And now for my first trick...

...juggling 3 Christmas dinners and 5 Christmas programs in 10 days....

Here are some highlights. Not necessarily in the correct order. First, we have Noah's preschool program.

Noah was the only boy man enough to wear the entire angel costume. And he sang louder than all the other angels. Course, I also think he was the cutest.

Next, Ethan's school program. They sang about 5 different songs and did movements. He started to get upset when he dropped his instrument during one song, but, like a true thespian, never let the audience know. I didn't notice until he told me. Course, I was arguing with the picture and the video camera, both who didn't want to work for me that night....grrrr....

Here we are at one of the dinners.

Noah found a cubby to climb in.
Not really sure what Ethan is doing...I think he got hot running around and playing and is trying to cool off at the fan. You will have to ask him...I just thought it was funny. PLUS it will be great blackmail when he get's older.

Lastly (in this montage) - Christmas at our church. This is Ethan and Noah with their cousins Elizabeth and Abby - Tom and Melissa's girls.

I have some video footage of the programs Ethan and Noah were in. I'll post them shortly, but really only grandmas and grandpas will probably be interested... :)

Thanksgiving '08

One of the biggest blessings about moving back to Ohio is reconnecting with my family. Know what? I got a great family. Oh, we have our quirks, but who else can say they grew up so close to such extended family. I mean, I not only had my grandparents around all the time, I had cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends that might as well have been family. And we are all friends. Even when there is tension...we are friends. And it's wonderful...


I remember many times riding on Poppies back as " Ol' Tob"...my "horsey". And Grannie always had cookies and chocolate milk for me - and was either cooking or quilting. I'm glad to be celebrating another Thanksgiving with them.


Grandma Bertha has amazed me. She, too, always had something delicious to eat and all of us kids loved spending the night in the feather beds upstairs. We'd play 'apartments' - converting the bedrooms upstairs to our own little homes. We'd also roller skate or ride our bikes around the basement - it was always that clean and uncluttered. I am so proud of the way she has not only survived, but even flourished after the death of my grandpa. I know she misses him, but she didn't let that make her stop living. She has inspired me.

After dinner with the family in Ohio, we took off to meet the Funderburk's in Gatlinburg again. This time we were joined by my mom and dad, and by Uncle Philip...The boys were so excited!

We found out that my Brother, Sister-in-law, and their kids were in Gatlinburg the same weekend with the Powell's (my Sister-in-law's parents). So we all met up for an evening together at the Dixie Stampede. It was great fun. Ethan got to participate in the chicken chase and Brandon and I were chosen to race the stick horses. Yep. Our showchoir training came through - we were in step together. And we won. Thank you, Chris Beiser!!!! :)

Here is Ethan with cousin's Lexi and Desi. Lexi and Ethan are peas in a pod. Desi is the perfect little mother to Noah...he loves her doting on him!

It wouldn't be right not to get a few candids. This is my boys just chillin' and watching TV. They can't do it without some sort of "flourish"...(can't imagine where they get that from...)

It just feels right to be home again. I miss my friends and my church in MN, but I don't miss the situation, the winter weather, the loneliness... THIS is sooooo much better for me and for my boys.

Another Noah-ism

Didn't anticipate this one...

I've tried to avoid the whole "Santa" thing with Christmas. Not his existence, mind you... but the whole idea of lying to my children about a magical man who distributes gifts and his being the center of Christmas. I've really tried (albeit rather unsuccessfully so far) to instruct my children in the real meaning of the holiday and the faith focus it should have, as well as the "better to give" mentality and the importance of gratitude. So, from the start, I have told them the story of St. Nicholas and how adults dress up like him every year to pay tribute to his life, which was a tribute to Christ. Both of my boys know that mommy is "Santa" and why.

Tonight, however, the restaurant we ate in had a Santa and was letting the kids get pictures with him. For the first time ever, both of my boys were interested in getting their photo with the dude in the red fuzzy suit (probably because we were eating with some Santa believing cousins). Afterwards, Noah told me that I was NOT the real Santa. I was fake...because I didn't have a beard and I didn't have hair on my belly (I think he was referring to the suit... of course, I'm very glad to have a belly free of hair).

Not sure what the moral here is. All I know is I'm one of the few parents I know who chose to not fill their kids heads with this lie, yet here I am accused of lying because the evidence is clear...there sits a fat man with a white beard and a "hairy" suit...and he is DEFINITELY not me. :)

Yep...didn't see that one coming.

How I am like The Clash

Apparently, we both 'Rock the Casbah".

