Redeemed

I was contacted recently by a former college friend who came across my blog on the alumni site. She reminded me that God can use ANYTHING - even a broken woman's words as she processes her pain. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me as I constructed my response to her and thought it fitting to share part of it as a post. Of course, any personal references between her and I have been removed to respect her privacy...

When I started writing about my divorce, I wrestled a lot with it - wasn't sure if it was a good thing for me to put all that emotional "vomit" out there. Many of my posts were edited severely after writing them because upon rereading them I realized they were just a personal attack on Rob. And a few probably still slipped in. But all along the way, I recieved encouragement from others, mainly women, who said that my willingness to be transparent even with the ugly stuff of my own heart, was helpful to them.

So many books we read on divorce and marital struggles are written after "victory" or after coming through the storm. Even now, I could not write of my pain and faith struggles in the same way now that I'm on the other side of it all. I wanted to be able to look back and remember and say "Indeed God was and IS faithful. Indeed He has restored me. Indeed I have been redeemed and He has worked it together for HIS good." I wanted something to reassure myself and anyone else reading it that questions, doubts, anger...it's all part of the process. I was in no mood to keep up some hyper-spiritual facade. This was REAL. And I wasn't going to be anything but. What good is hearing trite "christianisms" when you have deep pain in your soul? If God could not handle my rancor and ranting, then why was I following Him? Was I alone in my anger towards Him? Was I the only person who questioned His character, motives, love for me? I didn't believe so. I felt safe in my relationship with God, even encouraged by God to just be brave enough to let all my ugliness out there. To express the darkness in my heart so that someone else didn't feel so alone in theirs.

Sometimes I worry that our Pentecostal roots only allow us the triumph and not the struggle...so when we do struggle, REALLY struggle with BIG things, we feel like we have become faithless, backslidden. I think we miss out on an opportunity to know Christ as the Lover of our souls - as walking THROUGH the fire with us. Instead, we view the trial as something we must endure to reach Christ on the other side and prove ourselves worthy of Him. And that simply cannot be. The divorce was horrible. I was dedicated to my covenant with Rob (as much as I humanly could, of course - I'm not perfect). But I have come to know my savior in a more intimate way than would have ever been possible through this ordeal. I have personally experienced the verse "we will overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of our Testimony". My testimony included the doubt. The questions. The railing. If I has stopped there, it would have been wrong. But it would have been just as wrong to only testify of the victory in the end and not the bloody battle along the way. And I know that any victory I achieved was not won in my own flesh - for my testimony bears witness to my failures, my frailties and my utter inability to save myself. The credit belongs to the Lamb. I simply followed Him and when I could do nothing else, stood my ground and let Him fight for me.

I still believe with all my heart that God would have rather had Rob give his whole heart to Him and restore our family, but since Rob chose not to, God has not held me hostage to Rob's choice AND has blessed me with the mate and partner that I believe God intended for me to have all along. It was very hard for me to reconcile (and still is somedays) that I can be divorced and remarried yet still be in God's perfect will. But I've come to conclude that His perfect will for us has much more to do with our hearts and attitudes than our circumstances. I'm still in the same play - it's just been recast. I'm still going in the same direction...following the footsteps of my Maker. I just have new company on the journey.

While I will shout from the mountains that God has blessed me with Steve and my new marriage and I do not doubt that for one second, I want to be careful to not be misunderstood... I would encourage anyone to do everything humanly possible to avoid divorce. Counseling, prayer, whatever. Ultimately, all that we can control is ourselves - the other party has to make that choice as well. I found that it didn't matter that I was completely willing to forgive, reconcile, work at whatever needed to be done to save my relationship with Rob - Rob wasn't. That was hard to accept. But I knew I was blameless, at least. I can look in the faces of my children and say with confidence that their dad would still be my husband if he had wanted to. In spite of the offense of sexual impurity. So you do all you need to do in your heart. Even if you are the "victim" or the one offended. Obviously be safe. If you are experiencing a physical abuse, I do not believe God would have you stay in a dangerous situation. Seperation is a viable alternative. But don't let your heart grow hard towards God and therefore your spouse. Let not man put your union asunder - especially if that "man" is you. If it is to end, allow God to keep you blameless in its ending. That is not the popular view our world throws at us. Instead, the world says if we are not "happy", we deserve to do whatever we need to to become "happy". Happiness is an illusion. Contentment comes from the peace of knowing you choose God's ways over your own. If the problem is abuse, get to a safe place, protect yourself. Follow God's plan. Listen to His leading. I would not advise anyone to file for divorce or not file. I would certainly rather someone try seperation first and see if that changes anything so that they would know beyond any doubt that if it ends, there was no other alternative. That is only Lori speaking - personally, I would need that peace of knowing I did all I could to stay in my covenant. THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD ALLOW A SPOUSE TO CONTINUE HURTING YOU. God forbid. Being a faithful, committed wife/husband does not include the job description of punching bag. Love sometimes means confronting someone with their wrong and removing from them the PRIVELEGE of being with you until they do right. If they never choose right, then they never earn that privelege back.

Thanks to anyone who has let me know my story has helped in some way. That was and is my continual prayer to God - that somehow he uses the pain I endured and the shambles my life was in to His glory - for I know only He could redeem such a mess. It certainly is not the way I ever expected to be used by Him, but I can say with confidence along with Mary (Jesus' mother) "behold the handmaiden of the Lord. May it be unto me according to YOUR will." I am honored that he can use me in any fashion - even if my body is cast into the flames. That is not easy to say and I don't say it flippantly. I am certainly not a martyr - I have no desire for pain, suffering, discomfort. But I have experienced Him being with me through it and now I am getting the privelege to see Him use it to minister to others. My story continues to be written. To God be all the glory!