Today was my 17th anniversary. In just 2 more years, I would have been married longer than I was single - and I had no intentions of ever having it any other way.
Many lies tried to ensnare me today. But the Lord lead me to this passage to encourage me:
Prov. 31:10 "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 12She brings (her husband) good not harm all the days of her life. 25She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 29Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
My true husband and the lover of my soul has gently wrapped his arms around me and reminded me of my worth by speaking intimate words of love into my heart. A treasure is no less a treasure because a fool cannot recognize it as such. The problem lies with the fool - not the treasure. Today, I know my worth is far above rubies, that strength and dignity are my covering.
And what use does a ruby have for a fool?
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Visit from Grandma and Grandpa
Rob's parents came for a visit and had a lot of fun with the boys. The boys got to see both sets of grandparents back to back - they've really been spoiled!
I think Noah has seen me "fix" Ethan's training wheels one too many times!
Noah loves the "let me kick my feet all over while you try to get the diaper on me" game.
Ethan and Noah will never pass up a chance to wrestle - especially if it involves tag-teaming.
The always inseperable Funderburk/Ostroot gang.
I think Noah has seen me "fix" Ethan's training wheels one too many times!
Noah loves the "let me kick my feet all over while you try to get the diaper on me" game.
Ethan and Noah will never pass up a chance to wrestle - especially if it involves tag-teaming.
The always inseperable Funderburk/Ostroot gang.Friday, July 27, 2007
Ohio Trip Pictures
As promised, here is a photo journal of our Ohio trip:
Ethan is as dramatic when it comes to horseshoes as he is throwing a baseball. Or is he executing some Tai Chi movement...the happy flamingo or something. Look at that form!
Noah enjoyed just running around the trees...
And trying to pump his own head up like uncle Brandon did that ball.
Here is a rare moment that I actually got all the cousins to stand still for about 30 seconds and smile - well, except for Noah. Still cute, though.
Ethan certainly has made up for his first few years of cautious exploration - now he tries just about anything and surprises me with his daring.
At our picnic, it began to sprinkle. The kids loved it and didn't mind getting a bit wet - until uncle Brandon walked out holding a paper plate on his head for an umbrella - that's all it took. Uncle Brandon is quite the trend-setter.
Noah sharing a tender moment with Aunt Carla and Uncle Brandon.
And here was the biggest surprise - Ethan actually wanted to try a 2 wheeler without training wheels - and a big one, too. At first he was just pushing it around with his feet, but soon Grandpa jumped right in and helped out. The road being a slight downward incline helped a bit, too. Never wrecked once! Now, since we've been home, he's chickened out a bit with his own bike - I'm not gonna push him. I think it helped having older cousins that could ride already spurring him on.
Ah, this was a gift just for mommy. The kids all come running over from a playground area exclaiming there is a snake. Now this has been claimed before - and it turned out to be a worm. So, at first, I wasn't too excited. Then they said "it's eating a frog" and I took off with my camera! Always the biologist...the frog was alive until the bitter end. So cool!
Ethan is as dramatic when it comes to horseshoes as he is throwing a baseball. Or is he executing some Tai Chi movement...the happy flamingo or something. Look at that form!
Noah enjoyed just running around the trees...
And trying to pump his own head up like uncle Brandon did that ball.
Here is a rare moment that I actually got all the cousins to stand still for about 30 seconds and smile - well, except for Noah. Still cute, though.
Ethan certainly has made up for his first few years of cautious exploration - now he tries just about anything and surprises me with his daring.
At our picnic, it began to sprinkle. The kids loved it and didn't mind getting a bit wet - until uncle Brandon walked out holding a paper plate on his head for an umbrella - that's all it took. Uncle Brandon is quite the trend-setter.
Noah sharing a tender moment with Aunt Carla and Uncle Brandon.
