Fire Department Annual Open House

Another annual family tradition has come and gone - the Fridley Fire Dept. Open House. They put on a good show - lots of fire engines and other official city machines (police cars, snow plows, construction equip., etc.) for the kids to climb in, free prizes, free food, Home Depot kids and an area to build them, fun activities and really cool demos. Our favorite is when they set a mock living room on fire with a toaster. Really makes you want to go home and practice your fire drills - the entire room is usually engulfed in less than 2 minutes. This year they added rides around the block in an old fashioned, collector fire engine. See the pics below.

Just checking in

We are all doing well. Been busier now that I'm working and getting back into the swing of things with church. Doing a wonderful study on Covenant through the Precepts Ministries. It's really beautiful. At first, I was nervous that it would be a constant reminder that my so called "husband" placed little to no value on our covenant, but it's been more about God's covenant with us - His people. Again, I am being pursued. He is captivated with me!

I've really tried to refrain from saying negative things about "he who must not be named" :) - but I've had it with trying to always take the high road when he's slithering around in the ditch and trying to fling mud up at me all day long. So here goes a "vent": last week, he liquidated MORE of our HELOC - and then went through the pretense of "asking" me if he could "borrow" it. He'd already purchased a car with it before even asking!!! Can you believe the sheer audacity? "Lori, I know I'm shirking every responsibility towards you and the boys - especially now that I've left you without any health coverage. But it's more important to me to have some wheels and not be inconvenienced by having to take a bus or ask for a ride than it is to make sure you have backup money to pay for Noah's meds and keep up your B12 shots so you can care for the children I've abandoned." He even got a legal consultation back in the summer and apparently didn't pay one bit of attention to the lawyer. Any attorney worth his salt would have explained the concept of "liquidating marital assets for personal gain" to him. What does Rob hear? "blah, blah, blah...do whatever you want, blah, blah, blah". I'm to the point where it's starting to become humorous...how easy he's making this for me. He's hanging himself - I don't have to point a finger. God is clearly the head of my home, my husband and father to my son's. He is our defender - our bulwark. No weapon (financial, emotional, spiritual, physical) Rob forms against me will prosper. As a matter of fact, they all seem to be strangely backfiring. Rob is no match for the Almighty.

He's played the fool - he's sown to the wind and he's reaping a whirlwind.

On becoming single again...

At first, I resisted. After being married 17 years and not intending to ever NOT be married, it's a scary prospect. But the Lord is truly separating me from all of this. It is reminiscent of college before I had my personal conversion. I remember the Lord bringing me to a state of "loneliness" - not the kind where you have no friends or companionship, but the kind where you are keenly aware that it's just you and God. And that's really all that you need. I'm getting back to that place as God reveals to me his name: Jehovah Quanna. Jealous. Jealous for me. I am being courted and pursued by my savior - the lover of my soul. And I must say it feels very good. The love letters He has sent me these past 2 weeks have just taken my breath away! The gifts and tokens of affection He has offered make me swoon. I am amazed by God. It makes me want Him more and more.

Ethan has been expressing some rather odd behavior for him. He's becoming a bit more clingy and expressing fear at a lot of different things, yet nothing specific. He's expressed worry at my dying for one. I'm sure it stems from the abandonment by his father, but I'm praying that God will reveal himself to my sons as Abba - "daddy", so that they will not even need their earthly dad. Jesus loves my kids, too. His grace is sufficient. Please pray for my boys.

I'll mention this latest "gift". I recognized it as a gift from God right away because of how it happened and the timing. I had been talking to God earlier about even though I'm learning to be satisfied in and through Him for all things, I do miss feeling attractive and feminine to the opposite sex. I miss having a man come home and put his arms around me and kiss my neck while I'm making supper. Or invite me to sit and cuddle on the couch. Or look at me with that "I'm really interested in you" kind of glance. So yesterday, I'm on my way home from church. I'm driving a minivan (nothing screams "mom" like a minivan). This car goes to pass me on the highway. It just passes and slows down, getting even with me. Naturally I glace over and this pretty cute guy is checking me out! :) So, I smile and nod, then he slows down and gets behind me as I am exiting onto a different road. I have to admit - I was a bit nervous at first...what if this guy is some psycho who's gonna follow me home? Instead, he got up beside me again just as he was about to exit for good, waved, blew me a kiss and smiled. I think I smiled and giggled the rest of the drive home.

