He is Faithful and True

In spite of the mess and in spite of my human frailties and mistakes, I must take a moment to reflect and testify of the goodness and faithfulness of my God.

I have always been one who helped. I have always been one who was self sufficient. Now, when I find myself in a time of great need, I find the body of Christ doing exactly what we are told to do - without even having to ask for it. I cannot describe to those of you who are not here the amazing support I am receiving - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Friends and fellow Christians have rallied around me and my sons like I never imagined and are giving so freely of their time, love, and resources. It reminds me of that song "Held"...

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

Our summer sermon series is on character. Interesting "coincidence", huh? Isn't it amazing how God knows just what you need when you need it? Today was on courage. Courage to choose to do what's right, courage to face your fears, courage to get back in the game when life hits you upside the head, courage to live with the consequences of someone else's choices. The emphasis keeps returning to this: God is much more interested in the development of my character than in my comfort level.

It's easy to say "I believe in the whole truth of scripture" when everything is rosey and soft. But to really live out what I believe to be true when it is not fun, happy, comfortable, or even "fair" - well, that's what it's about isn't it? It's either true or not. My circumstances have nothing to do with it. I either believe it all, or I don't believe it at all.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not some sadist who would have chosen this path. I still don't want to walk it, really. But this life is temporary and it's not about me - it's about bringing Glory to Christ Jesus and being molded in His image so I can spend eternity with Him, and bring as many people along as I can. If my momentary sufferings can lift Him up, then THY WILL BE DONE, LORD. I'm reminded of James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I know that it seems easier to just let the hatred and bitterness consume me. After all, that will make the pain of loving Rob go away faster, won't it? But that is the deception. Hatred and bitterness does nothing but harm me. It will keep me from receiving and giving love - to my children, my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to my fellow human. And to any future husband should the Lord have that for me. For now, I must focus on allowing Christ to be my everything - my husband, my provider, my comforter, my companion, my friend, my warrior, my defender, a father to my sons, my hiding place, my covering, my protection. It's all there - in His names. I just have to allow Him to be those things for me. I feel like my whole life has been a never ending lesson in letting go and learning to trust. Just when I think I've learned it, I find I know nothing. The stakes get higher. But if it makes me more like my Savior, if it points even one more person to the cross, then no price is too great, no stake is too high, no trial is too hard, and no suffering too much to endure. "To know Christ in the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings..."

In Christ, I can do all things. I want to walk through this storm with my head held high knowing my Lord and Master is proud of me. And knowing I brought honor to him. And knowing I have sown the seeds of blessing and life for my sons - not curses and death. I am not perfect and have already stumbled during the last 4 weeks - a lot. But His mercies are renewed to me every day. And His grace reminds me that stumbling is not a sin - unless I stay down.

I, with Paul, "consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Rom. 8:18) and say "who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:35-39)

In spite of the pain and hurt Rob has caused and continues to cause me, I sense that peace that surpasses understanding as Christ is continually reminding me that He is faithful and true - even though my husband was and is not.

Please continue to pray for Ethan, Noah and myself. And pray for Rob - he is so completely consumed by the lies. It's frustrating to talk to him because of the contradictions from one moment to the next and the obvious cluelessness he has about the whole thing. It's very sad to see his mind, once full of wisdom, to be so taken over by foolishness. I'm taking this class on Sunday nights and one lesson outlined the steps towards becoming reprobate (when you believe the lie so completely you can't see that your wrong). There are about 13 steps - I can clearly see each step Rob has taken. Step #7 is the turning place - it is one's response to guilt. At that point, you can either repent and head back down the ladder away from reprobation, or you can have an incomplete repentance ("please forgive me for this action or consequence" instead of "forgive me for my evil heart, change me and save me from myself" and head up the ladder. Step #9 is religious compensation - I suppose that's where Rob has been for years. It's not a true relationship with Christ - it's a "if I can only do what is good and right everything will be fine". Now he has passed step #10 - frustration over drives and teetering between #11 - re-examining scripture (he denies that consequences that are clearly laid out will happen to him and seems to think the nature of this sin as outlined in scripture doesn't apply in his circumstance - i.e. that he will eventually just tire of this without any fight whatsoever and the lust will just go away) and #12 - justifying immorality (if I just give in, I will get sick of it and want to repent eventually - almost as if continuous cheating on me is OK because it will eventually free him to reconcile with me) with glimpses of the last step, #13 - argumentation ("this is the only thing I believe will work for me, so it's not up for discussion.") His soul is in real jeopardy.