes - not because you WANT them, but because you NEED them! My "skinnier" jeans are starting to fall off of me (yippee)!

Pursuing Freedom

As part of my healing journey, the Lord has put me in contact with a pastor that is helping me to identify bondage's in my own life that have been put there by wrong thinking and misunderstanding on my own part. I'm seeing that all of us are guilty of the exact same sin - and it started with Eve. Here was a person created IN THE IMAGE OF GOD to reflect HIS glory. Eve enjoyed the only pure relationship ever known - that of unconditional love from the source of love - God. She and Adam were able to explore the depths and richness of their own relationship because they were secure in their relationship with God. There was no worries about what I look like, how I perform, what I do for the other person - their own lovability, acceptance, esteem was not wrapped up in each other - it flowed from the pure relationship with their creator as they were a reflection of HIM, and therefore "worthy". No thought was even given to what the other human thought about them. Who cares?

But, once Eve believed the lie (God's love IS conditional - he's holding out on you. He doesn't have your best interest at heart...)then her wrong judgement was that she had the power within herself to take hold of that which would satisfy and make her "worthy". Suddenly the pure, unconditional relationship she shared with God and with Adam became tainted with performance based acceptance. And now that is where we have been stuck ever since. We all believe we are the "masters of our own destiny". We've forgotten what it truly means to surrender and trust and rely on God as our source for ALL. Not just to meet our monetary needs - but our source of peace, companionship, love, acceptance...all of those things we so desperately search for in other people - and will NEVER find. We will be nothing but disappointed and hurt over and over again because man's love is conditional. Why do we pursue so hard after that which has no ability to satisfy? Why do we run after the very thing that will hurt and disappoint us most, yet turn our backs on that living water that will quench our thirst permanently? Why was I trying so hard to "win back" the love of a man who has shown me such unkindness, betrayal, pain, disappointment, disregard and ignored the love of the only One who has NEVER disappointed, been faithless, caused me pain, betrayed or disregarded me? The only One who has loved me unconditionally - that He would die for me even before I acknowledged Him as Lord and friend.

Truth is - God did not, nor does not withhold his best from us ever - at least not those of us who are serving and living for Him. He always has our best interest in mind - whether we understand it fully or not. We do not have to clutch and flail and reach so desperately to try take hold of something to give us worth - to make us feel loved and accepted and important and fulfilled and satisfied...whe already have it. We just can't accept it because of the lies we believe and the wrong judgments it leads us to. And if we can't accept it from God, then we're not gonna find it anywhere else. Only God can fill that hole.

People can come and go in my life. My worth (nor that of my sons) is not and will not be affected - because my worth is found in Christ. I don't have to settle for anything because God has His best in store for me and my sons.

A friend of mine put it to me this way - "Lori, you may be a victim of all this, but I suspect you are further down the list than you realize. Rob first did this to God. Then to himself." As David repented for the whole ordeal with Bathsheba "Against you and you alone, O God, have I sinned" even after taking Bathsheba and murdering her husband and betraying the entire nation of Israel. David's sin was not lusting, adultery, murder, betrayal. Those were all symptoms of the root. It was pride. It was thinking that God was withholding His best from David, so therefore David will reach out with his own hands to take hold of "fulfillment" rather than finding it in Yahweh. He believed he could actually find anything apart from God to fill that need of "I'm worthy, lovable, accepted" and that he had the ability to capture it through his own striving and abilities. The branch cannot bear fruit of it's own efforts - it MUST be grafted into the vine/trunk. It's only from the sap flowing from the vine into the branch, can the branch produce. Without that sap, the branch will only wither and die. It cannot even sustain itself, let alone produce anything of value.

Understanding this is the key to gaining freedom. Surrender is freedom. Letting go of all the wrong judgments and lofty ideas that we can do anything to make us worthy of anything is liberation. Letting go of the idea that our performance is tied to our worthiness. That we can earn grace and love and mercy. It is there and it is free and it is unconditional. Letting go of the idea that man's opinion matters in the least - and accepting that we reflect the Glory of the Almighty. And that is ENOUGH. Only once we understand these things can we truly be free to love others unconditionally and accept love unconditionally.

Apart from Christ we are nothing. But IN Christ - we are the reflection of divinity. We are fulfilled, satisfied - living as we were meant and created to live. And we have freedom to experience life and relationships free from fear, lies, deception.

I was trying to get my approval and acceptance and worth through Rob. And now I realize how much I was missing out on. Even though my attempts were through a "proper" and right relationship, they were still MY attempts to fill that hole with the wrong thing. And God, in His mercy - seeing my heart was pure in it's search, is setting me free and releasing me from the law of sin and death. And I will be able to teach my sons how to not even accept that root and those wrong judgements so they will hopefully never fight this battle. I believe my sons will not suffer any consequences from the moral failing of their father as long as I continue to seek God and get a healthy mind, heart, and soul myself. This is not the end. My path will lead to God's best. Unfortunately for him, Rob's path will lead to man's worst. I will miss him.

Ethan's first day of school

Got my Cars lunchbox and my Spiderman backpack. I'm set!
Ethan's cubby
Ethan was very excited to get a name badge and his very own special seat!
This is his teacher Mrs. Rollerson reading a story to them as we all said goodbye. Ethan did fine, I did fine. It was Noah who cried - he didn't want to go and didn't want to leave bubby.

I'm terribly sorry that this is sideways - I used my camera to shoot the video and didn't think about the fact that you can't "rotate" a video image like you can a picture. Just wanted to capture the moment live...

Just a fun day with my kids...

culminating in a spontaneous picnic at Moore Lake.

Ethan made a new friend who was willing to give him rides on his "motorcycle".Noah loves to play in the pirate ship.

While Ethan was riding around with his new friend, Noah and I enjoyed one of the last days warm enough to remove your sandals and stick your feet in the water.

Then we all enjoyed one of the best simple pleasures of summer - hurling rocks into water. Yep, poppie...I can still skip 'em just like you taught me! :)