Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Saved from what?
Here is a question that has been bouncing around in my head...If I am "saved" what exactly is it I am saved from? What am I saved to? It has to be more than mere fire insurance...
I think on many levels, my walk with Jesus has been pretend. He is bidding me come to a deeper place and to be honest, I'm a little scared to go there. It was comfortable where I was. Deeper places require more from me. But do I REALLY know Him? Is He really mine?
What exactly did I need to be saved from? If I'm honest - I have to admit a bit of self righteousness here. Of course, I know I am not perfect, but I honestly don't think I've grasped just how dark and sinful my heart is - apart from Christ. After all, I've lead a pretty "good" and "nice" life. Sheltered and naive, some may say. Guess what...I'm seeing it now. It's not pretty. I see it in Rob - how a man who was so wonderful can change so quickly and so completely. I see it in myself - how I respond to Rob. The dark thoughts and imaginations that take hold when no one else is around. The realization that too much of my self worth was wrapped up in Rob and not in Christ. The horrible realization that perhaps the reason I'm having such difficulty accepting this is because I set Rob up as an idol in my life - I gave him a more important place than Jesus. And God is Jehovah Quanna - jealous.
I am starting to see that I needed to be saved from....myself. From what I will inevitably become if Christ is out of the picture. If I no longer allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart. And after seeing Rob's state - I do NOT want to go there. It's ugly, selfish, hurtful. It's treacherous and traitorous. It's merciless. It's destructive. I've seen those shadows in me of late. I pray for a more open-eyed view and understanding of that. I want a godly sorrow regarding the state of my heart and mind. Not condemnation - but conviction. Deep and penetrating conviction. No scales, no blinders. I want to come to a place where I am willing to expose my chest to His bullet and say "execute that sin" - whatever it takes.
Now what am I saved to? "Christ in me...the hope of glory". I need to understand that more. Because there are days that I think "if this is all there is, what is the point?"
I think I will read Acts again. The early church really had something that we lack - at least I lack. I want to want it. I'm weary of comfortable Chrisitanity - if that's all there is, why not just go Rob's direction and "enjoy" life - feel the "freedom of pleasure" - even if it is for only a season. There has to be more. I want the "pleasure of freedom" - freedom from anything that wants to rule over me and master me. Freedom from sin. Freedom from fear. Freedom to trust and believe.
I want it, I want it, I want it! Now to pursue...
I think on many levels, my walk with Jesus has been pretend. He is bidding me come to a deeper place and to be honest, I'm a little scared to go there. It was comfortable where I was. Deeper places require more from me. But do I REALLY know Him? Is He really mine?
What exactly did I need to be saved from? If I'm honest - I have to admit a bit of self righteousness here. Of course, I know I am not perfect, but I honestly don't think I've grasped just how dark and sinful my heart is - apart from Christ. After all, I've lead a pretty "good" and "nice" life. Sheltered and naive, some may say. Guess what...I'm seeing it now. It's not pretty. I see it in Rob - how a man who was so wonderful can change so quickly and so completely. I see it in myself - how I respond to Rob. The dark thoughts and imaginations that take hold when no one else is around. The realization that too much of my self worth was wrapped up in Rob and not in Christ. The horrible realization that perhaps the reason I'm having such difficulty accepting this is because I set Rob up as an idol in my life - I gave him a more important place than Jesus. And God is Jehovah Quanna - jealous.
I am starting to see that I needed to be saved from....myself. From what I will inevitably become if Christ is out of the picture. If I no longer allow the Holy Spirit to work in my heart. And after seeing Rob's state - I do NOT want to go there. It's ugly, selfish, hurtful. It's treacherous and traitorous. It's merciless. It's destructive. I've seen those shadows in me of late. I pray for a more open-eyed view and understanding of that. I want a godly sorrow regarding the state of my heart and mind. Not condemnation - but conviction. Deep and penetrating conviction. No scales, no blinders. I want to come to a place where I am willing to expose my chest to His bullet and say "execute that sin" - whatever it takes.
Now what am I saved to? "Christ in me...the hope of glory". I need to understand that more. Because there are days that I think "if this is all there is, what is the point?"
I think I will read Acts again. The early church really had something that we lack - at least I lack. I want to want it. I'm weary of comfortable Chrisitanity - if that's all there is, why not just go Rob's direction and "enjoy" life - feel the "freedom of pleasure" - even if it is for only a season. There has to be more. I want the "pleasure of freedom" - freedom from anything that wants to rule over me and master me. Freedom from sin. Freedom from fear. Freedom to trust and believe.
I want it, I want it, I want it! Now to pursue...
Monday, August 6, 2007
Black and White vs. Gray
One lie that keeps surfacing in this ordeal is the idea of life often being "gray" where us Christians view it black and white. That one has really bothered me - but I could not put my finger on why. It seems a logical argument in some instances... such as is a lie really bad if you known the truth will hurt someone deeply?
Remember what I said about a small nugget of truth (it is wrong to hurt people) is wrapped in layers of lies (so therefore it is OK to break the law if it will save someone from being hurt)? The Spirit of Antichrist...is gray. Gray is what you get when you try to wrap white (truth) up in black (lies). But notice - gray is much closer to black than it is to white. White is pure and spotless...blemish-free. Any color added - no matter how little, and it is no longer true white.
Gray is what happened in Eden. God told Adam and Eve - "here is ONE tree, out of the entire garden, that you are NEVER to touch, let alone eat of. If you do you will die." Not "if you do you will get sick" or "if you do you MIGHT die". Black and white. Along comes the Serpent "God didn't really mean that...you won't die. That's hogwash. Why, God loves you - he would never punish you for partaking just a little taste. I'm sure he will forgive you and move on. Besides - if he really loved you, why would he withhold something so delicious, tempting and tantalizing from you? Maybe he just doesn't want to share. Maybe you would be doing GOD a favor by showing him His weakness and His selfishness. Maybe He's just afraid you will be like him - His equal. And if He has that much trouble with sharing power, then you will actually be helping Him out by eating...just a little bite. He'll learn something from all of this and so will you - then your relationship can be even better than before. C'mon - what can it hurt? No one will know. It's a secret." Notice the little nuggets of 'white'? Add the lies and what do you get? - GRAY.
Unfortunately, the consequences of "gray thinking" are never gray. Nor are they white. They are only black. Not fair, but that's sin. Adam and Eve believed the gray, chose the black and look where it has gotten us all.
I don't care if it does label me a fanatic or narrow minded. The stakes are too high. I want no allowance for compromise in my life. No gray.
