That a former lover can become an enemy? That someone who pledged life and love to you, promised to look out for your best interest, to have your back, could turn into a saboteur? That a former minister who preached and lived mercy to others could, in turn, become so merciless to his own family?
My financial situation may be taking a turn for the worse due to Rob's negligence with our house in MN, and the fact that the retirement monies I was awarded are gone. I desire your prayers. I'm quite angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, vengeful...you name it....I seem to be feeling it.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Things that make me enjoy teaching
I have to write a book one day of all the funny, insane, unbelievable things adolescents do and say in school...but I'm afraid parents would never want to send their kids back! (LOL)
Today, a 9th grader, 15 years old, got her hand STUCK in the opening of the chair. No one, not even she, is completely sure how she did it. We greased her up with lotion and wiggled it out. Both hand and owner are ok.
But I almost wet myself. Now I know you are not supposed to laugh at your students, but c'mon! How can you NOT laugh at the absurdity!
Especially when I'm mostly NOT laughing of late at how lazy they are all getting. This time of year is terrible in academia. In far enough to be tired of it all, not close enough to the end to really care yet. All that equals an apathy the size of a small planet, an increase in cheating, a laxing of behavior, attitude, personal responsibility/pride/high standards. Coupled with an increase in hormones. My approach to the PDA - embarrass them as much as I can. Sigh, it get's tougher to do that every year.
Today, a 9th grader, 15 years old, got her hand STUCK in the opening of the chair. No one, not even she, is completely sure how she did it. We greased her up with lotion and wiggled it out. Both hand and owner are ok.
But I almost wet myself. Now I know you are not supposed to laugh at your students, but c'mon! How can you NOT laugh at the absurdity!
Especially when I'm mostly NOT laughing of late at how lazy they are all getting. This time of year is terrible in academia. In far enough to be tired of it all, not close enough to the end to really care yet. All that equals an apathy the size of a small planet, an increase in cheating, a laxing of behavior, attitude, personal responsibility/pride/high standards. Coupled with an increase in hormones. My approach to the PDA - embarrass them as much as I can. Sigh, it get's tougher to do that every year.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Something I've been pondering...
The subtlety of sin. As a child, you like to believe the world is a black and white place. The boundaries are clear. There are good guys, and bad guys. There is right and there is wrong and you will know it when you see it.
But why, then, would people ever choose wrong? Why would people choose things that will hurt them, or others, on purpose?
Even in my life I'm learning that sin is very subtle and gradual. Some days I'll find myself somewhere I never intended to be - in attitude, in my thoughts, or even physically in a place I have no business being - and wonder "how did I get here?" I can trace back the path through a series of small compromises here and there. Ever so "innocent" decisions made one small step at a time until I find myself one giant leap off the path I should be on. Oswald Chambers said this: “...the penalty of sin is that gradually you get used to it and do not know it is sin.” Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, 3/16. That pretty much sums it up.
The Word says the penalty of sin is death. Most of us think of death as a sudden onset. One minute we are alive, then tragically we are not. This is not the kind of death that sin leads to. This is the terminal illness sort of death. The slow fade. This is spiritual hospice - you enter in to die. Not for treatment, not for healing, just to be comfortable until the inevitable happens.
I no longer expect to feel some sudden, deep conviction for my sin. I am past that point. That kind of conviction is not for those who have been in an intimate relationship with their savior for years. The longer you are a soldier, the more cunning your enemy has to become to get you. You know how to look for land mines. You can spot sabotage and ambush from miles away. He has to resort to espionage. No, I must be ever so diligent to pay close attention to the details of my heart.
A new gardener may just look at their soil, say "ah, that's nice and black. Must be fertile" and get to planting. Someone who's been around a garden for a while may realize that color is not the only indicator of fertility and actually have samples chemically analyzed to know where there is weakness in the soil. That is me. I must keep my heart under the microscope, in the chemistry lab. It reminds me of that Sunday School song: "be careful little eyes what you see, ears what you hear, feet where you walk..." The world is ever pervasive and so very seductive. I am not of this world. I must remember that.
“For this people’s heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; ... But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear.” Matt 13:15-16. Jesus, do a soil examination of my heart. Bring me back to a place of innocence - make my eyes to see and my ears to hear. Remove that which has dulled me, desensitized me. For you, if anyone, are able to keep me from stumbling.
To you be the honor and glory forever, my king.
But why, then, would people ever choose wrong? Why would people choose things that will hurt them, or others, on purpose?
