I am gaining a deep understanding of what Christ must have gone through in the wilderness...as the enemy was using the holy Word of God to try to deceive and tempt him. So much in the past 2 months has been confusing as the enemy very subtly uses tiny nuggets of truth wrapped in several layers of lies to keep me reeling. What has it shown me? I don't know the Word of God nearly as much as I should.
I'm reminded of when my mom was a teller at a bank. I remember her telling me about their training to spot counterfeit bills. Surprisingly, there wasn't hours and hours of training - because there were so many variations of counterfeits, it would be impossible to learn them all. Instead, the bank focused on making sure the tellers knew what the TRUE bills looked like, felt like, smelled like...once you have the true bill burned in your mind, the counterfeits are easy to spot.
What an object lesson. You know what the best thing about learning where you are weak is? The new opportunity to fix it and the possibilities that lie in store from this moment forward.
Grace upon grace, mercy upon mercy - and none of it deserved by me. I am in awe and humbled - "when I think of the heavens and Your workmanship, what is man (Lori) that you should be mindful of him (her)?" The King of Glory knows my weaknesses, shortcomings, faults, mistakes, and the darkness of my heart....AND HE LOVES ME IN SPITE OF IT ALL. And died to pay for it all even while I continued to betray Him and refuse his love. And even as I still betray him and disappoint him and bring him shame from time to time.
I pray for a godly sorrow towards my sin - one that isn't just sorry for bad things I've done, or evil I've entertained in my thoughts, but one that brings about a REAL and DEEP understanding of my sinfulness in light of His holiness. Godly sorrow brings about TRUE repentance. And in true repentance, there is no room for self righteousness or entitlement or pride. Only an understanding that it is a miracle that any of us are saved - and no sin is too dark what cannot be cleansed by His blood and His love.
There is a precious sister in the Lord at my church who has a beautiful ministry of intercession. God gifts her with visions and word pictures that she shares with me as she lifts me and my family in prayer. As I mentioned I've been so confused by the seemingly duality of instruction in the Word regarding my suggestion. The battle to "figure out what to do" is mostly of my own making as I am a "fixer". Sunday she shared with me that as she was praying, God brought a scene from the movie "Return of the King" to her mind. It is the one where the small, seemingly defeated army lead by Aragorn was standing before the vast, snarling army of orcs and uruk hai under Sauron's command. Thinking Frodo was dead and the ring was back in the hands of the enemy, they bravely charge forward to their deaths. Then Psalms 23 popped in her head "thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies..." and she envisioned a beautiful banquet table with fine linens, china, silver and gold, and the richest of foods spread out with Christ sitting at one end and one other chair - just for me - at the other. Surrounding this table was the snarling, drooling, cursing enemy. And you know what? Even though they outnumbered me and surrounded me on every side, all they could do is stand there and watch and drool, and snarl - they could not touch me because I was with the King.
I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I describe that to you - and I am overwhelmed by the love of Christ. I am realizing that I don't have to understand any of this - I only have to trust that the same One who would prepare such a beautiful feast just for He and I to share, the same one that can keep the snarling orcs at bay, is the One who will bring me through this and the One who will be glorified in and through me, if only I will sit at the table and just BE with Him. I purpose to learn to just BE. To "be still and know that I AM GOD".
Ephesians 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
How many warriors have you seen that just stand? How crazy is it to sit down to a nice dinner in the middle of a battle field surrounded by things that want to utterly destroy and consume you? Notice it doesn't say 'when the day of evil comes - rush in and stop it." This is a hard lesson for us "do-ers" and "fixers" - but who better to fight my foes than He who can destroy them with just a word? Why should I waste energy slashing and stabbing all to no avail? - there are too many and they are too strong for me. But not for Him. His armor and protection is sure, His victory swift and complete. All I have to do is stand and just be. Trust him to do the rest.
God, may I find that place - under your wing of protection, at your feet like Mary, at your banquet table. Help me to allow you to be more than enough and say along with Job "though You slay me, yet will I trust You".
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