I must point out the hope and grace, though...because that is the message of Christ. His blood can wash out the gray - returning the color to an amazing shade of white like never before. A white even more pure and spotless than it was originally. A blinding white. But only He can do it. I pray that we all will apply His blood to our "gray matter". (now THAT will preach...do I hear an AMEN?!) :)
Remember what I said about a small nugget of truth (it is wrong to hurt people) is wrapped in layers of lies (so therefore it is OK to break the law if it will save someone from being hurt)? The Spirit of Antichrist...is gray. Gray is what you get when you try to wrap white (truth) up in black (lies). But notice - gray is much closer to black than it is to white. White is pure and spotless...blemish-free. Any color added - no matter how little, and it is no longer true white.
Gray is what happened in Eden. God told Adam and Eve - "here is ONE tree, out of the entire garden, that you are NEVER to touch, let alone eat of. If you do you will die." Not "if you do you will get sick" or "if you do you MIGHT die". Black and white. Along comes the Serpent "God didn't really mean that...you won't die. That's hogwash. Why, God loves you - he would never punish you for partaking just a little taste. I'm sure he will forgive you and move on. Besides - if he really loved you, why would he withhold something so delicious, tempting and tantalizing from you? Maybe he just doesn't want to share. Maybe you would be doing GOD a favor by showing him His weakness and His selfishness. Maybe He's just afraid you will be like him - His equal. And if He has that much trouble with sharing power, then you will actually be helping Him out by eating...just a little bite. He'll learn something from all of this and so will you - then your relationship can be even better than before. C'mon - what can it hurt? No one will know. It's a secret." Notice the little nuggets of 'white'? Add the lies and what do you get? - GRAY.
Unfortunately, the consequences of "gray thinking" are never gray. Nor are they white. They are only black. Not fair, but that's sin. Adam and Eve believed the gray, chose the black and look where it has gotten us all.
I don't care if it does label me a fanatic or narrow minded. The stakes are too high. I want no allowance for compromise in my life. No gray.
I must point out the hope and grace, though...because that is the message of Christ. His blood can wash out the gray - returning the color to an amazing shade of white like never before. A white even more pure and spotless than it was originally. A blinding white. But only He can do it. I pray that we all will apply His blood to our "gray matter". (now THAT will preach...do I hear an AMEN?!) :)
The tactics of the enemy
I am gaining a deep understanding of what Christ must have gone through in the wilderness...as the enemy was using the holy Word of God to try to deceive and tempt him. So much in the past 2 months has been confusing as the enemy very subtly uses tiny nuggets of truth wrapped in several layers of lies to keep me reeling. What has it shown me? I don't know the Word of God nearly as much as I should.
I'm reminded of when my mom was a teller at a bank. I remember her telling me about their training to spot counterfeit bills. Surprisingly, there wasn't hours and hours of training - because there were so many variations of counterfeits, it would be impossible to learn them all. Instead, the bank focused on making sure the tellers knew what the TRUE bills looked like, felt like, smelled like...once you have the true bill burned in your mind, the counterfeits are easy to spot.
What an object lesson. You know what the best thing about learning where you are weak is? The new opportunity to fix it and the possibilities that lie in store from this moment forward.
Grace upon grace, mercy upon mercy - and none of it deserved by me. I am in awe and humbled - "when I think of the heavens and Your workmanship, what is man (Lori) that you should be mindful of him (her)?" The King of Glory knows my weaknesses, shortcomings, faults, mistakes, and the darkness of my heart....AND HE LOVES ME IN SPITE OF IT ALL. And died to pay for it all even while I continued to betray Him and refuse his love. And even as I still betray him and disappoint him and bring him shame from time to time.
I pray for a godly sorrow towards my sin - one that isn't just sorry for bad things I've done, or evil I've entertained in my thoughts, but one that brings about a REAL and DEEP understanding of my sinfulness in light of His holiness. Godly sorrow brings about TRUE repentance. And in true repentance, there is no room for self righteousness or entitlement or pride. Only an understanding that it is a miracle that any of us are saved - and no sin is too dark what cannot be cleansed by His blood and His love.
There is a precious sister in the Lord at my church who has a beautiful ministry of intercession. God gifts her with visions and word pictures that she shares with me as she lifts me and my family in prayer. As I mentioned I've been so confused by the seemingly duality of instruction in the Word regarding my suggestion. The battle to "figure out what to do" is mostly of my own making as I am a "fixer". Sunday she shared with me that as she was praying, God brought a scene from the movie "Return of the King" to her mind. It is the one where the small, seemingly defeated army lead by Aragorn was standing before the vast, snarling army of orcs and uruk hai under Sauron's command. Thinking Frodo was dead and the ring was back in the hands of the enemy, they bravely charge forward to their deaths. Then Psalms 23 popped in her head "thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies..." and she envisioned a beautiful banquet table with fine linens, china, silver and gold, and the richest of foods spread out with Christ sitting at one end and one other chair - just for me - at the other. Surrounding this table was the snarling, drooling, cursing enemy. And you know what? Even though they outnumbered me and surrounded me on every side, all they could do is stand there and watch and drool, and snarl - they could not touch me because I was with the King.
I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I describe that to you - and I am overwhelmed by the love of Christ. I am realizing that I don't have to understand any of this - I only have to trust that the same One who would prepare such a beautiful feast just for He and I to share, the same one that can keep the snarling orcs at bay, is the One who will bring me through this and the One who will be glorified in and through me, if only I will sit at the table and just BE with Him. I purpose to learn to just BE. To "be still and know that I AM GOD".
Ephesians 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
How many warriors have you seen that just stand? How crazy is it to sit down to a nice dinner in the middle of a battle field surrounded by things that want to utterly destroy and consume you? Notice it doesn't say 'when the day of evil comes - rush in and stop it." This is a hard lesson for us "do-ers" and "fixers" - but who better to fight my foes than He who can destroy them with just a word? Why should I waste energy slashing and stabbing all to no avail? - there are too many and they are too strong for me. But not for Him. His armor and protection is sure, His victory swift and complete. All I have to do is stand and just be. Trust him to do the rest.
God, may I find that place - under your wing of protection, at your feet like Mary, at your banquet table. Help me to allow you to be more than enough and say along with Job "though You slay me, yet will I trust You".
I'm reminded of when my mom was a teller at a bank. I remember her telling me about their training to spot counterfeit bills. Surprisingly, there wasn't hours and hours of training - because there were so many variations of counterfeits, it would be impossible to learn them all. Instead, the bank focused on making sure the tellers knew what the TRUE bills looked like, felt like, smelled like...once you have the true bill burned in your mind, the counterfeits are easy to spot.
What an object lesson. You know what the best thing about learning where you are weak is? The new opportunity to fix it and the possibilities that lie in store from this moment forward.