While driving Noah to preschool last week, I hear a very contemplative voice say "mommy? You wemember dat day you got dat spwinter owt of my foot?" "Yes, Noah. Is your foot all better?" "Yeah. You wock, mommy. You wock the casbah."

I'll take that.

I fall in love almost daily.... :)

Tis the season

For busy-ness. Boy do I have a lot of work to do catching up and uploading my photos. I forgot just how busy this season can be when you are with extended family. It was busy before when it was just us and our church and friends, but now.... I have 4 nieces and a nephew who go to different schools, different churches...all in some sort of program (sometimes two or three) and you want to go to as many as you can and support the kids. This year we've already had 8! I'll get that up before the end of the month.

I am very encouraged. I have been on the upswing of late and have been hesitant to say much because my emotions are so much of a roller coaster. Up a few weeks, back down again. But this time has been longer and feels different somehow. I mentioned recently - he and his choices, life, existence has become insignificant to me. I don't find myself missing him, thinking about him, looking in the past, or even questioning why. I feel a sense of relief at that baggage finally being gone from my life, instead of longing and wishing for the distant past before the baggage. At knowing I don't have to always be holding him up emotionally, picking up his slack financially, fixing his messes, and waiting for the word that once again he has hurt me, betrayed me, let me down. And I've come to really realize and believe something...if I thought what I had with Rob was so wonderful WITH all that mess, then how spectacular will it be when I find someone who isn't emotionally crippled...someone who is capable of healthy intimacy? I thought I had honesty. How much better will REAL honesty be. I thought I had passion. How much better will REAL passion be? I'm kind of excited, to be honest. Now that I've experienced the fake of the last few years, I'll be able to recognize the real thing better.

So this "upswing" feels different. I think it's going to stick around. I'm feeling like "Lori" again...only better.

I suppose all of us have some rain to endure in this life in order for us to understand the grace and mercy of God. For some, it is suffering. We must experience loss, trial, tribulation...otherwise we may never understand His love and provision for us. For others, it is a pit. They have to explore the depths of depravity to understand God's love. If I have to be in one camp or the other, I'm glad it's the former one. Suffering, while painful, does not leave a path of devastation and destruction behind it like depravity does. Suffering scars, but not nearly as deeply as the self inflicted wounds of depravity. Suffering is usually personal. Depravity hurts many. Bridges destroyed or roads closed due to suffering can be rebuilt or reopened easier than those destroyed or closed due to depravity...because of the depth and breadth of the pain inflicted. I am realizing that, while I have lost much over the past 1.5 years, it is a lot less than he lost. And I believe my losses will be restored to a better state. His cannot be recovered.

Peace. Peace that passes all understanding. Unfathomable peace...is washing over me. Finally.

Jesus, I love you more than I can ever say.

December Astronomy

Don't know a lot, but always been facinated with astronomy...

The last couple of days have shown 2 very bright, clear, beautiful planets alongside the moon. It's been spectacular. What research I've done seems to conclude Mars and Saturn.

So very cool - at the top of my bucket list? A chance to go into space - to see the Earth from that vantage point.

And a date with Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, or George Clooney... ;)

Progress!

So, in my last blog I spoke of changes I've felt lead to engage in and was making excuses not to. I'm pleased to report progress - though small, it's still the correct direction and I can tell a difference.

While my prayer life has grown more frequent, fervent and ( I belive) more "correct" in the past year (as CS Lewis said about prayer: "I don't pray to change my circumstance...I pray to change me.") my reading of the Word has been lax. I've begun a ritual of carving out just 15 minutes each day - mainly in the mornings before I get ready, to read either the Bible or a book from a respected author on Christian living (I have several started). Here are some of the titles I'm currently muddling through:
Don't Waste Your Sorrows by paul Billheimer
The Freedom of Forgiveness by David Augsburger
Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb
And waiting in the wings:
Pivotal Praying by John Hull and Tim Elmore
How to Read the Bible for All It's Worth by Gordon Fee and Douglas Stuart

I've noticed a marked improvement in my attitude and outlook with just this simple, small change.

I've also purposed to exercize a little each day. Even if it's only for 15 minutes to do the basics - sit ups, push ups, leg lifts, etc. I'm encouraged by the noticable difference in my strength and stamina in these areas even after just a couple of weeks. I will continue to add to the regimen and hopefully find a way to carve out at least 20-30 minutes of aerobic exercize as well...if not daily, at least 3-4 times per week.

