Bad news is it's been a rough couple of week. Good news is I can actually feel progress in my spirit and my mind. I asked my counselor about this back and forth thing and he said it's normal for me as long as I'm making progress. Apparently I have a "right side"...the side that is my go getter, my pick-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps side that wants to be done with it all and move on. Then there is my left side...my emotional side that must grieve and work through it. My right side feeds on anger - if I get good and mad at him the I can get over it. But anger blocks the grief. So every once in a while, my emotional side says "take a break already and let me cry". With each "set back" I cling desperately to the truth even though I don't feel it. And I come out on the other side feeling more detached, which is good. I come out believing the truth a bit more, and starting to feel the truth. That, my friends, is progress. Unfortunately my counselor has also told me this is going to take time and it will not be quick. But I must embrace it and let it happen at the pace God has designed.
I shared with my mom that it's a lot like a serious wound. Often a wound must be irritated in order to heal. A broken bone must be set, a deep cut or scrape must be cleaned thoroughly, a bullet must first be removed. It involves pain and suffering, but without it infection sets in and the danger of gangrene. My infection is bitterness. If I am ever to be whole and share life with another, then I must embrace the pain and the suffering and let Him clean the wound. Even if it means He has to remove the scab over and over again to apply the ointment. The only way to let it all go is to not deny it's existance - it must be dealt with. And it is deep so the cleansing must happen in phases like peeling an onion...remove one layer to deal with the layer underneath.
I am sensing a peace about moving to Ohio. I believe it's going to happen. It might mean, however, that I have to be willing to let him have the children for overnights and extended periods. That still scares me, but I have to trust Jesus with my kids just like I've had to trust him with my heart and my life and my salvation.
Pastor Pete spoke on "why God doesn't answer my prayers" Sunday. Among the reasons was "because He may have something better". Dear Jesus, please let it be so. I never imagined I would want my life to not have Rob in it. But that's where I'm heading. He simply has too much "junk" and I have less and less interest to help him with it or be burdened by it. I have a lot to offer and he squelched it in me. I will NOT settle ever again.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Lying Low
Well, I've had a few weird anomolies when it comes to this blog switching to private. I'm suspicious that Rob might still have found a way to access it, but I also could be completely paranoid. He has on 2 different occassions made comments about me "spreading his private informtion to third parties"...apart from the fact that he told me I could tell people early on, depsite the fact that most of his actions he confessed to many of you himself, and despite the fact that most of what is on the blog is my personal, spiritual journey and emotional processing. I think I've only given specific information twice. Maybe he's reading it, or maybe he's just upset that he can no longer read it so he's assuming it will always be about him. Anyway, if any of you are speaking to him, please don't share anything you know...just in case. And I also will try to keep the blog fairly neutral over the next few months. I will still keep those of you on my "prayer list" informed of issues as they arise via e-mail
I hate being under a microscope and not feeling as if I can be myself and be honest. I HATE playing games. But this is what it has come to. Feel free to contact me privately via phone or e-mail if you have any questions, comments, etc.
It's been a rough week. I hate waiting. Waiting causes my imagination to run wild. I also know my employment situaton is precarious, I can't make some deadlines even if we settled this thing tomorrow, and it's got me a bit stressed. There is a fine line between faith and foolishness sometimes. I've been trying to have faith that I will get to move to Ohio. Besides the faith, not beign able to do much, really, about employment here due to time adn financial restraints has caused me to be kinda putting my eggs in one basket. Now if that basket falls, all my eggs break, was I foolish or was God? His Word says he is faithful, so it must mean I missed it. If I miss it agian, I don't know if I have it in me to keep trusting that I'm hearing from the Lord. Apparently, I'm a LOUSY sheep.
So keep praying. I'm out of work in June and out of luck in MN - I'm no longer employable as a teacher. And I simply have not had the time nor money to take classes to renew my licensure. If I have to stay, I really have no idea what I will do at this time. That's just a wee bit scary place to be.
I hate being under a microscope and not feeling as if I can be myself and be honest. I HATE playing games. But this is what it has come to. Feel free to contact me privately via phone or e-mail if you have any questions, comments, etc.
It's been a rough week. I hate waiting. Waiting causes my imagination to run wild. I also know my employment situaton is precarious, I can't make some deadlines even if we settled this thing tomorrow, and it's got me a bit stressed. There is a fine line between faith and foolishness sometimes. I've been trying to have faith that I will get to move to Ohio. Besides the faith, not beign able to do much, really, about employment here due to time adn financial restraints has caused me to be kinda putting my eggs in one basket. Now if that basket falls, all my eggs break, was I foolish or was God? His Word says he is faithful, so it must mean I missed it. If I miss it agian, I don't know if I have it in me to keep trusting that I'm hearing from the Lord. Apparently, I'm a LOUSY sheep.
So keep praying. I'm out of work in June and out of luck in MN - I'm no longer employable as a teacher. And I simply have not had the time nor money to take classes to renew my licensure. If I have to stay, I really have no idea what I will do at this time. That's just a wee bit scary place to be.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Candid Camera
So now, when I say "smile for the camera"...here is what Noah gives me: (the first two are taken on my phone..a bit grainy - still learning how to use it. But you get the idea)
And just WHERE, do you suppose, he's learned this??????......................
(scroll down)
(smile) My boys are so much fun!!!!!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The Power of the Blood and the Word of My Testimony
I realized that some of you were left in the dark regarding my car stuff back around the holidays. Now that my blog is "private", I think I can talk more freely and openly without fear of providing ammo to the enemy. Forgive me if you already know this stuff, as I'm sure some of the info trickled out here and there over the months, but I just have to make sure I have it documented for my own remembrance, and for the Glory of God.
Back in Nov., my "check engine" light started coming on repeatedly. For those of you who know me, car issues have been the thorn in my side since I started driving. This is one reason I bought a Honda - to no longer have car issues. And it was during a lot of the really icky stuff with Rob, the finances were tight, etc. Just bad timing all the way around. I took it in for a diagnostic and was told it was the ERG valve. Estimated cost: a few hundred. I made a CONSCIOUS effort and decision to NOT PANIC. I figured if God really had me in his hand like I'd been told and was being reminded of constantly, then he'd work this out somehow. The garage made a couple of calls for me and found a technical service bulletin on this very problem. Covered until 80K miles or 8 years. Meaning, if I took the car to a Honda dealer, it would be covered for free. Yippee! Praise the Lord!
I have the car back for about a week and the light comes on again. At the same time, I feel the transmission slip. My heart sinks. I don't know a lot about cars, but I know enough to know that tranny problems = is your car even worth the $$$$$????? I take her into Honda to get the news. Yep, transmission will need to be REPLACED ($3000 est.) AND my catalytic converter has gone out (did you know they were made out of PLATINUM - $2000 est.). Again - a very difficult decision was made to not panic and you will never believe it...BOTH of these problems also had a technical service bulletin out. Covered until 80K or 8 years. Guess how old my car was? 7 years. Guess how many miles? 76K. The mechanic even commented that they usually didn't see the problem with the catalytic converter until closer to 100K miles, so this was unusual. I smiled inside and said "nope - it's God making sure that, like the children of Israel wandering in the desert, my clothes and shoes (and car) lasts longer than normal - on someone elses dime.
So after all that, I ended up with over $5000 in FREE car repairs - they didn't even charge me full price for a rental car. I think I paid a total of $60 bucks when I had a rental for well over a week put together. Isn't God amazing?
Now, couple that with an abundance of blessings to me and my kids for Christmas - from people who knew us and people who didn't, God working it out for me to have $8000 more in salary than I expected, my bills somehow being paid on time even before I had work, my money even now being stretched to it's limits with health care, full time child care, AND legal costs...yet I'm still not behind on any payments or bills, my Eagle, God sending a man to flirt at me on the highway when I needed it (Yes, I do believe that was God even as silly as that sounds), God revealing things Rob is doing that could be a problem, and orchestrating some of the little legal stuff in my favor so far, and a myriad of other smaller but no less significant "coincidences" (wink, wink) like cards in the mail when I needed them, anonymous gift cards or cash, etc., and the tapestry seems to be getting richer and richer with vibrant color. Even today at church - I was complimented out of the blue on my appearance, countenance, and singing by no less than 3 people, given a hug randomly by one of the teens at church, and invited to go out shopping with one friend, and karaoke with another. Why? Because this has been a particularly lonely week for me and I've struggled with feeling left out, lack of purpose, being unattractive, etc. AND GOD CARES. Years ago, I would have taken the stance of "buck up - you aren't the only one with problems and God has a lot more important things to do than deal with your pity party and victim mentality". But you know what? I'm learning God has NOTHING more important to do than me. That is not arrogance or pride talking. That is a saint who is just starting to grasp how deep, high, wide, and long is the love of Christ and just starting to KNOW that love that surpasses understanding. I know I can't dwell in pity - I don't want to. But I also know he understands when I'm there and isn't standing on the side saying "pull yourself together". No, he's getting down in the mud with me, hugging me, crying with me and saying "I understand...now let me help you out of this."
I don't know why He has chosen to allow me a glimpse into the betrayal and abandonment he must have felt coming into this Holy week. As I reflect on today, Palm Sunday, I realize the very people who were triumphantly heralding him into the city are the very same ones who by Friday will be screaming "give us Barabbas and crucify Him!". Think about that. A friend wrote to me in an e-mail recently...they asked for a known murderer and thief to be released back among them, and demanded that mercy, grace and love be put to death. The man who had healed many of them without asking for a thing in return. The man who had forgiven sins and shown them a more excellent way. The man who had loved the unlovable and reached out to those who were outcasts. Instead, they preferred the man who had killed, stolen from, and generally mistreated his fellow man.
What is wrong with the human heart that it can choose like that? That it can turn so drastically so quickly - from praise to persecute in less than a week? "The human heart is deceitful above all things...who can know it?"
Back in Nov., my "check engine" light started coming on repeatedly. For those of you who know me, car issues have been the thorn in my side since I started driving. This is one reason I bought a Honda - to no longer have car issues. And it was during a lot of the really icky stuff with Rob, the finances were tight, etc. Just bad timing all the way around. I took it in for a diagnostic and was told it was the ERG valve. Estimated cost: a few hundred. I made a CONSCIOUS effort and decision to NOT PANIC. I figured if God really had me in his hand like I'd been told and was being reminded of constantly, then he'd work this out somehow. The garage made a couple of calls for me and found a technical service bulletin on this very problem. Covered until 80K miles or 8 years. Meaning, if I took the car to a Honda dealer, it would be covered for free. Yippee! Praise the Lord!
I have the car back for about a week and the light comes on again. At the same time, I feel the transmission slip. My heart sinks. I don't know a lot about cars, but I know enough to know that tranny problems = is your car even worth the $$$$$????? I take her into Honda to get the news. Yep, transmission will need to be REPLACED ($3000 est.) AND my catalytic converter has gone out (did you know they were made out of PLATINUM - $2000 est.). Again - a very difficult decision was made to not panic and you will never believe it...BOTH of these problems also had a technical service bulletin out. Covered until 80K or 8 years. Guess how old my car was? 7 years. Guess how many miles? 76K. The mechanic even commented that they usually didn't see the problem with the catalytic converter until closer to 100K miles, so this was unusual. I smiled inside and said "nope - it's God making sure that, like the children of Israel wandering in the desert, my clothes and shoes (and car) lasts longer than normal - on someone elses dime.
So after all that, I ended up with over $5000 in FREE car repairs - they didn't even charge me full price for a rental car. I think I paid a total of $60 bucks when I had a rental for well over a week put together. Isn't God amazing?
