Some parting thoughts on Christmas

Today I received this e-mail message from the director of TEACH, the home school accreditation association I was with in MN. Mr. Newhouse is a very wise man who is passionate about the Gospel of Christ. I could not pass up the opportunity to share his words (I especially love the quote by Oswald Chambers, author of "My Utmost for His Highest"):

Caesar Augustus was the grandson of Julius Caesar.Julius Caesar was very
popular and the Roman people loved and obeyed him. After he was killed, (on the
ides of March) the Roman empire was thrown into chaos. Anarchy threatened it’s
very existence. When Octavius (another name for Caesar Augustus) came into
power, he was incapable of uniting the empire. Factions refused to acknowledge
that he was the rightful Caesar. The only way to restore order and peace in the
empire was for Caesar Augustus to require all Roman citizens to acknowledge that
he was God in the flesh. This gave him authority to rule the empire and tell
people what to do. If he was merely a human, they would see him as an equal.)
Now that he was considered God, he was above people and they had to obey his
rule or suffer the consequences.

It worked! It brought about peace on earth. It worked so well that he decided
to export the concept throughout the land. Caesar Augustus then coined the term
“gospel” (or good news) and used it to describe this new world order – he was
finally bringing peace to the earth.This was the environment Jesus was born
into. The world’s counterfeit came just before the real God in the flesh was
born, bringing the true Gospel to the people.

Every day we make the decision which road we will follow – the true Gospel or
the world’s gospel. Will we obtain real peace in our souls, or the false peace
of ignoring conflicts in our soul and ignoring conflicts with others?

Oswald Chambers said, “The hindrance in our spiritual lives is that we will
not be continuously converted. There are wedges of obstinacy where our pride
sits on the throne of God and says – I won’t. We deify independence and
willfulness and call them by the wrong name. What God looks on as obstinate
weakness, we call strength. There are whole tracts in our lives which have not
yet been brought into subjection, and it can only be done by this continuous
surrender and conversion... Our natural life must not rule, God must rule in
us.

BTW- Pontius Pilot was married to the granddaughter of Caesar Augustus.

Lori here again - I love that phrasing by Mr. Chambers - "continuously converted". I remember growing up and hearing people testify that they were "saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Spirit"...as if it were a one time thing. My life experience has taught me that I WAS saved, I AM (being) saved, and I WILL BE saved. Same for sanctification. Oh, how I wish that were a one time clean-up job and I were set for life. Unfortunately, like a pig, I often seem drawn time and time again to the mud and need a good washing over and over again. And as for the Holy Spirit...well, if I do not refill my cup daily with the water I need, it doesn't matter how much water I drank yesterday...I will still become dehydrated. So the life of a believer is continuous battle between the flesh and the spirit. A continuous conversion, a continuous sanctification, a continuous crucifixion of self. Even Biology reflects this, for a cell does not reach a point of equilibrium and stays there, there is constant diffusion and osmosis going on along with a myriad of other processes to keep that homeostasis - to stabilize the internal environment. Just when you reach it here, it changes over there. And so it goes with our souls - back and forth like a pendulum. Between natural and supernatural...but as OC said, our natural lives must not rule. I've seen my natural life. It can be bitter, vindictive. It can be mean spirited and unforgiving. It can be hateful, merciless, deceptive and manipulative.

Thanks be to God for His everlasting love. His love is strong. He never lets go of us, but He will not force a surrender...that must be our own free will. And, oh, the glorious creations we can be if we allow His rule in and through us!

I am also thankful that I belong to a God who is willing to let me fight with Him. I have strong feelings and words out with Him from time to time and today was a day. I cannot describe to you the feeling of security that comes from knowing that the God of the Universe who spoke everything into existence and to whom I hold an awesome reverence for is also close enough and friend enough to allow my rants and occasional accusations...and I have no fear of Him. He is Emmanuel - God WITH me. He is judge yet pardoner. King yet friend. Sovereign ruler yet daddy. It's because of that relationship that I always come back to the place where Job says "I have spoken where I do not understand...I will repent..." and I know He understands my anger and frustration.

Something to make you go hmmmm...

My eldest shared with me that their dad prayed with them at night while he had them on this trip.

