Festival of Lights

I got to treat my boys to a childhood tradition of mine - going to the Cincy Zoo for the Festival of Lights! It was bigger than I remember it, which is odd - usually things you revisit as an adult seem smaller than you remember them as a child. The boys had a blast with all their cousins, aunts, and uncles and of course mamaw and papaw. We enjoyed seeing the animals, the beautiful light displays, pop corn and hot chocolate. And mommy enjoyed not freezing her tuckus off like I would be if I were in MN! :)

It's especially nice feeling a part of something bigger - not just me and the boys. And having help in keeping up with them and getting them ready to go places, etc. And even having someone to help in the middle of the night with the terrors, coughing, fevers and so on. I love these boys and would do anything and sacrifice everything for them, but being a single parent is hard work and having help makes a big difference to them and me. Having other people besides mommy to see the cool stuff, hear the secrets, laugh at the jokes, watch your trick, attend to your needs - that's important.

They also love having so many men around to affirm and validate them. Yes, they have that in many friends and brothers in our church, but I can see a difference in them having it daily through grandpa, uncle Brandon, cousin Tom, etc. Why papaw even showed them how to shave this week. Ethan thinks he's something else now! I already call him "the man of the house" and that makes him feel really special. But being "let in" on such a manly ritual and rite of passage...now he's feeling very grown up. He has a Transformers shaving kit and couldn't wait to show me how he shaves when I bathed him. So cute. So precious. And he's growing up so fast. I don't want to miss a moment.

But I keep trying to remind them as I tuck them in, pray over them, and bless them - Jesus is really all they need. Not mommy, grandpa and grandma, cousins - just Jesus. I remind them to tell Him everything...how they feel, what they are thinking about, even questions they have or jokes they want to share. This is the same lesson mommy is having to learn, too. I never intended for my boys to learn so early that life is cruel and unfair - because of sin and the nature of man's heart, but here we are learning it way before I felt they were ready. And not through a stranger, but through someone they love. But it certainly is a great way to illustrate that man will always fail - but God never will. NEVER.

New Year's is coming up. New beginnings. New adventures. New changes. I wonder where our journey will take us in 2008? I am confident that as long as I hold to the hand of God, and follow His steps, that it will be OK. Safe? Happy? Perfect? Probably not. But that's the adventure. It will be exciting, risky, joyous and perfecting. For me and the boys. As for me and my household...we will serve the Lord-and EXPECT the wonder that can only come from a life abandoned and submitted to Christ. As I heard in a recent sermon- Christians were never meant to be ordinary, "normal", status-quo kind of people. We are BARBARIANS. We go against the flow. We buck the system. We are risk-takers. We seem foolish to the world. Reckless Abandon to the One who gives Reckless Mercy. As I journey, I'm noticing that the path isn't getting easier, but it IS getting clearer. Everyday, every moment there is a choice to be made. Death or life? Rebellion or obedience? Curses or blessing? And though the world tries it's best to make the choices seem gray and muddled, the closer I draw to Him, the more distinct the choices are.

This year, when the clock strikes midnight, I will kiss TWO "men" and spend the evening in the arms of the lover of my soul. Because I have a choice - I choose life. I choose hope. I choose Christ.

Lunch at good 'ol LaRosa's pizzeria

Thanks to Mare for the pics. I'll be downloading all the ones I took once I'm home in MN. These were some of my drama/Choralier friends from FHS. Several of us met for lunch on Wednesday...

...and as usual, Noah ended up wearing a spaghetti beard.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Just wanted to wish everyone a very Christ-filled Christmas and a wonderful 2008! We are having a great time with family in Ohio. It's been really good to be with people who love you. We have been blessed abundantly by family, friends, and people who don't even know us. I am once again, amazed by God and his abundant, perfect and unconditional love for me and my children.

I had the great privilege to catch up with some old high school drama/Choralier buddies of mine at a Christmas party on Sunday! Thanks to the efforts of Dave P. who started a reunion site, many of us have become re-acquainted and was in town for the holidays. So one of the gals hosted a little get together for us. It was fun to catch up and amazing to see where we all have been, are, and are going - and what many have become. We have doctors, lawyers, actors, musicians, teachers, nurses, business masterminds, top secret government IT guys... you name it and someone in this group does it. I get to have lunch with a few of them tomorrow before we all start scattering the country once again. So here is a shout-out to my FHS peeps (that just sounds so pathetic coming from a 36 year old mother, huh?) :) We missed those of you who could not make it (especially Tom who was supposed to stay at my Grandma's house but who wimped out last minute because of weather. You owe me a reunion, dude. :) )

I will post pics as soon as I get back to MN. Don't worry Chris...I will protect your identity and not post any pics of you on my site. ;)

Christmas '07

Being that this is our first Christmas without daddy, I was afraid I would have a hard time making it special, let alone providing gifts given the current financial situation with the pending divorce. However, once again, God's love and grace has been poured out pressed down, shaken together, and running over! The Body of Christ has responded as His hands and feet, and my boys are enjoying one of the best Christmas' they've ever had, apart from the relational aspect of not having their father be a part of it. Grace is covering them in that area, however, as they are young enough that it's not effecting them too much.

