random thoughts

Bad news is it's been a rough couple of week. Good news is I can actually feel progress in my spirit and my mind. I asked my counselor about this back and forth thing and he said it's normal for me as long as I'm making progress. Apparently I have a "right side"...the side that is my go getter, my pick-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps side that wants to be done with it all and move on. Then there is my left side...my emotional side that must grieve and work through it. My right side feeds on anger - if I get good and mad at him the I can get over it. But anger blocks the grief. So every once in a while, my emotional side says "take a break already and let me cry". With each "set back" I cling desperately to the truth even though I don't feel it. And I come out on the other side feeling more detached, which is good. I come out believing the truth a bit more, and starting to feel the truth. That, my friends, is progress. Unfortunately my counselor has also told me this is going to take time and it will not be quick. But I must embrace it and let it happen at the pace God has designed.

I shared with my mom that it's a lot like a serious wound. Often a wound must be irritated in order to heal. A broken bone must be set, a deep cut or scrape must be cleaned thoroughly, a bullet must first be removed. It involves pain and suffering, but without it infection sets in and the danger of gangrene. My infection is bitterness. If I am ever to be whole and share life with another, then I must embrace the pain and the suffering and let Him clean the wound. Even if it means He has to remove the scab over and over again to apply the ointment. The only way to let it all go is to not deny it's existance - it must be dealt with. And it is deep so the cleansing must happen in phases like peeling an onion...remove one layer to deal with the layer underneath.

I am sensing a peace about moving to Ohio. I believe it's going to happen. It might mean, however, that I have to be willing to let him have the children for overnights and extended periods. That still scares me, but I have to trust Jesus with my kids just like I've had to trust him with my heart and my life and my salvation.

Pastor Pete spoke on "why God doesn't answer my prayers" Sunday. Among the reasons was "because He may have something better". Dear Jesus, please let it be so. I never imagined I would want my life to not have Rob in it. But that's where I'm heading. He simply has too much "junk" and I have less and less interest to help him with it or be burdened by it. I have a lot to offer and he squelched it in me. I will NOT settle ever again.

Lying Low

Well, I've had a few weird anomolies when it comes to this blog switching to private. I'm suspicious that Rob might still have found a way to access it, but I also could be completely paranoid. He has on 2 different occassions made comments about me "spreading his private informtion to third parties"...apart from the fact that he told me I could tell people early on, depsite the fact that most of his actions he confessed to many of you himself, and despite the fact that most of what is on the blog is my personal, spiritual journey and emotional processing. I think I've only given specific information twice. Maybe he's reading it, or maybe he's just upset that he can no longer read it so he's assuming it will always be about him. Anyway, if any of you are speaking to him, please don't share anything you know...just in case. And I also will try to keep the blog fairly neutral over the next few months. I will still keep those of you on my "prayer list" informed of issues as they arise via e-mail

I hate being under a microscope and not feeling as if I can be myself and be honest. I HATE playing games. But this is what it has come to. Feel free to contact me privately via phone or e-mail if you have any questions, comments, etc.

It's been a rough week. I hate waiting. Waiting causes my imagination to run wild. I also know my employment situaton is precarious, I can't make some deadlines even if we settled this thing tomorrow, and it's got me a bit stressed. There is a fine line between faith and foolishness sometimes. I've been trying to have faith that I will get to move to Ohio. Besides the faith, not beign able to do much, really, about employment here due to time adn financial restraints has caused me to be kinda putting my eggs in one basket. Now if that basket falls, all my eggs break, was I foolish or was God? His Word says he is faithful, so it must mean I missed it. If I miss it agian, I don't know if I have it in me to keep trusting that I'm hearing from the Lord. Apparently, I'm a LOUSY sheep.

So keep praying. I'm out of work in June and out of luck in MN - I'm no longer employable as a teacher. And I simply have not had the time nor money to take classes to renew my licensure. If I have to stay, I really have no idea what I will do at this time. That's just a wee bit scary place to be.