The last couple of days, as I've prayed for the Lord to work true forgiveness in my heart (because I surely cannot forgive Rob in my own strength), I have felt some sort of release. These last 2 days are the first days that I've thought "I really don't care"...not in a giving up sense or a mean sense. I've just realized I'm actually getting to where I really, honestly do not care one iota about what he is doing...it is a non-factor in my life and in the lives of my kids. He is not a part of this...and all my family and friend connections are still intact so, really, what did I loose? Nothing but dreams and perceptions. And since they were based on deception, then they really aren't lost, either...just delayed until God shows me how they will now be fulfilled in a different and unexpected way.

Baby steps. As long as they are forward. God is so very faithful.
More later!

Where my heart is being led...

I've wrestled with hatred of late. Not extreme dislike that we label as "hatred", but I'm pretty sure it's the kind Christ described as "murder" when he was trying to explain to the Pharisees that it's more about the spirit of the law than the letter. My own heart disturbs me sometimes, but it' s a wonderful reminder of what I might become apart from my savior...and why I need one so badly. It drives me back into the arms and lap of Christ - the one and only antidote to fix my human frailties, weaknesses, and hypocrisy. The Word says the "heart is deceitful above all things...who can know it?" I would be lying to myself if I pretended that I'm OK and handling things well at every minute and every turn. I'm not. I don't. I'm OK with that. As long as I keep striving to do it correctly and keep seeking HIM. And keep putting myself on the alter as that "living sacrifice" and repenting. It's not enough to just say "yeah, I admit it. I'm sinning in this area. My heart is dark over here and I am on the throne instead of Christ" and leave it at that. I have to do something about it...I have to "prepare for rain"...

That is what has been spoken to me for sometime, and I have every excuse in the world to keep putting it off. I finally saw "Facing the Giants" this weekend and that dialog smacked me right in my kisser: 2 farmers pray for rain. One only prays and walks away, the other prays, then goes out to prepare his fields for the rain. Which one had faith that God would actually answer? The one who put forth his own hand and effort. Did he make the rain? Of course not - God still gets the glory for the answer, but he was ready for it and he put his faith to action. "Faith without works is dead". Jesus has been drawing me to prepare myself as His bride - just as I did as Rob's bride. To work on getting myself in shape. To read and study to prepare myself to be the best "wife" I can be. To seek counseling to prepare myself mentally and emotionally and to heal so I can be whole again for my kids, for Him, for any future relationship, and for myself. Basically prepare myself inside and outside - just as an engaged woman prepares for her wedding day. Prepare for His rain - to put feet to my faith. To give Him EVERYTHING and the best of it I have - not just ask for His answers then sit back and wait. To do what I can and know to do, then leave the results up to Him. He will open what He will, and shut what He will. And no person can open what He has shut, or close what He has opened. A life fully surrendered to Christ, doesn't mean pain-free, heart-ache free, trouble-free, but it does mean peace and joy - even when happiness is elusive.

Unfortunately, I haven't REALLY forgiven yet. And I have to forgive. Not for Rob's sake. For my own. My unforgiveness is hurting my relationship with my savior...and will ultimately hurt other human relationships. I have to learn to understand that forgiveness is not letting Rob off the hook, pretending it didn't happen, or saying it is "OK". It is not. It was and still is wrong. But forgiving him is relinquishing my right to make Rob pay. For it is a price he can't pay - will never be able to. Like all sin. And it is not within my right to be judge. That is God's place. For me to forgive Rob will actually free God to take His rightful place and free me of the useless burden that I cannot bear. But I am accepting that this is more of a process than a one time thing. And an act of faith. If I wait until I "feel" like forgiving him, it will never happen. And I will become bitter and jaded. I'm not willing to let that happen. That is NOT who Christ created me to be. I have to keep seeking God to work this in my heart...for I cannot on my own. I am incapable of this kind of forgiveness, of Agape love towards the man who has betrayed and hurt me and my children so mercilessly. This can only be a work of Christ in my heart through an act of bending my will to His. Jesus, make me willing to be willing...

It's not about me. It's about Jesus. I've been asking the wrong questions. I ask "why" when I should be asking "what do You want me to learn, here?". I'll ask "when" when I should be asking for His timing and for the grace to endure and glorify Him in my patient trust. I'll ask "why not" when I should be asking Him how I can lift Him up most in my circumstances. I'll ask "what if" when I should be turning it all over to Him and not worrying about the details - I cannot add one minute to my life worrying about what might or might not be.