Even in my life I'm learning that sin is very subtle and gradual. Some days I'll find myself somewhere I never intended to be - in attitude, in my thoughts, or even physically in a place I have no business being - and wonder "how did I get here?" I can trace back the path through a series of small compromises here and there. Ever so "innocent" decisions made one small step at a time until I find myself one giant leap off the path I should be on. Oswald Chambers said this: “...the penalty of sin is that gradually you get used to it and do not know it is sin.” Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, 3/16. That pretty much sums it up.
The Word says the penalty of sin is death. Most of us think of death as a sudden onset. One minute we are alive, then tragically we are not. This is not the kind of death that sin leads to. This is the terminal illness sort of death. The slow fade. This is spiritual hospice - you enter in to die. Not for treatment, not for healing, just to be comfortable until the inevitable happens.
I no longer expect to feel some sudden, deep conviction for my sin. I am past that point. That kind of conviction is not for those who have been in an intimate relationship with their savior for years. The longer you are a soldier, the more cunning your enemy has to become to get you. You know how to look for land mines. You can spot sabotage and ambush from miles away. He has to resort to espionage. No, I must be ever so diligent to pay close attention to the details of my heart.
A new gardener may just look at their soil, say "ah, that's nice and black. Must be fertile" and get to planting. Someone who's been around a garden for a while may realize that color is not the only indicator of fertility and actually have samples chemically analyzed to know where there is weakness in the soil. That is me. I must keep my heart under the microscope, in the chemistry lab. It reminds me of that Sunday School song: "be careful little eyes what you see, ears what you hear, feet where you walk..." The world is ever pervasive and so very seductive. I am not of this world. I must remember that.
“For this people’s heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; ... But blessed are your eyes, for they see: and your ears, for they hear.” Matt 13:15-16. Jesus, do a soil examination of my heart. Bring me back to a place of innocence - make my eyes to see and my ears to hear. Remove that which has dulled me, desensitized me. For you, if anyone, are able to keep me from stumbling.
To you be the honor and glory forever, my king.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The Magic of the Circus
I got the privilege of sharing in yet another right of passage of childhood...taking my sons to see the circus for the first time. I knew they would love it, but I was not prepared for some of the excited reactions. It is true...when you witness the look of sheer pleasure, excitement, and wonder on the faces of your own children, the feeling is indescribable. Thank you Ringling Bros. You were amazing when I was a child, but even more amazing as I shared you with my own children.
These next two pics are poor representations of the spectacular finish. Color, confetti, acrobats, animals, clowns, the whole bit out on the floor in a grand finale of fun.
Since we were enjoying the show from our wonderful private box (like Disney on Ice), some of my camera shots aren't the best. These were some acrobats doing all kinds of cool stunts on these long poles. Ethan thought it was cool because they were dressed as bugs and the poles were supposed to be grass. He caught the symbolism which was really cool for me.
One of my favorite features have always been the elephants and the tigers. The giddiness I felt was quite nostalgic. The kids were in awe that 1)animals as big as elephants could do tricks and not squish each other, 2) elephants would hold each other's tails and 3) that man in the cage with the tigers was so brave.
The only bad part about the box was the trapeze...the artists were behind the scaffolding most of the time. Otherwise the box gave you a more complete view of everything happening. Here is one of the only pics I was able to get...
I distinctly remember this bit from my own childhood - the round cage in which several motorcycles drive in circles without crashing. Of course, when I was a kid, I remember a man walking along the outside of the cage as it spinned through the air as well. My boys thought this was the coolest thing they've ever seen - even cooler than monster trucks!
And, of course, colorful costumes and horses are a staple. Noah thought most of the horses looked like unicorns, because of the big feathery thing they wear on the top of their heads. Course, the only pic I managed to get DID NOT have a feathery thing...oh, well.
Here are 2 very satisfied circus customers. I'd ask them what their favorite part was. It kept changing about every 5 minutes. "the motorcycles! No, wait...the tigers! No, my mostest favorite was the elephants!..."
These next two pics are poor representations of the spectacular finish. Color, confetti, acrobats, animals, clowns, the whole bit out on the floor in a grand finale of fun.
Since we were enjoying the show from our wonderful private box (like Disney on Ice), some of my camera shots aren't the best. These were some acrobats doing all kinds of cool stunts on these long poles. Ethan thought it was cool because they were dressed as bugs and the poles were supposed to be grass. He caught the symbolism which was really cool for me.