So he is praying to a God that 1)he openly declared war against, 2) that he still openly lives in arrogant rebellion against, 3) he declares he no longer wants to follow because His standards are too restrictive, and 4) whose followers he mocks and declares himself better than.

(insert head scratch and utterly confused look here) I thought I could at least learn to respect his decision to not ride the fence - to choose a side and go all the way. Guess I can't even do that. I just don't get it. And now I have a 6 year old asking questions I have no possible idea of how to answer. "mommy, if daddy is a christian now, why won't he come back home?" "why is daddy still not being your friend if he prays to Jesus?" Great questions, Ethan. Great questions. I'm sorry I don't have the answers. At least not in a way you can understand at 6. Best I know to say is "just because someone prays doesn't mean they are a Christian - even if they pray to Jesus." How can I help him understand that being a Christian is about a relationship with Emmanuel - not simply saying you believe and praying or going to church ever so often. It may be a free gift, but it costs you everything to keep and pursue. If someone claimed to be my friend, only came to see me when they needed something or only talked at me to relieve their guilt, or only invoked my name when it suited their purposes, then they are NOT my friend. MOST people who declare themselves Christian are not truly - the Bible even says that. Ah...back to that gray of humanity in a black and white truth. Kids understand black and white. They are black and white. I think that is why Jesus says unless we become as little children, we cannot truly inheirit the kingdom. Our lives, perceptions, and judgements are gray, but not God's.

Christ was also very clear on his expectations regarding human relationships. "if you come to offer sacrifice (or prayer) to me and remember someone has something against you....GO MAKE THAT RIGHT FIRST, THEN come to me". Meaning He is less inclined to allow us to use him as a "do over". As an excuse to just forget the past and the wrong we've done and start the game from scratch. We are expected to fix our mess as best we can. I've even heard of pastors counseling criminals to turn themselves in after a repentant experience because they need to take responsibility and pay the part of the debt they can.

So I'm not sure what he thinks he's accomplishing but it sure adds problems to my role as spiritual leader to my boys. It is unbiblical and contrary to our doctrine. Dear Lord, please help me to know how to do this! And prepare their hearts and minds to understand...one day. Jehovah, impart to them wisdom beyond their years. And to me.

Annual FHS Holiday reunion

Back row (l to r) Jen and Jenny
Front row (l to r) Robin, Maryanne, Steve, Eric, myself, Heather, Mark

Not pictured: various wives, husbands, significant others and Lori (Pfeffer), Heather's sister who came along behind us all, but is still a part of the "family".

For those of you who could not be there take comfort in this: you were talked about. And we laughed. A lot. ;) No, seriously...we missed you all!

What an amazing group of people. Even after 20 years (for me and Mare) we still have a special bond and this get together is becoming one I look forward to with great anticipation.

I went back on the FHS website today and re-read some of the posts and private e-mails sent to me when word of my impending divorce hit the site. The outpouring of love and support I received from people who had not seen me in YEARS was amazing. It reminded me of WHY these folks are my friends. And why high school was so great. It was because of all of them. So to my drama/Choralier friends from FHS: you all are the best. I am better for knowing you. Thank you all. I love you dearly.

A special thanks to Heather and her wonderfully supportive and patient husband Fred for hosting again this year.

Christmas with the Southard Clan

Grandma Bertha, the matriarch. She's so tiny and cute! You just want to dunk her in your coffee! :)



































There is something unexplainably warm and comforting about a Christmas tree that has ornaments on it that you remember from when you were a child. New ones have been added, of course, but Aunt Linda has kept many of Melissa and Angie's ornaments from our childhood...and I enjoy it probably as much as they do.




The traditional Birthday cake for Jesus...and the fingers that cannot resist the candy letters...













The candy-eating culprits. They had it stripped faster than a school of piranahs could strip a cow. At least, from what I've heard...not that I've ever witnessed a cow consumed by a school of piranahs or anything, but, oh, nevermind...

Don't know why, but we didn't pose for any group photos. I have about 15 pics of me and everyone seperately - "club" style - but my mug does NOT need to be on here that many times! :) You can catch them on Facebook if you are so inclined...