And here was the biggest surprise - Ethan actually wanted to try a 2 wheeler without training wheels - and a big one, too. At first he was just pushing it around with his feet, but soon Grandpa jumped right in and helped out. The road being a slight downward incline helped a bit, too. Never wrecked once! Now, since we've been home, he's chickened out a bit with his own bike - I'm not gonna push him. I think it helped having older cousins that could ride already spurring him on.
Ah, this was a gift just for mommy. The kids all come running over from a playground area exclaiming there is a snake. Now this has been claimed before - and it turned out to be a worm. So, at first, I wasn't too excited. Then they said "it's eating a frog" and I took off with my camera! Always the biologist...the frog was alive until the bitter end. So cool!Ethan enjoyed some much missed wrestle time with uncle Brandon. Uncle Brandon claimed to have not sweat so much in years...
I just had to get one good photo to document my weight loss so far - and my cute new flared jeans and fitted top. I haven't bought "real" clothes for myself in years. It was kind of fun! Total weight lost: 30 lbs since June 3rd. Plus the 230 lbs or so of lies that were gone rather instantly.
And here is the "new" Funderburk family - my two brave knights in shining armor. My heros.
Ethan and Noah with "mammaw and papaw"...
And with Granny and Poppie. Poppie gets a big kick out of my boys.
What memories came flooding back of being a kid and sitting in the porch swing with your grandparents. Of course, no matter how much innocence is lost as the world and life beats on you, you can always count on family...
I just had to get one good photo to document my weight loss so far - and my cute new flared jeans and fitted top. I haven't bought "real" clothes for myself in years. It was kind of fun! Total weight lost: 30 lbs since June 3rd. Plus the 230 lbs or so of lies that were gone rather instantly.And here is the "new" Funderburk family - my two brave knights in shining armor. My heros.
Ethan and Noah with "mammaw and papaw"...
And with Granny and Poppie. Poppie gets a big kick out of my boys.
What memories came flooding back of being a kid and sitting in the porch swing with your grandparents. Of course, no matter how much innocence is lost as the world and life beats on you, you can always count on family... Monday, July 16, 2007
Bittersweet Milestones
Today we had a milestone with Ethan. He began learning to ride a 2-wheeler without any training wheels. It was so exciting and I was so proud of him! His aunt Holly and his grandpa (my dad) helped him. He was grinning from ear to ear - and didn't even fall down once! The bittersweet part comes from that fact that this is a moment I always pictured him sharing with his daddy. Ah, well...guess there will be a lot of those in the future. I just gotta not make a big deal about it to him and he won't even know the difference. Just part of the sadness that is my burden to bear for now. I will post pictures as soon as I get home so you all can see it!
I'm so grateful that God's grace has surrounded my boys and He has sent many Godly, positive men to pour into their lives. From the simple, daily things such as wrestling time with my brother or our dear friend Eric Ostroot, to the more complex, permanent life-kind of things and disciplines. Both of my boys have amazingly embraced more prayer time, praise time and even seem to be absorbing more in their Biblical education times. And, even though it is technically the "dad's" role, since we don't have one around, I've taken the reins of pronouncing a blessing on them every evening - they really relish this! It's a special moment between us all.
Just another testimony to God's faithfulness and goodness. How could I ever fall away from a love so sweet and pure?
I'm so grateful that God's grace has surrounded my boys and He has sent many Godly, positive men to pour into their lives. From the simple, daily things such as wrestling time with my brother or our dear friend Eric Ostroot, to the more complex, permanent life-kind of things and disciplines. Both of my boys have amazingly embraced more prayer time, praise time and even seem to be absorbing more in their Biblical education times. And, even though it is technically the "dad's" role, since we don't have one around, I've taken the reins of pronouncing a blessing on them every evening - they really relish this! It's a special moment between us all.
Just another testimony to God's faithfulness and goodness. How could I ever fall away from a love so sweet and pure?