Now, couple that with an abundance of blessings to me and my kids for Christmas - from people who knew us and people who didn't, God working it out for me to have $8000 more in salary than I expected, my bills somehow being paid on time even before I had work, my money even now being stretched to it's limits with health care, full time child care, AND legal costs...yet I'm still not behind on any payments or bills, my Eagle, God sending a man to flirt at me on the highway when I needed it (Yes, I do believe that was God even as silly as that sounds), God revealing things Rob is doing that could be a problem, and orchestrating some of the little legal stuff in my favor so far, and a myriad of other smaller but no less significant "coincidences" (wink, wink) like cards in the mail when I needed them, anonymous gift cards or cash, etc., and the tapestry seems to be getting richer and richer with vibrant color. Even today at church - I was complimented out of the blue on my appearance, countenance, and singing by no less than 3 people, given a hug randomly by one of the teens at church, and invited to go out shopping with one friend, and karaoke with another. Why? Because this has been a particularly lonely week for me and I've struggled with feeling left out, lack of purpose, being unattractive, etc. AND GOD CARES. Years ago, I would have taken the stance of "buck up - you aren't the only one with problems and God has a lot more important things to do than deal with your pity party and victim mentality". But you know what? I'm learning God has NOTHING more important to do than me. That is not arrogance or pride talking. That is a saint who is just starting to grasp how deep, high, wide, and long is the love of Christ and just starting to KNOW that love that surpasses understanding. I know I can't dwell in pity - I don't want to. But I also know he understands when I'm there and isn't standing on the side saying "pull yourself together". No, he's getting down in the mud with me, hugging me, crying with me and saying "I understand...now let me help you out of this."
I don't know why He has chosen to allow me a glimpse into the betrayal and abandonment he must have felt coming into this Holy week. As I reflect on today, Palm Sunday, I realize the very people who were triumphantly heralding him into the city are the very same ones who by Friday will be screaming "give us Barabbas and crucify Him!". Think about that. A friend wrote to me in an e-mail recently...they asked for a known murderer and thief to be released back among them, and demanded that mercy, grace and love be put to death. The man who had healed many of them without asking for a thing in return. The man who had forgiven sins and shown them a more excellent way. The man who had loved the unlovable and reached out to those who were outcasts. Instead, they preferred the man who had killed, stolen from, and generally mistreated his fellow man.
What is wrong with the human heart that it can choose like that? That it can turn so drastically so quickly - from praise to persecute in less than a week? "The human heart is deceitful above all things...who can know it?"
Friday, March 14, 2008
Saul and David
I have had a difficult time these last 9 months grasping the fact that my will alone was not enough to fix my family. To recognize that Rob’s removal from my life was actually a blessing rather than a curse – a move by God Himself to protect me and my children from the sin and curse of their father. My boys will grow to understand the concept of spiritual adoption – our being grafted into the vine of Israel through the sacrifice of Jesus. Our being chosen by our perfect Heavenly Father by the price paid by our Brother, Christ. A biological father is not nearly as important as a spiritual one. And now, God keeps comforting me with the story of Saul and David in my heart. Saul was God’s chosen for Israel. No doubt about it. But then Saul chose wrong. So God removed Him…not to punish Israel with second best. Once Saul chose disobedience, he was no longer God’s best for Israel. So God anointed David, who became His best, His champion. Even with his faults, God knew his heart was one that longed for God – and Saul’s had fallen away. Rob was my Saul. I now wait for my David. And I wait not with the eyes of a naïve, young girl, but with those of a hopeful, optimistic woman of God who is no longer looking for her prince charming, but for a partner and brother in Christ to share life and love with. I loved Rob purely, that I know. And I will love that purely again, for it is the only way to love. The pain is simply confirmation that I loved right. Israel loved Saul, but they loved David even more. Until then, “His grace is sufficient for me” and I have made my choice. Me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
God never promised us a life free from trouble, did He? The way I figure it, as long as I continue to seek the face of my savior, He will make something beautiful out of these ashes. This is refining fire. As long as I come out looking more like Jesus, then I say “behold the handmaiden of the Lord. May it be unto me according to your will.” And he will eventually send someone else into my life and my children’s life that will see and appreciate the beauty and strength He has bestowed upon us in His grace. I have never understood the “His strength is made perfect in my weakness” verse until now. Christ is beautiful. Simply put – and I am nothing, NOTHING apart from Him. I am experiencing more and more surrender…and it’s liberating to say the least.
God never promised us a life free from trouble, did He? The way I figure it, as long as I continue to seek the face of my savior, He will make something beautiful out of these ashes. This is refining fire. As long as I come out looking more like Jesus, then I say “behold the handmaiden of the Lord. May it be unto me according to your will.” And he will eventually send someone else into my life and my children’s life that will see and appreciate the beauty and strength He has bestowed upon us in His grace. I have never understood the “His strength is made perfect in my weakness” verse until now. Christ is beautiful. Simply put – and I am nothing, NOTHING apart from Him. I am experiencing more and more surrender…and it’s liberating to say the least.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
The Boob Tube
I try to only have one or 2 shows that I watch regularly - 'course now that I have nothing really to do once the kids are in bed, TV is becoming more of a nightly staple. It sucks. I'd rather be cuddling or talking or playing games with my husband than staring at the boob tube. (Actually I plan to start using the time to exercise to some video tapes to continue with the weight loss and to tone the flab from the first 50 lbs) But since Fox has decided to deny me my Jack Bauer for the season, I'm catching up on two shows that intrigued me, but my commitment to 24 prevented my watching them: Heroes and Lost.
Blockbuster has both of these in stock and I must say I am enjoying them both. Still in season one of both of them, but catching up. For Lost, I'm especially enjoying the character background and can't wait to find out another back story. For Heroes, I'm enjoying the plot and find myself in nail biting anticipation to see what happens next. Been a while since I've been completely engrossed in a new show. 24 has been the only one for a couple of years now. Before that, I have to go all the way back to X Files.
I managed to find someone who has FireFly on DVD that I'm going to borrow next. I've heard lots of good things about it and can't wait until I can check it out.
Even though I'm enjoying the shows and I'm even starting to appreciate and perhaps enjoy the time to myself, I really miss being married and having that other person to relate to instead of passively sitting and watching TV. It feels kind of lame sometimes - like I don't have a life. I know it's just a phase right now and hopefully once I'm in a position to have more regular babysitters (my family in Ohio), I can actually start going out with adult friends more often and even perhaps dating (gasp). That prospect is a bit unnerving, but not so much to keep me from jumping in. I just hope it's not like high school - the flirting may be fun but the head games suck. I didn't like them then, and I'm sure I won't like them as a 37 year old mother of two - I don't have time for that.
Blockbuster has both of these in stock and I must say I am enjoying them both. Still in season one of both of them, but catching up. For Lost, I'm especially enjoying the character background and can't wait to find out another back story. For Heroes, I'm enjoying the plot and find myself in nail biting anticipation to see what happens next. Been a while since I've been completely engrossed in a new show. 24 has been the only one for a couple of years now. Before that, I have to go all the way back to X Files.
I managed to find someone who has FireFly on DVD that I'm going to borrow next. I've heard lots of good things about it and can't wait until I can check it out.
Even though I'm enjoying the shows and I'm even starting to appreciate and perhaps enjoy the time to myself, I really miss being married and having that other person to relate to instead of passively sitting and watching TV. It feels kind of lame sometimes - like I don't have a life. I know it's just a phase right now and hopefully once I'm in a position to have more regular babysitters (my family in Ohio), I can actually start going out with adult friends more often and even perhaps dating (gasp). That prospect is a bit unnerving, but not so much to keep me from jumping in. I just hope it's not like high school - the flirting may be fun but the head games suck. I didn't like them then, and I'm sure I won't like them as a 37 year old mother of two - I don't have time for that.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Ethan's recording debut
Here is Ethan, along with all the other Kindergarten students at his school on thier very own school CD recorded back in November. Enjoy!
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Some snowy fun
Mrs. Rollerson sent home a sheet of ideas to do at home to celebrate the snow. These two were Ethan's favorites:
Marshmallow snowmen. Ethan's is in the middle. Unfortunately they are not edible because mom didn't have any icing to make them stick together so we used glue - for the hats and the graham crackers. But they made a lovely centerpiece on our table for several weeks.
Homemade snow globe. Mom was also out of glitter so we cut up aluminum foil into small(ish) pieces. The green thing is a wooden tree from his train collection. Not sure why the camera seems to be farsighted.
Ethan is right now involved in a read-a-thon at school. If anyone would like to sponsor him, his goal is to read (ie-look at books or be read to) for a total of 200 (at least) minutes this month. You can pledge a price per minute, or a flat rate. Donations are tax deductible and can be made out to North Heights Christian Academy. Even if you are out of state - I don't think that is a problem. Please e-mail me with your name and pledge if you would like to do this and I will add you to Ethan's pledge sheet. Grandma's...? Grandpa's? C'mon - step up! :)
Marshmallow snowmen. Ethan's is in the middle. Unfortunately they are not edible because mom didn't have any icing to make them stick together so we used glue - for the hats and the graham crackers. But they made a lovely centerpiece on our table for several weeks.
Homemade snow globe. Mom was also out of glitter so we cut up aluminum foil into small(ish) pieces. The green thing is a wooden tree from his train collection. Not sure why the camera seems to be farsighted.Ethan is right now involved in a read-a-thon at school. If anyone would like to sponsor him, his goal is to read (ie-look at books or be read to) for a total of 200 (at least) minutes this month. You can pledge a price per minute, or a flat rate. Donations are tax deductible and can be made out to North Heights Christian Academy. Even if you are out of state - I don't think that is a problem. Please e-mail me with your name and pledge if you would like to do this and I will add you to Ethan's pledge sheet. Grandma's...? Grandpa's? C'mon - step up! :)
The last sippy...
Sniff. Not so much over the sippy mind you (it went straight into the trash after this photo) but for the era it represents. Now, when I get to the last diaper there will be no tears shed.Ah, well...on with the adventure!
N is for Turtle
Noah's latest thing: playing turtle. Wonder of the folks at IKEA thought about this when they made their little rocker?
Here is the baby turtle waving at me from under his shell. It really amuses me - he thought of this all on his own. One day, he's crawling around on the floor with this rocker on his back. I asked him "what are you doing, Noah?" And he replied matter-of-factly "I'm playing turtle." And has almost every day for 2 weeks now.
Here is the baby turtle waving at me from under his shell. It really amuses me - he thought of this all on his own. One day, he's crawling around on the floor with this rocker on his back. I asked him "what are you doing, Noah?" And he replied matter-of-factly "I'm playing turtle." And has almost every day for 2 weeks now. Thursday, February 21, 2008
Concessions?
For those of you praying - be encouraged and keep it up. Rob has conceeded sole religious upbringing responsibility to me. And this last weekend, I found out he's been liquidating our retirment money. Once I got my lawyer involved with this, his lawyer (who since Dec. has not been in any hurry to get him to meet deadlines or disclose information, etc.) has shown a very sudden interest in getting things settled sooner rather than later...I think she realized he will not be able to pay her very soon. Especially if he's not allowed to liquidate the retirement. Still no job. He also agreed to allow me to file my own taxes in light of this.
I've been praying that he would begin to feel the consequences of his actions and choices. I'm seeing it. His creditors have been calling me looking for him. If we are sucessful in freezing his access to the retirement, and he doesn't get a full time job or at least another part time or two, then his source of income is essentially cut off and it's only a matter of time before he's either sleeping in his car, in a shelter, or has to start doing the "move in with a girlfriend" thing. Unless this pain restores his right mind and leads him to repentance and help. Keep praying. I don't want to be here with the boys when he falls apart - I'd like to be home in Ohio. And I'd like to be free to go (i.e. have everything wrapped up legally) BEFORE my 18th anniversary.
I'll try to get some pics of the boys up soon - been quite busy with the new full time working single mommy gig.
I've been praying that he would begin to feel the consequences of his actions and choices. I'm seeing it. His creditors have been calling me looking for him. If we are sucessful in freezing his access to the retirement, and he doesn't get a full time job or at least another part time or two, then his source of income is essentially cut off and it's only a matter of time before he's either sleeping in his car, in a shelter, or has to start doing the "move in with a girlfriend" thing. Unless this pain restores his right mind and leads him to repentance and help. Keep praying. I don't want to be here with the boys when he falls apart - I'd like to be home in Ohio. And I'd like to be free to go (i.e. have everything wrapped up legally) BEFORE my 18th anniversary.