Grace upon grace, mercy upon mercy - and none of it deserved by me. I am in awe and humbled - "when I think of the heavens and Your workmanship, what is man (Lori) that you should be mindful of him (her)?" The King of Glory knows my weaknesses, shortcomings, faults, mistakes, and the darkness of my heart....AND HE LOVES ME IN SPITE OF IT ALL. And died to pay for it all even while I continued to betray Him and refuse his love. And even as I still betray him and disappoint him and bring him shame from time to time.
I pray for a godly sorrow towards my sin - one that isn't just sorry for bad things I've done, or evil I've entertained in my thoughts, but one that brings about a REAL and DEEP understanding of my sinfulness in light of His holiness. Godly sorrow brings about TRUE repentance. And in true repentance, there is no room for self righteousness or entitlement or pride. Only an understanding that it is a miracle that any of us are saved - and no sin is too dark what cannot be cleansed by His blood and His love.
There is a precious sister in the Lord at my church who has a beautiful ministry of intercession. God gifts her with visions and word pictures that she shares with me as she lifts me and my family in prayer. As I mentioned I've been so confused by the seemingly duality of instruction in the Word regarding my suggestion. The battle to "figure out what to do" is mostly of my own making as I am a "fixer". Sunday she shared with me that as she was praying, God brought a scene from the movie "Return of the King" to her mind. It is the one where the small, seemingly defeated army lead by Aragorn was standing before the vast, snarling army of orcs and uruk hai under Sauron's command. Thinking Frodo was dead and the ring was back in the hands of the enemy, they bravely charge forward to their deaths. Then Psalms 23 popped in her head "thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies..." and she envisioned a beautiful banquet table with fine linens, china, silver and gold, and the richest of foods spread out with Christ sitting at one end and one other chair - just for me - at the other. Surrounding this table was the snarling, drooling, cursing enemy. And you know what? Even though they outnumbered me and surrounded me on every side, all they could do is stand there and watch and drool, and snarl - they could not touch me because I was with the King.
I sit here with tears streaming down my face as I describe that to you - and I am overwhelmed by the love of Christ. I am realizing that I don't have to understand any of this - I only have to trust that the same One who would prepare such a beautiful feast just for He and I to share, the same one that can keep the snarling orcs at bay, is the One who will bring me through this and the One who will be glorified in and through me, if only I will sit at the table and just BE with Him. I purpose to learn to just BE. To "be still and know that I AM GOD".
Ephesians 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
How many warriors have you seen that just stand? How crazy is it to sit down to a nice dinner in the middle of a battle field surrounded by things that want to utterly destroy and consume you? Notice it doesn't say 'when the day of evil comes - rush in and stop it." This is a hard lesson for us "do-ers" and "fixers" - but who better to fight my foes than He who can destroy them with just a word? Why should I waste energy slashing and stabbing all to no avail? - there are too many and they are too strong for me. But not for Him. His armor and protection is sure, His victory swift and complete. All I have to do is stand and just be. Trust him to do the rest.
God, may I find that place - under your wing of protection, at your feet like Mary, at your banquet table. Help me to allow you to be more than enough and say along with Job "though You slay me, yet will I trust You".
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Bridge collapse
Wow. This certainly has been the summer for reminders of how much life can change in an instant, hasn't it? How many times have I driven over that bridge? While I wasn't anywhere near it, eyewitness accounts I've heard have described the eerie silence in an otherwise very bustling area - especially in light of the fact that it was in the middle of rush hour.
I don't want to diminish the loss of life that has occurred, but considering the time and location, it could have been much, much greater. That ,in itself, is a miracle.
The other miracle - God chose to spare Rob one more day. That is a common route he takes. Mercy upon mercy that is continuously rejected.
I don't want to diminish the loss of life that has occurred, but considering the time and location, it could have been much, much greater. That ,in itself, is a miracle.
The other miracle - God chose to spare Rob one more day. That is a common route he takes. Mercy upon mercy that is continuously rejected.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Anniversary
Today was my 17th anniversary. In just 2 more years, I would have been married longer than I was single - and I had no intentions of ever having it any other way.
Many lies tried to ensnare me today. But the Lord lead me to this passage to encourage me:
Prov. 31:10 "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 12She brings (her husband) good not harm all the days of her life. 25She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 29Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
My true husband and the lover of my soul has gently wrapped his arms around me and reminded me of my worth by speaking intimate words of love into my heart. A treasure is no less a treasure because a fool cannot recognize it as such. The problem lies with the fool - not the treasure. Today, I know my worth is far above rubies, that strength and dignity are my covering.
And what use does a ruby have for a fool?
Many lies tried to ensnare me today. But the Lord lead me to this passage to encourage me:
Prov. 31:10 "A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 12She brings (her husband) good not harm all the days of her life. 25She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 29Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."
My true husband and the lover of my soul has gently wrapped his arms around me and reminded me of my worth by speaking intimate words of love into my heart. A treasure is no less a treasure because a fool cannot recognize it as such. The problem lies with the fool - not the treasure. Today, I know my worth is far above rubies, that strength and dignity are my covering.
And what use does a ruby have for a fool?
Visit from Grandma and Grandpa
Rob's parents came for a visit and had a lot of fun with the boys. The boys got to see both sets of grandparents back to back - they've really been spoiled!
I think Noah has seen me "fix" Ethan's training wheels one too many times!
Noah loves the "let me kick my feet all over while you try to get the diaper on me" game.
Ethan and Noah will never pass up a chance to wrestle - especially if it involves tag-teaming.
The always inseperable Funderburk/Ostroot gang.
I think Noah has seen me "fix" Ethan's training wheels one too many times!
Noah loves the "let me kick my feet all over while you try to get the diaper on me" game.
Ethan and Noah will never pass up a chance to wrestle - especially if it involves tag-teaming.
The always inseperable Funderburk/Ostroot gang.Friday, July 27, 2007
Ohio Trip Pictures
As promised, here is a photo journal of our Ohio trip:
Ethan is as dramatic when it comes to horseshoes as he is throwing a baseball. Or is he executing some Tai Chi movement...the happy flamingo or something. Look at that form!
Noah enjoyed just running around the trees...
And trying to pump his own head up like uncle Brandon did that ball.
Here is a rare moment that I actually got all the cousins to stand still for about 30 seconds and smile - well, except for Noah. Still cute, though.
Ethan certainly has made up for his first few years of cautious exploration - now he tries just about anything and surprises me with his daring.
At our picnic, it began to sprinkle. The kids loved it and didn't mind getting a bit wet - until uncle Brandon walked out holding a paper plate on his head for an umbrella - that's all it took. Uncle Brandon is quite the trend-setter.
Noah sharing a tender moment with Aunt Carla and Uncle Brandon.