One of my favorite features have always been the elephants and the tigers. The giddiness I felt was quite nostalgic. The kids were in awe that 1)animals as big as elephants could do tricks and not squish each other, 2) elephants would hold each other's tails and 3) that man in the cage with the tigers was so brave.
The only bad part about the box was the trapeze...the artists were behind the scaffolding most of the time. Otherwise the box gave you a more complete view of everything happening. Here is one of the only pics I was able to get...
I distinctly remember this bit from my own childhood - the round cage in which several motorcycles drive in circles without crashing. Of course, when I was a kid, I remember a man walking along the outside of the cage as it spinned through the air as well. My boys thought this was the coolest thing they've ever seen - even cooler than monster trucks!
Of course, running a close second in "coolness" was the guy who drove the motorcycle on the high wire with a girl swinging below...then they proceeded to spin around the wire without falling off.
These guys did all kinds of fun tricks on these big, bouncy inner tubes - a lot of flipping. Ethan said he wanted to try it. Mom envisioned busted heads... :)
And, of course, colorful costumes and horses are a staple. Noah thought most of the horses looked like unicorns, because of the big feathery thing they wear on the top of their heads. Course, the only pic I managed to get DID NOT have a feathery thing...oh, well.Here are 2 very satisfied circus customers. I'd ask them what their favorite part was. It kept changing about every 5 minutes. "the motorcycles! No, wait...the tigers! No, my mostest favorite was the elephants!..."Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Favorites #6
Ask A Ninja
I discovered the ninja through my friend James. All I can really say about him is...you just gotta see it. Narcissism was never so fun!
Friday, March 6, 2009
30ish?
Du-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nuh! Today is my Birthday! Du-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nu-nuh! We're gonna have a good time!...
I have a second date tonight! Woo-hoo! With Mr. "you are ravishingly beautiful and I'm going to kiss your hand and tell you what an amazing woman I think you are..." :)
You know the benefit of dating when you are older? You can enjoy the ego boost and the compliments knowing full well this guy is putting on all the charm he can muster for you. You can allow yourself to have fun and enjoy yourself while knowing that it's not exactly real or true. There is an agenda to dating, of course. You don't, like the school girl you used to be, give your heart away at the first words of affection whispered to you. You can allow yourself to be appreciated by a member of the opposite sex without assuming, or hoping such appreciation is more than just appreciation. Just enjoy the company, enjoy a possible new friendship, and be thankful you have an adult your age to converse with in a relaxed, casual manner.
So I'm feeling good! I'm still loosing weight - but now it's because I'm eating right and exercising regularly(so it's slower, but healthier than before). Loving the exercise! Job is going well. Kids are adjusting, and I'm beginning to get more involved at church and have a social life apart from my kids and family. Also still feeling good inside - like some healing threshold was finally reached. Honestly, I hardly give him a second thought of late. And that feels REALLY GOOD.
I have a second date tonight! Woo-hoo! With Mr. "you are ravishingly beautiful and I'm going to kiss your hand and tell you what an amazing woman I think you are..." :)
You know the benefit of dating when you are older? You can enjoy the ego boost and the compliments knowing full well this guy is putting on all the charm he can muster for you. You can allow yourself to have fun and enjoy yourself while knowing that it's not exactly real or true. There is an agenda to dating, of course. You don't, like the school girl you used to be, give your heart away at the first words of affection whispered to you. You can allow yourself to be appreciated by a member of the opposite sex without assuming, or hoping such appreciation is more than just appreciation. Just enjoy the company, enjoy a possible new friendship, and be thankful you have an adult your age to converse with in a relaxed, casual manner.
So I'm feeling good! I'm still loosing weight - but now it's because I'm eating right and exercising regularly(so it's slower, but healthier than before). Loving the exercise! Job is going well. Kids are adjusting, and I'm beginning to get more involved at church and have a social life apart from my kids and family. Also still feeling good inside - like some healing threshold was finally reached. Honestly, I hardly give him a second thought of late. And that feels REALLY GOOD.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Getting "out there" again
So, I've been on a couple of dates here and there - nothing serious, of course. But at least it's not as weird as I thought.
One even told me I was ravishing and mesmerizing. I didn't giggle on the outside, but I certainly was inside! Would you believe there are still some chivalrous guys out there? I thought they were gone...but being walked to your car, having doors opened, a guy who stands when you walk in the room, or kisses your hand in greeting...