My concern now is to make sure this 1)does not set a precedent for future years - I could not afford it! and 2)that I'm able to get the true Christmas message through all the "gettin'". I plan to have them pick out at least one new toy they recieved to give away. We sat and talked about Christmas being when God GAVE us something precious without asking anything in return from us - we had nothing to give. And talked about how people and helping/giving is better than what we get. Then we talked about how it would be better to get zero presents, but have daddy come back to the Lord and be at home because Jesus still loves him and misses him just like we do. We said a prayer of thankfulness for Emmanuel, for God's love and blessings being bestowed upon us through His followers, and for Rob. Then they tore in....

A little visit from sunny SC...

Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk came for a visit last week and had an early Christmas with the boys. It was bittersweet to spend time with them, especially with Rob's absence. But they are my family and have been for half of my life. And no divorce decree will change that. Please lift them up in your prayers. They are just as heart broken and confounded as the rest of us who love Rob.

Ethan got "Optimus Prime" for Christmas. He has slept with this thing every night since! :)

Took us a full hour just to figure out how to "transform" it between a truck and robot. The pictures in the instructions are rather worthless.

Noah was completely mesmerized by the kaleidoscope. It makes me smile when the simplest toys bring the most wonder. Who needs batteries or flashing lights?

Ethan and Noah have begun a "I want to sleep in bubby's bed" phase...at least a couple of times a week. I figure it won't last long, so why not. They think they are having a "sleep over". It's sweet.

The boys always appreciate time to wrestle and tickle with Grandpa!

Ethan was quite proud of his "Gingerbread" House and wanted us to snap some pics of the finished project. What have I learned about my son by doing this project with him? That he did not get my sense of orderliness and spacial balance. He just haphazardly threw candy all over it. I've had to learn to let some things go... :) Of course, you can probably pick out my contribution right away - the straight row of alternating striped chocolate chips on the roof. Yep. Balanced and orderly. I don't do abstract well.

Ethan was proud to show off his school work.
Noah has discovered the world of telecommunication. There is nothing he loves better than a phone. He and Ethan will play talking on the phone for very long periods of time.


You may think this is just Grandpa enjoying some cuddle time. Personally, I think he got down to change a diaper and just couldn't get back up again. ;)

overlooked fall fun...

Boy, as I emptied out my camera, I realized just how long it's been since I downloaded any of the pics I had taken. So here is a flashback to our time this past fall. We had some beautiful colors here in MN and great weather! This was one of the most colorful trees I've ever seen - and it took it a long time (by MN standards) to finally fade and loose it's leaves. We really enjoyed the show!

This year we tried a different apple orchard and went with our good friends from church - the Forbes Family. We had a blast. Their oldest, Jaben, is one of Ethan's buddies from Sunday School. Pictured is Ethan and Noah, and Jaben and Myla Forbes.

The boys just hanging out and being silly. Myla had given up on them at this point and moved on to more interesting things... :)

This year for Fall Festival, Ethan wanted to be a Power Ranger. Why? I have NO idea - he's never seen one that I'm aware of. Nor does he possess any secret powers of own weird weaponry or communicative device, so I'm pretty sure he isn't one himself. I honestly don't know how he even knew what a power ranger is! Noah is a "fire dog".

Fall was GREAT this year. And we scored nicely on the candy! :)

"Gingerbread" houses

Here is Ethan and mommy working together to make our very first "Gingerbread" house. Ethan's teacher had the great idea of hot gluing the graham crackers to 2 pint cartons of milk. All we had to do is slather on the frosting and garnish with the candy! Ethan used a chocolate bar for his chimney.

Afterwards, we played tinker toys for a while. Ethan built robots. I swear, I was only there for about 15 minutes and he had no less than 4 little girls in his class come by and ask him what he was doing... ;)

I'm behind

with regards to pictures and updates regarding the kids and such. I will try to catch up in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to helping Ethan build a gingerbread house tomorrow in school! A first for BOTH of us! Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk will be there, too. We are going to have a blast.

You know, having less time with my children sure makes me appreciate the time I do get and makes me think more creative about making it special, and not just popping in a video or something. I realize how much I took for granted being with them all day. I still believe that is the ideal - for kids to be in the presence of a Godly parent MOST of the time, but there is grace to cover my kids. I will not squander any more time with them. Nor will I worry. I am learning to let God be God, and to stop trying to be God for them. After all HE is all they need... and some people and some situations are simply not worth fretting over.

You know, there was a freedom in being childless that I vaguely remember. And single parenthood is even less "freedom" as you are picking up the slack for the other, irresponsible party who does not value the inherit human obligations that come with parenthood and family life. But...to miss out on the smiles, hugs, laughs, horseplay, jokes, silliness, learning moments, discussions of life and faith... I may not be as "free" as I was, but I certainly am living much more than I was. To know that you and you alone can kiss the boo-boo all better, can cuddle the scaries away, can soothe a troubled heart or sick body. To know you helped to give life and have a part in sustaining it. To mold and shape a life and be molded and shaped yourself as well. To know you are the most important person to someone else. To share life, love, dreams, hopes and the future. To live with purpose, destiny, peace, joy....

and NO REGRETS.

