Had an unfortunate glimpse of Rob's new life this week when I had to go check out his apartment before leaving my precious son in his care for an entire day - Ethan had pink eye, I had to work - I really had no other options. I knew it would be emotional...
Rob has surrounded himself with "beautiful" things, even without the income to do so...a new bed, antique desk, nice plants, lamps, decor, new dishes and wine glasses and 2 closets full of clothes and shoes. Yes, you read right. We shared one closet all our married life and now he has enough clothes and shoes to fill 2 all by himself. He keeps scented candles burning and air fresheners going constantly, and while we were there, was in a constant state of agitation as the kids messed up his cushions, spilled a bit on the floor, or got too close to his nice lamp. Obsessive compulsive comes to mind.
Of course it was a stab in my heart again - he loves his new life, his freedom, his "friends" and his stuff. While I am sleep deprived and desperately missing time with my kids as I work at a frantic pace to make income to keep it all together, while I haven't cooked in ages and me and the boys seem to be living off of fast food, while I'm dragging my kids out of bed at 6:30 AM when they are used to sleeping until 9 and hauling them all over the place for someone else to care for them all day, while I am frustrated with celibacy after 17 years of beautiful, meaningful, REGULAR intimacy, while my closet and home is full of thrift store bargains, he is living it up with seemingly no consequences and loving every minute of it feeling absolutley no regret about what it has done or is doing to me, the kids or anyone else.
But as I got home that night and let the tears flow into my Savior's lap, I kept hearing "white washed tombs". God was showing me its just all part of the facade that is his life. Nothing is real. Nothing is true. Even the nice, new things were purchased on credit he cannot afford - they are not his, he is only getting to borrow them for a short while. He is surrounding himself with as much distraction as he can - anything to try to cover up the look, feel, and stench of the spiritual death and rot that is his life. It's just more medication. And like the alcohol and women, it, too will not satisfy or cover up the stench for long. The smell of decomposition has a way of overpowering everything else eventually. The Bible describes this as "white washed tombs - full of dead men's bones". They may look nice on the outside - but they are still just graves filled with corpses.
It was disturbing to see his place and see how he acted in it with the kids there. It hurt, but it also was a very powerful visual reminder that he is not the same person on ANY level - he was always neat, but never obsessed with it. And stuff was not important to him. But now, this is all he has and all he can control, so understandably it has higher priority than his children feeling free to play. It's especially weird to have a visual representation adn object lesson so close to me that illustrates so many things the Word of God says regarding this type of sin.
When I am around him, it's easy to get dragged into his lie. It's so dark, sinister, and thick it consumes all around it. When I'm away, I can see and hear much more clearly and I'm finding it easier to seperate the lies from the truth. I am thankful to God for that progress, for I would never be here without His help, and it gives me hope that the future will not always feel so bleak.
One of the hardest lessons in all of this is that doing the right thing and loving the right way - with your whole heart and and soul - may not be rewarded - at least not down here, and perhaps not by the recepient of that goodness and love. That doesn't mean it wasn't right. And that doesn't mean I should close my heart off to anyone in the future to protect it. It was right to love Rob like I did. I will not become bitter and guarded. I may hate what is happening now, and the pain it causes, but I do not hate loving in such a way that I have this grief and pain. And I plan to love that intensely and completely again...for it is the only real way to love. God did not withhold His best from those He loves - so neither will I. I loved him with my heart, soul and body. Apparently that was too much for him - and he prefers only being "loved" with one out of the 3. That's too bad for him...because that is not love. But I suppose it's all he can fit into his small world.
Funny how we can love something and hate it at the same time...hate the pain, but love the reason for the pain. Hate the tiredness, but love and be thankful for the job that makes you tired. Hate that I'm not eating right, but loving the weight loss. Hating the messy house and car, but loving that I have a reliable car, a warm home, and loving the 2 people that have made the messes in them both.
I'll happily take my thrift store bargains and the real relationships I have with my kids, my family, my dear friends over all brand new stuff and casual, meaningless, and pretend relationships. And I'll take Jesus over all of that if I had to. I am determined and decided to pass the test.
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