It feels nice...but reminds me to keep my heart guarded. Reminds me I'm still vulnerable.
But I'm also having fun, finally!
One even told me I was ravishing and mesmerizing. I didn't giggle on the outside, but I certainly was inside! Would you believe there are still some chivalrous guys out there? I thought they were gone...but being walked to your car, having doors opened, a guy who stands when you walk in the room, or kisses your hand in greeting...
It feels nice...but reminds me to keep my heart guarded. Reminds me I'm still vulnerable.
But I'm also having fun, finally!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Favs #5
Monty Python
Here is another mixed review: These guys were AWESOME and quirky and fun, though at times inappropriate and irreverent. So there is much of their stuff I would never recommend you watching and I, myself, avoid. But I find that in almost every situation or conversation I have, there is a line from one of their skits or movies that is always at the ready to insert itself. It's funny - my mother uses them as a gauge of someone who has a terrible sense of humor, while I use them in an opposite way. Seems like everyone I've met either loves their humor or hates it. But you have to admit - they certainly blazed a trail that led to some mighty fine comedy...and eventually to groups like Kids in the Hall.
If you never expected me to have Monty Python listed as one of my favorites, then I only have one thing to say: "no one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition". :)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
another step...
I almost don't want to say it for fear of "jinxing" myself (of course I don't believe in that - just an expression) but since this blog serves not only as a "news channel" for those of you keeping tabs on me from afar and my own personal journal/memory maker, I have to make notes as they come...for my own sake. Just as the Israelites created monuments, feasts, and markers to identify places, times, and events that they needed to remember as part of their own journeys, this serves as my reminder. It's therapeutic, but also helps me speak to my soul when it is down - and it is good to remind ourselves of the places we have come from so we can have hope for the places to where we are going.
So here it is. I think that for the last week or so, I've actually crossed some line, some threshold. I've been able to say "I forgive"...and actually feel in my heart that I mean it. I actually feel as if I'm moving forward rather than spinning my wheels. It's hard to explain what has happened or how it is different...it just "is". I still feel pain and regret. I still feel the sting of loss. But it's not so overpowering and I don't feel this deep need to "make him pay" right now. THAT, my friends, is huge. I cannot tell you how frightened I was at my own thoughts and motives at times. How hopeless I felt - like I'd never escape the bitterness, anger, vindictiveness, unforgiveness that threatened to consume me. And I fully acknowledge with humble gratitude, that this change has not come about by any action on my part other than lying before my creator, broken, and crying out for Him to save me from myself. It is through His strength that I am here, and my own weakness. I could not do it. Still can't. Any forgiveness towards him comes from Christ in me, for the carnal side of Lori still wants justice - wants him to hurt as much as he hurt me.
I'm trying to be realistic - most likely I won't stay here. I'm sure I'll be back in the mud wrestling with it all again. most likely I will have to wake up one morning and CHOOSE to forgive him - even though I don't feel it. But while I do feel it, I want to record it to remember...
So, thank you, dear Jesus. Friend, comforter, provider, protector, defender, peace maker. Thank you redeemer, husband, king. Thank you Emmanuel, God with ME and El-Shaddai, God Almighty and all-sufficient.
Your grace is enough...
So here it is. I think that for the last week or so, I've actually crossed some line, some threshold. I've been able to say "I forgive"...and actually feel in my heart that I mean it. I actually feel as if I'm moving forward rather than spinning my wheels. It's hard to explain what has happened or how it is different...it just "is". I still feel pain and regret. I still feel the sting of loss. But it's not so overpowering and I don't feel this deep need to "make him pay" right now. THAT, my friends, is huge. I cannot tell you how frightened I was at my own thoughts and motives at times. How hopeless I felt - like I'd never escape the bitterness, anger, vindictiveness, unforgiveness that threatened to consume me. And I fully acknowledge with humble gratitude, that this change has not come about by any action on my part other than lying before my creator, broken, and crying out for Him to save me from myself. It is through His strength that I am here, and my own weakness. I could not do it. Still can't. Any forgiveness towards him comes from Christ in me, for the carnal side of Lori still wants justice - wants him to hurt as much as he hurt me.
I'm trying to be realistic - most likely I won't stay here. I'm sure I'll be back in the mud wrestling with it all again. most likely I will have to wake up one morning and CHOOSE to forgive him - even though I don't feel it. But while I do feel it, I want to record it to remember...