Friday, July 13, 2007
Family
My boys and I are in Ohio for a week. My aunt Para passed away and I thought it was a good excuse to get away and be with my family for a bit. It's bittersweet, given both my aunt's death and my husband's betrayal, but it's good to be around people who've loved you for your entire life unconditionally.
In spite of the sadness, one of the things that is kind of fun is my weight loss. I've updated my look with some cute, hip clothes now that I'm down a few sizes and since my family hasn't seen me in a while, it's a more dramatic response. And, with the wedding ring gone, it's a bit weird being noticed by other men as well. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time - but it feels a bit like high school/college! :) Of course the kind of attention I may be getting right now is just the same kind of attention my husband is giving other women, so it's just meaningless fluff and not what I want or need right now...but it feels good to be reminded that you are an attractive, vibrant woman.
Anyway, my family has been very supportive and so far the visit has been a positive thing. I was a bit nervous at the possibility of questions and reactions, but I've been pleasantly relieved at their restraint from pushing too hard for information, but willingness to lend a shoulder or hug.
You know - another testimony to the Grace of God - my sons seem to be just fine. They are surrounded by strong, Godly men who are pouring into their lives and Christ is proving himself to be a father to them and husband to me.
Keep praying! I love you all.
In spite of the sadness, one of the things that is kind of fun is my weight loss. I've updated my look with some cute, hip clothes now that I'm down a few sizes and since my family hasn't seen me in a while, it's a more dramatic response. And, with the wedding ring gone, it's a bit weird being noticed by other men as well. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time - but it feels a bit like high school/college! :) Of course the kind of attention I may be getting right now is just the same kind of attention my husband is giving other women, so it's just meaningless fluff and not what I want or need right now...but it feels good to be reminded that you are an attractive, vibrant woman.
Anyway, my family has been very supportive and so far the visit has been a positive thing. I was a bit nervous at the possibility of questions and reactions, but I've been pleasantly relieved at their restraint from pushing too hard for information, but willingness to lend a shoulder or hug.
You know - another testimony to the Grace of God - my sons seem to be just fine. They are surrounded by strong, Godly men who are pouring into their lives and Christ is proving himself to be a father to them and husband to me.
Keep praying! I love you all.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Overcoming Sin
God orchestrates things in very interesting ways, doesn't He? The class I'm taking on Sunday nights has been difficult on ocassion, given my present circumstances, but none-the-less Biblically sound and true. Truth usually isn't easy is it?
Last nights lesson was on overcoming the power of sin. Boy did I sit there rehashing the last month of pointless, futile conversations with Robert on that one. Here is the breakdown:
#1 - Learn why past efforts have failed. (We attempt to beat it ourselves. We want victory, yet want to enjoy the sin as well = doublemindedness. We are ignorant on what it really means to live in Christ. We make foolish fleshly provision for the sin. And we keep it shrouded in secrecy - every single one of these I've seen in Robert.)
#2 - Learn what it means to be "in Christ". (We benefit from our fathers' obediance as Levi was credited for Abraham's tithes. We also reap the consequences of our fathers' disobediance as we are born into Adam's sin. Since both of these are true, when we join Christ in the new birth, then what He did, we also did as a part of Him. i.e. - if he fulfilled the law and lived perfectly, then we fulfill the law and live perfectly - IN HIM)
#3 - Learn how to turn our position "in Christ" into daily experience. (acheived by the hearing of faith, asking for wisdom and revelation, and trusting God's Word rather than our human reasoning. For instance - God promised Abraham a son. He believed and it was credited to him as righteousness even though it was foolish and impossible according to human reasoning. Therefore, if we trust God's word when he says we are dead to sin, and believe it, then we can walk sinless. Our victory is already won in Christ. We simply turn that truth into reality through reckoning it so and yeilding to God's Spirit.