And here was the biggest surprise - Ethan actually wanted to try a 2 wheeler without training wheels - and a big one, too. At first he was just pushing it around with his feet, but soon Grandpa jumped right in and helped out. The road being a slight downward incline helped a bit, too. Never wrecked once! Now, since we've been home, he's chickened out a bit with his own bike - I'm not gonna push him. I think it helped having older cousins that could ride already spurring him on.
Ah, this was a gift just for mommy. The kids all come running over from a playground area exclaiming there is a snake. Now this has been claimed before - and it turned out to be a worm. So, at first, I wasn't too excited. Then they said "it's eating a frog" and I took off with my camera! Always the biologist...the frog was alive until the bitter end. So cool!
Ethan is as dramatic when it comes to horseshoes as he is throwing a baseball. Or is he executing some Tai Chi movement...the happy flamingo or something. Look at that form!
Noah enjoyed just running around the trees...
And trying to pump his own head up like uncle Brandon did that ball.
Here is a rare moment that I actually got all the cousins to stand still for about 30 seconds and smile - well, except for Noah. Still cute, though.
Ethan certainly has made up for his first few years of cautious exploration - now he tries just about anything and surprises me with his daring.
At our picnic, it began to sprinkle. The kids loved it and didn't mind getting a bit wet - until uncle Brandon walked out holding a paper plate on his head for an umbrella - that's all it took. Uncle Brandon is quite the trend-setter.
Noah sharing a tender moment with Aunt Carla and Uncle Brandon.
And here was the biggest surprise - Ethan actually wanted to try a 2 wheeler without training wheels - and a big one, too. At first he was just pushing it around with his feet, but soon Grandpa jumped right in and helped out. The road being a slight downward incline helped a bit, too. Never wrecked once! Now, since we've been home, he's chickened out a bit with his own bike - I'm not gonna push him. I think it helped having older cousins that could ride already spurring him on.
Ah, this was a gift just for mommy. The kids all come running over from a playground area exclaiming there is a snake. Now this has been claimed before - and it turned out to be a worm. So, at first, I wasn't too excited. Then they said "it's eating a frog" and I took off with my camera! Always the biologist...the frog was alive until the bitter end. So cool!Ethan enjoyed some much missed wrestle time with uncle Brandon. Uncle Brandon claimed to have not sweat so much in years...
I just had to get one good photo to document my weight loss so far - and my cute new flared jeans and fitted top. I haven't bought "real" clothes for myself in years. It was kind of fun! Total weight lost: 30 lbs since June 3rd. Plus the 230 lbs or so of lies that were gone rather instantly.
And here is the "new" Funderburk family - my two brave knights in shining armor. My heros.
Ethan and Noah with "mammaw and papaw"...
And with Granny and Poppie. Poppie gets a big kick out of my boys.
What memories came flooding back of being a kid and sitting in the porch swing with your grandparents. Of course, no matter how much innocence is lost as the world and life beats on you, you can always count on family...
I just had to get one good photo to document my weight loss so far - and my cute new flared jeans and fitted top. I haven't bought "real" clothes for myself in years. It was kind of fun! Total weight lost: 30 lbs since June 3rd. Plus the 230 lbs or so of lies that were gone rather instantly.And here is the "new" Funderburk family - my two brave knights in shining armor. My heros.
Ethan and Noah with "mammaw and papaw"...
And with Granny and Poppie. Poppie gets a big kick out of my boys.
What memories came flooding back of being a kid and sitting in the porch swing with your grandparents. Of course, no matter how much innocence is lost as the world and life beats on you, you can always count on family... Monday, July 16, 2007
Bittersweet Milestones
Today we had a milestone with Ethan. He began learning to ride a 2-wheeler without any training wheels. It was so exciting and I was so proud of him! His aunt Holly and his grandpa (my dad) helped him. He was grinning from ear to ear - and didn't even fall down once! The bittersweet part comes from that fact that this is a moment I always pictured him sharing with his daddy. Ah, well...guess there will be a lot of those in the future. I just gotta not make a big deal about it to him and he won't even know the difference. Just part of the sadness that is my burden to bear for now. I will post pictures as soon as I get home so you all can see it!
I'm so grateful that God's grace has surrounded my boys and He has sent many Godly, positive men to pour into their lives. From the simple, daily things such as wrestling time with my brother or our dear friend Eric Ostroot, to the more complex, permanent life-kind of things and disciplines. Both of my boys have amazingly embraced more prayer time, praise time and even seem to be absorbing more in their Biblical education times. And, even though it is technically the "dad's" role, since we don't have one around, I've taken the reins of pronouncing a blessing on them every evening - they really relish this! It's a special moment between us all.
Just another testimony to God's faithfulness and goodness. How could I ever fall away from a love so sweet and pure?
I'm so grateful that God's grace has surrounded my boys and He has sent many Godly, positive men to pour into their lives. From the simple, daily things such as wrestling time with my brother or our dear friend Eric Ostroot, to the more complex, permanent life-kind of things and disciplines. Both of my boys have amazingly embraced more prayer time, praise time and even seem to be absorbing more in their Biblical education times. And, even though it is technically the "dad's" role, since we don't have one around, I've taken the reins of pronouncing a blessing on them every evening - they really relish this! It's a special moment between us all.
Just another testimony to God's faithfulness and goodness. How could I ever fall away from a love so sweet and pure?
Friday, July 13, 2007
Family
My boys and I are in Ohio for a week. My aunt Para passed away and I thought it was a good excuse to get away and be with my family for a bit. It's bittersweet, given both my aunt's death and my husband's betrayal, but it's good to be around people who've loved you for your entire life unconditionally.
In spite of the sadness, one of the things that is kind of fun is my weight loss. I've updated my look with some cute, hip clothes now that I'm down a few sizes and since my family hasn't seen me in a while, it's a more dramatic response. And, with the wedding ring gone, it's a bit weird being noticed by other men as well. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time - but it feels a bit like high school/college! :) Of course the kind of attention I may be getting right now is just the same kind of attention my husband is giving other women, so it's just meaningless fluff and not what I want or need right now...but it feels good to be reminded that you are an attractive, vibrant woman.
Anyway, my family has been very supportive and so far the visit has been a positive thing. I was a bit nervous at the possibility of questions and reactions, but I've been pleasantly relieved at their restraint from pushing too hard for information, but willingness to lend a shoulder or hug.
You know - another testimony to the Grace of God - my sons seem to be just fine. They are surrounded by strong, Godly men who are pouring into their lives and Christ is proving himself to be a father to them and husband to me.
Keep praying! I love you all.
