Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sweetest Day

If ever there was a blatant attempt from the card and flower industry to promote their products, this is it. Isn't Valentine's Day enough?

That said, I have the sweetest Sweetest there is - no cards were exchanged or flowers, just kisses and compliments. And I couldn't be happier. I am a blessed woman.

I love you, Steve!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Priorities

Boy, I have to tell you I am in a place in my life that it is really hard to balance. I never planned on being a working mom with little kids...at least not working full time and having to develop all new curriculum. Ugh. This really stinks. I feel like a first year teacher having to put so much time into work. Its hard to find time for anything else. I don't like this.

It brings up a lot of my questions to God about the path I was on 3 years ago. I had put my career on hold and had embraced my domestic role as wife and mother. It was hard to walk away from a very successful career up to that point. I love teaching. I had finally come to a place that I was OK with setting it aside and WHAM - my husband leaves. So I am thrown, quite unexpectedly back into the work force as a single mother. I have struggled with that since day one - without the help of my family, I would not have made it. Now, I have a new husband, new home, new step sons and I'm still struggling.

After 16 years in education, I should not feel like this. I should have been able to find a groove, a balance. A way to keep work at work, be wife and mom at home and still have some time for just me and Jesus. As it is, I work, I come home and do homework, I try to fly in and help with a bit of housework but the majority of that is falling on Steve (bless him), and then I do more work and if I'm lucky...I'll get 6 hours of sleep.

I'm not sure how long one can feel as though they are treading water, but I'm sure I'm reaching the end of the limit. I just look at the overwhelming task before me and my brain completely freezes up...I honestly don't know how to change this. I have no more hours to give, and no less work to do. I'm quite frazzled in my spirit, body, and mind right now.

I would love to find someway to teach from home. Or perhaps some way to get ahead enough and start letting the kids do more grading. However, with the expectation of cramming more curriculum in less time, I just can't seem to find a place to take 20 minutes of class time to grade something. How I wish we would take a cue from the business world and give teachers the time they need to get better, plan together, research, and implement the best practices that are out there. I wish I didn't have to take time and money away from my family to get training, purchase resources for my class, to find better lessons and ways of doing things.

I know no one ever died and said "I wish I had spent more time at work"...but I honestly don't know how to not spend as much time. I'm not trying to climb a ladder...I'm just trying to keep from drowning. I fear less time would = being overtaken. I need help...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

God of our Hearts

Blending families is not an easy task. One must really be sold out on the belief that this is best, despite the resistance from others. There are bumps and detours. If our eyes were not on Christ and the future, it would be easy to get discouraged when any of the children put up their sandbags, dig their trench and say 'today is a good day to die'.

I do not think our situation has been rough in comparison to other stories I've heard, but be sure - it's not easy on the kids. Even though they know the other parent is gone and the situation cannot go back, they will always wish in the depths of their heart that it could. Even though my kids like Steve, he's not Rob. Even though Joe and Ben like me, I'm not their mom. And that's apart from the fact that now there are two more kids demanding attention or intruding on space and resources. Two more that none of them asked for.

I didn't know what to do except pray. One thing I did get out of my divorce experience was a deeper trust and reliance on Christ. I'm not about to let that go just because I'm remarried. When I hit an obstacle, I hit my knees much quicker now a days. Gone is that old self reliance that had me bound in my youth. My age and experience has given me the wisdom to know that I am unable without Him. That I am hopelessly needy and inept. So pray I did. And not with the King James piety that makes us sound more "spiritual". I prayed a simple, earnest prayer: 'Jesus, please turn our hearts towards you and each other. Give us a love for one another that can only come from you."

And He is. :) I've seen such growth in all the boys in the past 2 weeks. I'm sure we will see set backs from time to time, but I know who is Sovereign. I know He is creating something beautiful and I'm honored to be a part of it.

Beauty for Ashes. This seems to be a theme in my life. I don't like the ashes, but the beauty that comes from it can only be of Him. It's unmistakable, and oh, so glorious.