Now how do we "reckon"? By engrafting His word into our souls. Especially Romans 6 and Romans 8:1-15. This is more than meditation or memorization. It has to be second nature - to the point where we could quote it while sleeping. Then we meditate on it always - wording it in first person and even naming the sin (ex - "what shall I say then, shall I continue in lust or greed so that grace may abound? God forbid! I died to lust and greed; how can I live in it any longer?...). Then, I should make no provision for it. If the problem is lust, remove it from my home, work place, car, radio, TV,etc. If the problem is gluttony, get rid of extra and junk food. If the problem is lying, find someone to keep me accountable for every word out of my mouth. Next, picture yourself dead to the power and appeal of that sin. How would a dead man react to a seductress? Ignore her. To a lot of money? Ignore it. To a huge, scrumptious meal? Ignore it. The next step is the most important - accountability. Daily. It's clearly the early church model and we've lost sight of it under the guise of "privacy" and "not airing out my dirty laundry". Secrecy is the devil's most potent weapon. Last, we are to not only live "dead to sin" but "alive to righteousness" by recognizing and obeying the scriptural prompting of God's Spirit. To not only NOT do what is wrong, but to DO what is right. The instructor compared the law of sin to the law of gravity and an eagle. If an eagle who is soaring tucks in his wings, he will be subject to the law of gravity and will begin to plunge. If he keep the wings tucked, he has no choice but to crash. However, if he simply, with very little effort, spreads those wings, then a new law takes over - the law of lift. Because he was created to fly. And man was created in the image of God to live sinlessly. All we have to do is spread our wings of being "in Christ" and being "dead to sin" and we are no longer subject to the law of sin. But, WE have to do it. We cannot sit back and expect God to reach down and pull our wings out for us while we plummet.
This is a hard but timely teaching as I struggle with sinful attitudes such as hate, bitterness and vengence. And also as I am tempted with the same lusts my husband has embraced - I suppose part of that comes from the fact that he brought it in the home and the marriage bed - that he exposed me to it. And the other part comes from the fact that for 17 years I enjoyed a beautiful, Godly physical relationship with my husband that has now been cut off for me. But I have set in my heart that I will make no provision and I will embrace truth and engraft God's word into my heart that I might not sin against Him, or myself, or my friends and family, or my sons. My sons are innocent in all of this and I MUST make every decision in their best interest. There is no room for me to be selfish here. Their souls are much more important than any momentary temptation of deed or attitude. And now I have to fight against the onslaught their earthly father has unleashed. I have to pour into them truth, and remove the lies and deception and curses. I have to protect against the consequences they will inevitably face due to the disobediance and rebelliousness of their earthly father. I have to teach them what it means to let God be the only father they need.
May Christ be glorified. Please continue to lift me, Ethan and Noah up in your prayers.
Last nights lesson was on overcoming the power of sin. Boy did I sit there rehashing the last month of pointless, futile conversations with Robert on that one. Here is the breakdown:
#1 - Learn why past efforts have failed. (We attempt to beat it ourselves. We want victory, yet want to enjoy the sin as well = doublemindedness. We are ignorant on what it really means to live in Christ. We make foolish fleshly provision for the sin. And we keep it shrouded in secrecy - every single one of these I've seen in Robert.)
#2 - Learn what it means to be "in Christ". (We benefit from our fathers' obediance as Levi was credited for Abraham's tithes. We also reap the consequences of our fathers' disobediance as we are born into Adam's sin. Since both of these are true, when we join Christ in the new birth, then what He did, we also did as a part of Him. i.e. - if he fulfilled the law and lived perfectly, then we fulfill the law and live perfectly - IN HIM)
#3 - Learn how to turn our position "in Christ" into daily experience. (acheived by the hearing of faith, asking for wisdom and revelation, and trusting God's Word rather than our human reasoning. For instance - God promised Abraham a son. He believed and it was credited to him as righteousness even though it was foolish and impossible according to human reasoning. Therefore, if we trust God's word when he says we are dead to sin, and believe it, then we can walk sinless. Our victory is already won in Christ. We simply turn that truth into reality through reckoning it so and yeilding to God's Spirit.