And who says God is not interested in our minutia?

"Diet"

40 lbs and counting.... :)

I don't recommend my diet plan, but MAN am I looking HOT! (hee-hee)

It does propose one small problem - finding the dough to buy new clothes - not because you WANT them, but because you NEED them! My "skinnier" jeans are starting to fall off of me (yippee)!

Pursuing Freedom

As part of my healing journey, the Lord has put me in contact with a pastor that is helping me to identify bondage's in my own life that have been put there by wrong thinking and misunderstanding on my own part. I'm seeing that all of us are guilty of the exact same sin - and it started with Eve. Here was a person created IN THE IMAGE OF GOD to reflect HIS glory. Eve enjoyed the only pure relationship ever known - that of unconditional love from the source of love - God. She and Adam were able to explore the depths and richness of their own relationship because they were secure in their relationship with God. There was no worries about what I look like, how I perform, what I do for the other person - their own lovability, acceptance, esteem was not wrapped up in each other - it flowed from the pure relationship with their creator as they were a reflection of HIM, and therefore "worthy". No thought was even given to what the other human thought about them. Who cares?

But, once Eve believed the lie (God's love IS conditional - he's holding out on you. He doesn't have your best interest at heart...)then her wrong judgement was that she had the power within herself to take hold of that which would satisfy and make her "worthy". Suddenly the pure, unconditional relationship she shared with God and with Adam became tainted with performance based acceptance. And now that is where we have been stuck ever since. We all believe we are the "masters of our own destiny". We've forgotten what it truly means to surrender and trust and rely on God as our source for ALL. Not just to meet our monetary needs - but our source of peace, companionship, love, acceptance...all of those things we so desperately search for in other people - and will NEVER find. We will be nothing but disappointed and hurt over and over again because man's love is conditional. Why do we pursue so hard after that which has no ability to satisfy? Why do we run after the very thing that will hurt and disappoint us most, yet turn our backs on that living water that will quench our thirst permanently? Why was I trying so hard to "win back" the love of a man who has shown me such unkindness, betrayal, pain, disappointment, disregard and ignored the love of the only One who has NEVER disappointed, been faithless, caused me pain, betrayed or disregarded me? The only One who has loved me unconditionally - that He would die for me even before I acknowledged Him as Lord and friend.

Truth is - God did not, nor does not withhold his best from us ever - at least not those of us who are serving and living for Him. He always has our best interest in mind - whether we understand it fully or not. We do not have to clutch and flail and reach so desperately to try take hold of something to give us worth - to make us feel loved and accepted and important and fulfilled and satisfied...whe already have it. We just can't accept it because of the lies we believe and the wrong judgments it leads us to. And if we can't accept it from God, then we're not gonna find it anywhere else. Only God can fill that hole.

People can come and go in my life. My worth (nor that of my sons) is not and will not be affected - because my worth is found in Christ. I don't have to settle for anything because God has His best in store for me and my sons.

A friend of mine put it to me this way - "Lori, you may be a victim of all this, but I suspect you are further down the list than you realize. Rob first did this to God. Then to himself." As David repented for the whole ordeal with Bathsheba "Against you and you alone, O God, have I sinned" even after taking Bathsheba and murdering her husband and betraying the entire nation of Israel. David's sin was not lusting, adultery, murder, betrayal. Those were all symptoms of the root. It was pride. It was thinking that God was withholding His best from David, so therefore David will reach out with his own hands to take hold of "fulfillment" rather than finding it in Yahweh. He believed he could actually find anything apart from God to fill that need of "I'm worthy, lovable, accepted" and that he had the ability to capture it through his own striving and abilities. The branch cannot bear fruit of it's own efforts - it MUST be grafted into the vine/trunk. It's only from the sap flowing from the vine into the branch, can the branch produce. Without that sap, the branch will only wither and die. It cannot even sustain itself, let alone produce anything of value.

