WARNING: VENTING SESSION. PAST ICKINESS COMING BACK OUT FOR A MOMENT.

I was reading on MSN's homepage how Sandra Bullock's husband has cheated on her with a porn "star" (if that's what you want to call them). I read his press released apology. I'm not defending him in any way - it's disgusting and low. But at least he owned it. Not one single excuse for his bad behavior, not one shred of "I'm a victim" or trying to justify the behavior. He called it for what it was and said he was sorry - not just for getting caught, but for embarrassing his wife, children and for causing them pain.

3 years ago, my "christian, minister" husband admitted to several instances if infidelity including paid "professionals". Still to this day, I've yet to hear any ownership or labeling it for what it was. Instead, I hear excuses. I hear about how he was a victim of God, how he "fell out of love", how me and the boys should just be over it since it was three years ago. No apologies. No shame. Only scapegoating. No recognition of the pain, humiliation, embarrassment caused to me, his children. No admittance to the wrongness of the whole thing. He even told me at one point he was NOT sorry for betraying me. How nice is that?

Yeah, it still stings. I trusted him. I had more faith in his integrity. Turns out, I was believing in a fairy tale for he has no integrity.

When I hear of sinners who act better than those who would claim the name of Christ, it makes me so heart sick. I know I cannot expect him to ever make amends, and yes, I still work hard to walk in forgiveness towards him even without him even acknowledging being wrong. But for Pete's sake...Jesse James did it right immediately and my "christian" ex still hasn't after 3 years.

Guess that whole story just stirred some things up that I needed to vent about. Sometimes I just have to remind myself of the crap pit God rescued me from to the wonderful place he has brought me now. He certainly has traded me Beauty for ashes. Hope for despair.

I also read a wonderful quote: No one falls in love by choice. It is by chance. No one fall out of love by chance. It is by choice.

I choose love. I choose Steve, Joe, and Ben. I choose my kids. I choose my family. I choose the many friends I have made throughout my life.

Most of all...I choose Christ. Thank you, Jesus, for choosing me. I love you. And I am in love with you.