Now how do we "reckon"? By engrafting His word into our souls. Especially Romans 6 and Romans 8:1-15. This is more than meditation or memorization. It has to be second nature - to the point where we could quote it while sleeping. Then we meditate on it always - wording it in first person and even naming the sin (ex - "what shall I say then, shall I continue in lust or greed so that grace may abound? God forbid! I died to lust and greed; how can I live in it any longer?...). Then, I should make no provision for it. If the problem is lust, remove it from my home, work place, car, radio, TV,etc. If the problem is gluttony, get rid of extra and junk food. If the problem is lying, find someone to keep me accountable for every word out of my mouth. Next, picture yourself dead to the power and appeal of that sin. How would a dead man react to a seductress? Ignore her. To a lot of money? Ignore it. To a huge, scrumptious meal? Ignore it. The next step is the most important - accountability. Daily. It's clearly the early church model and we've lost sight of it under the guise of "privacy" and "not airing out my dirty laundry". Secrecy is the devil's most potent weapon. Last, we are to not only live "dead to sin" but "alive to righteousness" by recognizing and obeying the scriptural prompting of God's Spirit. To not only NOT do what is wrong, but to DO what is right. The instructor compared the law of sin to the law of gravity and an eagle. If an eagle who is soaring tucks in his wings, he will be subject to the law of gravity and will begin to plunge. If he keep the wings tucked, he has no choice but to crash. However, if he simply, with very little effort, spreads those wings, then a new law takes over - the law of lift. Because he was created to fly. And man was created in the image of God to live sinlessly. All we have to do is spread our wings of being "in Christ" and being "dead to sin" and we are no longer subject to the law of sin. But, WE have to do it. We cannot sit back and expect God to reach down and pull our wings out for us while we plummet.
This is a hard but timely teaching as I struggle with sinful attitudes such as hate, bitterness and vengence. And also as I am tempted with the same lusts my husband has embraced - I suppose part of that comes from the fact that he brought it in the home and the marriage bed - that he exposed me to it. And the other part comes from the fact that for 17 years I enjoyed a beautiful, Godly physical relationship with my husband that has now been cut off for me. But I have set in my heart that I will make no provision and I will embrace truth and engraft God's word into my heart that I might not sin against Him, or myself, or my friends and family, or my sons. My sons are innocent in all of this and I MUST make every decision in their best interest. There is no room for me to be selfish here. Their souls are much more important than any momentary temptation of deed or attitude. And now I have to fight against the onslaught their earthly father has unleashed. I have to pour into them truth, and remove the lies and deception and curses. I have to protect against the consequences they will inevitably face due to the disobediance and rebelliousness of their earthly father. I have to teach them what it means to let God be the only father they need.
May Christ be glorified. Please continue to lift me, Ethan and Noah up in your prayers.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
He is Faithful and True
In spite of the mess and in spite of my human frailties and mistakes, I must take a moment to reflect and testify of the goodness and faithfulness of my God.
I have always been one who helped. I have always been one who was self sufficient. Now, when I find myself in a time of great need, I find the body of Christ doing exactly what we are told to do - without even having to ask for it. I cannot describe to those of you who are not here the amazing support I am receiving - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Friends and fellow Christians have rallied around me and my sons like I never imagined and are giving so freely of their time, love, and resources. It reminds me of that song "Held"...
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It’s unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
Our summer sermon series is on character. Interesting "coincidence", huh? Isn't it amazing how God knows just what you need when you need it? Today was on courage. Courage to choose to do what's right, courage to face your fears, courage to get back in the game when life hits you upside the head, courage to live with the consequences of someone else's choices. The emphasis keeps returning to this: God is much more interested in the development of my character than in my comfort level.