More Thanksgiving in Gatlinburg

In front of the infamous "green screen" at Dixie Stampede.














There was a whole "slew" of us...it was a fun evening. We met my brother and his family including his in laws on top of my family and in laws. We filled the hallway...Philip is bringing up the rear in this photo














Noah discovered a built-in slide at the cabin and showed his big brother.











The boys went off on an exploring adventure around the cabin.

I

We discovered WHY Noah was taking sooooo long on the potty... he was giving his own little concert in there, using the plunger as a mic. There are somethings that moms just don't want to know...

My beloved mountains

Because it was so far away and the lighting was dim, none of our pics or videos of Ethan chasing chickens, or Brandon and I racing wooden horses really came out well. This is as close as we got...and even then Ethan stays behind the boy in the red shirt. This is just after they won and recieved their medals.

Vocal update

I get my second stroboscopy in a little over a week. They are thinking it's a cyst on my chords. If that is the case, it will require surgical removal...but after that is done and a week or so of complete vocal rest, they say I should be better than ever. I will most likely need to continue with some therapy to stay in "prevention mode" if I continue teaching and singing, but I'm glad to hear it isn't any permanent, un-fixable damage. Please pray that if it does require surgery, that all will go smoothly and that I will heal completely. I want to sing again. It's precious and frustrating to hear my sons pray for mommies voice...so she can sing pretty like she used to.

"Pre-Christmas" celebrations

The Saturday before Christmas is spent with the Halcomb side of the family. Of course, Noah relishes in the fact that all the bigger girls love to mother him...He's like a living doll for them. Here he's playing sleigh ride with Desi and Brianna.

Grandpa is always a ham. He'd asked for new overalls. When he opened them, he promptly put them on overtop of his other jeans and wore them around. Didn't even bother to remove the tags. Here he poses in his "Minnie Pearl" overalls.

Ethan and Noah getting ready to open presents

Ethan made a pinata at school. He and Noah had fun breaking it open. Not sure what it has to do with Christmas, but he wanted to preserve the memory!

They are looking more and more like boys...kids. No longer my "babies".

Here they are getting ready to leave for SC with their dad.

Here is a picture of them in SC with their new jammies, hats, and Cars houseshoes from Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk.

Philip (Rob's little brother) put more pics on his Facebook page. I have to say, when I saw Rob this time I was shocked. His life is taking a toll on him - he looks old, tired, forced. Same in the photos. It breaks my heart, but also confirms and reinforces the truth of Scripture.

Really bad You Tube entries...

Here are some video "bursts" from the Christmas programs. I was fighting with my video camera, so I had to use my digital camera...due to space limitations, they are mostly quick and dirty...but Grandparents will love them. They love anything grand child related, right? :)

Most are really quick as it's difficult being one person and switching back and forth between technology...

Ethan is next to the girl on the end with red shirt.

Ethan is middle row, left side, right next to teacher.

And now for my first trick...

...juggling 3 Christmas dinners and 5 Christmas programs in 10 days....

Here are some highlights. Not necessarily in the correct order. First, we have Noah's preschool program.

Noah was the only boy man enough to wear the entire angel costume. And he sang louder than all the other angels. Course, I also think he was the cutest.

Next, Ethan's school program. They sang about 5 different songs and did movements. He started to get upset when he dropped his instrument during one song, but, like a true thespian, never let the audience know. I didn't notice until he told me. Course, I was arguing with the picture and the video camera, both who didn't want to work for me that night....grrrr....

Here we are at one of the dinners.

Noah found a cubby to climb in.
Not really sure what Ethan is doing...I think he got hot running around and playing and is trying to cool off at the fan. You will have to ask him...I just thought it was funny. PLUS it will be great blackmail when he get's older.

Lastly (in this montage) - Christmas at our church. This is Ethan and Noah with their cousins Elizabeth and Abby - Tom and Melissa's girls.

I have some video footage of the programs Ethan and Noah were in. I'll post them shortly, but really only grandmas and grandpas will probably be interested... :)

Thanksgiving '08

One of the biggest blessings about moving back to Ohio is reconnecting with my family. Know what? I got a great family. Oh, we have our quirks, but who else can say they grew up so close to such extended family. I mean, I not only had my grandparents around all the time, I had cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends that might as well have been family. And we are all friends. Even when there is tension...we are friends. And it's wonderful...