I'll try to get some pics of the boys up soon - been quite busy with the new full time working single mommy gig.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Tired
Wow. I thought I was tired after I had both of my babies and was only getting sleep in 2-3 hour increments. But now, after 8 months of only averaging 5 hours a night or less, plus working full time and trying to maintain a homestead and household by myself...well, let's just say somethings gotta change soon.
Rob thinks there is no reason why I should not be willing to let him help with the maintenance on the home, or even running errands from time to time for us. Can you imagine? He wants to play house. Apparently, in his world, this is the way it's done. Why, some of the new friends he has even live under the same roof as divorced people "for the sake of the kids". He actually looks at me as if I just can't think logically here because my emotions are not in control like his - and that is my problem. I need to move past this so we can 'maintain the status quo" for the boys...nevermind that MY status quo and the boys status quo was mommy at home full time teaching them while daddy worked. No, it's really Rob's status quo he wants to maintain...he get's his domestic fix when he wants it and gets to play otherwise. It's sick and I really don't care if that's the way the world does it. I have no intentions of having any relationship with this man apart from what I must with regards to the kids. And allowing him to play "domestic partner" is NOT part of the deal.
This creates a bit of fear in me when I'm weak and tired - Rob comes off as very logical and wanting to do whatever is best for the boys (provided it doesn't mean him having to change his life too much - like moving to Ohio or actually repenting) and makes me seem like the emotional basketcase who just can't see past her pain. Please, someone tell me this is just not logical. I'm not crazy for not wanting to maintain a domestic relationship with him am I? Is it possible the courts will actually say to me "why not? Seems like a good arrangement for the kids and you are an adult so you can get over it."
I know I have good arguements for moving - financial ones, employment ones, emotional ones. And I've already been shown that my concerns for letting him have the kids in the night time is valid becuase the neutral evaluators agreed with me - no overnights until he's tested and they can see more clearly what's going on in his brain. But I also know the legal reality is that worse parents than Rob have been granted parental visitation and/or custody, and that whole parental rights piece seems to trump financial stability or emotional stability. After all, it would trample on poor Rob's civil rights to not be able to have access to his children. Apparently it's not in the kid's or my civil rights to have emotional, financial and spiritual support as well as stability.
How am I supposed to look forward to 16 years of "co-parenting" with a man who no longer shares my values and really only wants to parent in so much as it doesn't require him to change his life? And who SEEMS to have the courts to support this behavior and choices - becuase he's not doing anything "illegal". At least that we KNOW and can prove.
That brings me to my last revelation for today: I realize that I've been a single parent for a while now. But not just to Ethan and Noah. Also to Rob. I never set out to parent my spouse, but as I look back to the last 2 years or so, I see it's a role he kind of forced me into. What I thought was supporting him as a wife on this side is starting to look like an attempt to save him from himself...just like a mom is supposed to do. I picked up his slack - financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I tried not to in many instances, giving him the room and time to be the man and head he was supposed to. But there comes a time when it just has to be done and if the person who is supposed to do it isn't going to, well then, you must. Of course, I'm thinking that's what a friend does. That's what a wife does. At least, that's how it's supposed to work - we are supposed to challenge, sharpen, make one another better, help each other. But all Rob was doing was resenting himself for not being able to meet expectations and resenting me for being able to apparently - because he had no intentions of changing and didn't WANT to change. He just wanted everyone to stop expecting him to be a Christian, father, husband, friend. But I know for a fact that I never forced anything nor did I nag. Of course, to him, if I had to ask more than one time becuase he forgot, or is procrastinating, then I'm nagging. He is so much just like the teen agers I teach right now, it's comical....and sad.
Please continue praying for the legal side of things. We are all on hold waiting for Rob to "get it together" and do his evaluation. He's stalling because of the cost involved. Oh, he has plenty of money to go out, pay his fancy phone bill, buy clothes, take the kids out to eat, but not enough to get a court requested psych eval done. His creditors are starting to call me, too. Perhaps, part of that waiting that God is asking of me is to just wait for Rob's finances to crash around him...then he can't really fight anymore. I hate waiting, but I am intrigued to see how God is going to show Himself through this.
Rob thinks there is no reason why I should not be willing to let him help with the maintenance on the home, or even running errands from time to time for us. Can you imagine? He wants to play house. Apparently, in his world, this is the way it's done. Why, some of the new friends he has even live under the same roof as divorced people "for the sake of the kids". He actually looks at me as if I just can't think logically here because my emotions are not in control like his - and that is my problem. I need to move past this so we can 'maintain the status quo" for the boys...nevermind that MY status quo and the boys status quo was mommy at home full time teaching them while daddy worked. No, it's really Rob's status quo he wants to maintain...he get's his domestic fix when he wants it and gets to play otherwise. It's sick and I really don't care if that's the way the world does it. I have no intentions of having any relationship with this man apart from what I must with regards to the kids. And allowing him to play "domestic partner" is NOT part of the deal.
This creates a bit of fear in me when I'm weak and tired - Rob comes off as very logical and wanting to do whatever is best for the boys (provided it doesn't mean him having to change his life too much - like moving to Ohio or actually repenting) and makes me seem like the emotional basketcase who just can't see past her pain. Please, someone tell me this is just not logical. I'm not crazy for not wanting to maintain a domestic relationship with him am I? Is it possible the courts will actually say to me "why not? Seems like a good arrangement for the kids and you are an adult so you can get over it."
I know I have good arguements for moving - financial ones, employment ones, emotional ones. And I've already been shown that my concerns for letting him have the kids in the night time is valid becuase the neutral evaluators agreed with me - no overnights until he's tested and they can see more clearly what's going on in his brain. But I also know the legal reality is that worse parents than Rob have been granted parental visitation and/or custody, and that whole parental rights piece seems to trump financial stability or emotional stability. After all, it would trample on poor Rob's civil rights to not be able to have access to his children. Apparently it's not in the kid's or my civil rights to have emotional, financial and spiritual support as well as stability.
How am I supposed to look forward to 16 years of "co-parenting" with a man who no longer shares my values and really only wants to parent in so much as it doesn't require him to change his life? And who SEEMS to have the courts to support this behavior and choices - becuase he's not doing anything "illegal". At least that we KNOW and can prove.
That brings me to my last revelation for today: I realize that I've been a single parent for a while now. But not just to Ethan and Noah. Also to Rob. I never set out to parent my spouse, but as I look back to the last 2 years or so, I see it's a role he kind of forced me into. What I thought was supporting him as a wife on this side is starting to look like an attempt to save him from himself...just like a mom is supposed to do. I picked up his slack - financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I tried not to in many instances, giving him the room and time to be the man and head he was supposed to. But there comes a time when it just has to be done and if the person who is supposed to do it isn't going to, well then, you must. Of course, I'm thinking that's what a friend does. That's what a wife does. At least, that's how it's supposed to work - we are supposed to challenge, sharpen, make one another better, help each other. But all Rob was doing was resenting himself for not being able to meet expectations and resenting me for being able to apparently - because he had no intentions of changing and didn't WANT to change. He just wanted everyone to stop expecting him to be a Christian, father, husband, friend. But I know for a fact that I never forced anything nor did I nag. Of course, to him, if I had to ask more than one time becuase he forgot, or is procrastinating, then I'm nagging. He is so much just like the teen agers I teach right now, it's comical....and sad.
Please continue praying for the legal side of things. We are all on hold waiting for Rob to "get it together" and do his evaluation. He's stalling because of the cost involved. Oh, he has plenty of money to go out, pay his fancy phone bill, buy clothes, take the kids out to eat, but not enough to get a court requested psych eval done. His creditors are starting to call me, too. Perhaps, part of that waiting that God is asking of me is to just wait for Rob's finances to crash around him...then he can't really fight anymore. I hate waiting, but I am intrigued to see how God is going to show Himself through this.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Be the Eagle
This is the theme from Ethan's school this year. He has told me "mommy, did you know
Eagles can fly above a rain storm?" and "Eagles can see really good".
My pastor did a sermon series a couple of months back called "Wings". He spoke of us hiding under God's wings, riding on top of God's wings, extending our own wings to soar and to protect others.
Yesterday, I was praying and feeling very blue, missing the Rob I knew and feeling rather anxious at the legal fight ahead of me. I THOUGHT I kept hearing God bring me back to 2 things I THINK He's been telling me (I'm hesitant to credit God because over the last 8 months there have been many times when what I thought was the voice of God seems to have turned out to be my own voice, or possibly even the enemy preying on my emotions...I hope I'm not the only one out there who has some trouble telling the difference sometimes. Guess I'm not always a very good sheep, huh?) The two things: 1)WAIT, Lori...you have done all you can now stand still and know that I am God and 2)soar above this with me...get your eyes on me and not Rob or the circumstance.
Have I been listening? Apparently not very well because yesterday I'm driving home and what do I see swooping in and out of traffic on Snelling Ave. in the middle of commercial property no where near a river? A large, adult, bald eagle. I've been here 12 years and have never seen that. And it flew off once my car passed. I still almost missed it until this verse popped in my head "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles...". Once the fact that the Omnipotent Creator of all the Universe took a moment to send me an eagle to remind me of His presence, I wept all the way home.
So the more I allow the Lord to heal my heart here, and the more freedom I find as I let go of my wrong judgments and really learn to trust the Lord completely, the more my spirit is open to seeing and hearing what He is saying and has apparently been saying since the beginning of this mess: rest in me, Lori. Stop trying to control the situation. Let ME be your strength. Let me be your defender. Vengence is mine, not yours. Your job is simply to abide in me and allow me to abide in you. Your job is to LET ME. Let me heal you. Let me transform you. Let me fix what is wrong in you - and release the rest. You can't fix it anyway.
And he's been showing me, speaking to me through so many channels, but I've not been tuned in to hear them. Oh, I've been able to recognize the biggies: $5000 of free car repairs, abundant blessings for Christmas from numerous sources for myself and my boys, a job making $8000 more than I had even dared hope for. But I was missing those whispers of "I'm still here. You are carved into my hand. I'm still in control of YOU and your children because you are in covenant with me...and I'm certainly able to influence secular minds and systems to ensure MY will is done for those who belong to me." Those whispers through my son relaying his school theme. The whispers through a sermon series. And now even sending an eagle...just for me. Coincidence? I think not.
It makes me hunger and thirst for more. It makes me desperate to know Him more intimately than ever. It makes the world fade away and become less important or scary. If the Lord is my stronghold and my salvation...whom shall I fear? What can man do to me?
Every day I am learning a bit more to agree with the writer of that hymn...yes, tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...Oh, for grace to trust Him more. I'm learning to be content and at peace - to know that I may be pressed, but not crushed. Persecuted but not abandoned. Struck down, but not destroyed. And though I may get rattled at first, I'm finding it easier to take a deep breath, hit my knees and cast it upon Him.
I shall not be moved.
Eagles can fly above a rain storm?" and "Eagles can see really good".
My pastor did a sermon series a couple of months back called "Wings". He spoke of us hiding under God's wings, riding on top of God's wings, extending our own wings to soar and to protect others.
Yesterday, I was praying and feeling very blue, missing the Rob I knew and feeling rather anxious at the legal fight ahead of me. I THOUGHT I kept hearing God bring me back to 2 things I THINK He's been telling me (I'm hesitant to credit God because over the last 8 months there have been many times when what I thought was the voice of God seems to have turned out to be my own voice, or possibly even the enemy preying on my emotions...I hope I'm not the only one out there who has some trouble telling the difference sometimes. Guess I'm not always a very good sheep, huh?) The two things: 1)WAIT, Lori...you have done all you can now stand still and know that I am God and 2)soar above this with me...get your eyes on me and not Rob or the circumstance.
Have I been listening? Apparently not very well because yesterday I'm driving home and what do I see swooping in and out of traffic on Snelling Ave. in the middle of commercial property no where near a river? A large, adult, bald eagle. I've been here 12 years and have never seen that. And it flew off once my car passed. I still almost missed it until this verse popped in my head "they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles...". Once the fact that the Omnipotent Creator of all the Universe took a moment to send me an eagle to remind me of His presence, I wept all the way home.