I've also been looking from the wrong perspective. Using the wrong gauges to assess the situation. What is my purpose in life? Was it to be Rob's wife? I thought it was. But, No. Marriage was just something that happened along the way. It was beautiful and I believe it was arranged to enhance both of our life purposes...if it were nurtured and if we kept our hearts where they should have been. He chose not to, so his presence became an obstacle that threatened to defeat my purpose...which is to glorify and love God with my whole heart, soul, mind, and strength. Did God cause the divorce? No. His word says "I hate divorce" and now I know why. Because of the lives it attempts to destroy and the hurt it imparts. Notice I said attempts. I am not about to let Rob's decision cast a shadow over my life, or that of my children. I do not believe we are better without him, if he had not changed. But I do believe we are better off without who he has chosen to become. And therefore, God will fulfill the promises Rob broke, God will fill the gaps Rob left. God will take up the slack where Rob failed. God will pick up the pieces that Rob shattered. God chose not to save me FROM this pain, but He is saving me IN this pain - as long as I keep letting Him.

I am tired of the mental anguish of determining my value and worth by human standards. Especially Rob's standards. I am Christ's. That is all the validation I need. I am worthy, I am lovable, I am beautiful, I am valuable...because HE said I am. And He paid a dear price to redeem me. No matter if any other created human being ever thinks so or says so. God forgive me for seeking anything apart from you!!!

I purpose to fulfill my purpose. I purpose to give Him everything I've got. My best. This is a scary declaration - because I know I will fail at times. But ultimately...I WILL love Him no matter what. I WILL serve Him no matter what. I am my Beloved's and He is mine. And nothing....NOTHING can separate me from His love. Though He slay me, yet will I praise Him.

One last observation: while I recognize I have not been "preparing for rain" as I should yet (and that changes TODAY), I will say this. When Christ is becoming your everything, when you get to a place in your life that He is all you have, then your worship certainly becomes more free. Frankly, I don't care anymore what people think of how I worship. I don't care if I look like an utter fool - I, as David, will kick up my heels and dance - even at the disdain of my loved ones. Because HE IS WORTHY OF IT.

The anticipation of where He may take me once I start acting on my prayers and my faith...is awesomely breathtaking. I want my life to be poured out - to allow every single circumstance - good and bad - to scream of His wonder, faithfulness, mercy, love, and grace. To Him who sits on the throne be all blessing, honor, glory and power forever. Amen.

The adventure continues... And what a grand adventure it is becoming!

Niederman Farm

Saturday, we had a great day! We spent the afternoon at the Neiderman farm doing all that fun fall stuff - pumpkin patches, hay rides, petting zoo, playing, corn maze, etc. They got a nice little set up, those Niederman's. And the corn maze was a tribute to the Thunderhawks...apparently the farm is in Lakota territory.

Here is grandma and grandpa relaxing with the boys.

With a baa, baa here and a neigh, neigh there...

Noah loved playing in this little house! We couldn't get him to do anything else!

The pumpkin patch was getting a little dry and picked over - it was after Halloween after all.

Yee Haw! Farmer Ethan and Farmer Noah!

Afterwards, we went to Uncle Brandon's house for a weiner roast and smores. Fun! As the night wore on and the kids wore down, Carla snapped this rare and wonderful picture of the kids just chillin in front of the fire pit. They slept well that night, I'll tell you. Of course, they were up bright and early becuase we "fell back". Extra hour of sleep my patootie. ;)

Halloween 2008

We got some serious crime fighting capabilities going right here!

I tried to talk Noah into Robin, but he would NOT be a sidekick - he wanted to be just as much of a hero as Ethan. The competition is fierce I tell you. It reminds me of the scene in LOTR (which one I cannot remember) when Gimli and Legolas are keeping count of how many orcs they kill...I think that was the battle of Helm's Deep? Anyway, no one will be outdone in our house... :)

Time for corn mazes and other fun!

Here is our first corn maze of the season...

Which way should we go?

Noah is always off in his own world singing and dancing...
Exhausted after tag/hide-n-go-seek with mommy.
I totally kicked their butts.

Fall 2008

Disney on the rocks...

So here we are in our hoity-toity US Bank Arena BOX (you heard right...it's all about who you know, people...private box with unlimited drinks, private restroom, dinner served, chips and popcorn to snack on...I've been officially "spoiled") awaiting the start of "Disney on Ice"...

We started out with their FULL attention - it is Lightening McQueen, after all!

But once Ariel and the Prince kissed all was lost...

Direct quote from Ethan: "Aw, mom. Is this going to be a girl show?"

But wait...Lion King. Hope springs eternal! Stampeding Wildebeest's and Lions, etc. Ok, this can work (with the exception of "Can't you feel the love tonight...")

But then came act 2 - entirely devoted to.....

