For busy-ness. Boy do I have a lot of work to do catching up and uploading my photos. I forgot just how busy this season can be when you are with extended family. It was busy before when it was just us and our church and friends, but now.... I have 4 nieces and a nephew who go to different schools, different churches...all in some sort of program (sometimes two or three) and you want to go to as many as you can and support the kids. This year we've already had 8! I'll get that up before the end of the month.
I am very encouraged. I have been on the upswing of late and have been hesitant to say much because my emotions are so much of a roller coaster. Up a few weeks, back down again. But this time has been longer and feels different somehow. I mentioned recently - he and his choices, life, existence has become insignificant to me. I don't find myself missing him, thinking about him, looking in the past, or even questioning why. I feel a sense of relief at that baggage finally being gone from my life, instead of longing and wishing for the distant past before the baggage. At knowing I don't have to always be holding him up emotionally, picking up his slack financially, fixing his messes, and waiting for the word that once again he has hurt me, betrayed me, let me down. And I've come to really realize and believe something...if I thought what I had with Rob was so wonderful WITH all that mess, then how spectacular will it be when I find someone who isn't emotionally crippled...someone who is capable of healthy intimacy? I thought I had honesty. How much better will REAL honesty be. I thought I had passion. How much better will REAL passion be? I'm kind of excited, to be honest. Now that I've experienced the fake of the last few years, I'll be able to recognize the real thing better.
So this "upswing" feels different. I think it's going to stick around. I'm feeling like "Lori" again...only better.
I suppose all of us have some rain to endure in this life in order for us to understand the grace and mercy of God. For some, it is suffering. We must experience loss, trial, tribulation...otherwise we may never understand His love and provision for us. For others, it is a pit. They have to explore the depths of depravity to understand God's love. If I have to be in one camp or the other, I'm glad it's the former one. Suffering, while painful, does not leave a path of devastation and destruction behind it like depravity does. Suffering scars, but not nearly as deeply as the self inflicted wounds of depravity. Suffering is usually personal. Depravity hurts many. Bridges destroyed or roads closed due to suffering can be rebuilt or reopened easier than those destroyed or closed due to depravity...because of the depth and breadth of the pain inflicted. I am realizing that, while I have lost much over the past 1.5 years, it is a lot less than he lost. And I believe my losses will be restored to a better state. His cannot be recovered.
Peace. Peace that passes all understanding. Unfathomable peace...is washing over me. Finally.
Jesus, I love you more than I can ever say.
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