Timing

I've been contemplating timing issues of late. Particularly my timing vs. Gods. And how much control I actually have over that vs. how much control I'd like to think I have over that. :)

Timing has been a big theme in my life for the last 2 years. The timing of Rob's confession and the divorce and it's implications such as the timing of my career change, the timing of having kids the timing of homeschooling, the timing of trying to sell a house during a recession. The timing of a move closer to family, of the financial fallout from "unyoking" oneself legally, the timing of all of these major life changes in relation to the stage of life I found myself and my kids.

It's clear to me that all of that was unwanted timing. Not chosen by me. I had NO control. So I had to learn to trust that God, knowing what was coming and caring for me more deeply than anyone, knew that it was the best timing. He had a reason for not having it all happen sooner, or waiting until later. I don't know what that reason was and may never know. But I do trust His love for me.

Now I find myself contemplating timing yet again for more changes that are possibly on the horizon. Yet, I catch myself actually thinking I am in control because these changes are not crisis changes. Isn't that just like us? When there is crisis, we cling to our savior. When it's not a crisis, we think we can take care of it all by ourselves. I see this in my kids. When we are in a hurry or when one of them is hurt, simple tasks such as putting on their shoes become overwhelming and they need help. When the added stress isn't there, and I offer help, they are adamant about doing it on their own. They could struggle with the task the same either way...it's the circumstances surrounding the task that changes their perception.

Perhaps this is why CS Lewis refers to pain and sorrow and suffering as "God's megaphone". We don't listen unless we are under stress or seemingly out of control. He has to use a voice amplifier to get our attention when under another circumstance all He might need is a whisper.

Even those of us who have tasted surrender forget it's sweetness in the absence of need. I wish I was not of the ilk that has to learn the hard way. But the older I get, the more I cringe at that brutally honest assessment of myself. I am stubborn. If given the chance, I will take the reigns. I cannot simply sit back and enjoy the ride and let Him steer. Why, why, why???? Maybe I should start every morning asking myself "Lori, why do you want to drive today if God is already willing to do it for you?" Of course I am NOT advocating a "non participatory" Christianity...please don't think I'm going there. I'm just trying to acknowledge that I am in much less control than I think I am and should WANT to be in less control than I struggle to be. Surrender does not mean lying back and just letting life happen while shrugging your shoulders. It means choosing to participate WITH GOD in HIS plan, not my own.

With regard to timing, maybe there is no such thing as "the right thing at the wrong time" for a Child of God whose steps are ordered. When I try to understand the timing issue through my own understanding, or the counsel of people alone, I get confusion, turmoil, distrust, doubt, etc. If I can just trust that there is a reason for the timing that is bigger than me, and consider that along with trusted counsel (which I believe is wise), then there is peace. Instead of being like the disciples in the boat who only experienced peace once Christ stopped the storm, I can be like Christ and sleep in the boat while the storm rages.

I have a feeling that if I could ever grasp this and actually live by it, I could be so much more effective as a Christian and human.