So the more I allow the Lord to heal my heart here, and the more freedom I find as I let go of my wrong judgments and really learn to trust the Lord completely, the more my spirit is open to seeing and hearing what He is saying and has apparently been saying since the beginning of this mess: rest in me, Lori. Stop trying to control the situation. Let ME be your strength. Let me be your defender. Vengence is mine, not yours. Your job is simply to abide in me and allow me to abide in you. Your job is to LET ME. Let me heal you. Let me transform you. Let me fix what is wrong in you - and release the rest. You can't fix it anyway.
And he's been showing me, speaking to me through so many channels, but I've not been tuned in to hear them. Oh, I've been able to recognize the biggies: $5000 of free car repairs, abundant blessings for Christmas from numerous sources for myself and my boys, a job making $8000 more than I had even dared hope for. But I was missing those whispers of "I'm still here. You are carved into my hand. I'm still in control of YOU and your children because you are in covenant with me...and I'm certainly able to influence secular minds and systems to ensure MY will is done for those who belong to me." Those whispers through my son relaying his school theme. The whispers through a sermon series. And now even sending an eagle...just for me. Coincidence? I think not.
It makes me hunger and thirst for more. It makes me desperate to know Him more intimately than ever. It makes the world fade away and become less important or scary. If the Lord is my stronghold and my salvation...whom shall I fear? What can man do to me?
Every day I am learning a bit more to agree with the writer of that hymn...yes, tis so sweet to trust in Jesus...Oh, for grace to trust Him more. I'm learning to be content and at peace - to know that I may be pressed, but not crushed. Persecuted but not abandoned. Struck down, but not destroyed. And though I may get rattled at first, I'm finding it easier to take a deep breath, hit my knees and cast it upon Him.
I shall not be moved.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Smart Boards....
Are possibly THE coolest thing ever! My new job is at a Technology Magnet School in St. Paul. Every teacher has their own iBook and a SmartBoard in their rooms. If I have a kid who has is learning disabled for writing and I'm supposed to provide him/her copies of my notes, anything I write on the board can be printed off immediately with the touch of a button. I can integrate charts, graphs or images directly off the internet because we are also wired and wireless. It's AWESOME!!! Everything written on the board or typed can be manipulated by hand directly on the board...for instance: I had the students divide their paper into 2 columns, label one side "rotation" and the other side "revolution" (I did the same on the board). Then I wrote several words that had to do with each such as "axis", "orbit", "365", "24", "year", "day", etc. and asked the kids to write each word in the correct column. Afterwards, we checked it together and all I had to do was touch each word on the board and drag it under the column I had drawn. The print off a copy for my IEP students - we are talking FREAKIN' GREAT!!!!
Of course, I still use the overhead sometimes because my staff computer hasn't gotten the software for the scanner installed yet and I'm not re-typing all my stuff. The kids call me "old school" when I use it. Can you imagine? Now where's my chalk....? ;)
Of course, I still use the overhead sometimes because my staff computer hasn't gotten the software for the scanner installed yet and I'm not re-typing all my stuff. The kids call me "old school" when I use it. Can you imagine? Now where's my chalk....? ;)
Saturday, January 26, 2008
new job
I started working this week for the St. Paul school district. I'm enjoying being back in the classroom, but it is very tiring and I miss my kids.
Starting to see some concessions from Rob. He's willing to give me sole religious upbringing responsibility. Still wants to be in on the decisions for education...I'm working on that. Please pray that he'll let that go. Still pray about Ohio, too. I want to move closer to family.
He's experiencing a lot of humilation when it comes to work - he just can't seem to get hired anywhere. And yet he still refuses to acknowledge the spiritual side of it..."God opposes the proud". It makes it harder on me in some ways - I cannot rely on Rob for anything financially and as long as he's not working, he gets the boys on Wednesday's all day. But, it might make it easier for me to go to Ohio if there is nothing holding either of us here and a judge sees he cannot support us if we stay.
While I am finally feeling like I'm getting past the extreme emotional pendulum I've been on, there are times it still seems like a bad dream. But now, not so much a bad dream for me...I simply cannot believe he would choose to do to himself what he is doing. I had more faith in him than that. I knew him as wiser. The people he's cavorting with...what are they searching for? The very things he had. Meaning. Purpose. Love. Family. Friendship. Validation. God. He's thrown away more in 8 months than most people get in their life times. For what? A thrill. A momentary, meaningless, high. That's it.
Ethan started riding the school bus to school last week. He was a bit apprehensive at first, but absolutely loved it! Unfortunately, my camera wouldn't work on that first moment, so I didn't get it recorded. Sigh. I had conferences with his teacher this last week, too. He's doing GREAT in school and the teacher says he's ready to read! He's even doing inventive spelling - where he tries to spell out the word with at least the beginning, middle, and end sounds. He's made such amazing progress this year - and matured a lot. Still need to work on strengthening his hand muscles to improve his writing ability, but that will come.
Noah is getting funnier every day. He is becoming a mimic. And he loves to dance and sing - even make up songs! Now if I could just get him to go on that potty!
Starting to see some concessions from Rob. He's willing to give me sole religious upbringing responsibility. Still wants to be in on the decisions for education...I'm working on that. Please pray that he'll let that go. Still pray about Ohio, too. I want to move closer to family.
He's experiencing a lot of humilation when it comes to work - he just can't seem to get hired anywhere. And yet he still refuses to acknowledge the spiritual side of it..."God opposes the proud". It makes it harder on me in some ways - I cannot rely on Rob for anything financially and as long as he's not working, he gets the boys on Wednesday's all day. But, it might make it easier for me to go to Ohio if there is nothing holding either of us here and a judge sees he cannot support us if we stay.
While I am finally feeling like I'm getting past the extreme emotional pendulum I've been on, there are times it still seems like a bad dream. But now, not so much a bad dream for me...I simply cannot believe he would choose to do to himself what he is doing. I had more faith in him than that. I knew him as wiser. The people he's cavorting with...what are they searching for? The very things he had. Meaning. Purpose. Love. Family. Friendship. Validation. God. He's thrown away more in 8 months than most people get in their life times. For what? A thrill. A momentary, meaningless, high. That's it.
Ethan started riding the school bus to school last week. He was a bit apprehensive at first, but absolutely loved it! Unfortunately, my camera wouldn't work on that first moment, so I didn't get it recorded. Sigh. I had conferences with his teacher this last week, too. He's doing GREAT in school and the teacher says he's ready to read! He's even doing inventive spelling - where he tries to spell out the word with at least the beginning, middle, and end sounds. He's made such amazing progress this year - and matured a lot. Still need to work on strengthening his hand muscles to improve his writing ability, but that will come.
Noah is getting funnier every day. He is becoming a mimic. And he loves to dance and sing - even make up songs! Now if I could just get him to go on that potty!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
A Quick "Ethanism"
I just have to share this. We went to see "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" today and of course Ethan came home wanting nothing more than to play pirates with me and their new pirate ship play set they got for Christmas. Within minutes, the pirates were joined by Transformers and Lego space ships and were engaged in a desperate game of "steal the treasure". Back and forth we went, foiling one another and taking the treasure back to our secret lairs. One ploy I attempted was to "disguise" my pirate and try to become part of Ethan's crew to steal the treasure back. He told me he already had 4 men and there was no room. So I asked if I could go into his lair to use the bathroom thinking I'd take it that way. He exclaims he doesn't have a bathroom - it's just a cave. So I ask if I could have a drink...where does he keep the root beer? "Well, we don't really have any furniture or a refrigerator or nothing yet. We ordered it all on line on our computer, but it hasn't been delivered yet."
No bathroom or fridge, but apparently WIFI has now become a part of pirate lore and a staple amenity in caves world-wide. ;)
No bathroom or fridge, but apparently WIFI has now become a part of pirate lore and a staple amenity in caves world-wide. ;)
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Today I learned
to appreciate the ringing ears that comes from the laughter and screams of 2 brothers playing and becoming friends. What a lovely sound! Honestly - I had to make a decision to appreciate it mind you, because at first it was irritating. But the more I thought about what that sound meant, the more thankful I became for my ringing ears.
Course, this DOES mean that I fully expect some compensation from both of them when I'm old and feeble and need hearing aids... :)
I'm also learning that other stuff really doesn't get done any slower if I take a break and play more. I think I was a bit more productive today in every area. That is a very good thing. We played Topple, Hi-Ho Cherry-O!, built a race track, made a blanket fort, and built a railway and played trains. And I still managed to do some dishes, laundry, take down all the Christmas decor AND put it back in the garage, shovel, make a quick trip to the grocery store, "cook" 3 meals (one was PB&J but still homemade!) give baths, talk to my mom on the phone for over an hour, check e-mail, take care of some business AND have a bit of worship and prayer time today! Phew! Who knew?
I think this is the "Fly System" (Flylady.com) kicking back in. I must be getting better! :)
Tonight I will reward myself with a candle-lit movie night. Maybe even a bubbly bath. AHHHHH...
Oh, tomorrow I get to sing on the worship team - last minute call around 8:30 tonight. I also may be singing the National Anthem at a few U of M Gopher Hockey games coming up! I'm excited! I will keep you posted.
One more quick praise - God worked out my child care so unbelievably. I knew He would, but this is even better than I thought. Not only is the woman a Christian and someone I know, but she lives in the district of my son's school, and he will get to ride the school bus to his school. He is sooooo excited! It also means I don't have to pay the extra for the before school care and drop him off and hour and 15 minutes before his school even starts...he didn't like it too much - it was boring for him and made him very tired by the end of the day. The provider will also take him to school and pick him up on days the bus doesn't run. So now, I have ONE location to take BOTH my boys and it's right on my way to work and I don't have to worry about Ethan's transportation to and from school, the mornings will be a bit more leisurely and a bit later and they won't have to eat cereal bars in the car every morning!
OK - gonna go have my "me" time now.
Course, this DOES mean that I fully expect some compensation from both of them when I'm old and feeble and need hearing aids... :)
I'm also learning that other stuff really doesn't get done any slower if I take a break and play more. I think I was a bit more productive today in every area. That is a very good thing. We played Topple, Hi-Ho Cherry-O!, built a race track, made a blanket fort, and built a railway and played trains. And I still managed to do some dishes, laundry, take down all the Christmas decor AND put it back in the garage, shovel, make a quick trip to the grocery store, "cook" 3 meals (one was PB&J but still homemade!) give baths, talk to my mom on the phone for over an hour, check e-mail, take care of some business AND have a bit of worship and prayer time today! Phew! Who knew?
I think this is the "Fly System" (Flylady.com) kicking back in. I must be getting better! :)
Tonight I will reward myself with a candle-lit movie night. Maybe even a bubbly bath. AHHHHH...
Oh, tomorrow I get to sing on the worship team - last minute call around 8:30 tonight. I also may be singing the National Anthem at a few U of M Gopher Hockey games coming up! I'm excited! I will keep you posted.
One more quick praise - God worked out my child care so unbelievably. I knew He would, but this is even better than I thought. Not only is the woman a Christian and someone I know, but she lives in the district of my son's school, and he will get to ride the school bus to his school. He is sooooo excited! It also means I don't have to pay the extra for the before school care and drop him off and hour and 15 minutes before his school even starts...he didn't like it too much - it was boring for him and made him very tired by the end of the day. The provider will also take him to school and pick him up on days the bus doesn't run. So now, I have ONE location to take BOTH my boys and it's right on my way to work and I don't have to worry about Ethan's transportation to and from school, the mornings will be a bit more leisurely and a bit later and they won't have to eat cereal bars in the car every morning!
OK - gonna go have my "me" time now.
Friday, January 11, 2008
The good news is...
that right feelings do indeed follow right choices, right attitudes, right "confessions"- eventually. I feel a tide turning in my heart, mind and spirit of late. And I want to give glory to God for his patience, gentleness, and unwavering faithfulness. As well as his forgiveness and grace.
You know, sometimes there just isn't a perfect choice or even a good choice. All you can do is make the best choice you know to make given the information you have at the time, or your ability to understand and process that information. Most of the time, we end up having to go back and clean up a mess we've made along the way. And that is grace. That is mercy.