It's easy to say "I believe in the whole truth of scripture" when everything is rosey and soft. But to really live out what I believe to be true when it is not fun, happy, comfortable, or even "fair" - well, that's what it's about isn't it? It's either true or not. My circumstances have nothing to do with it. I either believe it all, or I don't believe it at all.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not some sadist who would have chosen this path. I still don't want to walk it, really. But this life is temporary and it's not about me - it's about bringing Glory to Christ Jesus and being molded in His image so I can spend eternity with Him, and bring as many people along as I can. If my momentary sufferings can lift Him up, then THY WILL BE DONE, LORD. I'm reminded of James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that it seems easier to just let the hatred and bitterness consume me. After all, that will make the pain of loving Rob go away faster, won't it? But that is the deception. Hatred and bitterness does nothing but harm me. It will keep me from receiving and giving love - to my children, my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to my fellow human. And to any future husband should the Lord have that for me. For now, I must focus on allowing Christ to be my everything - my husband, my provider, my comforter, my companion, my friend, my warrior, my defender, a father to my sons, my hiding place, my covering, my protection. It's all there - in His names. I just have to allow Him to be those things for me. I feel like my whole life has been a never ending lesson in letting go and learning to trust. Just when I think I've learned it, I find I know nothing. The stakes get higher. But if it makes me more like my Savior, if it points even one more person to the cross, then no price is too great, no stake is too high, no trial is too hard, and no suffering too much to endure. "To know Christ in the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings..."
In Christ, I can do all things. I want to walk through this storm with my head held high knowing my Lord and Master is proud of me. And knowing I brought honor to him. And knowing I have sown the seeds of blessing and life for my sons - not curses and death. I am not perfect and have already stumbled during the last 4 weeks - a lot. But His mercies are renewed to me every day. And His grace reminds me that stumbling is not a sin - unless I stay down.
I, with Paul, "consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Rom. 8:18) and say "who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:35-39)
In spite of the pain and hurt Rob has caused and continues to cause me, I sense that peace that surpasses understanding as Christ is continually reminding me that He is faithful and true - even though my husband was and is not.
Please continue to pray for Ethan, Noah and myself. And pray for Rob - he is so completely consumed by the lies. It's frustrating to talk to him because of the contradictions from one moment to the next and the obvious cluelessness he has about the whole thing. It's very sad to see his mind, once full of wisdom, to be so taken over by foolishness. I'm taking this class on Sunday nights and one lesson outlined the steps towards becoming reprobate (when you believe the lie so completely you can't see that your wrong). There are about 13 steps - I can clearly see each step Rob has taken. Step #7 is the turning place - it is one's response to guilt. At that point, you can either repent and head back down the ladder away from reprobation, or you can have an incomplete repentance ("please forgive me for this action or consequence" instead of "forgive me for my evil heart, change me and save me from myself" and head up the ladder. Step #9 is religious compensation - I suppose that's where Rob has been for years. It's not a true relationship with Christ - it's a "if I can only do what is good and right everything will be fine". Now he has passed step #10 - frustration over drives and teetering between #11 - re-examining scripture (he denies that consequences that are clearly laid out will happen to him and seems to think the nature of this sin as outlined in scripture doesn't apply in his circumstance - i.e. that he will eventually just tire of this without any fight whatsoever and the lust will just go away) and #12 - justifying immorality (if I just give in, I will get sick of it and want to repent eventually - almost as if continuous cheating on me is OK because it will eventually free him to reconcile with me) with glimpses of the last step, #13 - argumentation ("this is the only thing I believe will work for me, so it's not up for discussion.") His soul is in real jeopardy.
I have always been one who helped. I have always been one who was self sufficient. Now, when I find myself in a time of great need, I find the body of Christ doing exactly what we are told to do - without even having to ask for it. I cannot describe to those of you who are not here the amazing support I am receiving - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Friends and fellow Christians have rallied around me and my sons like I never imagined and are giving so freely of their time, love, and resources. It reminds me of that song "Held"...