Understanding this is the key to gaining freedom. Surrender is freedom. Letting go of all the wrong judgments and lofty ideas that we can do anything to make us worthy of anything is liberation. Letting go of the idea that our performance is tied to our worthiness. That we can earn grace and love and mercy. It is there and it is free and it is unconditional. Letting go of the idea that man's opinion matters in the least - and accepting that we reflect the Glory of the Almighty. And that is ENOUGH. Only once we understand these things can we truly be free to love others unconditionally and accept love unconditionally.

Apart from Christ we are nothing. But IN Christ - we are the reflection of divinity. We are fulfilled, satisfied - living as we were meant and created to live. And we have freedom to experience life and relationships free from fear, lies, deception.

I was trying to get my approval and acceptance and worth through Rob. And now I realize how much I was missing out on. Even though my attempts were through a "proper" and right relationship, they were still MY attempts to fill that hole with the wrong thing. And God, in His mercy - seeing my heart was pure in it's search, is setting me free and releasing me from the law of sin and death. And I will be able to teach my sons how to not even accept that root and those wrong judgements so they will hopefully never fight this battle. I believe my sons will not suffer any consequences from the moral failing of their father as long as I continue to seek God and get a healthy mind, heart, and soul myself. This is not the end. My path will lead to God's best. Unfortunately for him, Rob's path will lead to man's worst. I will miss him.

Ethan's first day of school

Got my Cars lunchbox and my Spiderman backpack. I'm set!
Ethan's cubby
Ethan was very excited to get a name badge and his very own special seat!
This is his teacher Mrs. Rollerson reading a story to them as we all said goodbye. Ethan did fine, I did fine. It was Noah who cried - he didn't want to go and didn't want to leave bubby.

I'm terribly sorry that this is sideways - I used my camera to shoot the video and didn't think about the fact that you can't "rotate" a video image like you can a picture. Just wanted to capture the moment live...

Just a fun day with my kids...

culminating in a spontaneous picnic at Moore Lake.

Ethan made a new friend who was willing to give him rides on his "motorcycle".Noah loves to play in the pirate ship.

While Ethan was riding around with his new friend, Noah and I enjoyed one of the last days warm enough to remove your sandals and stick your feet in the water.

Then we all enjoyed one of the best simple pleasures of summer - hurling rocks into water. Yep, poppie...I can still skip 'em just like you taught me! :)

MN State Fair 2007

I know it's basically the same thing every year, but I love it, I love it, I love it! Who can resist the State Fair? The smelly animals, the shameless consumerism, the greasy food, the nauseating rides, the sore feet, the frustrating crowds...and the laughter and memories. The excitment in your children's eyes. The comfort of sharing a tradition.

This year we got to see a calf being born! Ethan's reaction was "Mommy, that's kind of gross." Yes. Yes it is. And strangely beautiful. I can do without the vets strapping on gloves up to their shoulders then sticking their entire arms up the animals vagina to assist...but otherwise it's an amazing moment to see a new creation being brought into this world. It brought me back to the first moments I laid eyes on my two beautiful boys - I cried when I finally got the privilege of seeing the faces of these people who had been doing flip flops in my uterus for months. It's a magical moment.
Noah got to ride the rides this year. He's my daredevil. He doesn't even stop to consider that he might not like it or it might be scary - that is not even a concept to him. Ethan even tried a roller coaster this year...and LOVED it! I thought sure we were gonna have to change his pants he was laughing so hard! Of course the favorite of my boys is machinery hill. Honestly, I think if I didn't buy a single ride ticket and just let them play on the lawn mowers and tractors all day, they'd be perfectly content. All in all - a fun day at the fair! The Funderburk family tradition continues...can't wait until NEXT year! :) Some of you should really consider joining us - you are always welcome to stay in my home when you visit! I'm STILL waiting for the promised visit from my cousin Angie and my brother Brandon.....(looks at watch....drums fingers on table....) :)