So, thank you, dear Jesus. Friend, comforter, provider, protector, defender, peace maker. Thank you redeemer, husband, king. Thank you Emmanuel, God with ME and El-Shaddai, God Almighty and all-sufficient.
Your grace is enough...
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Theater
This should probably go under one of my favorites, but I just have to say...
I am REALLY enjoying getting back involved in theater again. Working as the high school Tech director is stoking that flame that I allowed to die down some. It was being fanned some at Real Life Church and that is one thing I was really bummed about when making my decision to move to Ohio. Now, I'm learning a lot more about the sound and lights, and enjoying the energy of the high school students. Plus this experience is solidifying something I kinda figured in college - tech crew folks are a lot of fun! Not nearly as much drama or as many divas back in the booth as there are on the stage! ;) I'm starting to inquire about possibilities at my new church, and once I have my vocal surgery and get recovered, I want to start looking into community theater and opportunities around the Cincy area.
Why did I pull back from this activity that I enjoy so very much? Oh, right. I did it because I thought my theater involvement was taking too much time and attention away from my husband and I wanted to be a loyal wife and concentrate on our relationship and marriage...
I'm going to try really hard to believe I didn't waste my efforts. From my end, it taught me love that is sacrificial, that is unconditional, that is more interested in the other person than in yourself. So that wasn't wasted, I suppose. I'm a better woman for it. Can't help that the recipient wasted it for himself. Guess that's what "unconditional" really means, huh?
My children are going to enjoy growing up "in the theater" I think. Noah was quite a hit with the older kids when I took him along the other day. I'm taking them to see our production of "Really Rosie" on Sunday. I'll let you know how it goes!
I am REALLY enjoying getting back involved in theater again. Working as the high school Tech director is stoking that flame that I allowed to die down some. It was being fanned some at Real Life Church and that is one thing I was really bummed about when making my decision to move to Ohio. Now, I'm learning a lot more about the sound and lights, and enjoying the energy of the high school students. Plus this experience is solidifying something I kinda figured in college - tech crew folks are a lot of fun! Not nearly as much drama or as many divas back in the booth as there are on the stage! ;) I'm starting to inquire about possibilities at my new church, and once I have my vocal surgery and get recovered, I want to start looking into community theater and opportunities around the Cincy area.
Why did I pull back from this activity that I enjoy so very much? Oh, right. I did it because I thought my theater involvement was taking too much time and attention away from my husband and I wanted to be a loyal wife and concentrate on our relationship and marriage...
I'm going to try really hard to believe I didn't waste my efforts. From my end, it taught me love that is sacrificial, that is unconditional, that is more interested in the other person than in yourself. So that wasn't wasted, I suppose. I'm a better woman for it. Can't help that the recipient wasted it for himself. Guess that's what "unconditional" really means, huh?
My children are going to enjoy growing up "in the theater" I think. Noah was quite a hit with the older kids when I took him along the other day. I'm taking them to see our production of "Really Rosie" on Sunday. I'll let you know how it goes!
Fav's entry #4
I know, I know. It's outrageously expensive. It's ridiculously full of fat and calories (at least the ones I drink are). But I feel like its a special treat when I get my Starbucks coffee. Or Caribou.
Maybe it's a special treat because I mostly drink Folger's with some fancy-schmancy creamer in it. (sigh) Just not the same.
The Governor's education plan...
maybe he should rethink funding an additional 20 days of school, and use the money to buy some plows so we can make use of the current days we have.
Total calamity days used: 9
Total allowed:5
So we have to make up 4 days, and it's only the beginning of February. It took me 2 hours to get home yesterday. Normally is a 20 minute drive in all. The snow had stopped by 10PM! They could not get the streets cleared enough from 10 pM until 6 this morning so that we could have school.
At this rate, I'm going to be teaching right into July... ugh.
Total calamity days used: 9
Total allowed:5
So we have to make up 4 days, and it's only the beginning of February. It took me 2 hours to get home yesterday. Normally is a 20 minute drive in all. The snow had stopped by 10PM! They could not get the streets cleared enough from 10 pM until 6 this morning so that we could have school.
At this rate, I'm going to be teaching right into July... ugh.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Having a sad day
It's been a while, but two things have happened.
First, I saw a picture of some dear friends of ours. It was the reaction of the children, upon coming home from a play date to find their dad, who had been gone for a while, finally home. It was beautiful. There was such excitement and joy not only in the kids faces, but in the fathers. You could just tell there was no where any of them would rather be than with each other. That triggered a deep longing and sadness in me. THAT is what my children are supposed to be experiencing. THAT is what I'm supposed to have. And there are still times when I don't understand why God would would have allowed that to be taken from us.