I fully accept that I've been foolish, selfish, prideful, harsh, angry, bitter, vengeful, and a lot more during these last 7 months. Isn't it wonderful to know that Love is patient and never gives up? It endures all things and hopes all things. God's love for us is amazingly gracious and unconditional. Sometimes we need a push from behind, but other times we need gentle nudges and allowance to run back into His lap a bit when we should be a few steps farther. That's OK. He knows what we need and when we need it. He is, after all, our Man of Sorrows, acquainted with our grief.
A friend of mind wrote me today: " Wonder what God thinks as he sees us clinging to our tattered and torn earthly blankies (physical and emotional) when we could exchange them for glory like we've never seen? " So well spoken. A Rich Mullins song concurs: "I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want than take what You give that I need." But just like that child, sometimes it takes a while to be able to put down that blankie - it's so familiar and comfortable. And growth never is. Neither is death. But I am learning to embrace the pain and die to self. And I eagerly look for the "hope of Glory" that awaits me.
Here is something funny for you - God's Word and ways really are true. Imaging that! The more I am weak, the more I find strength in Him. The more I surrender, the more I am free. The more I die, the more I live. The more I let go, the more I gain. Oh the beautiful paradox that is the Christian life!
Today I realized...I trust Him. I REALLY trust Him. I thought I trusted before, but that was a shadow. Today I can say that even though the desert is hot, dry, painful and in no ways fun, I never want to go back to Egypt.
Tomorrow may be another story...that's why I'm journaling today. The Israelites marked important events and places to remember. This is my mark. I know the enemy will not find this amusing in any way so I must brace for the next round. But I will fight...and when there is no more fight in me, I will STAND and see the Salvation of my Redeemer. The battle is the Lord's. I'm FINALLY getting that. And it is making ALL the difference. What a shame that I was raised in a charismatic faith and I'm JUST NOW understanding and really learning spiritual warfare. Guess that's a skill you can't learn until you really need it.
When this is all over, I gotta write a book or something.
You know, sometimes there just isn't a perfect choice or even a good choice. All you can do is make the best choice you know to make given the information you have at the time, or your ability to understand and process that information. Most of the time, we end up having to go back and clean up a mess we've made along the way. And that is grace. That is mercy.
I fully accept that I've been foolish, selfish, prideful, harsh, angry, bitter, vengeful, and a lot more during these last 7 months. Isn't it wonderful to know that Love is patient and never gives up? It endures all things and hopes all things. God's love for us is amazingly gracious and unconditional. Sometimes we need a push from behind, but other times we need gentle nudges and allowance to run back into His lap a bit when we should be a few steps farther. That's OK. He knows what we need and when we need it. He is, after all, our Man of Sorrows, acquainted with our grief.
A friend of mind wrote me today: " Wonder what God thinks as he sees us clinging to our tattered and torn earthly blankies (physical and emotional) when we could exchange them for glory like we've never seen? " So well spoken. A Rich Mullins song concurs: "I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want than take what You give that I need." But just like that child, sometimes it takes a while to be able to put down that blankie - it's so familiar and comfortable. And growth never is. Neither is death. But I am learning to embrace the pain and die to self. And I eagerly look for the "hope of Glory" that awaits me.
Here is something funny for you - God's Word and ways really are true. Imaging that! The more I am weak, the more I find strength in Him. The more I surrender, the more I am free. The more I die, the more I live. The more I let go, the more I gain. Oh the beautiful paradox that is the Christian life!
Today I realized...I trust Him. I REALLY trust Him. I thought I trusted before, but that was a shadow. Today I can say that even though the desert is hot, dry, painful and in no ways fun, I never want to go back to Egypt.
Tomorrow may be another story...that's why I'm journaling today. The Israelites marked important events and places to remember. This is my mark. I know the enemy will not find this amusing in any way so I must brace for the next round. But I will fight...and when there is no more fight in me, I will STAND and see the Salvation of my Redeemer. The battle is the Lord's. I'm FINALLY getting that. And it is making ALL the difference. What a shame that I was raised in a charismatic faith and I'm JUST NOW understanding and really learning spiritual warfare. Guess that's a skill you can't learn until you really need it.
When this is all over, I gotta write a book or something.
Boys
I remember when the idea of movie night was an artsy film, a good drama, a psychological thriller, a sci. fi or fantasy film, or a romantic comedy. Tonight's feature: Hot Wheels. The World Race.
'Course, mommy has hers for later. Something a bit more sophisticated. Like Spiderman 3. ;)
I'm all for a good action flick, but I have a feeling that it's going to be a while before I can expand the genera preference of my boys. It honestly reminded me of an MST3K we watched. One about Hercules. No lie - about 20 minutes of this movie was Hercules and some of his buddies climbing around on this mountain during a sand storm or something. The bots finally ran out of things to say, so it just became "yep. rock climbing. More rock climbing". They were weeping to make it stop. I didn't get that bad, but by the end of this movie I was saying "yep. more racing. more crashing. Oh, look, now they are racing in snow instead of sand. That crash had 4 cars instead of 2..." you get the picture.
But I dutifully sat there exclaiming with excitement how ultimately cool and wicked it all was.
Bonding with boys is easy. ;)
Gasp! I just realized...I'm gonna have to start liking NASCAR and sports, aren't I?
'Course, mommy has hers for later. Something a bit more sophisticated. Like Spiderman 3. ;)
I'm all for a good action flick, but I have a feeling that it's going to be a while before I can expand the genera preference of my boys. It honestly reminded me of an MST3K we watched. One about Hercules. No lie - about 20 minutes of this movie was Hercules and some of his buddies climbing around on this mountain during a sand storm or something. The bots finally ran out of things to say, so it just became "yep. rock climbing. More rock climbing". They were weeping to make it stop. I didn't get that bad, but by the end of this movie I was saying "yep. more racing. more crashing. Oh, look, now they are racing in snow instead of sand. That crash had 4 cars instead of 2..." you get the picture.
But I dutifully sat there exclaiming with excitement how ultimately cool and wicked it all was.
Bonding with boys is easy. ;)
Gasp! I just realized...I'm gonna have to start liking NASCAR and sports, aren't I?
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Less Like Scars reprise
A few months ago, I let our pastor and music minister know that when the time was right, I'd like to share a testimony with the wonderful people of RLC that has rallied and supported me since June and sing that song "Less Like Scars" (I posted the lyrics last month - Sara Groves). I figured it would be a while before I could, but wanted them to keep it in mind.
God has done such miraculous things in my heart as I've learned to abandon myself to Him. I have a long way to go, but Pastor Pete asked if I was ready and willing to share as part of his Christmas series. He has been preaching on how God uses unexpected people and circumstances to bring about His plan sometimes. I know in the Word how it says we overcome by the power of the blood and the word of our testimony, so by faith, I decided to go ahead and share of the work He has done, is doing, and I trust He will do - even though it's not all done yet. So right before Christmas, I took the plunge.
I have received such positive feedback from people present to hear my story and my song - it's encouraging to know that good can come of this - God can use this to His glory even though the circumstances themselves are far from glorious. Just like Joseph. Nothing glorious about being sold into slavery by your own brothers, then being falsely accused of a crime and having your name smeared, then helping someone only to be forgotten about. BUT...in the end, he helped save the very family who had betrayed him, and kept an entire nation from starving to death. And he was a better man for having gone through the trials than he would have been otherwise (I think before he may have been a little bratty - wearing that coat around all day and flaunting it to his brothers. No wonder they were jealous! :)) Anyway, the response I've gotten reminded me of a promise that God gave Rob years ago, when we were in the beginnings of his addiction...God told him he would use our trials to save other people's marriages. Now, please don't misunderstand. I firmly believe that God wanted Rob to seek and receive deliverance, our marriage to be completely restored and healed, and then our story to be the catalyst to save those on the brink. However, just like it was God's original plan to walk with man in the garden, man had a different idea. MY man had a different idea. That doesn't mean God's ultimate plan cannot happen - just that we have to take a different route to get there. God IS using and I believe WILL use my story to help others. I'M not the one who veered from the path - Rob is. I'm sorry he will not be around to share in the miraculous, but I'm going forward with my original plan: to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to serve Him by loving my neighbor as myself. And telling of His wonders to anyone and everyone who will listen to me. And letting Him use my life however He can and will to speak life to others. I hate that the way God will fulfill His promise is to use Rob as an object lesson - a warning sign so to speak. But if Rob chose to not cooperate with God's plan as God intended it, then Rob will have to be the one to adjust - not God, not myself, not my children, not our friends and family.
There are still days that the pain and hurt look MORE like scars than anything. That I feel like a victim over and over again and I see how my children are being victimized by Rob's inconsistency and instability (as I e-mailed some of you about the recent incident with Ethan). But the fact that there are days that the pain and hurt looks LESS like scars - well, that's the glory. That's the mercy. That's Jehovah my healer, my defender, my strong tower. That's when I feel bold in my spirit. When I can agree with my Savior and say "ENOUGH! I will NOT be a victim nor will I let my children be victims!" As a fellow sister who went through a similar journey 3 years ago told me - we are VICTORS not VICTIMS.
Because I am in Christ, I am secure. My future is secure. My life is secure. My family is secure. My hope is secure. I am on the Rock... and though it may feel shaky, nonetheless it's still solid. Rob is in the miry clay - the quicksand - the pit. There is no security in the pit. The saddest part about that is he doesn't have to be. He wasn't there to begin with - he looked around and jumped right into it all by himself. And he LIKES it down there. Guess you would have to to stay in it. The prodigal found something appealing about eating pig slop.
I still have a lot of questions regarding doctrine and theology I've grown up with and how to frame all of this. But I'm starting to be OK with the fact that I may never have all the answers - because there simply are no answers to some aspects...at least no logical or sane ones. But I will keep peeling back the layers of my thinking and my heart and looking for the wrong judgements and roots that are there and keep seeking THE ANSWER for my answers. And keep working on framing it all through Jesus - who knows exactly how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned by a close friend when you've done nothing to deserve it or cause it. He knows what it's like to have your good repaid you with evil. He knows what it's like to wrestle with this heart and body of dirt...and STILL overcome. And because I am His, so can I.
God has done such miraculous things in my heart as I've learned to abandon myself to Him. I have a long way to go, but Pastor Pete asked if I was ready and willing to share as part of his Christmas series. He has been preaching on how God uses unexpected people and circumstances to bring about His plan sometimes. I know in the Word how it says we overcome by the power of the blood and the word of our testimony, so by faith, I decided to go ahead and share of the work He has done, is doing, and I trust He will do - even though it's not all done yet. So right before Christmas, I took the plunge.
I have received such positive feedback from people present to hear my story and my song - it's encouraging to know that good can come of this - God can use this to His glory even though the circumstances themselves are far from glorious. Just like Joseph. Nothing glorious about being sold into slavery by your own brothers, then being falsely accused of a crime and having your name smeared, then helping someone only to be forgotten about. BUT...in the end, he helped save the very family who had betrayed him, and kept an entire nation from starving to death. And he was a better man for having gone through the trials than he would have been otherwise (I think before he may have been a little bratty - wearing that coat around all day and flaunting it to his brothers. No wonder they were jealous! :)) Anyway, the response I've gotten reminded me of a promise that God gave Rob years ago, when we were in the beginnings of his addiction...God told him he would use our trials to save other people's marriages. Now, please don't misunderstand. I firmly believe that God wanted Rob to seek and receive deliverance, our marriage to be completely restored and healed, and then our story to be the catalyst to save those on the brink. However, just like it was God's original plan to walk with man in the garden, man had a different idea. MY man had a different idea. That doesn't mean God's ultimate plan cannot happen - just that we have to take a different route to get there. God IS using and I believe WILL use my story to help others. I'M not the one who veered from the path - Rob is. I'm sorry he will not be around to share in the miraculous, but I'm going forward with my original plan: to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to serve Him by loving my neighbor as myself. And telling of His wonders to anyone and everyone who will listen to me. And letting Him use my life however He can and will to speak life to others. I hate that the way God will fulfill His promise is to use Rob as an object lesson - a warning sign so to speak. But if Rob chose to not cooperate with God's plan as God intended it, then Rob will have to be the one to adjust - not God, not myself, not my children, not our friends and family.