Target Pics

If you don't hear from me within a couple of weeks, you can assume the Target cartel has dispatched their lackeys to take care of me...I have no idea of this is legal. All I know for sure is 1)they are darn cute photos and 2)I spent a butt-load on a portrait package, including an extra fee to get on-line access. So until I hear otherwise...here are some of our most recent family photos.

for all you parents...

Came across this on You Tube. Sums it up quite well. You will laugh and cry...

Is there any greater thrill in life than being the most important person to our children? Any greater privilege than investing in their lives?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uISuvTiTYJA

Family portraits

I treated myself and my boys to some updated family portraits to replace all the old ones - they turned out really cute! I'll post some (if I legally can) once I get them back.

I got me some might fine boys - handsome, well behaved, fun. I am so grateful to God that I get the privilege of being their mommy. Nothing in this world is more important to me - and I pray nothing ever becomes more important, thus disqualifying me from the honor.

I'm starting to see glimmers of hope and excitement about the future of our family. Yes, I have to work more hours, but the hours I'm not working can be focused intensely on Jesus and Ethan and Noah. How can that be anything BUT good? I can't wait to see what happens in my heart, and to my character. And especially in and through the lives of these two wonderful people God made.

A Day Out With Thomas...

Rob took the boys to see Thomas the Tank Engine and have a train ride in Stillwater...

Saved from what?

Here is a question that has been bouncing around in my head...If I am "saved" what exactly is it I am saved from? What am I saved to? It has to be more than mere fire insurance...

I think on many levels, my walk with Jesus has been pretend. He is bidding me come to a deeper place and to be honest, I'm a little scared to go there. It was comfortable where I was. Deeper places require more from me. But do I REALLY know Him? Is He really mine?

What exactly did I need to be saved from? If I'm honest - I have to admit a bit of self righteousness here. Of course, I know I am not perfect, but I honestly don't think I've grasped just how dark and sinful my heart is - apart from Christ. After all, I've lead a pretty "good" and "nice" life. Sheltered and naive, some may say. Guess what...I'm seeing it now. It's not pretty. I see it in Rob - how a man who was so wonderful can change so quickly and so completely. I see it in myself - how I respond to Rob. The dark thoughts and imaginations that take hold when no one else is around. The realization that too much of my self worth was wrapped up in Rob and not in Christ. The horrible realization that perhaps the reason I'm having such difficulty accepting this is because I set Rob up as an idol in my life - I gave him a more important place than Jesus. And God is Jehovah Quanna - jealous.

I am starting to see that I needed to be saved from....myself. From what I will inevitably become if Christ is out of the picture. If I no longer allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart. And after seeing Rob's state - I do NOT want to go there. It's ugly, selfish, hurtful. It's treacherous and traitorous. It's merciless. It's destructive. I've seen those shadows in me of late. I pray for a more open-eyed view and understanding of that. I want a godly sorrow regarding the state of my heart and mind. Not condemnation - but conviction. Deep and penetrating conviction. No scales, no blinders. I want to come to a place where I am willing to expose my chest to His bullet and say "execute that sin" - whatever it takes.

Now what am I saved to? "Christ in me...the hope of glory". I need to understand that more. Because there are days that I think "if this is all there is, what is the point?"

I think I will read Acts again. The early church really had something that we lack - at least I lack. I want to want it. I'm weary of comfortable Chrisitanity - if that's all there is, why not just go Rob's direction and "enjoy" life - feel the "freedom of pleasure" - even if it is for only a season. There has to be more. I want the "pleasure of freedom" - freedom from anything that wants to rule over me and master me. Freedom from sin. Freedom from fear. Freedom to trust and believe.

I want it, I want it, I want it! Now to pursue...