And second, I watched Fireproof. I probably shouldn't have. In that movie, the man decided that he loved his wife more than the porn - and did what was necessary to guard his heart, rather than just saying "God made me this way so I might as well enjoy it..." (what a weak and cowardly stance to take). He stopped blaming God, his wife, his mom and everyone else, stopped building himself up to be "a good person" and took responsibility for his junk. Then did something about it.
I do take comfort in this thought...the boys and I probably never had the dad in that picture to start with. And I probably never had the husband who loved me above himself to start with. Not really. It was a sham. Like the holodeck on Star Trek - so real. Interactive. But a complete fantasy. Me and the children were real. He was a poser. A fake. And I have to have hope that, because I was real, because I was faithful, that Ethan, Noah and I will experience the real...especially now that there is room for it with the removal of the fake.
My loneliness sometimes has a way of refracting the light a bit to make the lies seem like they could be truth. Like the lie that Rob may somehow be completely normal. That living with casual sexuality and abandoning your family vows and responsibilities can somehow be "OK". That Rob is a "decent guy" apart from this - that his character can be compartmentalized. I'm smart enough, during these times, to reach out and not rely on my own feelings - for feelings are deceptive. A dear friend encouraged me with this:
I have to not give up - I have to keep seeking Jesus Christ as my filler for that empty place and stop entertaining the idea that Rob has actually found a way to fill it apart from Christ. My children will learn how to fill their empty place through me. Some days I feel like David, who with the strength of the Lord, slew the giant. Other days I feel like Gideon hiding in the wine press, wondering why in the world would an angel refer to me as "mighty warrior"? Why can I see the folly of the Israelites, who doubted God shortly after witnessing miracles, but I cannot see my own folly (that does the same thing) in time to stop it - or put an end to it altogether.
I've heard that Mother Teresa began her life's work based on ONE revelation from God when she was a young girl. Imagine that. She never wavered even though she never heard from Christ in that way ever again. She died doing the last thing she was commanded to do. She got her orders and set to them, and she assumed she was to continue until she heard "stop". Yet here I seek a new, fresh revelation daily, and if I don't get it, I doubt the original one. What a poor soldier I make.
First, I saw a picture of some dear friends of ours. It was the reaction of the children, upon coming home from a play date to find their dad, who had been gone for a while, finally home. It was beautiful. There was such excitement and joy not only in the kids faces, but in the fathers. You could just tell there was no where any of them would rather be than with each other. That triggered a deep longing and sadness in me. THAT is what my children are supposed to be experiencing. THAT is what I'm supposed to have. And there are still times when I don't understand why God would would have allowed that to be taken from us.
And second, I watched Fireproof. I probably shouldn't have. In that movie, the man decided that he loved his wife more than the porn - and did what was necessary to guard his heart, rather than just saying "God made me this way so I might as well enjoy it..." (what a weak and cowardly stance to take). He stopped blaming God, his wife, his mom and everyone else, stopped building himself up to be "a good person" and took responsibility for his junk. Then did something about it.
I do take comfort in this thought...the boys and I probably never had the dad in that picture to start with. And I probably never had the husband who loved me above himself to start with. Not really. It was a sham. Like the holodeck on Star Trek - so real. Interactive. But a complete fantasy. Me and the children were real. He was a poser. A fake. And I have to have hope that, because I was real, because I was faithful, that Ethan, Noah and I will experience the real...especially now that there is room for it with the removal of the fake.
My loneliness sometimes has a way of refracting the light a bit to make the lies seem like they could be truth. Like the lie that Rob may somehow be completely normal. That living with casual sexuality and abandoning your family vows and responsibilities can somehow be "OK". That Rob is a "decent guy" apart from this - that his character can be compartmentalized. I'm smart enough, during these times, to reach out and not rely on my own feelings - for feelings are deceptive. A dear friend encouraged me with this:
Why would your desire subside if you've been feeding it and growing it? That doesn't make sense. It totally makes sense that it would GROW the more you feed it. Do you know the story, "How to kill a wolf?" Eskimos put a little bit of blood on a sharp knife out in the snow. A wolf is attracted to the smell of the blood and begins to lick it. As the wolf does this, he cuts his own tongue and starts to bleed more which creates more of a blood lust in the wolf. The wolf eventually dies from his own bleeding, and he never knows it. Obviously, this is metaphor for our sin -- especially our lusts and desires. Your desire will not subside by giving in to it. That's a lie. Rob is lying if he says this is true. I KNOW this is not true. Maybe he gets bored with it for a while, but then it just takes more and different things to "fill" his empty place. THIS is why he, you and anyone else would fall prey to pornography. TO FILL AN EMPTY PLACE. The TRUTH though is that it only makes the empty place bigger.