In spite of the sadness, one of the things that is kind of fun is my weight loss. I've updated my look with some cute, hip clothes now that I'm down a few sizes and since my family hasn't seen me in a while, it's a more dramatic response. And, with the wedding ring gone, it's a bit weird being noticed by other men as well. I'm sure I'll get used to it in time - but it feels a bit like high school/college! :) Of course the kind of attention I may be getting right now is just the same kind of attention my husband is giving other women, so it's just meaningless fluff and not what I want or need right now...but it feels good to be reminded that you are an attractive, vibrant woman.
Anyway, my family has been very supportive and so far the visit has been a positive thing. I was a bit nervous at the possibility of questions and reactions, but I've been pleasantly relieved at their restraint from pushing too hard for information, but willingness to lend a shoulder or hug.
You know - another testimony to the Grace of God - my sons seem to be just fine. They are surrounded by strong, Godly men who are pouring into their lives and Christ is proving himself to be a father to them and husband to me.
Keep praying! I love you all.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Overcoming Sin
God orchestrates things in very interesting ways, doesn't He? The class I'm taking on Sunday nights has been difficult on ocassion, given my present circumstances, but none-the-less Biblically sound and true. Truth usually isn't easy is it?
Last nights lesson was on overcoming the power of sin. Boy did I sit there rehashing the last month of pointless, futile conversations with Robert on that one. Here is the breakdown:
#1 - Learn why past efforts have failed. (We attempt to beat it ourselves. We want victory, yet want to enjoy the sin as well = doublemindedness. We are ignorant on what it really means to live in Christ. We make foolish fleshly provision for the sin. And we keep it shrouded in secrecy - every single one of these I've seen in Robert.)
#2 - Learn what it means to be "in Christ". (We benefit from our fathers' obediance as Levi was credited for Abraham's tithes. We also reap the consequences of our fathers' disobediance as we are born into Adam's sin. Since both of these are true, when we join Christ in the new birth, then what He did, we also did as a part of Him. i.e. - if he fulfilled the law and lived perfectly, then we fulfill the law and live perfectly - IN HIM)
#3 - Learn how to turn our position "in Christ" into daily experience. (acheived by the hearing of faith, asking for wisdom and revelation, and trusting God's Word rather than our human reasoning. For instance - God promised Abraham a son. He believed and it was credited to him as righteousness even though it was foolish and impossible according to human reasoning. Therefore, if we trust God's word when he says we are dead to sin, and believe it, then we can walk sinless. Our victory is already won in Christ. We simply turn that truth into reality through reckoning it so and yeilding to God's Spirit.
Now how do we "reckon"? By engrafting His word into our souls. Especially Romans 6 and Romans 8:1-15. This is more than meditation or memorization. It has to be second nature - to the point where we could quote it while sleeping. Then we meditate on it always - wording it in first person and even naming the sin (ex - "what shall I say then, shall I continue in lust or greed so that grace may abound? God forbid! I died to lust and greed; how can I live in it any longer?...). Then, I should make no provision for it. If the problem is lust, remove it from my home, work place, car, radio, TV,etc. If the problem is gluttony, get rid of extra and junk food. If the problem is lying, find someone to keep me accountable for every word out of my mouth. Next, picture yourself dead to the power and appeal of that sin. How would a dead man react to a seductress? Ignore her. To a lot of money? Ignore it. To a huge, scrumptious meal? Ignore it. The next step is the most important - accountability. Daily. It's clearly the early church model and we've lost sight of it under the guise of "privacy" and "not airing out my dirty laundry". Secrecy is the devil's most potent weapon. Last, we are to not only live "dead to sin" but "alive to righteousness" by recognizing and obeying the scriptural prompting of God's Spirit. To not only NOT do what is wrong, but to DO what is right. The instructor compared the law of sin to the law of gravity and an eagle. If an eagle who is soaring tucks in his wings, he will be subject to the law of gravity and will begin to plunge. If he keep the wings tucked, he has no choice but to crash. However, if he simply, with very little effort, spreads those wings, then a new law takes over - the law of lift. Because he was created to fly. And man was created in the image of God to live sinlessly. All we have to do is spread our wings of being "in Christ" and being "dead to sin" and we are no longer subject to the law of sin. But, WE have to do it. We cannot sit back and expect God to reach down and pull our wings out for us while we plummet.
This is a hard but timely teaching as I struggle with sinful attitudes such as hate, bitterness and vengence. And also as I am tempted with the same lusts my husband has embraced - I suppose part of that comes from the fact that he brought it in the home and the marriage bed - that he exposed me to it. And the other part comes from the fact that for 17 years I enjoyed a beautiful, Godly physical relationship with my husband that has now been cut off for me. But I have set in my heart that I will make no provision and I will embrace truth and engraft God's word into my heart that I might not sin against Him, or myself, or my friends and family, or my sons. My sons are innocent in all of this and I MUST make every decision in their best interest. There is no room for me to be selfish here. Their souls are much more important than any momentary temptation of deed or attitude. And now I have to fight against the onslaught their earthly father has unleashed. I have to pour into them truth, and remove the lies and deception and curses. I have to protect against the consequences they will inevitably face due to the disobediance and rebelliousness of their earthly father. I have to teach them what it means to let God be the only father they need.
May Christ be glorified. Please continue to lift me, Ethan and Noah up in your prayers.
Last nights lesson was on overcoming the power of sin. Boy did I sit there rehashing the last month of pointless, futile conversations with Robert on that one. Here is the breakdown:
#1 - Learn why past efforts have failed. (We attempt to beat it ourselves. We want victory, yet want to enjoy the sin as well = doublemindedness. We are ignorant on what it really means to live in Christ. We make foolish fleshly provision for the sin. And we keep it shrouded in secrecy - every single one of these I've seen in Robert.)
#2 - Learn what it means to be "in Christ". (We benefit from our fathers' obediance as Levi was credited for Abraham's tithes. We also reap the consequences of our fathers' disobediance as we are born into Adam's sin. Since both of these are true, when we join Christ in the new birth, then what He did, we also did as a part of Him. i.e. - if he fulfilled the law and lived perfectly, then we fulfill the law and live perfectly - IN HIM)
#3 - Learn how to turn our position "in Christ" into daily experience. (acheived by the hearing of faith, asking for wisdom and revelation, and trusting God's Word rather than our human reasoning. For instance - God promised Abraham a son. He believed and it was credited to him as righteousness even though it was foolish and impossible according to human reasoning. Therefore, if we trust God's word when he says we are dead to sin, and believe it, then we can walk sinless. Our victory is already won in Christ. We simply turn that truth into reality through reckoning it so and yeilding to God's Spirit.
