Saturday, January 31, 2009

Having a sad day

It's been a while, but two things have happened.

First, I saw a picture of some dear friends of ours. It was the reaction of the children, upon coming home from a play date to find their dad, who had been gone for a while, finally home. It was beautiful. There was such excitement and joy not only in the kids faces, but in the fathers. You could just tell there was no where any of them would rather be than with each other. That triggered a deep longing and sadness in me. THAT is what my children are supposed to be experiencing. THAT is what I'm supposed to have. And there are still times when I don't understand why God would would have allowed that to be taken from us.

And second, I watched Fireproof. I probably shouldn't have. In that movie, the man decided that he loved his wife more than the porn - and did what was necessary to guard his heart, rather than just saying "God made me this way so I might as well enjoy it..." (what a weak and cowardly stance to take). He stopped blaming God, his wife, his mom and everyone else, stopped building himself up to be "a good person" and took responsibility for his junk. Then did something about it.

I do take comfort in this thought...the boys and I probably never had the dad in that picture to start with. And I probably never had the husband who loved me above himself to start with. Not really. It was a sham. Like the holodeck on Star Trek - so real. Interactive. But a complete fantasy. Me and the children were real. He was a poser. A fake. And I have to have hope that, because I was real, because I was faithful, that Ethan, Noah and I will experience the real...especially now that there is room for it with the removal of the fake.

My loneliness sometimes has a way of refracting the light a bit to make the lies seem like they could be truth. Like the lie that Rob may somehow be completely normal. That living with casual sexuality and abandoning your family vows and responsibilities can somehow be "OK". That Rob is a "decent guy" apart from this - that his character can be compartmentalized. I'm smart enough, during these times, to reach out and not rely on my own feelings - for feelings are deceptive. A dear friend encouraged me with this:


Why would your desire subside if you've been feeding it and growing it? That doesn't make sense. It totally makes sense that it would GROW the more you feed it. Do you know the story, "How to kill a wolf?" Eskimos put a little bit of blood on a sharp knife out in the snow. A wolf is attracted to the smell of the blood and begins to lick it. As the wolf does this, he cuts his own tongue and starts to bleed more which creates more of a blood lust in the wolf. The wolf eventually dies from his own bleeding, and he never knows it. Obviously, this is metaphor for our sin -- especially our lusts and desires. Your desire will not subside by giving in to it. That's a lie. Rob is lying if he says this is true. I KNOW this is not true. Maybe he gets bored with it for a while, but then it just takes more and different things to "fill" his empty place. THIS is why he, you and anyone else would fall prey to pornography. TO FILL AN EMPTY PLACE. The TRUTH though is that it only makes the empty place bigger.


I have to not give up - I have to keep seeking Jesus Christ as my filler for that empty place and stop entertaining the idea that Rob has actually found a way to fill it apart from Christ. My children will learn how to fill their empty place through me. Some days I feel like David, who with the strength of the Lord, slew the giant. Other days I feel like Gideon hiding in the wine press, wondering why in the world would an angel refer to me as "mighty warrior"? Why can I see the folly of the Israelites, who doubted God shortly after witnessing miracles, but I cannot see my own folly (that does the same thing) in time to stop it - or put an end to it altogether.

I've heard that Mother Teresa began her life's work based on ONE revelation from God when she was a young girl. Imagine that. She never wavered even though she never heard from Christ in that way ever again. She died doing the last thing she was commanded to do. She got her orders and set to them, and she assumed she was to continue until she heard "stop". Yet here I seek a new, fresh revelation daily, and if I don't get it, I doubt the original one. What a poor soldier I make.

Kids really do say the darndest things...

Especially 3-year-olds who are too funny for their own good.

Noah has had a bout of gastroenteritis, and it has moved to the lower colon if you know what I mean. He was complaining of a sore butt.

Mommy: "well, when we get home, we will put some cream on it."
Noah: "what the? You mean you have butt cream?"
Mommy: (trying very hard to not pee her pants) "yeah, we have butt cream."
Noah: "that's awesome."

It really must be great to be so easily impressed. Not a cynical bone in that kid's body. He genuinely meant every word. Butt cream is AWESOME!!!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Newport Aquarium













A bit pricey without any coupons or discounts, but all in all a nice little day trip. Much more than just fish. Ethan and Noah really enjoyed themselves. They got to hand feed parakeets, see divers, experience a simulated shark cage dive, and of course lots and lots of fish. They seemed to be especially intrigued by the sharks, sting rays, sea turtles, and alligators. The closest they've come to this is Underwater World in the Mall of America. This was much better and bigger. Still had the cool tunnel, but lots of other stuff, too. I enjoyed the frogs, myself. Still think tree frogs are some of the cutest things I've ever laid eyes on.