There are still days that the pain and hurt look MORE like scars than anything. That I feel like a victim over and over again and I see how my children are being victimized by Rob's inconsistency and instability (as I e-mailed some of you about the recent incident with Ethan). But the fact that there are days that the pain and hurt looks LESS like scars - well, that's the glory. That's the mercy. That's Jehovah my healer, my defender, my strong tower. That's when I feel bold in my spirit. When I can agree with my Savior and say "ENOUGH! I will NOT be a victim nor will I let my children be victims!" As a fellow sister who went through a similar journey 3 years ago told me - we are VICTORS not VICTIMS.
Because I am in Christ, I am secure. My future is secure. My life is secure. My family is secure. My hope is secure. I am on the Rock... and though it may feel shaky, nonetheless it's still solid. Rob is in the miry clay - the quicksand - the pit. There is no security in the pit. The saddest part about that is he doesn't have to be. He wasn't there to begin with - he looked around and jumped right into it all by himself. And he LIKES it down there. Guess you would have to to stay in it. The prodigal found something appealing about eating pig slop.
I still have a lot of questions regarding doctrine and theology I've grown up with and how to frame all of this. But I'm starting to be OK with the fact that I may never have all the answers - because there simply are no answers to some aspects...at least no logical or sane ones. But I will keep peeling back the layers of my thinking and my heart and looking for the wrong judgements and roots that are there and keep seeking THE ANSWER for my answers. And keep working on framing it all through Jesus - who knows exactly how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned by a close friend when you've done nothing to deserve it or cause it. He knows what it's like to have your good repaid you with evil. He knows what it's like to wrestle with this heart and body of dirt...and STILL overcome. And because I am His, so can I.
Greetings from my family to yours!
We hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and are looking forward to 2008. May those of you who know Christ, know Him deeper and more intimately than ever. May those of you who do not know Him, come to know Him.May the Lord bless and keep you, make His face shine upon you, be gracious to you and give you peace.
PS - don't I have me some handsome boys? :)
PPS - Today, Ethan asked me if superheros were once real like dinosaurs and just went extinct. Where does he come up with this stuff? He's a little obsessed right now with learning the background, theme song, and secret identity of EVERY SUPER HERO ever. I realized there are very few that I know the hows and whys of their powers. Guess it's time for a Google search or a long chat with my comic-nerd friends (said with all love and admiration. After all, one man's 'nerd' is another man's 'cool' - believe me. I know! :) Drama club, swing choir, sci fi...)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Festival of Lights
I got to treat my boys to a childhood tradition of mine - going to the Cincy Zoo for the Festival of Lights! It was bigger than I remember it, which is odd - usually things you revisit as an adult seem smaller than you remember them as a child. The boys had a blast with all their cousins, aunts, and uncles and of course mamaw and papaw. We enjoyed seeing the animals, the beautiful light displays, pop corn and hot chocolate. And mommy enjoyed not freezing her tuckus off like I would be if I were in MN! :)
It's especially nice feeling a part of something bigger - not just me and the boys. And having help in keeping up with them and getting them ready to go places, etc. And even having someone to help in the middle of the night with the terrors, coughing, fevers and so on. I love these boys and would do anything and sacrifice everything for them, but being a single parent is hard work and having help makes a big difference to them and me. Having other people besides mommy to see the cool stuff, hear the secrets, laugh at the jokes, watch your trick, attend to your needs - that's important.
They also love having so many men around to affirm and validate them. Yes, they have that in many friends and brothers in our church, but I can see a difference in them having it daily through grandpa, uncle Brandon, cousin Tom, etc. Why papaw even showed them how to shave this week. Ethan thinks he's something else now! I already call him "the man of the house" and that makes him feel really special. But being "let in" on such a manly ritual and rite of passage...now he's feeling very grown up. He has a Transformers shaving kit and couldn't wait to show me how he shaves when I bathed him. So cute. So precious. And he's growing up so fast. I don't want to miss a moment.
But I keep trying to remind them as I tuck them in, pray over them, and bless them - Jesus is really all they need. Not mommy, grandpa and grandma, cousins - just Jesus. I remind them to tell Him everything...how they feel, what they are thinking about, even questions they have or jokes they want to share. This is the same lesson mommy is having to learn, too. I never intended for my boys to learn so early that life is cruel and unfair - because of sin and the nature of man's heart, but here we are learning it way before I felt they were ready. And not through a stranger, but through someone they love. But it certainly is a great way to illustrate that man will always fail - but God never will. NEVER.
New Year's is coming up. New beginnings. New adventures. New changes. I wonder where our journey will take us in 2008? I am confident that as long as I hold to the hand of God, and follow His steps, that it will be OK. Safe? Happy? Perfect? Probably not. But that's the adventure. It will be exciting, risky, joyous and perfecting. For me and the boys. As for me and my household...we will serve the Lord-and EXPECT the wonder that can only come from a life abandoned and submitted to Christ. As I heard in a recent sermon- Christians were never meant to be ordinary, "normal", status-quo kind of people. We are BARBARIANS. We go against the flow. We buck the system. We are risk-takers. We seem foolish to the world. Reckless Abandon to the One who gives Reckless Mercy. As I journey, I'm noticing that the path isn't getting easier, but it IS getting clearer. Everyday, every moment there is a choice to be made. Death or life? Rebellion or obedience? Curses or blessing? And though the world tries it's best to make the choices seem gray and muddled, the closer I draw to Him, the more distinct the choices are.
This year, when the clock strikes midnight, I will kiss TWO "men" and spend the evening in the arms of the lover of my soul. Because I have a choice - I choose life. I choose hope. I choose Christ.
It's especially nice feeling a part of something bigger - not just me and the boys. And having help in keeping up with them and getting them ready to go places, etc. And even having someone to help in the middle of the night with the terrors, coughing, fevers and so on. I love these boys and would do anything and sacrifice everything for them, but being a single parent is hard work and having help makes a big difference to them and me. Having other people besides mommy to see the cool stuff, hear the secrets, laugh at the jokes, watch your trick, attend to your needs - that's important.
They also love having so many men around to affirm and validate them. Yes, they have that in many friends and brothers in our church, but I can see a difference in them having it daily through grandpa, uncle Brandon, cousin Tom, etc. Why papaw even showed them how to shave this week. Ethan thinks he's something else now! I already call him "the man of the house" and that makes him feel really special. But being "let in" on such a manly ritual and rite of passage...now he's feeling very grown up. He has a Transformers shaving kit and couldn't wait to show me how he shaves when I bathed him. So cute. So precious. And he's growing up so fast. I don't want to miss a moment.
But I keep trying to remind them as I tuck them in, pray over them, and bless them - Jesus is really all they need. Not mommy, grandpa and grandma, cousins - just Jesus. I remind them to tell Him everything...how they feel, what they are thinking about, even questions they have or jokes they want to share. This is the same lesson mommy is having to learn, too. I never intended for my boys to learn so early that life is cruel and unfair - because of sin and the nature of man's heart, but here we are learning it way before I felt they were ready. And not through a stranger, but through someone they love. But it certainly is a great way to illustrate that man will always fail - but God never will. NEVER.
New Year's is coming up. New beginnings. New adventures. New changes. I wonder where our journey will take us in 2008? I am confident that as long as I hold to the hand of God, and follow His steps, that it will be OK. Safe? Happy? Perfect? Probably not. But that's the adventure. It will be exciting, risky, joyous and perfecting. For me and the boys. As for me and my household...we will serve the Lord-and EXPECT the wonder that can only come from a life abandoned and submitted to Christ. As I heard in a recent sermon- Christians were never meant to be ordinary, "normal", status-quo kind of people. We are BARBARIANS. We go against the flow. We buck the system. We are risk-takers. We seem foolish to the world. Reckless Abandon to the One who gives Reckless Mercy. As I journey, I'm noticing that the path isn't getting easier, but it IS getting clearer. Everyday, every moment there is a choice to be made. Death or life? Rebellion or obedience? Curses or blessing? And though the world tries it's best to make the choices seem gray and muddled, the closer I draw to Him, the more distinct the choices are.
This year, when the clock strikes midnight, I will kiss TWO "men" and spend the evening in the arms of the lover of my soul. Because I have a choice - I choose life. I choose hope. I choose Christ.
Lunch at good 'ol LaRosa's pizzeria
Thanks to Mare for the pics. I'll be downloading all the ones I took once I'm home in MN. These were some of my drama/Choralier friends from FHS. Several of us met for lunch on Wednesday...
...and as usual, Noah ended up wearing a spaghetti beard.
...and as usual, Noah ended up wearing a spaghetti beard.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Just wanted to wish everyone a very Christ-filled Christmas and a wonderful 2008! We are having a great time with family in Ohio. It's been really good to be with people who love you. We have been blessed abundantly by family, friends, and people who don't even know us. I am once again, amazed by God and his abundant, perfect and unconditional love for me and my children.
I had the great privilege to catch up with some old high school drama/Choralier buddies of mine at a Christmas party on Sunday! Thanks to the efforts of Dave P. who started a reunion site, many of us have become re-acquainted and was in town for the holidays. So one of the gals hosted a little get together for us. It was fun to catch up and amazing to see where we all have been, are, and are going - and what many have become. We have doctors, lawyers, actors, musicians, teachers, nurses, business masterminds, top secret government IT guys... you name it and someone in this group does it. I get to have lunch with a few of them tomorrow before we all start scattering the country once again. So here is a shout-out to my FHS peeps (that just sounds so pathetic coming from a 36 year old mother, huh?) :) We missed those of you who could not make it (especially Tom who was supposed to stay at my Grandma's house but who wimped out last minute because of weather. You owe me a reunion, dude. :) )
I will post pics as soon as I get back to MN. Don't worry Chris...I will protect your identity and not post any pics of you on my site. ;)
I had the great privilege to catch up with some old high school drama/Choralier buddies of mine at a Christmas party on Sunday! Thanks to the efforts of Dave P. who started a reunion site, many of us have become re-acquainted and was in town for the holidays. So one of the gals hosted a little get together for us. It was fun to catch up and amazing to see where we all have been, are, and are going - and what many have become. We have doctors, lawyers, actors, musicians, teachers, nurses, business masterminds, top secret government IT guys... you name it and someone in this group does it. I get to have lunch with a few of them tomorrow before we all start scattering the country once again. So here is a shout-out to my FHS peeps (that just sounds so pathetic coming from a 36 year old mother, huh?) :) We missed those of you who could not make it (especially Tom who was supposed to stay at my Grandma's house but who wimped out last minute because of weather. You owe me a reunion, dude. :) )
I will post pics as soon as I get back to MN. Don't worry Chris...I will protect your identity and not post any pics of you on my site. ;)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Christmas '07
Being that this is our first Christmas without daddy, I was afraid I would have a hard time making it special, let alone providing gifts given the current financial situation with the pending divorce. However, once again, God's love and grace has been poured out pressed down, shaken together, and running over! The Body of Christ has responded as His hands and feet, and my boys are enjoying one of the best Christmas' they've ever had, apart from the relational aspect of not having their father be a part of it. Grace is covering them in that area, however, as they are young enough that it's not effecting them too much.
My concern now is to make sure this 1)does not set a precedent for future years - I could not afford it! and 2)that I'm able to get the true Christmas message through all the "gettin'". I plan to have them pick out at least one new toy they recieved to give away. We sat and talked about Christmas being when God GAVE us something precious without asking anything in return from us - we had nothing to give. And talked about how people and helping/giving is better than what we get. Then we talked about how it would be better to get zero presents, but have daddy come back to the Lord and be at home because Jesus still loves him and misses him just like we do. We said a prayer of thankfulness for Emmanuel, for God's love and blessings being bestowed upon us through His followers, and for Rob. Then they tore in....
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
A little visit from sunny SC...
Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk came for a visit last week and had an early Christmas with the boys. It was bittersweet to spend time with them, especially with Rob's absence. But they are my family and have been for half of my life. And no divorce decree will change that. Please lift them up in your prayers. They are just as heart broken and confounded as the rest of us who love Rob.