Now how do we "reckon"? By engrafting His word into our souls. Especially Romans 6 and Romans 8:1-15. This is more than meditation or memorization. It has to be second nature - to the point where we could quote it while sleeping. Then we meditate on it always - wording it in first person and even naming the sin (ex - "what shall I say then, shall I continue in lust or greed so that grace may abound? God forbid! I died to lust and greed; how can I live in it any longer?...). Then, I should make no provision for it. If the problem is lust, remove it from my home, work place, car, radio, TV,etc. If the problem is gluttony, get rid of extra and junk food. If the problem is lying, find someone to keep me accountable for every word out of my mouth. Next, picture yourself dead to the power and appeal of that sin. How would a dead man react to a seductress? Ignore her. To a lot of money? Ignore it. To a huge, scrumptious meal? Ignore it. The next step is the most important - accountability. Daily. It's clearly the early church model and we've lost sight of it under the guise of "privacy" and "not airing out my dirty laundry". Secrecy is the devil's most potent weapon. Last, we are to not only live "dead to sin" but "alive to righteousness" by recognizing and obeying the scriptural prompting of God's Spirit. To not only NOT do what is wrong, but to DO what is right. The instructor compared the law of sin to the law of gravity and an eagle. If an eagle who is soaring tucks in his wings, he will be subject to the law of gravity and will begin to plunge. If he keep the wings tucked, he has no choice but to crash. However, if he simply, with very little effort, spreads those wings, then a new law takes over - the law of lift. Because he was created to fly. And man was created in the image of God to live sinlessly. All we have to do is spread our wings of being "in Christ" and being "dead to sin" and we are no longer subject to the law of sin. But, WE have to do it. We cannot sit back and expect God to reach down and pull our wings out for us while we plummet.
This is a hard but timely teaching as I struggle with sinful attitudes such as hate, bitterness and vengence. And also as I am tempted with the same lusts my husband has embraced - I suppose part of that comes from the fact that he brought it in the home and the marriage bed - that he exposed me to it. And the other part comes from the fact that for 17 years I enjoyed a beautiful, Godly physical relationship with my husband that has now been cut off for me. But I have set in my heart that I will make no provision and I will embrace truth and engraft God's word into my heart that I might not sin against Him, or myself, or my friends and family, or my sons. My sons are innocent in all of this and I MUST make every decision in their best interest. There is no room for me to be selfish here. Their souls are much more important than any momentary temptation of deed or attitude. And now I have to fight against the onslaught their earthly father has unleashed. I have to pour into them truth, and remove the lies and deception and curses. I have to protect against the consequences they will inevitably face due to the disobediance and rebelliousness of their earthly father. I have to teach them what it means to let God be the only father they need.
May Christ be glorified. Please continue to lift me, Ethan and Noah up in your prayers.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
He is Faithful and True
In spite of the mess and in spite of my human frailties and mistakes, I must take a moment to reflect and testify of the goodness and faithfulness of my God.
I have always been one who helped. I have always been one who was self sufficient. Now, when I find myself in a time of great need, I find the body of Christ doing exactly what we are told to do - without even having to ask for it. I cannot describe to those of you who are not here the amazing support I am receiving - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Friends and fellow Christians have rallied around me and my sons like I never imagined and are giving so freely of their time, love, and resources. It reminds me of that song "Held"...
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It’s unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
Our summer sermon series is on character. Interesting "coincidence", huh? Isn't it amazing how God knows just what you need when you need it? Today was on courage. Courage to choose to do what's right, courage to face your fears, courage to get back in the game when life hits you upside the head, courage to live with the consequences of someone else's choices. The emphasis keeps returning to this: God is much more interested in the development of my character than in my comfort level.
It's easy to say "I believe in the whole truth of scripture" when everything is rosey and soft. But to really live out what I believe to be true when it is not fun, happy, comfortable, or even "fair" - well, that's what it's about isn't it? It's either true or not. My circumstances have nothing to do with it. I either believe it all, or I don't believe it at all.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not some sadist who would have chosen this path. I still don't want to walk it, really. But this life is temporary and it's not about me - it's about bringing Glory to Christ Jesus and being molded in His image so I can spend eternity with Him, and bring as many people along as I can. If my momentary sufferings can lift Him up, then THY WILL BE DONE, LORD. I'm reminded of James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that it seems easier to just let the hatred and bitterness consume me. After all, that will make the pain of loving Rob go away faster, won't it? But that is the deception. Hatred and bitterness does nothing but harm me. It will keep me from receiving and giving love - to my children, my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to my fellow human. And to any future husband should the Lord have that for me. For now, I must focus on allowing Christ to be my everything - my husband, my provider, my comforter, my companion, my friend, my warrior, my defender, a father to my sons, my hiding place, my covering, my protection. It's all there - in His names. I just have to allow Him to be those things for me. I feel like my whole life has been a never ending lesson in letting go and learning to trust. Just when I think I've learned it, I find I know nothing. The stakes get higher. But if it makes me more like my Savior, if it points even one more person to the cross, then no price is too great, no stake is too high, no trial is too hard, and no suffering too much to endure. "To know Christ in the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings..."
In Christ, I can do all things. I want to walk through this storm with my head held high knowing my Lord and Master is proud of me. And knowing I brought honor to him. And knowing I have sown the seeds of blessing and life for my sons - not curses and death. I am not perfect and have already stumbled during the last 4 weeks - a lot. But His mercies are renewed to me every day. And His grace reminds me that stumbling is not a sin - unless I stay down.
I, with Paul, "consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Rom. 8:18) and say "who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:35-39)
In spite of the pain and hurt Rob has caused and continues to cause me, I sense that peace that surpasses understanding as Christ is continually reminding me that He is faithful and true - even though my husband was and is not.
Please continue to pray for Ethan, Noah and myself. And pray for Rob - he is so completely consumed by the lies. It's frustrating to talk to him because of the contradictions from one moment to the next and the obvious cluelessness he has about the whole thing. It's very sad to see his mind, once full of wisdom, to be so taken over by foolishness. I'm taking this class on Sunday nights and one lesson outlined the steps towards becoming reprobate (when you believe the lie so completely you can't see that your wrong). There are about 13 steps - I can clearly see each step Rob has taken. Step #7 is the turning place - it is one's response to guilt. At that point, you can either repent and head back down the ladder away from reprobation, or you can have an incomplete repentance ("please forgive me for this action or consequence" instead of "forgive me for my evil heart, change me and save me from myself" and head up the ladder. Step #9 is religious compensation - I suppose that's where Rob has been for years. It's not a true relationship with Christ - it's a "if I can only do what is good and right everything will be fine". Now he has passed step #10 - frustration over drives and teetering between #11 - re-examining scripture (he denies that consequences that are clearly laid out will happen to him and seems to think the nature of this sin as outlined in scripture doesn't apply in his circumstance - i.e. that he will eventually just tire of this without any fight whatsoever and the lust will just go away) and #12 - justifying immorality (if I just give in, I will get sick of it and want to repent eventually - almost as if continuous cheating on me is OK because it will eventually free him to reconcile with me) with glimpses of the last step, #13 - argumentation ("this is the only thing I believe will work for me, so it's not up for discussion.") His soul is in real jeopardy.