THAT is real freedom.

White washed tombs

Had an unfortunate glimpse of Rob's new life this week when I had to go check out his apartment before leaving my precious son in his care for an entire day - Ethan had pink eye, I had to work - I really had no other options. I knew it would be emotional...

Rob has surrounded himself with "beautiful" things, even without the income to do so...a new bed, antique desk, nice plants, lamps, decor, new dishes and wine glasses and 2 closets full of clothes and shoes. Yes, you read right. We shared one closet all our married life and now he has enough clothes and shoes to fill 2 all by himself. He keeps scented candles burning and air fresheners going constantly, and while we were there, was in a constant state of agitation as the kids messed up his cushions, spilled a bit on the floor, or got too close to his nice lamp. Obsessive compulsive comes to mind.

Of course it was a stab in my heart again - he loves his new life, his freedom, his "friends" and his stuff. While I am sleep deprived and desperately missing time with my kids as I work at a frantic pace to make income to keep it all together, while I haven't cooked in ages and me and the boys seem to be living off of fast food, while I'm dragging my kids out of bed at 6:30 AM when they are used to sleeping until 9 and hauling them all over the place for someone else to care for them all day, while I am frustrated with celibacy after 17 years of beautiful, meaningful, REGULAR intimacy, while my closet and home is full of thrift store bargains, he is living it up with seemingly no consequences and loving every minute of it feeling absolutley no regret about what it has done or is doing to me, the kids or anyone else.

But as I got home that night and let the tears flow into my Savior's lap, I kept hearing "white washed tombs". God was showing me its just all part of the facade that is his life. Nothing is real. Nothing is true. Even the nice, new things were purchased on credit he cannot afford - they are not his, he is only getting to borrow them for a short while. He is surrounding himself with as much distraction as he can - anything to try to cover up the look, feel, and stench of the spiritual death and rot that is his life. It's just more medication. And like the alcohol and women, it, too will not satisfy or cover up the stench for long. The smell of decomposition has a way of overpowering everything else eventually. The Bible describes this as "white washed tombs - full of dead men's bones". They may look nice on the outside - but they are still just graves filled with corpses.

It was disturbing to see his place and see how he acted in it with the kids there. It hurt, but it also was a very powerful visual reminder that he is not the same person on ANY level - he was always neat, but never obsessed with it. And stuff was not important to him. But now, this is all he has and all he can control, so understandably it has higher priority than his children feeling free to play. It's especially weird to have a visual representation adn object lesson so close to me that illustrates so many things the Word of God says regarding this type of sin.

When I am around him, it's easy to get dragged into his lie. It's so dark, sinister, and thick it consumes all around it. When I'm away, I can see and hear much more clearly and I'm finding it easier to seperate the lies from the truth. I am thankful to God for that progress, for I would never be here without His help, and it gives me hope that the future will not always feel so bleak.

One of the hardest lessons in all of this is that doing the right thing and loving the right way - with your whole heart and and soul - may not be rewarded - at least not down here, and perhaps not by the recepient of that goodness and love. That doesn't mean it wasn't right. And that doesn't mean I should close my heart off to anyone in the future to protect it. It was right to love Rob like I did. I will not become bitter and guarded. I may hate what is happening now, and the pain it causes, but I do not hate loving in such a way that I have this grief and pain. And I plan to love that intensely and completely again...for it is the only real way to love. God did not withhold His best from those He loves - so neither will I. I loved him with my heart, soul and body. Apparently that was too much for him - and he prefers only being "loved" with one out of the 3. That's too bad for him...because that is not love. But I suppose it's all he can fit into his small world.

Funny how we can love something and hate it at the same time...hate the pain, but love the reason for the pain. Hate the tiredness, but love and be thankful for the job that makes you tired. Hate that I'm not eating right, but loving the weight loss. Hating the messy house and car, but loving that I have a reliable car, a warm home, and loving the 2 people that have made the messes in them both.

I'll happily take my thrift store bargains and the real relationships I have with my kids, my family, my dear friends over all brand new stuff and casual, meaningless, and pretend relationships. And I'll take Jesus over all of that if I had to. I am determined and decided to pass the test.

Less Like Scars

Here are some more lyrics to share with you all that summarize where I am right now...and it's a very good thing.

Sara Groves \ Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard Healing changes are subtle But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here, and you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars and more like Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping You would come

And I need you , And I want you here, And I feel you

And I know you're here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars (x3)
And more like Character


...Amen.

Ask me about my car...

I'm sorry I have to be so vague right now with everything. I'd love to shout praises from the roof top, but I've learned that I cannot trust a certain person with access to this public forum to not use some information against me in legal proceedings. But if you really want to hear some AMAZING tales regarding the blessings and grace and mercy and love of the Lord towards me in these last 2 weeks, e-mail me a message and I will be happy to give details. After the divorce is final, I will divulge any and all details and share the wonders of my God with all! I can tantilize you with this: you will simply not believe it. I don't. "Above all we can ask or think or measure" as my pastor put it. :)