I remember many times riding on Poppies back as " Ol' Tob"...my "horsey". And Grannie always had cookies and chocolate milk for me - and was either cooking or quilting. I'm glad to be celebrating another Thanksgiving with them.


Grandma Bertha has amazed me. She, too, always had something delicious to eat and all of us kids loved spending the night in the feather beds upstairs. We'd play 'apartments' - converting the bedrooms upstairs to our own little homes. We'd also roller skate or ride our bikes around the basement - it was always that clean and uncluttered. I am so proud of the way she has not only survived, but even flourished after the death of my grandpa. I know she misses him, but she didn't let that make her stop living. She has inspired me.

After dinner with the family in Ohio, we took off to meet the Funderburk's in Gatlinburg again. This time we were joined by my mom and dad, and by Uncle Philip...The boys were so excited!

We found out that my Brother, Sister-in-law, and their kids were in Gatlinburg the same weekend with the Powell's (my Sister-in-law's parents). So we all met up for an evening together at the Dixie Stampede. It was great fun. Ethan got to participate in the chicken chase and Brandon and I were chosen to race the stick horses. Yep. Our showchoir training came through - we were in step together. And we won. Thank you, Chris Beiser!!!! :)

Here is Ethan with cousin's Lexi and Desi. Lexi and Ethan are peas in a pod. Desi is the perfect little mother to Noah...he loves her doting on him!

It wouldn't be right not to get a few candids. This is my boys just chillin' and watching TV. They can't do it without some sort of "flourish"...(can't imagine where they get that from...)

It just feels right to be home again. I miss my friends and my church in MN, but I don't miss the situation, the winter weather, the loneliness... THIS is sooooo much better for me and for my boys.

Another Noah-ism

Didn't anticipate this one...

I've tried to avoid the whole "Santa" thing with Christmas. Not his existence, mind you... but the whole idea of lying to my children about a magical man who distributes gifts and his being the center of Christmas. I've really tried (albeit rather unsuccessfully so far) to instruct my children in the real meaning of the holiday and the faith focus it should have, as well as the "better to give" mentality and the importance of gratitude. So, from the start, I have told them the story of St. Nicholas and how adults dress up like him every year to pay tribute to his life, which was a tribute to Christ. Both of my boys know that mommy is "Santa" and why.

Tonight, however, the restaurant we ate in had a Santa and was letting the kids get pictures with him. For the first time ever, both of my boys were interested in getting their photo with the dude in the red fuzzy suit (probably because we were eating with some Santa believing cousins). Afterwards, Noah told me that I was NOT the real Santa. I was fake...because I didn't have a beard and I didn't have hair on my belly (I think he was referring to the suit... of course, I'm very glad to have a belly free of hair).

Not sure what the moral here is. All I know is I'm one of the few parents I know who chose to not fill their kids heads with this lie, yet here I am accused of lying because the evidence is clear...there sits a fat man with a white beard and a "hairy" suit...and he is DEFINITELY not me. :)

Yep...didn't see that one coming.

How I am like The Clash

Apparently, we both 'Rock the Casbah".

While driving Noah to preschool last week, I hear a very contemplative voice say "mommy? You wemember dat day you got dat spwinter owt of my foot?" "Yes, Noah. Is your foot all better?" "Yeah. You wock, mommy. You wock the casbah."

I'll take that.

I fall in love almost daily.... :)

Tis the season

For busy-ness. Boy do I have a lot of work to do catching up and uploading my photos. I forgot just how busy this season can be when you are with extended family. It was busy before when it was just us and our church and friends, but now.... I have 4 nieces and a nephew who go to different schools, different churches...all in some sort of program (sometimes two or three) and you want to go to as many as you can and support the kids. This year we've already had 8! I'll get that up before the end of the month.