Snow days...

First snow day was a novelty. Second was a restful blessing. Third...I'm just plain bored. Boy do I appreciate MNDOT!!!

The ice that fell made the trees look like glass ornaments. Luckily, not enough to break power lines and such. We've had heat and electricity the entire time, thank the Lord!

Mommies treat: a woodpecker (female Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker)
First, we measured. Estimates showed about 3-4 inches on bottom, about 1/2 inch of ice that fell as freezing rain on top of that, then another 4-5 inches. Of course, we've heard various "official" records, but it's right around the 8-9 inches total (for the snow)
This was a better snow than the first 3 inches. This packed. We immediately set to building a snowman. While it did pack, it's been so long since I made one, my skills are rusty. So he still ended up kind of small. Noah said it was his little brother... :)



Snow angels are a staple. Noah made snow "blobs"...

Not having a garage in Ohio really stinks. I had to dig my car out from under the snow, then hit the ice. My entire car was a glacier. Ethan enjoyed using his "karate" chops and kicks to break the ice. It slid off in huge sheets. It was really cool! Difficult to remove, but cool.

This is mommy - exhausted after shoveling, building snowmen, having an all-out snowball war, and spending a total of about 1.5 hours clearing the car by the time it was driveable. Ethan told me to make an "exhausted" face. I guess technically this is more of a "dead" face...just need "x's" on my eyelids.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Fav's entry #3

Trees


Today's entry is a mixed one. I've always loved trees. The things that live on and in them. Climbing them. The smell. The sounds. The different shapes of leaves. The differing textures and colors of bark. The tall, straight ones and the short, gnarled ones. I always loved the story of the Swiss Family Robinson and envied their tree home. Trees make me feel safe, protected. Yet can be ominous and mysterious and downright scary to a young girl at night on a camping trip hearing their creaks in the wind. My heart aches whenever I see the aftermath of a storm such as Ohio had in the fall - and all the beautiful, majestic trees that are destroyed. I think trees are the main reason I like Autumn so much. Trees and sweaters. And cuddling. :)

However, this week, I had an experience with a tree indirectly that has tainted my love a bit. I walked outside to go to church Sunday morning and my WHITE van was covered in the most vile bird poop I have ever seen. Ever. In my 37 years. It was brown and chunky. It looked more like puke than poop. And we are not talking one, two or even 10 spots. These were rock and roll birds who had a drunken party all night long with every bird friend they knew and destroyed my car like a band would destroy a hotel room. I'm not even exaggerating a bit here.

Normally I am not a very vain person when it comes to my vehicles. Cars get dirty. I don't really care. They are simply a means to get me from point A to point B. But I was EMBARRASSED to drive this car to church. I did, but I wore my sunglasses and parked in the farthest spot in the lot. My cousins Tom and Melissa had a great laugh when they saw it.

All because I parked underneath a tree. A lovely tree that I told my mom and dad they should NOT, under any circumstances save disease, cut down in their front yard. Now, my loyalties are in question as I park across the street. By a pole. A branch-less, lifeless utility pole that looks like every other utility pole on my street. But at least I have a cleaner car.

A plethora of snow days

I have had more "snow days" this year alone in Ohio than I had the entire 13 years I lived in MN. And haven't had to shovel YET. It's the best of both worlds!!! :)

(sorry MN friends)

One drawback to OHIO - freezing rain. That stuff just sucks.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Noah's favorite Bible story...

I asked the kids what their favorite character or story in the Bible was the other night. Noah piped right up with....




David and the Lion's King.



They must be reading a different Bible behind my back!!! :)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

PS - last night's band

What fun! It wasn't quite the 80's cover I was expecting - it was more rock... Journey, Great White, Rush (and believe it or not, they were quite good on Tom Sawyer), Bon Jovi - I felt like I was back in high school at a dance! :) And they really were a good local garage band.

One thing I really enjoyed was the crowd. There was a group of mentally disabled adults there, and their aides, who were thoroughly enjoying the dance floor. What fun to see the absolute love of life itself and the complete enjoyment of abandonment to the music in dance. And the aides with them were not just standing on the sidelines, but right out there dancing with all their might along side of them. It was sweet and fun.