I have to not give up - I have to keep seeking Jesus Christ as my filler for that empty place and stop entertaining the idea that Rob has actually found a way to fill it apart from Christ. My children will learn how to fill their empty place through me. Some days I feel like David, who with the strength of the Lord, slew the giant. Other days I feel like Gideon hiding in the wine press, wondering why in the world would an angel refer to me as "mighty warrior"? Why can I see the folly of the Israelites, who doubted God shortly after witnessing miracles, but I cannot see my own folly (that does the same thing) in time to stop it - or put an end to it altogether.
I've heard that Mother Teresa began her life's work based on ONE revelation from God when she was a young girl. Imagine that. She never wavered even though she never heard from Christ in that way ever again. She died doing the last thing she was commanded to do. She got her orders and set to them, and she assumed she was to continue until she heard "stop". Yet here I seek a new, fresh revelation daily, and if I don't get it, I doubt the original one. What a poor soldier I make.
Kids really do say the darndest things...
Especially 3-year-olds who are too funny for their own good.
Noah has had a bout of gastroenteritis, and it has moved to the lower colon if you know what I mean. He was complaining of a sore butt.
Mommy: "well, when we get home, we will put some cream on it."
Noah: "what the? You mean you have butt cream?"
Mommy: (trying very hard to not pee her pants) "yeah, we have butt cream."
Noah: "that's awesome."
It really must be great to be so easily impressed. Not a cynical bone in that kid's body. He genuinely meant every word. Butt cream is AWESOME!!!
Noah has had a bout of gastroenteritis, and it has moved to the lower colon if you know what I mean. He was complaining of a sore butt.
Mommy: "well, when we get home, we will put some cream on it."
Noah: "what the? You mean you have butt cream?"
Mommy: (trying very hard to not pee her pants) "yeah, we have butt cream."
Noah: "that's awesome."
It really must be great to be so easily impressed. Not a cynical bone in that kid's body. He genuinely meant every word. Butt cream is AWESOME!!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Newport Aquarium
A bit pricey without any coupons or discounts, but all in all a nice little day trip. Much more than just fish. Ethan and Noah really enjoyed themselves. They got to hand feed parakeets, see divers, experience a simulated shark cage dive, and of course lots and lots of fish. They seemed to be especially intrigued by the sharks, sting rays, sea turtles, and alligators. The closest they've come to this is Underwater World in the Mall of America. This was much better and bigger. Still had the cool tunnel, but lots of other stuff, too. I enjoyed the frogs, myself. Still think tree frogs are some of the cutest things I've ever laid eyes on.
Snow days...
First snow day was a novelty. Second was a restful blessing. Third...I'm just plain bored. Boy do I appreciate MNDOT!!!
The ice that fell made the trees look like glass ornaments. Luckily, not enough to break power lines and such. We've had heat and electricity the entire time, thank the Lord!
Mommies treat: a woodpecker (female Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker)
This was a better snow than the first 3 inches. This packed. We immediately set to building a snowman. While it did pack, it's been so long since I made one, my skills are rusty. So he still ended up kind of small. Noah said it was his little brother... :)
Snow angels are a staple. Noah made snow "blobs"...
Not having a garage in Ohio really stinks. I had to dig my car out from under the snow, then hit the ice. My entire car was a glacier. Ethan enjoyed using his "karate" chops and kicks to break the ice. It slid off in huge sheets. It was really cool! Difficult to remove, but cool.
This is mommy - exhausted after shoveling, building snowmen, having an all-out snowball war, and spending a total of about 1.5 hours clearing the car by the time it was driveable. Ethan told me to make an "exhausted" face. I guess technically this is more of a "dead" face...just need "x's" on my eyelids.
The ice that fell made the trees look like glass ornaments. Luckily, not enough to break power lines and such. We've had heat and electricity the entire time, thank the Lord!