Black and White vs. Gray

One lie that keeps surfacing in this ordeal is the idea of life often being "gray" where us Christians view it black and white. That one has really bothered me - but I could not put my finger on why. It seems a logical argument in some instances... such as is a lie really bad if you known the truth will hurt someone deeply?

Remember what I said about a small nugget of truth (it is wrong to hurt people) is wrapped in layers of lies (so therefore it is OK to break the law if it will save someone from being hurt)? The Spirit of Antichrist...is gray. Gray is what you get when you try to wrap white (truth) up in black (lies). But notice - gray is much closer to black than it is to white. White is pure and spotless...blemish-free. Any color added - no matter how little, and it is no longer true white.

Gray is what happened in Eden. God told Adam and Eve - "here is ONE tree, out of the entire garden, that you are NEVER to touch, let alone eat of. If you do you will die." Not "if you do you will get sick" or "if you do you MIGHT die". Black and white. Along comes the Serpent "God didn't really mean that...you won't die. That's hogwash. Why, God loves you - he would never punish you for partaking just a little taste. I'm sure he will forgive you and move on. Besides - if he really loved you, why would he withhold something so delicious, tempting and tantalizing from you? Maybe he just doesn't want to share. Maybe you would be doing GOD a favor by showing him His weakness and His selfishness. Maybe He's just afraid you will be like him - His equal. And if He has that much trouble with sharing power, then you will actually be helping Him out by eating...just a little bite. He'll learn something from all of this and so will you - then your relationship can be even better than before. C'mon - what can it hurt? No one will know. It's a secret." Notice the little nuggets of 'white'? Add the lies and what do you get? - GRAY.

Unfortunately, the consequences of "gray thinking" are never gray. Nor are they white. They are only black. Not fair, but that's sin. Adam and Eve believed the gray, chose the black and look where it has gotten us all.

I don't care if it does label me a fanatic or narrow minded. The stakes are too high. I want no allowance for compromise in my life. No gray.

I must point out the hope and grace, though...because that is the message of Christ. His blood can wash out the gray - returning the color to an amazing shade of white like never before. A white even more pure and spotless than it was originally. A blinding white. But only He can do it. I pray that we all will apply His blood to our "gray matter". (now THAT will preach...do I hear an AMEN?!) :)

The tactics of the enemy

I am gaining a deep understanding of what Christ must have gone through in the wilderness...as the enemy was using the holy Word of God to try to deceive and tempt him. So much in the past 2 months has been confusing as the enemy very subtly uses tiny nuggets of truth wrapped in several layers of lies to keep me reeling. What has it shown me? I don't know the Word of God nearly as much as I should.

I'm reminded of when my mom was a teller at a bank. I remember her telling me about their training to spot counterfeit bills. Surprisingly, there wasn't hours and hours of training - because there were so many variations of counterfeits, it would be impossible to learn them all. Instead, the bank focused on making sure the tellers knew what the TRUE bills looked like, felt like, smelled like...once you have the true bill burned in your mind, the counterfeits are easy to spot.

What an object lesson. You know what the best thing about learning where you are weak is? The new opportunity to fix it and the possibilities that lie in store from this moment forward.

Grace upon grace, mercy upon mercy - and none of it deserved by me. I am in awe and humbled - "when I think of the heavens and Your workmanship, what is man (Lori) that you should be mindful of him (her)?" The King of Glory knows my weaknesses, shortcomings, faults, mistakes, and the darkness of my heart....AND HE LOVES ME IN SPITE OF IT ALL. And died to pay for it all even while I continued to betray Him and refuse his love. And even as I still betray him and disappoint him and bring him shame from time to time.

I pray for a godly sorrow towards my sin - one that isn't just sorry for bad things I've done, or evil I've entertained in my thoughts, but one that brings about a REAL and DEEP understanding of my sinfulness in light of His holiness. Godly sorrow brings about TRUE repentance. And in true repentance, there is no room for self righteousness or entitlement or pride. Only an understanding that it is a miracle that any of us are saved - and no sin is too dark what cannot be cleansed by His blood and His love.