Ethan got "Optimus Prime" for Christmas. He has slept with this thing every night since! :)
Ethan got "Optimus Prime" for Christmas. He has slept with this thing every night since! :)Took us a full hour just to figure out how to "transform" it between a truck and robot. The pictures in the instructions are rather worthless.
Noah was completely mesmerized by the kaleidoscope. It makes me smile when the simplest toys bring the most wonder. Who needs batteries or flashing lights?
Ethan and Noah have begun a "I want to sleep in bubby's bed" phase...at least a couple of times a week. I figure it won't last long, so why not. They think they are having a "sleep over". It's sweet.
The boys always appreciate time to wrestle and tickle with Grandpa!
Ethan was quite proud of his "Gingerbread" House and wanted us to snap some pics of the finished project. What have I learned about my son by doing this project with him? That he did not get my sense of orderliness and spacial balance. He just haphazardly threw candy all over it. I've had to learn to let some things go... :) Of course, you can probably pick out my contribution right away - the straight row of alternating striped chocolate chips on the roof. Yep. Balanced and orderly. I don't do abstract well.
Ethan was proud to show off his school work.
Noah has discovered the world of telecommunication. There is nothing he loves better than a phone. He and Ethan will play talking on the phone for very long periods of time.
You may think this is just Grandpa enjoying some cuddle time. Personally, I think he got down to change a diaper and just couldn't get back up again. ;)
Noah was completely mesmerized by the kaleidoscope. It makes me smile when the simplest toys bring the most wonder. Who needs batteries or flashing lights?
Ethan and Noah have begun a "I want to sleep in bubby's bed" phase...at least a couple of times a week. I figure it won't last long, so why not. They think they are having a "sleep over". It's sweet.
The boys always appreciate time to wrestle and tickle with Grandpa!
Ethan was quite proud of his "Gingerbread" House and wanted us to snap some pics of the finished project. What have I learned about my son by doing this project with him? That he did not get my sense of orderliness and spacial balance. He just haphazardly threw candy all over it. I've had to learn to let some things go... :) Of course, you can probably pick out my contribution right away - the straight row of alternating striped chocolate chips on the roof. Yep. Balanced and orderly. I don't do abstract well.
Ethan was proud to show off his school work.
Noah has discovered the world of telecommunication. There is nothing he loves better than a phone. He and Ethan will play talking on the phone for very long periods of time.
You may think this is just Grandpa enjoying some cuddle time. Personally, I think he got down to change a diaper and just couldn't get back up again. ;)
Monday, December 17, 2007
overlooked fall fun...
Boy, as I emptied out my camera, I realized just how long it's been since I downloaded any of the pics I had taken. So here is a flashback to our time this past fall. We had some beautiful colors here in MN and great weather! This was one of the most colorful trees I've ever seen - and it took it a long time (by MN standards) to finally fade and loose it's leaves. We really enjoyed the show!
This year we tried a different apple orchard and went with our good friends from church - the Forbes Family. We had a blast. Their oldest, Jaben, is one of Ethan's buddies from Sunday School. Pictured is Ethan and Noah, and Jaben and Myla Forbes.
The boys just hanging out and being silly. Myla had given up on them at this point and moved on to more interesting things... :)
This year for Fall Festival, Ethan wanted to be a Power Ranger. Why? I have NO idea - he's never seen one that I'm aware of. Nor does he possess any secret powers of own weird weaponry or communicative device, so I'm pretty sure he isn't one himself. I honestly don't know how he even knew what a power ranger is! Noah is a "fire dog".
Saturday, December 15, 2007
"Gingerbread" houses
Here is Ethan and mommy working together to make our very first "Gingerbread" house. Ethan's teacher had the great idea of hot gluing the graham crackers to 2 pint cartons of milk. All we had to do is slather on the frosting and garnish with the candy! Ethan used a chocolate bar for his chimney.
Afterwards, we played tinker toys for a while. Ethan built robots. I swear, I was only there for about 15 minutes and he had no less than 4 little girls in his class come by and ask him what he was doing... ;)
Thursday, December 13, 2007
I'm behind
with regards to pictures and updates regarding the kids and such. I will try to catch up in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to helping Ethan build a gingerbread house tomorrow in school! A first for BOTH of us! Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk will be there, too. We are going to have a blast.
You know, having less time with my children sure makes me appreciate the time I do get and makes me think more creative about making it special, and not just popping in a video or something. I realize how much I took for granted being with them all day. I still believe that is the ideal - for kids to be in the presence of a Godly parent MOST of the time, but there is grace to cover my kids. I will not squander any more time with them. Nor will I worry. I am learning to let God be God, and to stop trying to be God for them. After all HE is all they need... and some people and some situations are simply not worth fretting over.
You know, there was a freedom in being childless that I vaguely remember. And single parenthood is even less "freedom" as you are picking up the slack for the other, irresponsible party who does not value the inherit human obligations that come with parenthood and family life. But...to miss out on the smiles, hugs, laughs, horseplay, jokes, silliness, learning moments, discussions of life and faith... I may not be as "free" as I was, but I certainly am living much more than I was. To know that you and you alone can kiss the boo-boo all better, can cuddle the scaries away, can soothe a troubled heart or sick body. To know you helped to give life and have a part in sustaining it. To mold and shape a life and be molded and shaped yourself as well. To know you are the most important person to someone else. To share life, love, dreams, hopes and the future. To live with purpose, destiny, peace, joy....
and NO REGRETS.
THAT is real freedom.
You know, having less time with my children sure makes me appreciate the time I do get and makes me think more creative about making it special, and not just popping in a video or something. I realize how much I took for granted being with them all day. I still believe that is the ideal - for kids to be in the presence of a Godly parent MOST of the time, but there is grace to cover my kids. I will not squander any more time with them. Nor will I worry. I am learning to let God be God, and to stop trying to be God for them. After all HE is all they need... and some people and some situations are simply not worth fretting over.
You know, there was a freedom in being childless that I vaguely remember. And single parenthood is even less "freedom" as you are picking up the slack for the other, irresponsible party who does not value the inherit human obligations that come with parenthood and family life. But...to miss out on the smiles, hugs, laughs, horseplay, jokes, silliness, learning moments, discussions of life and faith... I may not be as "free" as I was, but I certainly am living much more than I was. To know that you and you alone can kiss the boo-boo all better, can cuddle the scaries away, can soothe a troubled heart or sick body. To know you helped to give life and have a part in sustaining it. To mold and shape a life and be molded and shaped yourself as well. To know you are the most important person to someone else. To share life, love, dreams, hopes and the future. To live with purpose, destiny, peace, joy....
and NO REGRETS.
THAT is real freedom.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
White washed tombs
Had an unfortunate glimpse of Rob's new life this week when I had to go check out his apartment before leaving my precious son in his care for an entire day - Ethan had pink eye, I had to work - I really had no other options. I knew it would be emotional...
Rob has surrounded himself with "beautiful" things, even without the income to do so...a new bed, antique desk, nice plants, lamps, decor, new dishes and wine glasses and 2 closets full of clothes and shoes. Yes, you read right. We shared one closet all our married life and now he has enough clothes and shoes to fill 2 all by himself. He keeps scented candles burning and air fresheners going constantly, and while we were there, was in a constant state of agitation as the kids messed up his cushions, spilled a bit on the floor, or got too close to his nice lamp. Obsessive compulsive comes to mind.
Of course it was a stab in my heart again - he loves his new life, his freedom, his "friends" and his stuff. While I am sleep deprived and desperately missing time with my kids as I work at a frantic pace to make income to keep it all together, while I haven't cooked in ages and me and the boys seem to be living off of fast food, while I'm dragging my kids out of bed at 6:30 AM when they are used to sleeping until 9 and hauling them all over the place for someone else to care for them all day, while I am frustrated with celibacy after 17 years of beautiful, meaningful, REGULAR intimacy, while my closet and home is full of thrift store bargains, he is living it up with seemingly no consequences and loving every minute of it feeling absolutley no regret about what it has done or is doing to me, the kids or anyone else.
But as I got home that night and let the tears flow into my Savior's lap, I kept hearing "white washed tombs". God was showing me its just all part of the facade that is his life. Nothing is real. Nothing is true. Even the nice, new things were purchased on credit he cannot afford - they are not his, he is only getting to borrow them for a short while. He is surrounding himself with as much distraction as he can - anything to try to cover up the look, feel, and stench of the spiritual death and rot that is his life. It's just more medication. And like the alcohol and women, it, too will not satisfy or cover up the stench for long. The smell of decomposition has a way of overpowering everything else eventually. The Bible describes this as "white washed tombs - full of dead men's bones". They may look nice on the outside - but they are still just graves filled with corpses.
It was disturbing to see his place and see how he acted in it with the kids there. It hurt, but it also was a very powerful visual reminder that he is not the same person on ANY level - he was always neat, but never obsessed with it. And stuff was not important to him. But now, this is all he has and all he can control, so understandably it has higher priority than his children feeling free to play. It's especially weird to have a visual representation adn object lesson so close to me that illustrates so many things the Word of God says regarding this type of sin.
When I am around him, it's easy to get dragged into his lie. It's so dark, sinister, and thick it consumes all around it. When I'm away, I can see and hear much more clearly and I'm finding it easier to seperate the lies from the truth. I am thankful to God for that progress, for I would never be here without His help, and it gives me hope that the future will not always feel so bleak.
One of the hardest lessons in all of this is that doing the right thing and loving the right way - with your whole heart and and soul - may not be rewarded - at least not down here, and perhaps not by the recepient of that goodness and love. That doesn't mean it wasn't right. And that doesn't mean I should close my heart off to anyone in the future to protect it. It was right to love Rob like I did. I will not become bitter and guarded. I may hate what is happening now, and the pain it causes, but I do not hate loving in such a way that I have this grief and pain. And I plan to love that intensely and completely again...for it is the only real way to love. God did not withhold His best from those He loves - so neither will I. I loved him with my heart, soul and body. Apparently that was too much for him - and he prefers only being "loved" with one out of the 3. That's too bad for him...because that is not love. But I suppose it's all he can fit into his small world.
Funny how we can love something and hate it at the same time...hate the pain, but love the reason for the pain. Hate the tiredness, but love and be thankful for the job that makes you tired. Hate that I'm not eating right, but loving the weight loss. Hating the messy house and car, but loving that I have a reliable car, a warm home, and loving the 2 people that have made the messes in them both.
I'll happily take my thrift store bargains and the real relationships I have with my kids, my family, my dear friends over all brand new stuff and casual, meaningless, and pretend relationships. And I'll take Jesus over all of that if I had to. I am determined and decided to pass the test.
Rob has surrounded himself with "beautiful" things, even without the income to do so...a new bed, antique desk, nice plants, lamps, decor, new dishes and wine glasses and 2 closets full of clothes and shoes. Yes, you read right. We shared one closet all our married life and now he has enough clothes and shoes to fill 2 all by himself. He keeps scented candles burning and air fresheners going constantly, and while we were there, was in a constant state of agitation as the kids messed up his cushions, spilled a bit on the floor, or got too close to his nice lamp. Obsessive compulsive comes to mind.
Of course it was a stab in my heart again - he loves his new life, his freedom, his "friends" and his stuff. While I am sleep deprived and desperately missing time with my kids as I work at a frantic pace to make income to keep it all together, while I haven't cooked in ages and me and the boys seem to be living off of fast food, while I'm dragging my kids out of bed at 6:30 AM when they are used to sleeping until 9 and hauling them all over the place for someone else to care for them all day, while I am frustrated with celibacy after 17 years of beautiful, meaningful, REGULAR intimacy, while my closet and home is full of thrift store bargains, he is living it up with seemingly no consequences and loving every minute of it feeling absolutley no regret about what it has done or is doing to me, the kids or anyone else.