I am very encouraged. I have been on the upswing of late and have been hesitant to say much because my emotions are so much of a roller coaster. Up a few weeks, back down again. But this time has been longer and feels different somehow. I mentioned recently - he and his choices, life, existence has become insignificant to me. I don't find myself missing him, thinking about him, looking in the past, or even questioning why. I feel a sense of relief at that baggage finally being gone from my life, instead of longing and wishing for the distant past before the baggage. At knowing I don't have to always be holding him up emotionally, picking up his slack financially, fixing his messes, and waiting for the word that once again he has hurt me, betrayed me, let me down. And I've come to really realize and believe something...if I thought what I had with Rob was so wonderful WITH all that mess, then how spectacular will it be when I find someone who isn't emotionally crippled...someone who is capable of healthy intimacy? I thought I had honesty. How much better will REAL honesty be. I thought I had passion. How much better will REAL passion be? I'm kind of excited, to be honest. Now that I've experienced the fake of the last few years, I'll be able to recognize the real thing better.

So this "upswing" feels different. I think it's going to stick around. I'm feeling like "Lori" again...only better.

I suppose all of us have some rain to endure in this life in order for us to understand the grace and mercy of God. For some, it is suffering. We must experience loss, trial, tribulation...otherwise we may never understand His love and provision for us. For others, it is a pit. They have to explore the depths of depravity to understand God's love. If I have to be in one camp or the other, I'm glad it's the former one. Suffering, while painful, does not leave a path of devastation and destruction behind it like depravity does. Suffering scars, but not nearly as deeply as the self inflicted wounds of depravity. Suffering is usually personal. Depravity hurts many. Bridges destroyed or roads closed due to suffering can be rebuilt or reopened easier than those destroyed or closed due to depravity...because of the depth and breadth of the pain inflicted. I am realizing that, while I have lost much over the past 1.5 years, it is a lot less than he lost. And I believe my losses will be restored to a better state. His cannot be recovered.

Peace. Peace that passes all understanding. Unfathomable peace...is washing over me. Finally.

Jesus, I love you more than I can ever say.

December Astronomy

Don't know a lot, but always been facinated with astronomy...

The last couple of days have shown 2 very bright, clear, beautiful planets alongside the moon. It's been spectacular. What research I've done seems to conclude Mars and Saturn.

So very cool - at the top of my bucket list? A chance to go into space - to see the Earth from that vantage point.

And a date with Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, or George Clooney... ;)

Progress!

So, in my last blog I spoke of changes I've felt lead to engage in and was making excuses not to. I'm pleased to report progress - though small, it's still the correct direction and I can tell a difference.

While my prayer life has grown more frequent, fervent and ( I belive) more "correct" in the past year (as CS Lewis said about prayer: "I don't pray to change my circumstance...I pray to change me.") my reading of the Word has been lax. I've begun a ritual of carving out just 15 minutes each day - mainly in the mornings before I get ready, to read either the Bible or a book from a respected author on Christian living (I have several started). Here are some of the titles I'm currently muddling through:
Don't Waste Your Sorrows by paul Billheimer
The Freedom of Forgiveness by David Augsburger
Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb
And waiting in the wings:
Pivotal Praying by John Hull and Tim Elmore
How to Read the Bible for All It's Worth by Gordon Fee and Douglas Stuart

I've noticed a marked improvement in my attitude and outlook with just this simple, small change.

I've also purposed to exercize a little each day. Even if it's only for 15 minutes to do the basics - sit ups, push ups, leg lifts, etc. I'm encouraged by the noticable difference in my strength and stamina in these areas even after just a couple of weeks. I will continue to add to the regimen and hopefully find a way to carve out at least 20-30 minutes of aerobic exercize as well...if not daily, at least 3-4 times per week.

The last couple of days, as I've prayed for the Lord to work true forgiveness in my heart (because I surely cannot forgive Rob in my own strength), I have felt some sort of release. These last 2 days are the first days that I've thought "I really don't care"...not in a giving up sense or a mean sense. I've just realized I'm actually getting to where I really, honestly do not care one iota about what he is doing...it is a non-factor in my life and in the lives of my kids. He is not a part of this...and all my family and friend connections are still intact so, really, what did I loose? Nothing but dreams and perceptions. And since they were based on deception, then they really aren't lost, either...just delayed until God shows me how they will now be fulfilled in a different and unexpected way.

Baby steps. As long as they are forward. God is so very faithful.
More later!