I have always been one who helped. I have always been one who was self sufficient. Now, when I find myself in a time of great need, I find the body of Christ doing exactly what we are told to do - without even having to ask for it. I cannot describe to those of you who are not here the amazing support I am receiving - mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Friends and fellow Christians have rallied around me and my sons like I never imagined and are giving so freely of their time, love, and resources. It reminds me of that song "Held"...
Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live? It’s unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred NUMB our sorrow.
The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
Our summer sermon series is on character. Interesting "coincidence", huh? Isn't it amazing how God knows just what you need when you need it? Today was on courage. Courage to choose to do what's right, courage to face your fears, courage to get back in the game when life hits you upside the head, courage to live with the consequences of someone else's choices. The emphasis keeps returning to this: God is much more interested in the development of my character than in my comfort level.
It's easy to say "I believe in the whole truth of scripture" when everything is rosey and soft. But to really live out what I believe to be true when it is not fun, happy, comfortable, or even "fair" - well, that's what it's about isn't it? It's either true or not. My circumstances have nothing to do with it. I either believe it all, or I don't believe it at all.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not some sadist who would have chosen this path. I still don't want to walk it, really. But this life is temporary and it's not about me - it's about bringing Glory to Christ Jesus and being molded in His image so I can spend eternity with Him, and bring as many people along as I can. If my momentary sufferings can lift Him up, then THY WILL BE DONE, LORD. I'm reminded of James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
I know that it seems easier to just let the hatred and bitterness consume me. After all, that will make the pain of loving Rob go away faster, won't it? But that is the deception. Hatred and bitterness does nothing but harm me. It will keep me from receiving and giving love - to my children, my family, my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ, to my fellow human. And to any future husband should the Lord have that for me. For now, I must focus on allowing Christ to be my everything - my husband, my provider, my comforter, my companion, my friend, my warrior, my defender, a father to my sons, my hiding place, my covering, my protection. It's all there - in His names. I just have to allow Him to be those things for me. I feel like my whole life has been a never ending lesson in letting go and learning to trust. Just when I think I've learned it, I find I know nothing. The stakes get higher. But if it makes me more like my Savior, if it points even one more person to the cross, then no price is too great, no stake is too high, no trial is too hard, and no suffering too much to endure. "To know Christ in the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings..."
In Christ, I can do all things. I want to walk through this storm with my head held high knowing my Lord and Master is proud of me. And knowing I brought honor to him. And knowing I have sown the seeds of blessing and life for my sons - not curses and death. I am not perfect and have already stumbled during the last 4 weeks - a lot. But His mercies are renewed to me every day. And His grace reminds me that stumbling is not a sin - unless I stay down.
I, with Paul, "consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Rom. 8:18) and say "who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: 'for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future,nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Rom. 8:35-39)
In spite of the pain and hurt Rob has caused and continues to cause me, I sense that peace that surpasses understanding as Christ is continually reminding me that He is faithful and true - even though my husband was and is not.
Please continue to pray for Ethan, Noah and myself. And pray for Rob - he is so completely consumed by the lies. It's frustrating to talk to him because of the contradictions from one moment to the next and the obvious cluelessness he has about the whole thing. It's very sad to see his mind, once full of wisdom, to be so taken over by foolishness. I'm taking this class on Sunday nights and one lesson outlined the steps towards becoming reprobate (when you believe the lie so completely you can't see that your wrong). There are about 13 steps - I can clearly see each step Rob has taken. Step #7 is the turning place - it is one's response to guilt. At that point, you can either repent and head back down the ladder away from reprobation, or you can have an incomplete repentance ("please forgive me for this action or consequence" instead of "forgive me for my evil heart, change me and save me from myself" and head up the ladder. Step #9 is religious compensation - I suppose that's where Rob has been for years. It's not a true relationship with Christ - it's a "if I can only do what is good and right everything will be fine". Now he has passed step #10 - frustration over drives and teetering between #11 - re-examining scripture (he denies that consequences that are clearly laid out will happen to him and seems to think the nature of this sin as outlined in scripture doesn't apply in his circumstance - i.e. that he will eventually just tire of this without any fight whatsoever and the lust will just go away) and #12 - justifying immorality (if I just give in, I will get sick of it and want to repent eventually - almost as if continuous cheating on me is OK because it will eventually free him to reconcile with me) with glimpses of the last step, #13 - argumentation ("this is the only thing I believe will work for me, so it's not up for discussion.") His soul is in real jeopardy.
Friday, June 22, 2007
And now there are three...
Many of you are most likely aware that life has taken a very sudden, unexpected turn for me. My life partner, my soul mate and best friend, my lover and the father of my children, has chosen not only to betray me, but to continually betray with no signs of remorse, repentance, or reconciliation. So now, the Funderburk Follies will only be about the life and times of 3 of us - myself, Ethan, and Noah.
It's very difficult to not take it all personal, as I'm sure you probably realize. At first, it was about his sexual addiction. Now, really, it's all about his heart - especially towards God. Rob is not the same person he was and every day I see him, he is less and less like who I knew. I feel so many different things in the course of seconds - grief, anger, frustration, unbelief - all that and much more. This really is all about his choices. He is choosing to walk away from God, me, and the children. He is choosing to just throw us all away. His heart is so hard that he actually believes that he will just wake up one morning completely sick of his selfish, rebellious choices because he's just given in to them with no restraints. Of course, we know that lust begats lust until you are consumed. If he ever does find himself wanting to stop, he wont' be able to, or he will find there is so much damage done (financially, disease, illegitimate children, seared conscience, etc.) that there is absolutely no going back. He has not only robbed me of my companion, friend, and lover, but he's also robbed me of the memories I've had of him - he's completely different.
So those of you who are praying types - pray he will come to the end of himself...no matter what it takes.
It's very difficult to not take it all personal, as I'm sure you probably realize. At first, it was about his sexual addiction. Now, really, it's all about his heart - especially towards God. Rob is not the same person he was and every day I see him, he is less and less like who I knew. I feel so many different things in the course of seconds - grief, anger, frustration, unbelief - all that and much more. This really is all about his choices. He is choosing to walk away from God, me, and the children. He is choosing to just throw us all away. His heart is so hard that he actually believes that he will just wake up one morning completely sick of his selfish, rebellious choices because he's just given in to them with no restraints. Of course, we know that lust begats lust until you are consumed. If he ever does find himself wanting to stop, he wont' be able to, or he will find there is so much damage done (financially, disease, illegitimate children, seared conscience, etc.) that there is absolutely no going back. He has not only robbed me of my companion, friend, and lover, but he's also robbed me of the memories I've had of him - he's completely different.