There is a precious sister in the Lord at my church who has a beautiful ministry of intercession. God gifts her with visions and word pictures that she shares with me as she lifts me and my family in prayer. As I mentioned I've been so confused by the seemingly duality of instruction in the Word regarding my suggestion. The battle to "figure out what to do" is mostly of my own making as I am a "fixer". Sunday she shared with me that as she was praying, God brought a scene from the movie "Return of the King" to her mind. It is the one where the small, seemingly defeated army lead by Aragorn was standing before the vast, snarling army of orcs and uruk hai under Sauron's command. Thinking Frodo was dead and the ring was back in the hands of the enemy, they bravely charge forward to their deaths. Then Psalms 23 popped in her head "thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies..." and she envisioned a beautiful banquet table with fine linens, china, silver and gold, and the richest of foods spread out with Christ sitting at one end and one other chair - just for me - at the other. Surrounding this table was the snarling, drooling, cursing enemy. And you know what? Even though they outnumbered me and surrounded me on every side, all they could do is stand there and watch and drool, and snarl - they could not touch me because I was with the King.

I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I describe that to you - and I am overwhelmed by the love of Christ. I am realizing that I don't have to understand any of this - I only have to trust that the same One who would prepare such a beautiful feast just for He and I to share, the same one that can keep the snarling orcs at bay, is the One who will bring me through this and the One who will be glorified in and through me, if only I will sit at the table and just BE with Him. I purpose to learn to just BE. To "be still and know that I AM GOD".

Ephesians 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

How many warriors have you seen that just stand? How crazy is it to sit down to a nice dinner in the middle of a battle field surrounded by things that want to utterly destroy and consume you? Notice it doesn't say 'when the day of evil comes - rush in and stop it." This is a hard lesson for us "do-ers" and "fixers" - but who better to fight my foes than He who can destroy them with just a word? Why should I waste energy slashing and stabbing all to no avail? - there are too many and they are too strong for me. But not for Him. His armor and protection is sure, His victory swift and complete. All I have to do is stand and just be. Trust him to do the rest.

God, may I find that place - under your wing of protection, at your feet like Mary, at your banquet table. Help me to allow you to be more than enough and say along with Job "though You slay me, yet will I trust You".

Bridge collapse

Wow. This certainly has been the summer for reminders of how much life can change in an instant, hasn't it? How many times have I driven over that bridge? While I wasn't anywhere near it, eyewitness accounts I've heard have described the eerie silence in an otherwise very bustling area - especially in light of the fact that it was in the middle of rush hour.

I don't want to diminish the loss of life that has occurred, but considering the time and location, it could have been much, much greater. That ,in itself, is a miracle.

The other miracle - God chose to spare Rob one more day. That is a common route he takes. Mercy upon mercy that is continuously rejected.

Anniversary

Today was my 17th anniversary. In just 2 more years, I would have been married longer than I was single - and I had no intentions of ever having it any other way.

Many lies tried to ensnare me today. But the Lord lead me to this passage to encourage me:
Prov. 31:10 "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 12She brings (her husband) good not harm all the days of her life. 25She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 29Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

My true husband and the lover of my soul has gently wrapped his arms around me and reminded me of my worth by speaking intimate words of love into my heart. A treasure is no less a treasure because a fool cannot recognize it as such. The problem lies with the fool - not the treasure. Today, I know my worth is far above rubies, that strength and dignity are my covering.

And what use does a ruby have for a fool?

Visit from Grandma and Grandpa

Rob's parents came for a visit and had a lot of fun with the boys. The boys got to see both sets of grandparents back to back - they've really been spoiled!

I think Noah has seen me "fix" Ethan's training wheels one too many times!



Noah loves the "let me kick my feet all over while you try to get the diaper on me" game.

Ethan and Noah will never pass up a chance to wrestle - especially if it involves tag-teaming.
The always inseperable Funderburk/Ostroot gang.