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It’s unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
Our summer sermon series is on character. Interesting "coincidence", huh? Isn't it amazing how God knows just what you need when you need it? Today was on courage. Courage to choose to do what's right, courage to face your fears, courage to get back in the game when life hits you upside the head, courage to live with the consequences of someone else's choices. The emphasis keeps returning to this: God is much more interested in the development of my character than in my comfort level.
It's easy to say "I believe in the whole truth of scripture" when everything is rosey and soft. But to really live out what I believe to be true when it is not fun, happy, comfortable, or even "fair" - well, that's what it's about isn't it? It's either true or not. My circumstances have nothing to do with it. I either believe it all, or I don't believe it at all.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not some sadist who would have chosen this path. I still don't want to walk it, really. But this life is temporary and it's not about me - it's about bringing Glory to Christ Jesus and being molded in His image so I can spend eternity with Him, and bring as many people along as I can. If my momentary sufferings can lift Him up, then THY WILL BE DONE, LORD. I'm reminded of James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that it seems easier to just let the hatred and bitterness consume me. After all, that will make the pain of loving Rob go away faster, won't it? But that is the deception. Hatred and bitterness does nothing but harm me. It will keep me from receiving and giving love - to my children, my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to my fellow human. And to any future husband should the Lord have that for me. For now, I must focus on allowing Christ to be my everything - my husband, my provider, my comforter, my companion, my friend, my warrior, my defender, a father to my sons, my hiding place, my covering, my protection. It's all there - in His names. I just have to allow Him to be those things for me. I feel like my whole life has been a never ending lesson in letting go and learning to trust. Just when I think I've learned it, I find I know nothing. The stakes get higher. But if it makes me more like my Savior, if it points even one more person to the cross, then no price is too great, no stake is too high, no trial is too hard, and no suffering too much to endure. "To know Christ in the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings..."
In Christ, I can do all things. I want to walk through this storm with my head held high knowing my Lord and Master is proud of me. And knowing I brought honor to him. And knowing I have sown the seeds of blessing and life for my sons - not curses and death. I am not perfect and have already stumbled during the last 4 weeks - a lot. But His mercies are renewed to me every day. And His grace reminds me that stumbling is not a sin - unless I stay down.
I, with Paul, "consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Rom. 8:18) and say "who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:35-39)
In spite of the pain and hurt Rob has caused and continues to cause me, I sense that peace that surpasses understanding as Christ is continually reminding me that He is faithful and true - even though my husband was and is not.
Please continue to pray for Ethan, Noah and myself. And pray for Rob - he is so completely consumed by the lies. It's frustrating to talk to him because of the contradictions from one moment to the next and the obvious cluelessness he has about the whole thing. It's very sad to see his mind, once full of wisdom, to be so taken over by foolishness. I'm taking this class on Sunday nights and one lesson outlined the steps towards becoming reprobate (when you believe the lie so completely you can't see that your wrong). There are about 13 steps - I can clearly see each step Rob has taken. Step #7 is the turning place - it is one's response to guilt. At that point, you can either repent and head back down the ladder away from reprobation, or you can have an incomplete repentance ("please forgive me for this action or consequence" instead of "forgive me for my evil heart, change me and save me from myself" and head up the ladder. Step #9 is religious compensation - I suppose that's where Rob has been for years. It's not a true relationship with Christ - it's a "if I can only do what is good and right everything will be fine". Now he has passed step #10 - frustration over drives and teetering between #11 - re-examining scripture (he denies that consequences that are clearly laid out will happen to him and seems to think the nature of this sin as outlined in scripture doesn't apply in his circumstance - i.e. that he will eventually just tire of this without any fight whatsoever and the lust will just go away) and #12 - justifying immorality (if I just give in, I will get sick of it and want to repent eventually - almost as if continuous cheating on me is OK because it will eventually free him to reconcile with me) with glimpses of the last step, #13 - argumentation ("this is the only thing I believe will work for me, so it's not up for discussion.") His soul is in real jeopardy.
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