So those of you who are praying types - pray he will come to the end of himself...no matter what it takes.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Mommy's vacation
I am writing from a Residence Inn in Eagan where my wonderful husband booked me a room for THREE WHOLE DAYS!!!! He's a keeper, that one.
I'm on my third cup of coffee, I've read the newspaper AND a magazine, soaked in the tub until I turned into a prune and watched a chick flick while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I had forgotten what it feels like to have no agenda, schedule, appointments, responsibilities, chores, or "to do" list! Or what it feels like to sleep, uninterrupted, throughout the entire night. Simple pleasures are best.
This whole thing has got me thinking about the Sabbath rest, though. I think most of us Pentecostals dismiss this idea based on Colossians ("let no man judge you concerning what you eat and drink, or how you observe a festival, etc...") and on Jesus saying "the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath". We look at the commandment to rest as legalistic and say things like "since Jesus is my sabbath rest, I can be constantly working, doing, going." We are especially guilty of this in regards to church/ministry work. But I'm thinking we've let the pendulum swing too far in the other direction. God did not give His law out of some sick, power hungry tormentor mindset. He doesn't look at us as playthings. He gave the law out of love for us and because He knows what's best. I'm realizing that more and more as I grow in Him. I used to obey out of obligation or fear. My obedience was nothing more than a checklist. At the end of the day, hopefully I had more good checks than bad checks. How wrong and insulting to our Father is this? I now have freedom from that legalistic mindset - but it is not freedom to live however I please. It is freedom to obey out of LOVE - there is a BIG DIFFERENCE!!! I understand when Paul writes that "all things are permissible, but not all things are profitable". I don't have to get bogged down in the letter of the law and miss the spirit - the intent. The Sabbath was made for man because MAN NEEDS REST. We function better with it. We keep the proper perspective and attitude when we are not hurried or stressed. We we are rested, we are peaceful and can be confident with our decisions. It is easier to trust, to love, to help, to hear, and ultimately to do.
I do not believe I will go to hell if I choose to ignore this command. On the contrary, I believe it will get me to Heaven much quicker than I plan. I realize now that this is not an option God has given us, it is a mandate...for our own good and the good of those we love. It was nice to get away and be alone for an extended period. But I can't do that very often and I certainly don't want to get to the point of overwhelming exhaustion that I was at before I get another "rest". I need to learn to rest weekly - physically, mentally, and spiritually. To take one day out of seven to focus on the big picture and not even bat an eye at the things of this world. To remember what is eternal and what is temporary - and assess my attitude towards both.
Praise be to God for His mercies that are renewed daily to us. I'm still growing and learning - and I wouldn't have it any other way. It is kinda funny, though. The more I learn, the more I realize I NEED to learn and the farther away perfection seems. Oh, well - that's probably the point, isn't it?
I'm on my third cup of coffee, I've read the newspaper AND a magazine, soaked in the tub until I turned into a prune and watched a chick flick while eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's. I had forgotten what it feels like to have no agenda, schedule, appointments, responsibilities, chores, or "to do" list! Or what it feels like to sleep, uninterrupted, throughout the entire night. Simple pleasures are best.
This whole thing has got me thinking about the Sabbath rest, though. I think most of us Pentecostals dismiss this idea based on Colossians ("let no man judge you concerning what you eat and drink, or how you observe a festival, etc...") and on Jesus saying "the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath". We look at the commandment to rest as legalistic and say things like "since Jesus is my sabbath rest, I can be constantly working, doing, going." We are especially guilty of this in regards to church/ministry work. But I'm thinking we've let the pendulum swing too far in the other direction. God did not give His law out of some sick, power hungry tormentor mindset. He doesn't look at us as playthings. He gave the law out of love for us and because He knows what's best. I'm realizing that more and more as I grow in Him. I used to obey out of obligation or fear. My obedience was nothing more than a checklist. At the end of the day, hopefully I had more good checks than bad checks. How wrong and insulting to our Father is this? I now have freedom from that legalistic mindset - but it is not freedom to live however I please. It is freedom to obey out of LOVE - there is a BIG DIFFERENCE!!! I understand when Paul writes that "all things are permissible, but not all things are profitable". I don't have to get bogged down in the letter of the law and miss the spirit - the intent. The Sabbath was made for man because MAN NEEDS REST. We function better with it. We keep the proper perspective and attitude when we are not hurried or stressed. We we are rested, we are peaceful and can be confident with our decisions. It is easier to trust, to love, to help, to hear, and ultimately to do.
I do not believe I will go to hell if I choose to ignore this command. On the contrary, I believe it will get me to Heaven much quicker than I plan. I realize now that this is not an option God has given us, it is a mandate...for our own good and the good of those we love. It was nice to get away and be alone for an extended period. But I can't do that very often and I certainly don't want to get to the point of overwhelming exhaustion that I was at before I get another "rest". I need to learn to rest weekly - physically, mentally, and spiritually. To take one day out of seven to focus on the big picture and not even bat an eye at the things of this world. To remember what is eternal and what is temporary - and assess my attitude towards both.
Praise be to God for His mercies that are renewed daily to us. I'm still growing and learning - and I wouldn't have it any other way. It is kinda funny, though. The more I learn, the more I realize I NEED to learn and the farther away perfection seems. Oh, well - that's probably the point, isn't it?
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Spontaneous Dress Up
With girls it might be pretty dresses, mommy's make-up and lots of jewlery. With boys it's whatever happens to be around at the moment...in this case, the winter accessories that I was in the middle of packing away.
Noah doesn't seem to know why...only that this is what brother is doing so I guess I need to go along with it, too.
Noah doesn't seem to know why...only that this is what brother is doing so I guess I need to go along with it, too.Wednesday, May 9, 2007
The Big 0-5
Alas, we reach yet another milestone - leaving childhood behind and entering "kid-dom". Ethan had his first "friend" party. Imagine - a house full of 3 to 6 year old boys! It was scary and fun all at the same time! :)
I wish I could say I made the cake - I chickened out last minute and paid someone else to. Probably why it looks so good!
All the brave knights got to take a whack at the evil dragon who stole their treasure. Special thanks go out to my FHS homies for suggesting this one! Big hit! Of course, as predicted, the dragon could not be vanquished by bat alone, so we let the boys tear into it after about 10 minutes of pummelling. They went straight for the chocolate...imagine that.
I read them all a knight story and then knighted each one issuing them their own sword and sheild. I think it only took 5 minutes for someone to break theirs. Ah, well - they had fun breaking it and that's all that matters.It was a fun day - but I'm glad I don't plan on doing this every year!
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