I am enjoying discovering new activities. I will definately add the local music scene to my list - I think next, I'll seek out some indy groups to see.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Fav's entry #2

Huey Lewis and the News

I'm trying to start with the "not so obvious" ones. I mean, you only have to read my profile or facebook to know I'm a Star Wars fan, or I like to listen to U2. But this is a group that I just adored in high school, and still like to listen to. They don't get as much radio play now a days (heck, they were old when they were hip...now they are just old...) but the music is timeless and fun. Simply not enough brass in today's bands.

Got to see Huey at a casino in MN one year...what a great concert! Maybe I'm thinking of them because I'm going out tonight with some friends to hear an 80's cover band. Gonna dance the night away! :)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Some of my favorite things - entry #1.

New series starts today. I would like to share some of my favorite things with you. Perhaps you will discover something new. Perhaps we will find something new we have in common. Perhaps you will in turn share with me something new to discover....

So for my first entry, I give you: Firefly
I did not have the privilege of watching this as it unfolded. I was introduced first through a reunion site of some dear high school drama friends (thank you FHS drama posse). They assured me, if I liked sci fi, that I'd love this. Some friends at my church heard me talking about it (thanks Erika and John!) and offered me their DVD collection to watch. Verdict: Not since X-files and Northern Exposure had I enjoyed a television show so much! I can't believe it only survived one season. I want more, more, more!!!!

I've still yet to get around to watching the movie Serenity, but I will.

Friday, January 16, 2009

my voice

So, I finally found a way to upload music on my blog and facebook page. Put a few songs that have been important to me this last year (or more in some cases). But, if you'd like...check out song #8 on the IPOD...it was the very first song I ever wrote. And recorded. The little church I was attending at the time made a recording of our own for there were a few of us writing our own stuff for worship at church. It's not professional by any means, but I think it's pretty darn good for a small church.

I'm so tired of not being able to sing. Or write. It feels as though my soul is in chains. I just wanted to remind myself that it's there...I just need to be patient. And trust. And believe.

Hope you enjoy it.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Semester 1 Evaluation

I can't explain how I'm feeling right now. The best description would be a "humble pride". The pride comes from the fact that I've received excellent evaluations this semester and my evaluator was very encouraging and validating. It is not an arrogant pride, but one that appreciates the acknowledgment of the skills and dedication and hard work I have been honing and fine tuning since 1994. But I am overwhelmed with humility at the way the Lord has helped me to "get back on the horse" so to speak. Honestly, I was worried about going back to full time teaching after being a stay at home mom. I felt rusty - in classroom management, in lesson planning, in creativity, in assessment, in it all, really. I was nervous that I'd flop and flounder my first year back like I did my first year teaching. But it really has been like riding a bike. The hardest adjustment for me has been learning to balance work with home and have a personal life - spiritually and socially. Still haven't got that down like I want it, but I'm learning to accept that might just be a constant chore...it's so easy for the pendulum to swing too far over here, and not far enough over there - back and forth, back and forth. Would you look at that?! The old Lori, the one that prefers the destination to the journey, is learning. Guess you CAN teach an "old dog" some new tricks! ;)

Monday, January 12, 2009

Jack Bauer Totally Rocks

I was pretty frustrated at the loss of 24 last season due to the writer's strike...but last night reminded me what a great show it is and once again, I am hooked.

I'm also looking forward to seeing my high school friend, Eric Lange, on Lost this season...Congrats again, Eric!

Friday, January 2, 2009




I took this interesting quiz on Facebook today - supposed to analyze your World View. Mine turned out a bit "new-agey" sounding which confuses me a bit...but fundamentalism is close behind, so maybe I'm OK?




You Scored as Cultural Creative
Cultural Creatives are probably the
newest
group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy
away from
organized religion but still feels as if there is something
greater than
ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not
religious. Life has a
meaning outside of the rational.
Cultural
Creative
88%
Fundamentalist
75%
Postmodernist
50%
Romanticist
50%
Existentialist
38%
Idealist
31%
Modernist
13%
Materialist
6%

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year! (edited)

Happy New Year to all our friends and family! 2009?!?!? Already?!?!?!? Where is my robot maid? Where is my replicator?

Ah, well. Here are some photos my siblings and I had taken for the holidays...