But as I got home that night and let the tears flow into my Savior's lap, I kept hearing "white washed tombs". God was showing me its just all part of the facade that is his life. Nothing is real. Nothing is true. Even the nice, new things were purchased on credit he cannot afford - they are not his, he is only getting to borrow them for a short while. He is surrounding himself with as much distraction as he can - anything to try to cover up the look, feel, and stench of the spiritual death and rot that is his life. It's just more medication. And like the alcohol and women, it, too will not satisfy or cover up the stench for long. The smell of decomposition has a way of overpowering everything else eventually. The Bible describes this as "white washed tombs - full of dead men's bones". They may look nice on the outside - but they are still just graves filled with corpses.
It was disturbing to see his place and see how he acted in it with the kids there. It hurt, but it also was a very powerful visual reminder that he is not the same person on ANY level - he was always neat, but never obsessed with it. And stuff was not important to him. But now, this is all he has and all he can control, so understandably it has higher priority than his children feeling free to play. It's especially weird to have a visual representation adn object lesson so close to me that illustrates so many things the Word of God says regarding this type of sin.
When I am around him, it's easy to get dragged into his lie. It's so dark, sinister, and thick it consumes all around it. When I'm away, I can see and hear much more clearly and I'm finding it easier to seperate the lies from the truth. I am thankful to God for that progress, for I would never be here without His help, and it gives me hope that the future will not always feel so bleak.
One of the hardest lessons in all of this is that doing the right thing and loving the right way - with your whole heart and and soul - may not be rewarded - at least not down here, and perhaps not by the recepient of that goodness and love. That doesn't mean it wasn't right. And that doesn't mean I should close my heart off to anyone in the future to protect it. It was right to love Rob like I did. I will not become bitter and guarded. I may hate what is happening now, and the pain it causes, but I do not hate loving in such a way that I have this grief and pain. And I plan to love that intensely and completely again...for it is the only real way to love. God did not withhold His best from those He loves - so neither will I. I loved him with my heart, soul and body. Apparently that was too much for him - and he prefers only being "loved" with one out of the 3. That's too bad for him...because that is not love. But I suppose it's all he can fit into his small world.
Funny how we can love something and hate it at the same time...hate the pain, but love the reason for the pain. Hate the tiredness, but love and be thankful for the job that makes you tired. Hate that I'm not eating right, but loving the weight loss. Hating the messy house and car, but loving that I have a reliable car, a warm home, and loving the 2 people that have made the messes in them both.
I'll happily take my thrift store bargains and the real relationships I have with my kids, my family, my dear friends over all brand new stuff and casual, meaningless, and pretend relationships. And I'll take Jesus over all of that if I had to. I am determined and decided to pass the test.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Less Like Scars
Here are some more lyrics to share with you all that summarize where I am right now...and it's a very good thing.
Sara Groves \ Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard Healing changes are subtle But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here, and you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars and more like Character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars
Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping You would come
And I need you , And I want you here, And I feel you
And I know you're here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars (x3)
And more like Character
...Amen.
Sara Groves \ Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard Healing changes are subtle But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here, and you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars and more like Character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars
Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping You would come
And I need you , And I want you here, And I feel you
And I know you're here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars (x3)
And more like Character
...Amen.
Ask me about my car...
I'm sorry I have to be so vague right now with everything. I'd love to shout praises from the roof top, but I've learned that I cannot trust a certain person with access to this public forum to not use some information against me in legal proceedings. But if you really want to hear some AMAZING tales regarding the blessings and grace and mercy and love of the Lord towards me in these last 2 weeks, e-mail me a message and I will be happy to give details. After the divorce is final, I will divulge any and all details and share the wonders of my God with all! I can tantilize you with this: you will simply not believe it. I don't. "Above all we can ask or think or measure" as my pastor put it. :)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Impossible?
Here's a deep theological perspective to chew on. I welcome comments.
Heb. 6:4-8
4It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit,5who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age,6if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because[2] to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
7Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.8But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.
I have read this in at least 4 different translations and every one of them says "impossible". Even though "with God, all things are possible". Guess that says a lot about free will, huh? With God, all things may be possible, but with man, there are simply some impossibilities because of man's selfishness, stubbornness, and outright rebellion. May I never subject my beautiful savior to public disgrace or another crucifixion. May my land never get hard from the outpouring of rain and only produce thistles. May I never turn away from the living water of which I have tasted. I am counting the cost and finding nothing more valuable than Christ.
Heb. 6:4-8
4It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit,5who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age,6if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because[2] to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
7Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.8But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.
I have read this in at least 4 different translations and every one of them says "impossible". Even though "with God, all things are possible". Guess that says a lot about free will, huh? With God, all things may be possible, but with man, there are simply some impossibilities because of man's selfishness, stubbornness, and outright rebellion. May I never subject my beautiful savior to public disgrace or another crucifixion. May my land never get hard from the outpouring of rain and only produce thistles. May I never turn away from the living water of which I have tasted. I am counting the cost and finding nothing more valuable than Christ.
new job
God is good and He is taking such good care of me and my boys. And when He chooses to open the storehouses....then look out! I don't want to reveal too much here, but apparently I'm a hot commodity - even being out of the classroom for the last 5 years and even in the middle of the school year when all the jobs are supposedly filled. If you want more details, e-mail me privately.
I had another incident that reminded me of the Israelites wandering the desert - even though they are in a horrible place seemingly aimlessly wandering without food, a home, etc. the Word says that God caused their shoes and clothes to last an unnaturally long time (in addition to providing them food and water). Praise God that He can and does work on so many levels - from causing our material goods to last longer, to providing the means by which to fix or replace them when that time comes - whether through a job or a miracle. Doesn't matter to me - it's all His hand at work! :)
And even on a "fun" note: I have officially dropped 50 lbs. Another testimony to His "levels": although the reason for my weight loss is horrible, at least I'm looking good and feeling really good about myself. It's as if the weight loss helps to counter the reason for the weight loss...if that makes sense. I'm now in a size I was in during my college years - it's been a long time! So despite the ending of one season of my life, I'm getting a new lease as I enter the next one.
Please pray for wisdom and discernment for me with regards to my employment- and that God would work out the child care situation to the best for me and for the boys.
I had another incident that reminded me of the Israelites wandering the desert - even though they are in a horrible place seemingly aimlessly wandering without food, a home, etc. the Word says that God caused their shoes and clothes to last an unnaturally long time (in addition to providing them food and water). Praise God that He can and does work on so many levels - from causing our material goods to last longer, to providing the means by which to fix or replace them when that time comes - whether through a job or a miracle. Doesn't matter to me - it's all His hand at work! :)
And even on a "fun" note: I have officially dropped 50 lbs. Another testimony to His "levels": although the reason for my weight loss is horrible, at least I'm looking good and feeling really good about myself. It's as if the weight loss helps to counter the reason for the weight loss...if that makes sense. I'm now in a size I was in during my college years - it's been a long time! So despite the ending of one season of my life, I'm getting a new lease as I enter the next one.
Please pray for wisdom and discernment for me with regards to my employment- and that God would work out the child care situation to the best for me and for the boys.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
validation
I know the source of my pain and my rollercoaster - I just don't know how to turn it off, you know? My problem is that I'm still viewing this hateful, cruel man as my husband and best friend and seeking validation of our relationship, our marriage, of my role as his friend and wife. Now I know full well he is NOT going to give it to me, nor could he even if he wanted to. But something in me fears that if he doesn't validate it, if he doesn't recognize it as true, then somehow that makes it invalidated and untrue. When, in reality, truth doesn't change and hasn't changed - Rob has. So therefore his opinion is moot. He has no credibility to validate anything. He has believed and continues to believe lies and deception, to the point that reality has become something else to him. Our history, my role, my importance, our relationship - he is not viewing any of it through the eyes of truth, therefore he has reframed it all and rewritten history. Just because someone doesn't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen or happened differently.
My husband and best friend is dead. This new person should mean nothing to me. How do I get there?
My husband and best friend is dead. This new person should mean nothing to me. How do I get there?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I KNOW IN WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED...
My God is real of that I have no doubt. I feel I am only starting to awaken to the love my Savior has for me. Only just now starting to scratch the surface of how high and how wide and how deep and how long is the love of Christ and to KNOW this love that surpasses ALL understanding! I wish, oh, I wish I could spill my guts and tell you all of specific ways he has revealed himself to me over the past month. To tell you all of the things he has spoken to my heart. But, alas - it would not be wise nor prudent given my current pending legal action. Oh, and because the devil might read this and learn what's going on. :) (that was a little inside humor for all my fellow pentecostals - especially you Lee alumni). I was asked this week by someone if I want to live in a place where I have to rely on miracles all the time? You know, maybe I would. I have never known such freedom! Granted, I'm not walking in the freedom like I should - constantly, unwaveringly, not doubting. I still find myself wringing my hands from time to time or projecting situations or circumstances that may never be. But ultimately I keep making my way back, even through the muck and mire, to the place of rest, peace, security. Under His wings. And I am learning to trust like never before. But where it seemed to be getting harder to trust for a while there, He has so proven Himself faithful and true, over and over, that it's actually getting EASIER to trust now. I'm sorry I could not trust without the proof, but such is the human heart, eh? Has my circumstance changed? Yes - it seems to be getting worse. But my peace is growing. My security is growing. My faith is growing. And my love for God is growing. And my realization of His love for me is growing. My anxiety, doubt, fear, grief and sorrow are all waning. I do not make any apologies for how long it has taken me to grieve this, nor how much longer it might take. For I am more certain than ever that when I am done, it will be complete. There will be closure. It will be finished.
If any of you would like more specific testimony, feel free to e-mail me and I will share details in a less public forum. But let me just say... TO GOD BE THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE.
I do hope there are many of you who are still praying for Rob. He needs it really bad. Allow the Lord to lead you how to pray - because I often don't know myself. I can tell you his heart and his mind has never been more bitter, hard, cold...nor has he ever been so far away. He is utterly consumed and I truly shudder to think what awaits him in this life and beyond.
If any of you would like more specific testimony, feel free to e-mail me and I will share details in a less public forum. But let me just say... TO GOD BE THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE.
I do hope there are many of you who are still praying for Rob. He needs it really bad. Allow the Lord to lead you how to pray - because I often don't know myself. I can tell you his heart and his mind has never been more bitter, hard, cold...nor has he ever been so far away. He is utterly consumed and I truly shudder to think what awaits him in this life and beyond.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Rollercoasters
I'm so tired of the emotional rollercoaster I'm on. I'll be doing great and BAM he'll do or say something to plunge the knife in yet again and send me backwards. It's hard to describe exactly who he has become. Needless to say, one of the most painful parts is knowing how much time, effort, love and passion I poured into this man for 17 years....and he doesn't even seem to miss me.
It makes it very difficult to hold on to the understanding that it's not personal - because it FEELS personal. Especially when he can be so mean and flippant in his attitude and words.
I know I am no longer dealing with Rob. I am dealing with a spirit that has consumed him. And I, like a fool, have been fighting against flesh and blood with carnal weaponry - arguments, reason, anger, violence, tears and sorrow. I have to learn to turn him over to the Almighty...easier said than done when he won't stop coming around. I think he enjoys the torment on some sinister level. I am open to whatever I need to do to help myself to heal - including a move. I'm tired of playing his set up game - where he causes something then accuses me in my reaction or uses my reaction to justify his evil somehow (as if there is any justification to be found in what he is doing).
I am getting a hard lesson on what the Word means when it says to "pray for your enemies and those who SPITEFULLY use you"...I just never expected it to be talking about my husband and friend.
It makes it very difficult to hold on to the understanding that it's not personal - because it FEELS personal. Especially when he can be so mean and flippant in his attitude and words.
I know I am no longer dealing with Rob. I am dealing with a spirit that has consumed him. And I, like a fool, have been fighting against flesh and blood with carnal weaponry - arguments, reason, anger, violence, tears and sorrow. I have to learn to turn him over to the Almighty...easier said than done when he won't stop coming around. I think he enjoys the torment on some sinister level. I am open to whatever I need to do to help myself to heal - including a move. I'm tired of playing his set up game - where he causes something then accuses me in my reaction or uses my reaction to justify his evil somehow (as if there is any justification to be found in what he is doing).
I am getting a hard lesson on what the Word means when it says to "pray for your enemies and those who SPITEFULLY use you"...I just never expected it to be talking about my husband and friend.
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