TINKER BELL.

Disney may know their audience, but they are going to loose and entire generation of males if they keep up all this princess crap all the time!

C'mon - give us pirates and space adventures, and danger and swordplay!

(the girl in me did think it was pretty, though...but I gotta stand up for 'me boys!)

Mommy's favorite part of the show: getting obviously hit on by the much younger ice cream vendor! ;) Course, I'm sure it had NOTHING to do with him trying to sell me $5 scoops of Cold Stone and had EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I'm just a hot tamale... (eye roll)

And here is just a random shot I forgot about from our "welcome home' party on Labor Day. MMMMMMM...cupcakes good!

Last of the summer fun...

So nice to lay my head on my pillow every night and know, no matter how tired and frustrated I may be, that I'm doing right by my boys. Nothing in this world is worth the price of them...or my soul.

On the school front - Ethan continues to make progress with his writing. Still not smooth, but coming along. Noah has a penchant for tracing as he has begun tracing shapes and his name in preschool.

Tomorrow, I find out what the next step in our labor negotiations are. One possibility, if a contract was not reached tonight, is what they call 'work to rule'. Meaning the teachers show the board and community just how much of our time is "free" by only showing up at contracted time (7:05), leaving at contracted time (2:35) and doing absolutely NOTHING outside of the classroom. Prep time must be used to prep/create lesson plans. Grading will be done in class. No after school detentions, meetings, etc. Basically, we go to teaching straight out of the text using publishers materials because there won't be time to create cool labs and materials. Heck, almost 1/2 of what I do is outside my classroom time. I hope, if we do anything, we do this first. That way I'm still getting paid. Some good news - I found out they can't fire any of us for striking. That helps. Plus the bus drivers (Teamsters) put out a press release - they will honor our picket line if we go there. Meaning no bus service.

Moral has been a little low, but today I got a boost. As I was standing in line for dinner, a parent introduced herself and re-assured me of parental support for the teachers and let me know she had contacted the board to give them an earful. THAT's what we need - the customers rooting for us! :)

I really need to get a new profile picture with my kids.

That's it. No big news. No grand ideas. No deep thoughts today.

Just the realization that we haven't had portraits taken since summer '07. I didn't even get birthday photos this last year - just too much stuff on my plate.

Being a single parent sucks. Especially when you keep getting harassed by the "parent" who left you to take care of the kids alone. Even the boys are tired of the relentless, daily intrusion.

Ok...I guess there was a little rant in there, all bottled up.

Pictures. Yes. I really need to get an updated family portrait.

Oh - and I'm enjoying my job...but my voice is getting worse, not better. Please pray. I'm going to have to break down and go to an ENT to figure out why, even after a period of rest, I do not feel any improvement.

Dear Lord, please don't take my voice from me. I have things to say, praises to sing. Jehovah, Rophe...heal me, please.

luv???

All my democrat friends and family still loves me...right?

Oh how I long for a really good, strong, libertarian or independent candidate to show up...the machine is crooked - be it elephants or donkeys.

They've got my vote!

This is the state of my political involvement this year. Sad, so sad...yet freeing! :) Actually I saw a bumper sticker that summed up my feelings even more. It read....

Jesus, 2008

please come get us before November!

OK - now I'm going to let my completely immature humor come out and share with you the two best Republican "slogans" I've heard (they make me giggle)...

#1 - I'm republican....because not everyone can be on welfare.

#2 - McCain 2008... because old is still better than stupid.

Please understand - I'm much more of an intelligent thinker than that - but they are funny! :) And yes, I do believe in helping my fellow man who needs it...why I've benefitted the past year from our welfare program. But you and I both know it is abused, lacks accountability, and enables the dishonest. Plus it is extremely wasteful. And I'm suspicious of Obama. Sorry...just am. Where did he come from? Who is he really? How did he rise so quickly from obscurity? As the White Stripes sing..."I think I smell a rat".

So I will do my civic duty and exercize the right my suffragete sisters fought for me to have. But this year is a year I am very disgusted with the two party system. I mean, I have more choices in ketchup at the grocery store than I have in leader of my country. And that is just wrong.

Even though I'm not typically a "party line" voter, and I don't think there is any candidate that represents my views very thoroughly this year, I do have to set one thing straight. We did not have this financial crisis until we elected a democratically run congress. There. I said it. Yes, Bush may be president, but he really has no control over the economics - not like congress. So I'm voting for change, all right. GET THE DEMS OUT BEFORE THEY BANKRUPT US ALL!!!! Let THEM rescue Wall Street. My paycheck is stretched enough.