that right feelings do indeed follow right choices, right attitudes, right "confessions"- eventually. I feel a tide turning in my heart, mind and spirit of late. And I want to give glory to God for his patience, gentleness, and unwavering faithfulness. As well as his forgiveness and grace.
You know, sometimes there just isn't a perfect choice or even a good choice. All you can do is make the best choice you know to make given the information you have at the time, or your ability to understand and process that information. Most of the time, we end up having to go back and clean up a mess we've made along the way. And that is grace. That is mercy.
I fully accept that I've been foolish, selfish, prideful, harsh, angry, bitter, vengeful, and a lot more during these last 7 months. Isn't it wonderful to know that Love is patient and never gives up? It endures all things and hopes all things. God's love for us is amazingly gracious and unconditional. Sometimes we need a push from behind, but other times we need gentle nudges and allowance to run back into His lap a bit when we should be a few steps farther. That's OK. He knows what we need and when we need it. He is, after all, our Man of Sorrows, acquainted with our grief.
A friend of mind wrote me today: " Wonder what God thinks as he sees us clinging to our tattered and torn earthly blankies (physical and emotional) when we could exchange them for glory like we've never seen? " So well spoken. A Rich Mullins song concurs: "I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want than take what You give that I need." But just like that child, sometimes it takes a while to be able to put down that blankie - it's so familiar and comfortable. And growth never is. Neither is death. But I am learning to embrace the pain and die to self. And I eagerly look for the "hope of Glory" that awaits me.
Here is something funny for you - God's Word and ways really are true. Imaging that! The more I am weak, the more I find strength in Him. The more I surrender, the more I am free. The more I die, the more I live. The more I let go, the more I gain. Oh the beautiful paradox that is the Christian life!
Today I realized...I trust Him. I REALLY trust Him. I thought I trusted before, but that was a shadow. Today I can say that even though the desert is hot, dry, painful and in no ways fun, I never want to go back to Egypt.
Tomorrow may be another story...that's why I'm journaling today. The Israelites marked important events and places to remember. This is my mark. I know the enemy will not find this amusing in any way so I must brace for the next round. But I will fight...and when there is no more fight in me, I will STAND and see the Salvation of my Redeemer. The battle is the Lord's. I'm FINALLY getting that. And it is making ALL the difference. What a shame that I was raised in a charismatic faith and I'm JUST NOW understanding and really learning spiritual warfare. Guess that's a skill you can't learn until you really need it.
When this is all over, I gotta write a book or something.
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