Mommies treat: a woodpecker (female Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker)First, we measured. Estimates showed about 3-4 inches on bottom, about 1/2 inch of ice that fell as freezing rain on top of that, then another 4-5 inches. Of course, we've heard various "official" records, but it's right around the 8-9 inches total (for the snow)
This was a better snow than the first 3 inches. This packed. We immediately set to building a snowman. While it did pack, it's been so long since I made one, my skills are rusty. So he still ended up kind of small. Noah said it was his little brother... :)
Snow angels are a staple. Noah made snow "blobs"...
Not having a garage in Ohio really stinks. I had to dig my car out from under the snow, then hit the ice. My entire car was a glacier. Ethan enjoyed using his "karate" chops and kicks to break the ice. It slid off in huge sheets. It was really cool! Difficult to remove, but cool.This is mommy - exhausted after shoveling, building snowmen, having an all-out snowball war, and spending a total of about 1.5 hours clearing the car by the time it was driveable. Ethan told me to make an "exhausted" face. I guess technically this is more of a "dead" face...just need "x's" on my eyelids.Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Fav's entry #3
Trees
Today's entry is a mixed one. I've always loved trees. The things that live on and in them. Climbing them. The smell. The sounds. The different shapes of leaves. The differing textures and colors of bark. The tall, straight ones and the short, gnarled ones. I always loved the story of the Swiss Family Robinson and envied their tree home. Trees make me feel safe, protected. Yet can be ominous and mysterious and downright scary to a young girl at night on a camping trip hearing their creaks in the wind. My heart aches whenever I see the aftermath of a storm such as Ohio had in the fall - and all the beautiful, majestic trees that are destroyed. I think trees are the main reason I like Autumn so much. Trees and sweaters. And cuddling. :)
However, this week, I had an experience with a tree indirectly that has tainted my love a bit. I walked outside to go to church Sunday morning and my WHITE van was covered in the most vile bird poop I have ever seen. Ever. In my 37 years. It was brown and chunky. It looked more like puke than poop. And we are not talking one, two or even 10 spots. These were rock and roll birds who had a drunken party all night long with every bird friend they knew and destroyed my car like a band would destroy a hotel room. I'm not even exaggerating a bit here.
Normally I am not a very vain person when it comes to my vehicles. Cars get dirty. I don't really care. They are simply a means to get me from point A to point B. But I was EMBARRASSED to drive this car to church. I did, but I wore my sunglasses and parked in the farthest spot in the lot. My cousins Tom and Melissa had a great laugh when they saw it.
All because I parked underneath a tree. A lovely tree that I told my mom and dad they should NOT, under any circumstances save disease, cut down in their front yard. Now, my loyalties are in question as I park across the street. By a pole. A branch-less, lifeless utility pole that looks like every other utility pole on my street. But at least I have a cleaner car.
A plethora of snow days
I have had more "snow days" this year alone in Ohio than I had the entire 13 years I lived in MN. And haven't had to shovel YET. It's the best of both worlds!!! :)
(sorry MN friends)
One drawback to OHIO - freezing rain. That stuff just sucks.
(sorry MN friends)
One drawback to OHIO - freezing rain. That stuff just sucks.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Noah's favorite Bible story...
I asked the kids what their favorite character or story in the Bible was the other night. Noah piped right up with....
David and the Lion's King.
They must be reading a different Bible behind my back!!! :)
David and the Lion's King.
They must be reading a different Bible behind my back!!! :)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
PS - last night's band
What fun! It wasn't quite the 80's cover I was expecting - it was more rock... Journey, Great White, Rush (and believe it or not, they were quite good on Tom Sawyer), Bon Jovi - I felt like I was back in high school at a dance! :) And they really were a good local garage band.
One thing I really enjoyed was the crowd. There was a group of mentally disabled adults there, and their aides, who were thoroughly enjoying the dance floor. What fun to see the absolute love of life itself and the complete enjoyment of abandonment to the music in dance. And the aides with them were not just standing on the sidelines, but right out there dancing with all their might along side of them. It was sweet and fun.
I am enjoying discovering new activities. I will definately add the local music scene to my list - I think next, I'll seek out some indy groups to see.
One thing I really enjoyed was the crowd. There was a group of mentally disabled adults there, and their aides, who were thoroughly enjoying the dance floor. What fun to see the absolute love of life itself and the complete enjoyment of abandonment to the music in dance. And the aides with them were not just standing on the sidelines, but right out there dancing with all their might along side of them. It was sweet and fun.
I am enjoying discovering new activities. I will definately add the local music scene to my list - I think next, I'll seek out some indy groups to see.
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